What Do They Regard As Controlling?

[Willingtolearn]

I have seen many posts where non's have said they expwBPD has regarded them as " Controlling" . So what is controlling for a pwBPD?   How do they think we non's can control them?

The only personal experience i can recall was when my exBPDgf went into a rage because i hadn't sent a reply to a text message that she had sent two days earlier.

Would a pwBPD regard not having reply to a text message as being controlling?

[Veronykah]

In my experience, anything THEY don't like. If you ask anything of them you are controlling or suffocating them.

I never made demands on mine to not hang out with friends or anything other than telling him I was hoping he'd come over on the weekends since that was the only time we had, that was "suffocating" to him.

If you assert your needs in any way it becomes about how terrible YOU are, it's not rational. One of my first steps in this process (I'm still super new here) has been to remind myself to stop trying to understand his words and behavior. It will NEVER be rational or make sense to someone without BPD.

[OutOfEgypt]

Yeah, based on my experience with my ex wife, it was "controlling" to her if she felt ANY negative feelings from me about any of her behavior.  If she even whiffed that I was not completely happy with her or upset or disgruntled or unhappy about anything, and it was directed toward her, it was "controlling."  Any expression of unmet need, such as communicating to them that they don't consider your feelings or are emotionally distant, can be viewed as "nagging" or "controlling" -especially if you dare to express it more than once because they obviously don't respond to your communication the first time.  They hate us having any expectations of them.  They view them as constraints or controls.  We should just "get over it."  In fact, once my wife said, "But wouldn't you rather I do those things for you because at the time I actually feel like it?"  In other words, they should be able to do whatever they feel, even if it means laying in bed all day and watching television and asking you to bring them snacks, and you are controlling if you don't like it.  Yet they are allowed, in their minds, to have lavish and ultimate expectations of us regarding our devotion to them and their needs.  Boundaries are often also viewed as controlling and "mean."  And if you ever ask them to do something such as show you that they can be trusted again, you are controlling.  In other words, anything that involves any inkling of them losing control over you and the relationship is, to them, viewed as controlling .  Things are only "safe" to them when they have control and have everything on their terms.

[mywifecrazy]

I believe it is all about PROJECTION!  They are the ones that are CONTROLLING with their lying and manipulating ways and they know it!  The only way they can deal with the shame of their actions is to project the behavior on to you.  My uBPDxw told people some real DOOSIES about me being controlling:

I wouldn't let her do anything

She wasn't even allowed to buy our kids presents

I made her scrub the kitchen floors on her hands and knees   

  This is LAUGHABLE because I had to BEG HER to clean floors

   I ended up cleaning them myself!

I forced myself on her sexually (rape) also laughable because for the last 5

  Yrs we hardly ever were intimate 

I must have been the worst CONTROLLING man in  HISTORY because she was

Able to run around and have multiple affairs throughout our marriage!

Again they accuse us of being controlling as a means of PROJECTING their actions onto us! 

[OutOfEgypt]

mywifecrazy... . i feel ya, man.  Projection, exactly

[antjs]

Spot on mwc

[patientandclear]

I think OutofEgypt has explained the universe of behavior viewed as controlling set well.

The origins of that feeling seem often (and for my ex, definitely) in having grown up with such a parental style that punished and tried to suffocate the development of his self. In a desperate attempt to preserve his sense of self now, he is hyper alert to being judged, especially having love made contingent on him conforming to someone else's needs. Whence the hostility towards boundaries.

I wish he didn't have this reaction to my legitimate needs but given his upbringing I can understand where it comes from.

[AwakenedOne]

Control to my ex was me not saying yes to everything she wants.

Control was me asking her not to say G.D. constantly or her to not refer to me as a "Fker" meant I am controlling her speech and this is a violation of her rights.

Control was expecting her to honor my rights.

Control was expecting her to honor our marriage vows.

[OutOfEgypt]

Did you ever get "You're not my dad!" from her?

I got that a lot... . especially when I would dare confront her for publicly humiliating or verbally abusing our children.

I eventually told her, "Then stop acting like you need one!"

[Blimblam]

Did you ever get "You're not my dad!" from her?

I got that a lot... . especially when I would dare confront her for publicly humiliating or verbally abusing our children.

I eventually told her, "Then stop acting like you need one!"

There were times when she would say that to me.  Other times when I would tell her Im not her Dad.  She would pull the victim crap she would pull with her Dad.

[Emelie Emelie]

Funny... . What I got was "I need a girlfriend not a mother". 

[myself]

My ex would very rarely admit that she herself was controlling/out of control.

Who tugged the most strings? Who forced them into play?

"Pay no attention to that pwBPD behind the curtain."