Where to start? PT ll

[lostincolo]

Continuation of my previous post.

Rewind 6 weeks.  My husband and I try to take vacation once a year.  It's our time as a couple to focus on us and our marriage and to regroup as my husband puts in many hours with his company and I am a stay home mom with three children I home school.  A lot of times it feels like we are two bodies passing in the night.  

So this year we are taking 12 days, the longest trip yet, in Kauai.  My mother inlaw has offered to stay with the children.  My mother steps in refusing that my mother in law keep the two girls.  My mother in law is super sweet but also a no nonsense type of woman.  She has been raising my 13 year nephew since he was a baby so she isn't as grandmotherly but more like a mom.  My mom doesn't think that a good thing.  She thinks the children should be coddled and spoiled 24/7.  Fine.  I have never thought her to be a bad grandparent.  Since my son and my nephew ride the same bus we thought it best if stay with MIL and my nephew.  The girls went to my moms.  

My 9 year old daughter is getting bday invites from school so I ask my mom if she wants to deal with that while I'm gone or if I should decline.  She says "Oh no just put it all on a calendar for me and we will figure it out!"  I should have known better.  Once again, two days before the trip i give her the calendar with gymnastics meets, bday parties and so forth and she freaks!  Wanting me to call my neighbors to help get them from here to there because otherwise shes going spend every evening driving them to and from all over the place!  Then like always once it sinks in she settles down.  

I'm like in panic mode here before my trip thinking I should have just left them with MIL!  So the trip is wonderful and fine but every day I call to talk to the kids she makes remarks like "Oh that's right I wasn't invited" or "You owe be big time".  

We were returning home on mothers day which also happened to be my mothers birthday this year.  I felt obligated not only to get her something from our trip but to make sure it had a substantial value attached to it so as to have her measure my gratitude for keeping the girls by the price tag of the gift.  Sad I know.  But this is how I have rationalized things until the past 48 hours that I have been learning about BPD.  She was grateful for the gifts by the way.  They went off without a hitch but I had major anxiety over whether or not she would like it the entire time.

Fast forward to Sunday. It's fathers day.  My husband and I are working on a huge home renovation.  Like restructuring the entire floor plan etc...  It's massive.  She calls and offers to keep the kids Sunday and overnight so we can have some time off.  We were thrilled!  I took the kids over mid morning.  My son went to work with my step dad (our family has a honey bee farm and sells local honey on a large retail scale).  My mom tells me she plans to play with the girls at home and have them help her package honey sticks and asks me to let them know they wont be getting time on the computers that day because she hates having them over when they are distracted.  That is time for them to spend together.  No problem.  

I've also been having some back problems for a while and she's been pushing this all natural elixir she uses for some time.  But I always thought it to be a joke and an overpriced one at that.  Well she insisted I take a months supply to help my back and everything was peachy keen.  All day no word from anyone until 6:30 pm.  My step dad calls.  Says he's very hesitant to say anything due to the potential fall out but he felt we should know.  My moms girlfriend came over for the afternoon which he was aware of but we were not.  When my step father arrived home there were two wine glasses in the dishwasher and three empty bottles sitting out on the counter.  My mom and her girlfriend had taken the girls to the country club to pick up dinner for the boys and would be back home shortly.  My step father didn't want me to approach the subject strait away but to give it a few days and tread lightly.  However my husband and were livid.  I immediately called my mother as did my step father and there was no answer either time.  We headed out to the country club and called the local PD.  

My mom and her girlfriend are found on the patio of the country club with more glasses of wine on the table and the girls are nowhere to be found.  We immediately demand to know where they are.  She is confused as to why we are there and when I start asking questions about how much alcohol had been consumed before they drove my children to the country club she immediately states "Step dad called you didn't he?".  Yes he did, for good reason.  The intoxicated friend is spouting her two cents which I

quickly put a stop to.  Another woman brings us our children from out on the golf course.  And we head out front to speak to the police who just pulled up.  My oldest daughter tells us that the strange woman was a friend of a friend that actually drove my mother and her friend and the girls to the country club.  Thank god for that.  The other woman supposedly had not been drinking.  

At this time my mom and her friend are video taping our interactions with the police with their cell phones from the windows of the club.  We just had the police to make sure the girls were not actually in a vehicle with someone intoxicated.  So we let the police go and head home with the kids.  

I called my sister and told her what had happened and to expect a call from our mom.  When my mom came home later she grabbed a few things and left in her own car.  My sister called me in the morning saying my mom called her crying about what had happened and how she hadn't done anything wrong and she's not a bad person and I'm going to keep the kids from her again.  

There was clearly a misunderstanding.  Nobody knew they had a third party with them.  Nobody knew there was a designated driver.  However the principal of the matter is my children were her care that day.  Why did she choose to have girlfriends over drinking wine all afternoon with my girls?  Can that not be done on her own time?  Had she just answered the phone when I called it could have been cleared up and i would have addressed her spending the afternoon with her friends at a later time.  

The next morning my sister called her asking if she made it home okay last night to which my mother responded " I WASN'T EVEN DRUNK!". My sister says okay I just wanted to make sure you were safe.  "IM FINE!"  Okay well I will talk to you later then.  My sister, lucky dog.  Moved 1000 miles away last year so she doesn't get stuck in the middle anymore.

We've had a lot of back and forth with my step dad the past few days.  The house has been silent until today.  They spoke briefly to which she stated she didn't feel she had any responsibility for what took place though she agrees there was a misunderstanding and assumptions were made.  She has pretty much hung me, my dh and my sd up on the cross and wanted everyone to know that "WE OWE HER BIG TIME!"

Now I sit researching this disorder.  Arming myself with the tools to be able to not only protect myself but effectively communicate with her.  I have been stuck in what you all refer to as the FOG all day today.  I am fearful of the confrontation when the ice breaks.  I'm fearful she hates me.  I feel obligated to right things with her.  I feel guilty more than anything.  Guilty for escalating by calling the police. Guilty for not trying harder to get a hold of her before going to pick up my girls.  Guilty that I have upset her and made her feel bad.  Guilty that just that morning she was so hard to help me with my back pain by giving me all that product.  Guilty that she took 12 days to watch my girls while I played in Hawaii.  I feel like a spoiled brat like I'm ungrateful.  Maybe I am.  It's hard to see things clearly sometimes.  

[lucyhoneychurch]

Me again.   

You are feeling someone else's guilt. Hers.

You are responding to years and years of emotional vampirism and emotional hijacking and what I would call bait and switch that I had to deal with years back when my kids were small - the "let me watch them, you take a trip, you spend the day in town, you relax, I loove them, come on, it's why I retired etc etc etc" only to have all hell break loose and then, wow, tables are turned, I was the one taking advantage, not grateful, you can fill in all those blanks.

Before it just sounds like rehashing - I hear you loud and clear.

Right now you are attempting to navigate the same old mine field that has been in your life, in your marriage, in your kids' lives for years - your mother's inability to act her age. Act her chronological age. Emotionally, she's  maybe 10? 12? throwing tantrums? and that might be disparaging to nice responsible 10 or 12 yr olds... . sorry    But you get what I mean.

You are not her mother. You are not able to parent your own kids and be a wife and be in a parentified, pacifying, patronizing position with her and keep your wits and sanity about you.

Take her out of the equation as much as you can with your time, your activities, your life in general. Either in planning and doing or just even dreaming of it - do you see how calm(er) it could be? Not saying bed of roses, but look at the chaos that is immediately crossed off the list with her out of your plans and structured schedules.

Kudos to your stepdad for calling you. So many might not have. To hell with the idea there was a designated driver and you simply didn't know - you went on the evidence that she was partying and she WAS while your girls were in her care. I mean they were off on the golf green or something not with her!

I'm outraged for you. Really.

Please know you are not insane. You are simply completely run and worked to death juggling her and your own family.  Investigate ways to reduce your time with her, responding to her, being shamed/blamed by her (limited contact/LC).  I bet you will catch your breath and come up with some ways you can not be 'in the middle' as you feel your sister has escaped. She apparently had good reason to do so. That doesn't leave it all on you.  Do not caretake a bitter, angry, hurtful person. It's not your job. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it.

All the best.      

[GaGrl]

Would you leave your children with any childcare professional who would drink 1-1/2 bottles of wine, then take your children somewhere without your knowledge and let them wander unsupervised while continuing to drink?

No.  You would not.

So your boundary would be "I leave my children with someone I can unconditionally trust with their care."

Your mother crossed your boundary.  I would think she now needs to regain your trust in whatever way is required.

She may not see it that way, which means the ball is in your court.

[twogrey]

I'm wondering how one can reconcile "no computers for the girls" so they're not distracted and then spend the afternoon drinking with a friend.  Maybe I missed something.(?)

[lostincolo]

First off, thank you all!  Wow I am feeling emotional reading these responses.  Someone gets it! 

Lucyhoneychurch-  I so appreciate the time you've put into responding to me, twice.  You've hit the nail on the head.  She is emotionally a child.  I've said it before and I call her emotionally crippled or stunted.  I cant recall if I posted on the other page but we had NC with her for two years after the last episode from the last vacation when she watched the children.  I still think it's odd how this frequents around my trips.  I wonder if it's jealousy or resentment.  She is often of the mindset that everyone else has more than she does.  Nicer clothes, nicer house, nicer cars, more vacations and she is simply deprived!  This coming from the woman who lives in a 5000 sf home on 1 acre and belongs to the country club.  She can't see what's right in front of her.  Or she can't appreciate it for some reason. 

Anyhow.  Those two years were quite lovely. I thought about her when birthdays passed as she was always about lavish birthdays and celebrations.  I thought about her during holidays.  But the drama free zone really worked for us!  It broke my heart when my kids told me they missed her.  Asking when we were going to make up again? And can't I just call "yaya" and tell her I'm sorry.  Oh geez it brings up a lot of painful memories for me.  I just want my babies to be happy. 

Gagrl- You make a very good point!  A perspective I had not looked at before.  I absolutely would be livid if this had taken place with a babysitter or other care taker!  You are so right!  I like the boundary you set forth for me.  I will be using that.  Thank you!

Twogrey- LOL.  If I understood it I wouldn't be here!