Am I crazy?

[Solechanger]

I have no idea if my wife has BPD or not, but I have found so many stories on here that are pages ripped from my life I thought I would post a story on my own as I've been encouraged by the community to post, and venting here is more healthy than to friends etc.

My uBPDw of 10 years wants to go to a fancy fundraiser Gala and get "dressed up"  She has a closet full of "not the right thing to wear" so she buys a new dress for it.  Money is a bit tight she only spends $40, which is no big deal.  She wants me to look good too, so we pull out a suit for me to wear days ahead of time and I get it all ironed and ready to go.  She want's her hair done all nice and she asked me if I will help blow it out and fix it for her (also an effort to save money which is great). She tells me she has some Youtube videos to watch on how she wants to style her hair which I'm happy to watch, but she won't send me the links after asking several times.

I get home extra early... . before the agreed upon time for me to be home early enough to help her, just in case I can watch the videos, and just so we aren't rushed, I want the evening to be nice.

I walk into the bathroom and I can tell she's already getting on edge... . oh boy, a storm is brewing I think to myself.  She won't let me help her with her hair now "just get out of here" she says.  I go get myself ready so that if things change I won't have to fix myself.  When she sees me, the outfit that was fine the other day now I look like an idiot in.  Her dress that she bought herself just for the occasion looks stupid and doesn't work and she want's me to "fix it". 

She starts getting mad at me that I didn't know to take her out shopping and treat her like a princess and buy her a really expensive dress that would look right... . she's not going anymore, but I know that is about to change.  She's upset with me that I didn't know how important this was for her and I should have sent her out and treated her to get her hair and makeup done professionally.

She starts into me asking me how the hell are we going to get home, haven't I thought of a cab?  Why haven't I ordered a cab?   Ok, so I order a cab... . which is now a stupid mistake because she isn't even going to have anything to drink anyway.  I cancel the cab. 

Now we are late, we get in the car, she's full on raging and everything is a problem, the way I am driving is a problem etc.  She tells me to turn around, she's not going (I could care less about this thing BTW and would rather not go at all... . this is all for her as far as I'm concerned).  So we pull off on the side of the road and I hear all about how this and that isn't good enough.  She decides she wants to go again, so we turn around again and headed to the event. 

We get there and she goes from being completely miserable, my life sucks, you suck, nothing is good enough to 100% charming as soon as she sees our friends, it's like she flipped some kind of switch.  Of course she ends up drinking after she said she wouldn't (not a problem amount).

There is a silent auction and since I've been accused of being a cheap___ I start trying to show her I'm not and bid on ridiculous things with money we don't have.  Thank goodness I got outbid on the big things.  The thing I did buy her "isn't the right thing" 

This kind of scenario makes me think I'm going crazy.  Nothing I can do is right, the criticism the blame and the yelling and cussing and anger from unmet and un-communicated expectations in the face of me really trying to please her leaves me so frustrated!   I end up feeling walked all over and I feel justified in just being pissed off, but I want to move towards peace not getting mad at her about getting mad at me, so I just leave it, take another beating in silence and give another piece of myself away and hope this won't happen again.  I am sad because I know it will.  I love her but she is hard like sometimes!

-Solechanger

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[LostGhost]

It's a difficult relationship to endure. Give yourself credit for having the patience and stamina to tolerate this kind of ongoing abuse. It's a story all too familiar to me. I can't count how many times I treated my exBPDgf to an over the top date only to be met with coldness. $300 in one night, feeding her endless compliments about how beautiful she looks, how amazing it feels to be with her. I'd try to hold her hand and she'd just stare out the window in silence. But random waiter or person passing by on the street says hello and she opens up like a wilted flower just being given a drink of water. She'd be excessively friendly, charismatic or even flirtatious to everyone but me and I'd end up thinking it must be me, something I've done, I'm a terrible, pathetic excuse of a man. They have an uncanny way of destroying your self esteem bit by bit. I don't have many answers as I'm just as confused. Just know that it's not you. Whoever they were with would end up receiving the same treatment.

[maxsterling]

Solechanger - change a few words, and I could have written that exact same story.  Sadly, this is the nature of BPD.  Their internal emotions overrun them, and they look for something or someone external to blame.  That means you.  The truth is (as I am sure you are aware) nothing you could do or say differently would have changed anything.  She was uncomfortable, and somehow it had to be someone else's fault for some reason.  In my case, it was because I didn't have black shoes, because as she claims, "all adult men should own black shoes."

I think ultimately what has to happen is for us to let them take care of their own issues, and stop this nonsense before we start backpedaling and trying to fix everything.   I'm not sure how it would have worked in your story.  I think it is a matter of reminding her what she originally told you, tell her what you can do for her now, then tell her it is up to her to decide, and then tell her that you are going to go get ready yourself and for her to come to you once she makes up her mind.  

[ColdEthyl]

This is EXACTLY true. My dBPDh is at least self aware, so when he goes off on some rant about something like this, after he calms himself he tells me I'm his punching bag and he's sorry, and usually this invokes the speech about how I should divorce him, he's useless and doesn't deserve me. Today, I took a huge step. I found his old counselor, the only person he eve felt comfortable with talking to. I am hoping she can help him again.

Solechanger - change a few words, and I could have written that exact same story.  Sadly, this is the nature of BPD.  Their internal emotions overrun them, and they look for something or someone external to blame.  That means you.  The truth is (as I am sure you are aware) nothing you could do or say differently would have changed anything.  She was uncomfortable, and somehow it had to be someone else's fault for some reason.  In my case, it was because I didn't have black shoes, because as she claims, "all adult men should own black shoes."

I think ultimately what has to happen is for us to let them take care of their own issues, and stop this nonsense before we start backpedaling and trying to fix everything.   I'm not sure how it would have worked in your story.  I think it is a matter of reminding her what she originally told you, tell her what you can do for her now, then tell her it is up to her to decide, and then tell her that you are going to go get ready yourself and for her to come to you once she makes up her mind.  

[buterfly]

I love this story because it helps remind me that I am not crazy. My husband is not diagnosed, but, like you I connect so much with what I read on here.

Ironically, I recently won tickets to a gala and hotel stay on the radio, my husband complains all the time that we don't do anything fun together (our cash is tight, too), so this was going to be a great night out. Unfortunately the first two hours were met with the silent treatment, until I realized how miserable we must have looked, and I joked that we should make a scene in front of everyone. The mood lightened until we got back to the hotel room at 2 .m. As I lay in bed sleeping he dumped a bottle of water on my head. When I asked why he said because I wasn't paying attention to him, but later said because I threw my boot at him, which I did not remember doing, and thus questioned my own sanity.

In terms of money, although we play our cards pretty evenly, it is what follows the purchase. I am sure I have never complained about anything he has or hasn't bought me, nor have I complained about having to buy him/us anything whether I did or didn't have the money. Maybe I should have, because he has complained many, many times to me and his family. I still get a hard time over him having to buy my wedding ring. Now his family accuses me of financial abuse because I can't buy him everything he wants, and I refuse to combine finances, because it'd be just one more form of abuse I'd have to endure.

Anyway, I hope it helps make you feel less crazy to know there are others who share our anything but normal relationship stories.it does me.

[ColdEthyl]

man... . that attention thing really irks me sometimes. His demand for my attention is always on HIS terms. I mean... . if he's busy reading his news stories and I want to talk to him... . well that's just being rude. But if I'm doing something when HE feels like he wants my attention well well well! That's different!

I've also been the victim of water being poured on my head. Once. I warned him, anymore crap like that and I will bounce. He hasn't done it since, and it's been years. What he does now is pace around like a caged tiger... . and that's ok. He can do that. But he's not flicking crap at me or pouring water on me anymore.

I love this story because it helps remind me that I am not crazy. My husband is not diagnosed, but, like you I connect so much with what I read on here.

Ironically, I recently won tickets to a gala and hotel stay on the radio, my husband complains all the time that we don't do anything fun together (our cash is tight, too), so this was going to be a great night out. Unfortunately the first two hours were met with the silent treatment, until I realized how miserable we must have looked, and I joked that we should make a scene in front of everyone. The mood lightened until we got back to the hotel room at 2 .m. As I lay in bed sleeping he dumped a bottle of water on my head. When I asked why he said because I wasn't paying attention to him, but later said because I threw my boot at him, which I did not remember doing, and thus questioned my own sanity.

In terms of money, although we play our cards pretty evenly, it is what follows the purchase. I am sure I have never complained about anything he has or hasn't bought me, nor have I complained about having to buy him/us anything whether I did or didn't have the money. Maybe I should have, because he has complained many, many times to me and his family. I still get a hard time over him having to buy my wedding ring. Now his family accuses me of financial abuse because I can't buy him everything he wants, and I refuse to combine finances, because it'd be just one more form of abuse I'd have to endure.

Anyway, I hope it helps make you feel less crazy to know there are others who share our anything but normal relationship stories.it does me.

[wilsonian]

nope your not crazy solechanger... I have had a few rides to church that way myself... minus the drinking of course... .