I need a plan for the sake of the children.

[enlighten me]

Recently left my uBPDexgf as I couldn't take any more.

After finding out about BPD I just feel so sorry for her. To have gone through her adult life not truly experiencing love is just awful. All the stories of her past relationships and what her exs did has now been taken with a pinch of salt and I also feel sorry for her exs.

My concern now is that the children are at risk. Not risk of violence but risk of developing this unstable personality and having a view on life and people that is tainted in some way.

The ex has 2 children from previous relationships g9 b7 and we have a b1 together.

When the anger wasn't being aimed at me it was her daughter on the receiving end. It could be the slightest thing that set my ex off with her daughter and the arguments were fierce. The ex would go into meltdown when the daughter said she wanted to live with her dad. Im ashamed to say that I did not step in and try and calm these spats as I had already been told by the ex that only she had a right to say how her children were disciplined. Also the daughter got away with so much that at times I thought she needed a good telling off even though the rage did not fit the crime committed. Lastly though Im ashamed to admit it I was relieved that it wasn't me getting screamed at for a change.

I would also like to add that I have no intention of returning to my ex so I am not scared of being painted black by any actions necessary to try and help her.

So my dilemma.

How do I get my ex to start realising that her actions aren't normal? She has mentioned to me once that the anger is really intense and that it wasn't quite right.

Can I use this as a way in or will she go into denial about it?

Do I broach the subject when she is calm or post rage when she is calm and feeling guilty?

Do I approach her family? I know that coming out to them and saying your daughter has BPD would not be good as it would get back to the ex but what about saying "Im concerned". "Ive seen her temper and I think it might be an idea for her to be able to talk to someone about it"

Do I play the friend card with the ex and try and become her shoulder to cry on and gently offer advice?

It seems such a minefield but it is one I must tackle for my sons sake and her other 2 children.

Thanks

[Surnia]

Hi enlighten me

I can understand your concerns about the children's emotional wellbeing.

And no, I would not recommend to tell her family about BPD.

May I ask you, how is the situation regarding visits or custody for the youngest? Are their any arrangements? What about custody?

[enlighten me]

Hi Surnia

The situation is a little complicated. My son lives with her and I work abroad on a six week rotation. Nothing firm has been set up yet as she doesn't want to discuss anything via email so I will have to wait until I get home in 3 weeks time.

The more I have thought about it the more worried I have got. Her daughter 9 is already showing a lot of traits. She has a temper and rages like her mum. She is selfish. Not the selfish of a child not wanting to share a toy but as an example I bought a big bowl of chips one day for us all to share with our sandwiches. Without a thought for anyone else she pulled them in front of her and covered them in ketchup. I know this may seem insignificant but there have been so many occasions like this that it has made me wonder why she is so self centred. She is also a liar. She even twists events to get people in trouble me included. She has had a lot of trouble at school and claims to have been bullied but Im starting to think that she is the antagonist and the so called bully is just reacting.

With the daughter showing all of this and her son 7 starting to do things aswell I can only worry about my son 13 months growing up with 3 potential BPDs in the house.

[Surnia]

The waiting about going back home is hard.

I think one of the nearer goals could be to establish a sort of dialogue with your ex to find solutions for your son when you are at home. Some quality time for you and your son would be a step.

Are you a little familiar with the communication tools of this board? Perhaps this could help you. I am referring to validation and not arguing.

[enlighten me]

Ive been looking into the validation technique. Im not generally an argumentative person so I should be ok.

I don't think the visitation will be a problem but I doubt if I will be allowed to have him on my own for quite sometime. This unfortunately means that I will have to be in her company to see my son.

[Surnia]

but I doubt if I will be allowed to have him on my own for quite sometime. This unfortunately means that I will have to be in her company to see my son.

Mh - what about the legal side? I am very bad myself in legal questions and its often depending from state to state, perhaps you may need the legal board here too.

[enlighten me]

I live in the UK so its a little different.

I have moved out of my house as I couldn't kick her and the kids onto the street. The kids have got enough to worry about without being homeless.

By rights as the mother of my child she is entitled to live in my house.

I don't think I will need to do the court thing as with her ex husband she hardly did anything through the legal system. She also knows that when I was going through my divorce I battled for my children. She also had a watertight case of constructive dismissal that would have paid out thousands and she avoided doing it.