It's not good.

[Veronykah]

So today has been pretty rough. I finally broke it off yesterday and since my therapist is out of town, had to visit one I've never seen before. She did seem to grasp what I was going through quite well and even agreed that the uexBPDbf sounded like he was BPD. However at the end of the session she suggested CODA and SLA meetings. I felt as though I was doing so well before all this happened and to suggest all of that just makes me feel like all the work I've done in therapy is for nothing.

Before I finally broke up with the ex, 2 1/2 weeks ago, my dog of 10 years died. The ex and I hadn't been together for a month at that point and I was doing really well with NC, to the point that he had come back and been texting/calling/coming to my apt and staying outside/knocking on the door etc for 2 hours and I resisted it all. I was feeling good and not really missing him. However when my dog got sick, he called, then came over and I let him in. I just wasn't in a place to deal with him and didn't care. For the next 5 days it was about my dog and when I had to put him down the ex was there, took the day off from work and everything to be there for me. This is the part I can't get out of my head. He was so wonderful and compassionate. For the 8 months BEFORE that breakup he had it together, we weren't breaking up and fighting over nothing. It was as if therapy had actually worked.

Now all this stuff is all I can think about. I want to grieve my dog. But all this with the ex is getting in the way since he, of course, had to start fighting with me 4 days later and really went ballistic about a week and a half later.

I'm alone and in the past 2 1/2 weeks have lost my dog, my job and now my best friend - the person who I thought was there for me when things went bad.

I don't know what to do. Any kind words or advice would mean the world to me right now.

[Ihope2]

 

It sounds that you are going through a really difficult time, Veronykah.  I am so sorry about your dog, the loss of a beloved pet is very stressful and painful.

And on top of this, you lost your job and you are contending with the confusion, chaos and upheavel associated with having/ending a relationship with someone with BPD.

Is there anybody "safe" in your life who can be there for you now in your immediate circle of people?  There is always bpdfamily.com - people here are so supportive and collectively, we have got your back!

Take care.

[mitti]

So sorry for what you are going through Veronykah,

I grew up around animals and it is so painful to lose them.

What the T suggested doesn't mean you didn't do very well and that you haven't made huge progress. It just means that right now things are extra tough and you may need some extra support to get through it. Everything is a process and we learn by repetition. I know what you mean about feeling as though all the work was for nothing, but it never is and even with a lot of progress, we can have a setback or need more support for a time but when are through that often we realise that we have taken a giant step forward and we didn't even notice.

[Trent]

When it rains, it pours.

I broke up with my BPDgf 2 weeks prior to finding out my brother's cancer returned and he probably only has a couple years left.  We're both in our mid-30s and he has a young family with 3 small children, so it's disconcerting to say the least.  A couple weeks after that, I moved across country to be with him for support.  So within the span of a few weeks, not only did I lose the woman I loved, but my brother got a death sentence and my entire life was upheaved.

I can understand how you're feeling right now.  You've suffered significant losses in a very short period of time, and it may almost seem like the universe is conspiring against you and/or kicking you while you're down.  What I did find is that the resources on this site, specifically on how to deal with loss, has helped me greatly in handling the stress gracefully.  In fact, as I type this, I see the sidebar which includes the 5 stages of detachment.  I found the first 2 steps were most helpful for me; I simply acknowledged & observed my feelings and let them exist.

Additionally, I've leaned on family and friends more than I ever have, so if you have people in your life that you can lean on, do it now.

Strange timing.  As I was typing this, I just got a call that my grandmother died.  It wasn't completely unexpected.  But now I'm going to start with step #1.   Sigh.  When it rains it pours indeed... .

Stay strong!     

[topknot]

Veronykah, I can so identify with your situation.  I went from getting out of a mentally abusive marriage, and right after, my 3 kids moved out with their careers and college out of state. All alone in big house for 3 years and struggling just to buy groceries. Finally move to an adorable little house, on and off with ex BPDbf all this time,  and I give him one last chance to move in. Kids come home from college,  have happy home. For one fricking month. He can't take it here, packs his clothes, and leaves. Kids have summer jobs down state. Alone again, me and 2 dogs.  I work with animals and understand the sadness in your heart. The loss of your BPD just compounds it so much. In my case,  I said, did he have to leave when my kids left, like on purpose, to make sure I was really in the pits? SO cruel -no words... . This is the best place where people really understand all your emotions. My friends who go thru a normal breakup dont have one clue what I feel. Keep posting and reading.  It all helps. Hugs

[Veronykah]

Thank you everyone. I have friends I can talk to about the situation, but I don't think they have any idea how upset I really am.

I feel like a baseball bat was taken to the back of my knees and just knocked me down.

I am generally a really strong person so even worse, everyone is giving me the tough love which I so don't need right now.

The only person that seemed to be genuinely there for me every time something sucked in my life was my uBPD ex bf, which is why this is so so terrible. All I want is for him to come here and make this all better.

I really have no one.

[mitti]

ohh sweetie, I can understand how you feel. When I was going through the breakup (or all of them) with my uBPDxbf I felt the same. I have no family where I live and they all think I am so strong anyway, We are not really allowed to feel in my family. And before him I had been single so long anyway, it felt like they all thought I was fine being by myself. My x was my best friend and when he abandoned me my whole life fell apart and he was the only one who could make it better.

Could you try and tell your friends, or perhaps just one, how bad you are really feeling? Do they know that your x probably had BPD? It helps if friends understand they crazy emotional roller coaster ride a r/s with a pwBPD is.

[topknot]

Don't say you have no one.  In my darkest hours,  when I would just cry uncontrollably,  I always found some post on this board to get me through.  Keep reading posts, articles here, and stay busy, most of all. The more you engage with normal people,  the more you realize how nutty they are. We shouldn't be on guard,  feeling like second class citizens compared to their newest interest, and never feeling good enough.  He told me once about a fling in anger, what do you think? She could ever hold a candle to you? Be strong and no contact, honey. You are so worth it... .

[Veronykah]

It just feels that way, this board is immensely helpful though. I really appreciate the responses I've gotten here for sure. But when I'm alone in my apartment ruminating on all this it just feels like no one cares. That sucks.

As far as the girl he cheated with and is likely with now? He deserves her. They are both losers and she has NOTHING on me. I never felt inferior to her. When I initially found out I told him he was trading a Ferrari for a Cavalier and that she was much more on his level so it would probably work out. I've been too good for him from the start but was blinded enough to try to put all the bad things about him BESIDES the BPD out of my mind. When I can get into my rational mind and think like this its so much easier. However when I start feeling sad, I lose that part and just want a hug... . from him. That's how he's kept me around all this time. HE knew I was too good for him. Everyone did.

[topknot]

This will make you laugh, Veronykah.  The one he replaced me with the last time was a real dumb bunny. She dumped him and said she was getting married to someone else (I think she is BPD also). I found out the dumb bunny was marrying a guy I knew for years, and he was such a "Cavalier", I thought, WOW! I was threatened by HER? Just knowing who she married told me volumes about her level of intelligence. They always choose down. The next one was 10 years OLDER than him and 15 years older than me... . I was like wow, pickings must be slim... . Hope I made you laugh tonite!

[Emelie Emelie]

So sorry V -   to you!  I really get where you're at.  My xBPDbf was my best friend.  He was the first guy I dated after a long, unhappy marriage.  He used to ask me what it was like for me; he wanted to know so he could make my life "better".  He would tell me it was his "job" to love me, protect me and take care of me.  I had been responsible for everything for so long... . well it was exactly what I needed. 

I have felt very alone as well.  I went back to him against everyone's wishes and they just don't want to hear about another break up.  They can't begin to understand it.  Hell... . I can't begin to understand it.  My only child is leaving for college seven hours away in a couple of months.  I'm afraid of her leaving... . the loneliness. 

He was my best friend.  I still want to reach out to him when I need my best friend.  Sometimes I need to remind myself that he abruptly dumped me... . again.  He wants someone else.  He's not my friend.  I understand that confusing urge to turn to someone who hurt you to stop the pain.  When after all they are the ones causing the pain. 

I'm sorry about your dog.  I have two.  I know how painful that is. 

Please know that you're not alone.  We're all here for you.  It would be nice if this was a physical place where we could all go for support when we need it.  Be together and be there for each other.  But this is a pretty good substitute. 

[topknot]

Emelie, I remember reading your posts a long time ago and remember our situations were similar in nature. You are correct.  No one in my circle wants to hear I took him back this last time and let him move in. To quote him, "You will never have to be alone again". Well, here I am alone in a house with two dogs, AGAIN. It has come to the point where I believe people who know me are starting to think,  "What is WRONG with her?" And I get embarrassed about that. I have a very nice guy friend who is blind. He said to me, "I am saying this because I love you as a person,  so don't be offended.  But I can't feel sorry for you. You should have known better. I am surprised he didn't move out sooner."  When people start saying stuff like that, you really start to think... .

[Emelie Emelie]

Top Knot:  Exactly.  This has left me with a lot of people (and myself) thinking I am screwed up.  Went through tremendous pain and went back for more.  Which is screwed up.  And yes... . it embarrasses me a great deal.  Especially with my coworkers.  (Employees more accurately... . I'm the boss... . which makes it worse.)  A younger woman at work that I am very close to literally started crying when she found out I was thinking of going back to him.  She said I have so much respect for you and if you go back to him I'm going to lose that respect.  Well I went back and I'm sure she did lose respect. 

I found out, with the help of a T, that I do have some FOO issues of my own.  I was like great, so how do we fix them?  He said you don't really "fix" them.  You just become aware of them and what's driving your reactions.  Great.  I was hoping for better than that . 

[Veronykah]

Oh Emelie and topknot, I feel like that.

The amount of times my friends have looked at me like "What the heck is wrong with you?" is sad.

I am not a weak person and I think they are completely confused how someone as "badass" or whatever you want to call it has been caught up in this.

It astounds me too, if you would've told me before I met him I would be doing what I've done I would NEVER have believed you.

Broken up with too many times to count? CHEATED ON and taken him back?

I would NEVER have believed it.

My actual T comes back next week and I'm sure we are going to have a nice long conversation about all of this as well as what the other T said about me being co-dependent and a "love addict"... . ugh its all so depressing to me.

I will not let this guy break me. I've been lucky, well since Monday, he has left me alone. I know its probably irrational to think he will stay away but I am hoping he's going to actually leave me alone instead of the usual ignore til he feels like it then text/call/come to my apt incessantly.

I will get over this and I will meet someone who will make me shake my head and wonder why I kept myself in all this.

I will.

[Emelie Emelie]

You go girl!  You will.  I have no doubt of that. 

I've spent the better part of two years in some form of a relationship with this guy.  During which he dumped me twice.  That's all he gets.  He's not getting the next two.  I am going to do the work and get through this.  Deal with pain.  Learn to let him go.  Come out the other side. 

And you will too.

[topknot]

We have to be strong and know that one more day without them is one step closer to sanity. I had to text him today. And why?  It's so embarrassing. The two times I let him use my car for work, he blew thru all the tollbooths without paying. Where I live, that is a huge fine, and if you don't pay it, the state will start to screw with your license. He told me almost two weeks ago he would pay it immediately.  I had to ask over and over this week,  did you pay my fine? Finally,  he did. I am so not paying for his stupidity.  My 19 year old twin boys are way more responsible than that. I said,  I really don't need a fourth kid to raise,  I am done. So childish in so many ways.

[Veronykah]

Just got home from work, alone on Saturday night.

I think this is what a lot of it is about, he was a great companion (always ALWAYS with the caveat of when he wasn't being a huge dick). We hung out all weekend usually and did whatever I wanted most of the time. It was so fun, now I can hang out with friends but none of them are as fun as hanging out with him. That is something I am missing... . a lot.

I HATE that I still deep down inside want him to come back. I'm waiting for the note on the car, the voicemail, him outside my apartment. I almost wonder if he was serious when he said if I ever told him to leave me alone that he really would. It's been 4 days... .

But I CAN'T take him back. He cheated and I forgave him (well sort of) and friended the girl on FB recently. AFTER whining and getting pissy that I wouldn't add him. I can't take that violation. I probably would have tolerated his breaking up and terrible anger if he didn't cheat, but that once was bad but TWICE, yeah I can't anymore. The 2 losers are probably hanging out together right now.