How do you respond?

[BadKitty]

Hello all, and happy Friday.

I was just curious about how others respond to the question "Why are you still with me?"

I get this question all the time and I have no idea how to respond. I know my response of "Because I love you... . " is not the right answer. 

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Hello all, and happy Friday.

I was just curious about how others respond to the question "Why are you still with me?"

I get this question all the time and I have no idea how to respond. I know my response of "Because I love you... . " is not the right answer. 

Excellent question... . don't take my answer as gospel... . but I'll give it a shot.

I think that you should deal with the underlying emotion first... . somehow... . and get around to the I love you at the end.

So... maybe directly asking what emotion they are feeling... . not sure.

I'll be checking back for answers from more senior members.

[Mono No Aware]

My uBPDw also hates the response, "Because I love you."

But I still stick to it because it is true.

[formflier]

My uBPDw also hates the response, "Because I love you."

But I still stick to it because it is true.

It may be true... . but I think (suspect) it is invalidating.  So... . you saying that may come off as teasing them... . or being a smart@ss... .

Or telling them that they are not feeling... what they are feeling

[maxsterling]

Haha, you get this question, too?    My thought is the root of the question is they see themselves as unlovable and have an emotion that you don't really love them and that you will eventually cheat or leave.  the pwBPD really can't find any logical reason why a decent person would ever want to be with someone so miserable.  But just being asked that kind of question really hurts, doesn't it?

I'm always wondering if I validate the emotion here, is it in effect validating the absurd and enabling this question to be asked again?  I probably get a variant of this question at least every other day.  Variants include: ":)o you still love me?"  and if I say "yes", she responds with "Are you sure?"  Last night it was, "did you see any pretty ladies when you were out?"  Geez, if that is not a trap question!

I responded last night by saying, "That's not the reason I went out," to which she replied, "that's the right answer."  But it still felt like by responding at all I was playing into her game that I should try to avoid participating in.  

My GF has even asked or made statements in couples therapy about why I am still with her.  The T then responds that she should focus on the fact that I *am* with her as being her answer.  I think that is what DBT is suppose to help them with - living in the moment and accepting the reality of the moment. I think that is what our T is trying to do here - the "why" is not as important as the reality of what *is*.  

[formflier]

   Variants include: ":)o you still love me?"  and if I say "yes", she responds with "Are you sure?"  Last night it was, "did you see any pretty ladies when you were out?"  Geez, if that is not a trap question!

Back before I knew about BPD... . there were times that I was just so sick of this type of question... . I knew it was a fight... . so might as well go big... . I just didn't care.

So... (and I know this is horrible... . I can't believe I was at this place)  I would either counter with a question such as pretty ladies with big or nice (fill in the appropriate body part)... . or I would just say yeah!  and dive into an explanation of what I saw... . etc etc.

Set the timer on the nuke... .

To make it even worse... . when she asked why I would say such things... . I would counter with "you asked... . and you have also said honestly is important... . so... . if you don't want to know... . don't ask"...  

Whew... . that was a long time ago... . and those could turn into big arguments.

Kinda odd to think about it... . I didn't mind the arguments so bad when I was in a argumentative mood... but I would tire of them much quicker that she would.

[maxsterling]

Formflier - haha!  I shouldn't laugh, but I am tempted to do the same sometimes.  I think it falls along the line of "ask a stupid question... . "  People without BPD tend to get the hint and learn when we give curt or sarcastic responses (not to say such responses don't hurt, but nons understand why they got such a response and often won't ask the same question again). For pwBPD, it's the start of WWIII.

The thing that bothers me about such questions is that they are rooted in insecurity, and insecurity is rooted in insecure internal feelings - a lack of a sense of self.  So when she asks me if I was noticing other women, I take that to mean she would be constantly trying to stop herself from looking at other men.  She's projecting the way she views herself onto me. 

[formflier]

  So when she asks me if I was noticing other women, I take that to mean she would be constantly trying to stop herself from looking at other men.  She's projecting the way she views herself onto me. 

Yeah... . that is the sad... . and worrisome part.

If you have seen my other posts on here... you will see that I have been told numerous times that I was hiding money... going to take her assets... . blah blah blah... .

Never once does she show any transaction that I can explain... .

Once she even said she called the bank... . and that they told her I had secret accounts... . so... . I called the bank with her right there... . and her story totally got perforated.  Not a scintilla of truth... .

So... . who actually hides money... . she does... . transferred $30k to her own account.

[maxsterling]

Relating that back to the OP's question - what reasons would *you* ever ask the question, "why do you stay with me?"  The only situation where I may ask that as if I am getting bombarded with complaints and it seems my partner has no good things to say about me.  My goal in asking would not be because I care what the response is, but because I would want to suggest that my partner step away from the complaints and think about what she is doing.  I would simply be trying to get her to consider the question. 

[formflier]

Relating that back to the OP's question - what reasons would *you* ever ask the question, "why do you stay with me?"  The only situation where I may ask that as if I am getting bombarded with complaints and it seems my partner has no good things to say about me.  My goal in asking would not be because I care what the response is, but because I would want to suggest that my partner step away from the complaints and think about what she is doing.  I would simply be trying to get her to consider the question. 

Not sure if I have ever tried that... usually when I try to redirect the question... . she demands I answer first...

Basically she sniffs out a redirection... . and pitches a fit

[BadKitty]

Thanks for your replies. I never know how to answer the question. I know my answer is not good enough because he just replies with, "No, you don't... . " followed by the things I wouldn't do if I did love him.

Maybe someday I will find the right response.

Maybe I will work on getting him to focus on the fact that I am and not the why.

[formflier]

Thanks for your replies. I never know how to answer the question. I know my answer is not good enough because he just replies with, "No, you don't... . " followed by the things I wouldn't do if I did love him.

Maybe someday I will find the right response.

Maybe I will work on getting him to focus on the fact that I am and not the why.

Hey... . the right response?  I think I get what you are asking... . but I think this needs to be thought through a bit.

So... . what happens is you say the "right response?  My guess is that you think he will be happy or say something nice.

What I think you should consider is coming up with the right response for yourself... . and "because I love you" may be correct. 

Whatever it is... . stick with it.  Say it once... . and if there is verbal abuse after that... . stick with whatever limit you  come up with to be appropriate for that.  Possibly walking away ... . or walking away after saying you will be back in xx minutes... .

Any theory that has you figuring out the "right" answer based on his responses... . probably not a good plan. 

Thoughts? 

[stuckgirl]

i say something like 'i care about you' or i love you,and it does work sometimes

when things are very bad or if he's dysregulated,it just causes a worse eruption,

with sentences like 'youre lying' 'you hate me' and some horrible times 'i hate you too' said to me.