not fair

[honeysuckle]

I know all about BPD. I know that him getting an engagement ring for someone a month out of our relationship is normal for them. I know that him dumping me and blaming me when he was the one lying and cheating is normal. I know he is going to mess that relationship up too. I know he still wants to be friends for his own needs. i know that him telling others he finally got rid of me then 2 hours later texting me that he misses me is normal. I know going NC was the right choice. i know i know i know... .

I feel empty and sad and like its so not fair after everything ive done to keep that relationship going and im alone and hes living a "happy" life. I feel betrayed. I feel like I lost my best friend. I feel tired of feeling anything for or about him at all. This sucks. it really really sucks

[Veronykah]

I can't say much to you but I know exactly how you feel, I'm there with you right now.

It's the worst.

I'm so sorry.

[Alex86]

Hi honeysuckle,

I feel almost the same. Right now I feel numb and emotionally drained.

I feel so much tired that even if my ex talked to me I would have nothing to say. And it's been now nearly 3 months since breakup.

The effort I put in that relationship was tremendous. But it takes two for this to work.

Sometimes I don't even have the desire to talk to people. Just reading bpdfamily and books.

Take care of yourself as he is taking care of himself!

[Caredverymuch]

I know all about BPD. I know that him getting an engagement ring for someone a month out of our relationship is normal for them. I know that him dumping me and blaming me when he was the one lying and cheating is normal. I know he is going to mess that relationship up too. I know he still wants to be friends for his own needs. i know that him telling others he finally got rid of me then 2 hours later texting me that he misses me is normal. I know going NC was the right choice. i know i know i know... .

I feel empty and sad and like its so not fair after everything ive done to keep that relationship going and im alone and hes living a "happy" life. I feel betrayed. I feel like I lost my best friend. I feel tired of feeling anything for or about him at all. This sucks. it really really sucks

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am sorry you are feeing this way. I feel the same way too and its been 11 mos since my relationship with my expBPD ended. Putting so much energy into someone you cared about is exhausting when the reward is the behaviors you stated. We all know how that feels and how much it hurts. I said many the same words to my T. Its not fair they get to be happy while we are left feeling this way. Her response was something I recall. They are not happy people. They have no idea who they are on a daily basis. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

[honeysuckle]

thank you so much for the responses. no one in my circle really gets it. just move on and the hell with him. never thought he was any good for you anyway. they don't understand. and i hope they never do.i spent most of the day thinking of all the issues that new relationship already has yet he couldn't wait to be with her... . ughk. i have good days and bad days. this is a bad one. i hope tomorrow is a better one for us all!

[seeking balance]

i have good days and bad days. this is a bad one. i hope tomorrow is a better one for us all!

There will be a time when there are more good days than bad.

Knowing it all, the BPD and such helps depersonalize the actions, but it really doesn't make the pain disappear.  We have a very significant loss that opens us up raw - this takes some time to heal. 

No, friends don't get it unless they have been there or in the mental health field and have dealt with borderlines.

We are here for you though - and it will get better.

Peace,

SB

[crookedeuphoria]

I feel empty and sad and like its so not fair after everything ive done to keep that relationship going and im alone and hes living a "happy" life.

I totally understand. We all do. I think what you need to remember is that he isn't happy, he probably never will be. But you can be. Once you have grieved and figured out your part in this whole thing, you will be able to move on and have a healthy, happy life and relationship. His isn't real. It's all illusion and shadows.

[Veronykah]

"They have no idea who they are on a daily basis."

Can someone explain that concept to me? I've ALWAYS had a very strong sense of self so the idea that you don't have one, I can't even wrap my mind around what that even means. I recall my uBPDx telling me how he felt empty all the time and felt nothing but it never really made sense, the emptiness. Wondering if anyone has a good explanation... .

[Vatz]

You're tending a garden, at the center is dead, withered tree. No matter the water and sunlight you ensure the garden gets, that tree won't grow. The flowers that bloom around it (a metaphor for your love, if you will) can be beautiful, but the withered tree will cast an ugly shadow.

Uproot the dead tree. Plant the seeds of a new tree. One that when it grows will reflect the love and care you gave to it and the garden that it stands in.


It applies to disordered relationships and unrequited love. Effort, love, and care can only do so much. When it doesn't work, you must invest your precious time into something that *will* grow. Another tree, another love. It won't look like the one in the picture, but it'll grow and it'll be yours.

Also, he's not living happily-ever-after, either.

Yes, I know how you feel. It's painful not just because of what you put in. But what you got too. The companionship, the affection. I miss these things, too. I'm not looking forward to the lonely nights ahead. But then again, there were some lonely nights even when sharing a bed.

Best of luck, and stay strong. We all have to.

[honeysuckle]

i feel a little better today thank you to all of you. I helps me to know that i am not the only one dealing with this and gives me a a place of comfort. i have read many times they are not really happy but i am confused by the honeymooning he is doing with his gf now. does that not give them happiness?

Veronykah its like we are living the same thing! I believe they latch on to people with strong sense of self to copy it. I too was someone always looked to as a strong independent person. now people just feel sorry for me. Its just one more thing i lost in this journey. but i will get it back and so will you!