Stuck ruminating.

[Eric1]

I just cant stop thinking about her, what she's up to, how things are going with my replacement and i just feel like i'm going nowhere.

This is the longest we've gone with NC, and not hearing from her is completely different. She usually breaks and calls etc

She's supposed to be going to the same music festival as me next week, i don't know if she still is or not.

I'm trying to keep busy, talking to friends, working out, but it just doesn't help.

[charred]

I just cant stop thinking about her, what she's up to, how things are going with my replacement and i just feel like i'm going nowhere.

This is the longest we've gone with NC, and not hearing from her is completely different. She usually breaks and calls etc

She's supposed to be going to the same music festival as me next week, i don't know if she still is or not.

I'm trying to keep busy, talking to friends, working out, but it just doesn't help.

Try mindfulness... it helps. "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle is a good intro to it.

Most the pain and suffering in ruminating is torturing yourself about past or worrying about future. The solution is to live in the present... and stay there... it is non-stressful and a good place to be to start your path to getting past the r/s.

[LettingGo14]

Try mindfulness... it helps. "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle is a good intro to it.

Most the pain and suffering in ruminating is torturing yourself about past or worrying about future. The solution is to live in the present... and stay there... it is non-stressful and a good place to be to start your path to getting past the r/s.

I completely agree with charred regarding "mindfulness" -- it was my key to the doorway that changed everything.  I started sitting in Buddhist meditation.   And that changed me.

I was an inveterate "ruminator" -- In fact, I did a bunch of research on repetitive thoughts and found that the research on the subject notes that our brains have a glitch when something is unresolved -- "rumination" typically ends with either attainment or abandonment of a goal.

That said, rather than contemplating "why" something is unresolved, the research also suggested to focus on "how" it is unresolved.

For me, radical acceptance was key: (1) I could not change things, (2) I could not save the relationship, (3) I can take care of myself, (4) there are things I can't control.

[trappedinlove]

I agree with the above. Just to add my 2 cents, for me I realized that my addiction to rumination was also serving me as an escape route for net dealing with important issues in my life that stressed me, such as my kids (after losing my wife to cancer 18 months ago) and my job.

Maintaining NC and getting off of Facebook (for the past 2 weeks)  really helped me with the ruminations and endless spinning over her in my consciousness and I feel much more focused and productive on the things that really matter and required my full attention.  I also making progress with a new r/s that steadily materializes.

TIL

[seeking balance]

Good input thus far.

Regarding mindfulness Eric - remember it is a practice not an event.  The brain is like a muscle that needs training - you simply do not go out and run a marathon or do 100 push ups.  You train - you accept the now (muscles hurt -  ruminations continue a bit) but with TIME & DISCIPLINE you change, your mind changes.

All of us have ruminations at some point - even after the BPD nonsense, it doesn't go away as much as we learn tools to cope better in our overall life.  We learn to push away thoughts that don't serve us and feel the emotions in the now.

Peace,

SB

[Banshee]

Regarding mindfulness Eric - remember it is a practice not an event.  The brain is like a muscle that needs training - you simply do not go out and run a marathon or do 100 push ups.  You train - you accept the now (muscles hurt -  ruminations continue a bit) but with TIME & DISCIPLINE you change, your mind changes.

I can't seem to get nowhere! My mind is stuck, the part that scares me so is the fact we dated from end of June till middle of November , I have been trying to get back together, fix things and finally stopped trying but yet still in deep thought for longer than we actually seen each other! So sick of it! I'm definitely looking up this  radical acceptance. I'll be 45 in August and I swear i feel I'm going about this and feeling like I would be in 7th freaking grade!

One day when I pick of the nerve I'll make a post on what I did to get closure so that i could move on. At this point I'm ashamed to know that I could think of something that messed up to do , but the worse part is even now after doing it I'm  still not sure if  it's working for me! I'm starting to think he was right , that I need more help than him.  

[Split black]

Regarding mindfulness Eric - remember it is a practice not an event.  The brain is like a muscle that needs training - you simply do not go out and run a marathon or do 100 push ups.  You train - you accept the now (muscles hurt -  ruminations continue a bit) but with TIME & DISCIPLINE you change, your mind changes.

I can't seem to get nowhere! My mind is stuck, the part that scares me so is the fact we dated from end of June till middle of November , I have been trying to get back together, fix things and finally stopped trying but yet still in deep thought for longer than we actually seen each other! So sick of it! I'm definitely looking up this  radical acceptance. I'll be 45 in August and I swear i feel I'm going about this and feeling like I would be in 7th freaking grade!

One day when I pick of the nerve I'll make a post on what I did to get closure so that i could move on. At this point I'm ashamed to know that I could think of something that messed up to do , but the worse part is even now after doing it I'm  still not sure if  it's working for me! I'm starting to think he was right , that I need more help than him.  

Do NOT beat yourself up. You know the crimes against you, whatever you did was within the realms of incredible hurt. Thats normal. Perhaps dramatic. But normal. I have learned that this is a long process and it also seems that the older we get, the less options we feel we have. The young are blessed with youth and time. This is also false thinking. We have options, lots of them... . and you will meet someone that will appreciate you and not drive you insane.

[Banshee]

Thank you so much split black , i've posted a bit today and have said in another post that I must be having a bad day... Strange how one day you feel awesome and then they next day or next week your down ... I   it here and appreciate each and every one here