Hi purplicious,
My SO dBPDgf has vivid dreams of me cheating on her. When she wakes up she is very angry. What can I do. I try and reassure her that it was a dream and that I am not cheating on her, but she responds with "I only have these dreams when my SO is cheating on me." I have never and will never cheat on her. Any advice is appreciated.
please read up on validation. The challenge for us is when faced with such allegations not to fall into the JADE trap:
J - justify
A - argue
D - defend
E - explain
Generally JADE is invalidating and that simply means that whatever emotions is behind her worries it will be amplified. Right now you are making it worse. What is needed is validating communication i.e. active listening to her concerns, not belittling them or trying to explain them away. You may be affronted by her dreams but for her when she awakes her emotions are very real - almost facts. And only she herself can reign them in and that will only happen once she has truly processed these - negative - emotions. Telling her something along the lines
- fearing being betrayed is scary
- it looks like right now she is not being able to fully trust you
- asking whether she was cheated on before
- not knowing whether the relationship will last can be scary but is human.
all may be validating her fear of abandonment.
