i dont know why my upbd fiance punished me

[stuckgirl]

we dont live together,so he was coming over with his family to meet me,he seemed happy about it.he he has classic BPD,mirroring,abusing,shouting,mood swings,raging,blaming me,unable to see anything wrong in his behaviour,un supportive as long as he's not feeling completely secure in our relationship,depression,idealizing,all the recipe.

it just that he was happy about visiting and i was happy he was coming over,we were talking on the phone and he was all mushy and 'idealizing' and my little brother (who i partly raised and love to death) came excitedly into the room and told me to drop what i was doing and come with him right then,i said what is it,just he was skipping with happiness.i laughed and told my fiance (he claims to adore my little brother too) that i would call him back (i did know he would get jealous but keep it in) it just that my little brother was so happy and i could hardly tell my fiance  in front of him that 'im sorry but my brother is wants me,i love you and i'll call you back' my brother already senses im very sensitive about making fiance feel needed and not rejected and bro already tries to steer clear of me when my fiance's around... . turns out my lil bro had composed an amazind new song and he wanted to know how it was.i came back and called fiance back,he talked normally for a while,i asked him how to fix my computer ,it often malfunctions and he always gives fixable advice,but without provocation,quite suddenly he said maybe you should shut your computer and go to sleep... i couldnt understand,i asked him what did he mean by that,he didnt answer,then he stopped giving one worded replies to common conversation and quieted down,and i was baffled (a headache had started by then) and i quieted down as well,he started humming a tune (i have to admit i hate this particular tune) but he has an issue with me putting the phone down first,so like an idiot i just kept the phone to my ear,after all this silence,he finally said 'i think you're getting bored' i said 'no im not getting bored,he said do whatever it is you were doing. i have a kidney problem (not fatal but problematic) but he's the one who picks up my prescription nowadays,ive busted my ankle.since he was coming within about two hours,i asked him if he was going out,he said im not going right out now.i said okay... he again said do what you wanna do,i basically said alright and we hung up.

he came to my house and,in front my whole family,was simply not talking to me or looking my way,he was acting in a way children act with a long face to go with it too,i talked to him and he didnt bother replying much,faced my family and started talking to them instead... yep... they noticed alright... . i just felt unwelcome so i left the room,i came back an hour later, he turned to me,just asked me why i was quiet,was everything alright,i couldnt believe at his bloody nerve.i said nothing,not much.but the thing that hurt,literally hurt the most was that he knew i need the kidney pills,and he didnt bring them out of sheer revenge/have no idea out of what,and i have no idea what i did except for talking to my brother... .

any advice what to do,any at all? what can i say,do,or just give him his medicine,his silent treatment... i have no idea... .

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[stuckgirl]

A lot of typos in my topic post i think,sorry about that.

Its just that i dont understand how anyone can be like this,inspite of his uBPD,to take advantage of a situation in which the other person is dependent on them.

The writings here say pwBPD have a conscience,how could a person forgive themselves after doing something like this... . i dont understand what his gain was,except to put me in pain because he didnt pick prescription

Im at my wits end,have been taking the 'high road every waking moment,every day... every hour for the past year and im exausted,maybe im being mean,but for once i want him to know how it feels to be helpless,confused,not having your significant's shoulder when you need.

Im not putting myself up,but ive never ever left his side when he needed me,

he needs me every three days and fights every fourth day.

I do not feel like mending this particular fight,i need something from him so i can sleep,for the first and only time in my life,i need him to say he's sorry.

[an0ught]

Hi stuckgirl,

wow, what a hurtful behavior  . It is impossible to know exactly what motivates someone to do something or not to do something. PwBPD are at times extremely self centered. From what you wrote is sounds like he is not acting responsible in matters that are very important and potentially vital.

The writings here say pwBPD have a conscience,how could a person forgive themselves after doing something like this... . i dont understand what his gain was,except to put me in pain because he didnt pick prescription

It sounds a bit scary to depend on him fulfilling this duty at this time based on your experience. Can you somehow manage to decrease your dependence on him by doing it yourself, having others to do it or talking to the doctor to be able to maintain a small reserve stock of medication?

[stuckgirl]

Thank you for replying :-) it means a lot not to be alone. He sort of made sure i cut of contact with my friends,so im currently dependent on him for all emotional support :-)

I called my elder brother to pick it up for me,i cant really walk well just now,im fine health wise and thank you so much for caring. when he did this i was so hurt,there was tension between us and the people in my family guessed it,though they wouldnt think he had done something,he's amazing,chatty and functional in front of everyone.every person who meets him is impressed... . lets me know how lucky i am,and i want to scream,he's a raging,accusing bully and right now,a monster.

By the end of the evening he had 'acquired' a good mood,while previously ignoring me he now wanted to be on talking terms with me again,so he tried but,selfishly,i couldnt take it and left the room.when i came back,he was making these big hurt/innocent eyes at me and i honestly just wanted to say,dammit drop the act.

I wowed i wouldnt call him,i honestly dont know what i wanted to achieve from that,its been two days and i havent,but neither has he for some unknown reason and ive pathetically been crying every ten minutes,silly to assume he could/would think of anyone but himself.

[formflier]

 

Stuck,

Hang in there... . you are going to have to increase circle of people that help you.

And I know it hurts... . bad... .

I have issues with small spaces.  I had scheduled MRI.  uBPDw was going to take me... . plan in place for several weeks.  She is normally very supportive... . compassionate... . she knows I have issues here... BIG issues.

A day prior she sends a hateful text bomb that since I am stealing her assets and have put my friends in charge of "her" finances... . that they should be in charge of "my" medical care and could take me to the MRI.  Note: The people she is talking about live several hours away...

Not truth to her "charges"... . complete fantasy.

Well... I get my daughter set up to take me. D17.  I had taken medication to get ready.  Medication was clear about no driving.

D17 doesn't show.  I'm already a mess over MRI... . toss in uBPDw issues... . in all honestly normal teenage unreliability... etc etc... and I'm medicated... and triggered... .

So... what do I do... . yep... . in the truck I go... . because I don't want to be late.  In general this is a thing for me... . being on time.  On time is late... .  

I'm assuming this is from years of making sure "time on target" was accurate... . it usually matters... . in a life and death way... .

Well... luckily I didn't get too far and I passed D17.

Was able to get her to take me.

I get to MRI place... . and I'm a mess.  Took more medicine... . in and out of machine I go.

And I finally give up... .

Note:  If uBPDw had bee "on her game" and nice to me... . I had a fighting chance at getting it done.  No chance with all the other drama.

I was the one that set up my life to be so dependent on a pwBPD... . NOT SMART

Not saying I've fixed it all... . but at least I can identify what I did wrong.

[stuckgirl]

Stuck,

Hang in there... . you are going to have to increase circle of people that help you.

And I know it hurts... . bad... .

I have issues with small spaces.  I had scheduled MRI.  uBPDw was going to take me... . plan in place for several weeks.  She is normally very supportive... . compassionate... . she knows I have issues here... BIG issues.

A day prior she sends a hateful text bomb that since I am stealing her assets and have put my friends in charge of "her" finances... . that they should be in charge of "my" medical care and could take me to the MRI.  Note: The people she is talking about live several hours away...

Not truth to her "charges"... . complete fantasy.

Well... I get my daughter set up to take me. D17.  I had taken medication to get ready.  Medication was clear about no driving.

D17 doesn't show.  I'm already a mess over MRI... . toss in uBPDw issues... . in all honestly normal teenage unreliability... etc etc... and I'm medicated... and triggered... .

So... what do I do... . yep... . in the truck I go... . because I don't want to be late.  In general this is a thing for me... . being on time.  On time is late... .  

I'm assuming this is from years of making sure "time on target" was accurate... . it usually matters... . in a life and death way... .

Well... luckily I didn't get too far and I passed D17.

Was able to get her to take me.

I get to MRI place... . and I'm a mess.  Took more medicine... . in and out of machine I go.

And I finally give up... .

Note:  If uBPDw had bee "on her game" and nice to me... . I had a fighting chance at getting it done.  No chance with all the other drama.

I was the one that set up my life to be so dependent on a pwBPD... . NOT SMART

Not saying I've fixed it all... . but at least I can identify what I did wrong.

im sorry you had to go through such a hard thing alone.it must have cut at the very base that it seemed to appear as if your wife did not care about something so very important to you.

did you get the MRI after that? as planned,did you go with your wife later?

it must have been awful to be accused of something so far from reality,frustrating and confusing i imagine.

when my upbd fiance accuses me of something like this (accused me of recording all phone conversations and having my family listen to them... . i could only gape,then when asked 'who else is listening' i thought maybe he's having a psychotic episode,he was fine in a day though,said he didnt know why he said that. its quite frustrating,the people we love we always expect to give a damn about out well being,because its the core of our existence,and when someone doesnt care about that it hurts too much for words i suppose.

for example fiance not bringing me pills-interpreted as does not care about my health,does not care if im alive or not-ouch man it hurts. when he did that that was what was going on in my head.

did you feel something like that? 

right now ive basically agreed with myself to turn the phone off,i know if i turn it on and there are no messages (he's busy with 'gyming' and 'toughening up' so there wont be) i'll be hurt,and if i call him he will probably  say something meaner and it will be worse.

its his birthday in a couple of days and its my choice whether to continue not contacting him,or deal with the eruption that comes if i dont contact him/wish him.i think it would be mean not to wish him,but i wish a birthday plus a birthday get together wasnt complicating stuff right now.

[formflier]

did you get the MRI after that? as planned,did you go with your wife later?

Nope... . never did get it done.  Used some other diagnostic tools and at the moment feel comfortable with no MRI.  Basically... . I think I have a diagnosis... . the MRI was going to "rule out" some other issues... . and since I think we found "the" issue... . and symptoms are gone no need for MRI

it must have been awful to be accused of something so far from reality,frustrating and confusing i imagine.

when my upbd fiance accuses me of something like this (accused me of recording all phone conversations and having my family listen to them... . i could only gape,then when asked 'who else is listening' i thought maybe he's having a psychotic episode,he was fine in a day though,said he didnt know why he said that. its quite frustrating,the people we love we always expect to give a damn about out well being,because its the core of our existence,and when someone doesnt care about that it hurts too much for words i suppose.

for example fiance not bringing me pills-interpreted as does not care about my health,does not care if im alive or not-ouch man it hurts. when he did that that was what was going on in my head.

did you feel something like that? 

Yep... I sure did.

right now ive basically agreed with myself to turn the phone off,i know if i turn it on and there are no messages (he's busy with 'gyming' and 'toughening up' so there wont be) i'll be hurt,and if i call him he will probably  say something meaner and it will be worse.

its his birthday in a couple of days and its my choice whether to continue not contacting him,or deal with the eruption that comes if i dont contact him/wish him.i think it would be mean not to wish him,but i wish a birthday plus a birthday get together wasnt complicating stuff right now.

Here is my advice... . and I may run contrary to how to deal with BPD while going NC.  And... if you truly don't wan to ever contact him again... . (see my other post about thinking things through)... . then don't do anything for b day.

However... . this person obviously is or was important to you.  And I think you should focus on a nice gesture.  Card or something like that.

I wouldn't get all emotional in the writing.  Just say happy birthday and that you wish him well.

Thoughts on that?  How long do you have until his birth day?

[stuckgirl]

Here is my advice... . and I may run contrary to how to deal with BPD while going NC.  And... if you truly don't wan to ever contact him again... . (see my other post about thinking things through)... . then don't do anything for b day.

However... . this person obviously is or was important to you.  And I think you should focus on a nice gesture.  Card or something like that.

I wouldn't get all emotional in the writing.  Just say happy birthday and that you wish him well.

Thoughts on that?  How long do you have until his birth day?

i would say he was very important to me,still is but im very confused how to figure it out.

i am engaged to him,although im having serious concerns about the future,i did want to continue NC,but ive been missing him ),my father talked to me the other day and expressed his concern that i didnt seem very happy,then he 'non-subtly' went on to ask about fiances birthday plans, (i made a rather pathetic excuse for it). i dont believe i have a very high self esteem nowadays atleast,i dont want to worry anyone im close to at all (as silly as it sounds really... ) i couldnt tell him things werent okay,told him that fiance's a bit busy only and said it quite convincingly so much that i saw his face relax into lines of relief and thought that im never going to cause him pain  

i called my fiance up (knowing full well i was doing it out of pressure to keep my family members tension free (my co dependency problems here too) and his upcoming birthday,which by the way is in four days

he seems to have turned his phone off... something very unlike him,makes me think perhaps he has 'dispensed' of me,his brother is with him for the summer and is keeping him company,seems i was someone to rely on for company...   since his behavior has changed to uncaring/or showing he doesnt care the day his brother came.

you said in one of your posts that i need to be completely sure about my decision/decisions,but i cannot figure out what i want ... .

not at all at this point anyway.