What did your BPD not control?

[HappyChappy]

Reading around this forum, we were all tightly controlled  by our BPD. However, something’s they let ride. In my life, I've drawn great strength from music and Comedy. And guess what - they were about the only two areas my BPD mom and N bro, couldn't sabotage as they had no interest.

I was always able to get a laugh, and even had a stand-up act before I got a proper job. My BPD would say I was showing off with my act, and that it wasn't funny. But that was irrelevant, because I'd had enough success to know she was wrong.

So at home I would  make sarcastic remarks that went over the heads of my two Narcissist, and make my sister or Dad laugh. So basically my BPD simply couldn't close me down. A rare victory. Woody Alan, had savage jokes about his parents on stage, because he knew they would never come and whatch. I remember my BPD saying once, "why do you make jokes about yourself ? It doesn't make sense to criticise yourself."

With music  - both my parents had no interest. So I was allowed to sit in my room and play records. I was always expecting my BPD to take that away - but she never did. To this day, both comedy and music have kept me alive. Ironically, when I realised about Narcissism, I also realised that my top 10 list, has a heck of a lot of ACOrns in there: Amy Whinehouse & Oasis. Also songs about Narcissists: The Eagles, ELO, Pink Floyed, Radiohead. Spooky.

So what did your BPD overlook ? What toy didn’t they take away? 

[twogrey]

Oh gosh.  I've got one.  uNPDf and uBPDm split up when I was 12.  I was crazy, crazy to have a horse since I was about 6.  Asked for a horse for every birthday/Christmas. It was all I could think/talk about.  uNPDf is a doctor with high anxiety, and refused to even consider it ... too much potential to get injured.  For him, money was never the issue ... he just flat out refused to consider it.

After he moved out, mom let me take riding lessons, but controlled the situation by revoking them as punishment (fair, I guess), or regularly getting me to lessons late so I missed at least half.  I was instructed to NOT tell dad about the lessons, for obvious reasons.  I have to say that as difficult as mom can be, she really wanted me to have something important in my life. 

When I was 15, I started riding a new horse in the barn, and then found out that she was for sale, at a reasonably low price. I mentioned this to mom and somehow caught her on a good day, and we started having discussions about buying this horse.  It all sounds like she's a thoughtful, reasonable person ... but I remember having a conversation with her where I said, "I'm only interested in having a horse if you promise not to take it away from me if you get mad at me".  Seems like a heavy conversation for a 15 year old horse crazy teenager.  Maybe this was my first attempt at setting boundaries.  But I REALLY wanted that horse.  We agreed that the only reason we would consider selling the horse would be based on financial reasons.  When dad found out about it, that was almost WW3, or he would flip the story and say that mom wanted to get me the horse so SHE could be the GOOD parent when in reality "he" was "planning to buy me one".  Right.  Whatever.

Mom stuck to her word and that horse changed my life.  It gave me an opportunity to get away from home, hang out at the stable, make friends (my age and adult), stay out of teenage trouble, and cultivate an interest that has stayed with me my entire life.  When I went to college, I took the horse with me.  (dad was furious).  When I moved across the country for a job, I took the horse with me. Now, at 52, I've got a small farm, and can keep my horses where I live.  Mom has often said that she never thought that I would have maintained that interest as long as I did.  Even dad has finally accepted that this is my lifestyle and he tells his friends how nice it is to sit on our porch and watch the horses grazing in the pasture.

[HappyChappy]

twogrey Horses - how calming. What a lovely story. I saw a piece on TV about how war veterans with PTSD had been introduced to horses as part of their therapy. My sis wanted a horse - not a chance.

I also feel the need to qualify my stand-up act. This was amateur dramatics and open mikes, I only ever got paid twice. Funny how my BPD continual accusation of me showing off, makes me worry over miss presenting an achievement.

So who else managed to sneek something past their BPD, or get a consession ?

[lucyhoneychurch]

She did not control my getting married, HappyChappy. She did not control if or when I had children. She did not control what religious sect or denomination I did or didn't belong to. She did not control my having no contact with her. She did not control who was my friend or not in college or when I was married.

BUT... . she fought each and every one of those rights or privileges, what have you, whatever the word would be, tooth and nail.

She also did not control the fact that I knew her end was near and still chose to leave things as they were. That was my biggest victory over the FOG my entire life - not succumbing to the idea "but she's dying!"

This was a very thought provoking question.     I look at my responses and see that I can do alot of things I want to or need to if I choose to. Thank you! 

[Turkish]

My imagination. I was a day-dreamer from a young age, and I got this criticism from teachers early on.

After we moved literally overnight to the mountains with no electricity, I became a compulsive reader, and still am to this day.

All in all, I was always stubbornly independent. She tried to control me in several areas (like school), and making passive-derogatory comments about things I liked, but I resisted them. Then I moved out the day I turned 18. I graduated high school at 17, and wanted to move out. She convinced me that since I wasn't a legal adult yet, I had to stay with her over the summer and into the fall until my birthday (her fear of loss, and this coincided with her mental breakdown that year). That was the last thing she controlled, after which I have been free. Distance and LC for a few years helped me mature and heal. Our r/s is ok now, but when she starts talking about her chickens or the apocalypse, I wind the conversation down 

I must not have healed completely, because I ended up with my uBPDx, but that story's already been told elsewhere.

[HappyChappy]

BUT... . she fought each and every one of those rights or privileges,

Lucyhoneychurch, you're absolutely right - a continual fight for our rights.

talking about her chickens or the apocalypse, I wind the conversation down  

I think I've missed something here Turkish, are her chickens scary ? Totally with you on the derogatory comments - a constant flow. But even though I thought I resisted the constant flow, the drip drip effect of propaganda, did eventually wear a hole - without me realising. I didn't realise I low self esteem until my therapist pointed it out recently. I guess that's why we need LC or NC, to halt the drip drip effect.

This is fun - who else has resisted the control of their BPD. Are scapegoats more likely to do this than the golden child ?

[twogrey]

This is fun - who else has resisted the control of their BPD. Are scapegoats more likely to do this than the golden child ?

I'm an only child ... which just adds to the black/white confusion.

[Turkish]

This is fun - who else has resisted the control of their BPD. Are scapegoats more likely to do this than the golden child ?

I'm an only child ... which just adds to the black/white confusion.

Me, too. So I was both good and bad, depending upon the mood and circumstance. It probably goes why to this day I have trouble taking both compliments and criticism, sheltering myself from the latter by trying to do everything right the first time.

[January86]

Nice topic! 

My BPD hermit mother was obsessed with me learning different languages, so I learned English and had the chance to travel (with school and language academies) very young. She couldn't control all the positive influences of meeting people from other cultures and enjoy family moments with the foreign families that host me. My wish to see the world helped me through all the bad moments. Even now, when I pass the security control in the airport I feel "this is home, the rest of the world is my home". My own territory where I am not judged by her, as if she could see everything i do when I am in the same country, crazy 

[January86]

I am also an only child and I realised I was both scapedgoat and goldenchild when I read "Undersanding the BPD Mother". First I didnt read the golden child chapter as I wasn't aware that when my mother was so nice to me could have those effects.

When I read that chapter I was shocked to see that most of my problems now are related with her "golden child" behaviour. 

Big hug

[ThrowAwayChild]

What did my BPD not control?  I thought about this and I couldn't come up with anything.  She controlled everything.  But, then I came up with something she could not control.  Her mouth.  That is really the only thing I can think of.

[lucyhoneychurch]

It's not even 5 in the morning and I'm surprised I didn't wake my far away neighbors when Throwaway said, Her mouth. She couldn't control her mouth.

I yelped out loud. Yes indeed. That's a turn on this question that is the most valid of all. Because all of our other thoughts fall under this one - how dare you constantly deride my feelings or needs or dreams? why, if a thought crosses your mind, MUST it exit your mouth? why do you get to be hurtful and ugly and harm me because you are damaged? how can that possibly make you feel better? why can't you stop? bottom line - WHY CAN'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?

I just lost a cousin, one I haven't seen in decades, that she was so so nasty about long distance. He grew up with a father just like her (my father's older brother, cruel cruel man) and six sisters. He was killed on a Harley by a drunk pickup driver with his new wife of only 8 months sitting behind him. I think he had finally found a good place in his life. His beautiful mom, one of two aunts I thought the world of, passed in Dec '11.  The hateful things my mother used to say about him... . just for being lost. Alot of that bubbled up when I heard he'd been killed. And so sadly at the best time maybe ever, at age 59, in his life. Sunday, Father's Day... . my uncle 91 - same thing, whatever uncle H thinks of you, he's going to tell you even if it shrivels you up and makes you cringe and cry. That was me, his little niece, years ago, dreading to get around him, but loving my aunt so much.

It's an upside down world.

You validated so much of my life and living with her in that one comment, "Her mouth."

[Juliecelle]

My self-worth. Unbelievable, but true.

[HappyChappy]

My self-worth. Unbelievable, but true.

How did you manage that? I'm genuinely interested.

What did my BPD not control?  Her mouth.

Priceless. I think that deseves the "quote of the month" award. My BPDm is a motormouth supreamo. The minute it hits her brain, it tumbles out of her gob. Like a 6 year old. And what a nag - never hear of anyone who nagged the way she did.

We ACORNs appear to have sneeked so many goals past the BPD defence, they're looking like the Spanish football team.

[Botswana Agate]

I believe she could control--but chose not to--her anger or violence.  Her standard-issue threats and punishment for awhile growing up were "sessions in the bathroom", as she called them.  Beatings.

However, she could NOT control my outgoingness nor my gift of speaking.  I got my first radio job at the age of 15, and have been on-the-air in some capacity ever since.