Angry

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm struggling a lot with anger -not so much toward my uBPDexw, per se (though perhaps by connection, yes).  More just toward life, God, and women in general.  I feel like I got robbed, and I feel like I'm doomed to walk this earth alone for the rest of my life because I made a simple mistake in getting involved with the wrong woman.  I know... . I'm being a little dramatic.  But what triggered this lately is an incident with a woman I began talking to and had plans to take out on a date.  Now, the dating scene in my area is absolutely horrible.  It's full of either drug addicts, trailer-trash moms (no offense to anybody) who have like 5 kids from 5 different dads or, really hot women who think they are too good for us and have their pick of the awful selection of good men in this area, or if you are lucky, a good "Christian" woman who is beautiful and has her life seemingly together, but because she has been hurt and tends toward living in a church-bubble has a very perfectionistic idea of what a good "Christian" guy ought to look like.  I am a Christian, but it is truly depressing. 

Anyway, I met a woman last weekend who was actually really nice.  She shares the same beliefs, has a pretty deep heart, has been a single mom for a few years, and is stunningly beautiful.  By all accounts, she's been the only prospect over the past few months that made me actually have some hope.  She talked to me off and on for a few days, mostly via texting, and I thought there was real compatability and potential.  But then it happened.  During one of our conversations she had to abruptly go.  I have no idea what I said, but I just had this sense, a gut feeling.  The next day she complains that her child is sick and she has a little bit of a sore throat.  And, as I predicted, yesterday she cancelled our plans for tonight, stating that she needs to be home with her child and isn't feeling well herself.  She said, "I'm sorry, but we'll have to reschedule.  I'm sure you understand."  Now, she could be telling the truth, but when a prospective date cancels plans and then leaves it totally open-ended like that, it usually means they aren't interested.  If they actually want to date you but had to cancel, they will take it upon themselves to nail down a new time.  "Can we try for next weekend?"  But nope -that didn't happen.  So I told her I'm sorry that she and her child are not feeling well and that I hoped that they feel better soon, and that whenever she is up for getting together she should let me know.  She thanked me and said ok.  I didn't text her again, and I won't unless she contacts me first, period.

This situation it really triggered some awfully intense anger in me toward life, toward God, toward everything, and renewed feelings of self-doubt -like "huh?  what went wrong?".  Like bitter despair mixed with discouragement.  I feel like I was robbed of having the wife and family I wanted.  And now there's nothing out there, and who knows... . in spite of all the hard work with my T I may be too damaged to even have a relationship.  I barely knew this woman, but I got my hopes up and had them dashed again.  Maybe I just need to stay single.  Anybody else know how I feel?  How did you come out of it?

I'm sure I sound like a brat who isn't getting his way, and I know I have TONS in other areas of life to be thankful for (like great kids and a great job).  I'm just really having a hard time today.

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm struggling a lot with anger -not so much toward my uBPDexw, per se (though perhaps by connection, yes).  More just toward life, God, and women in general.  I feel like I got robbed, and I feel like I'm doomed to walk this earth alone for the rest of my life because I made a simple mistake in getting involved with the wrong woman.  I know... . I'm being a little dramatic.  But what triggered this lately is an incident with a woman I began talking to and had plans to take out on a date.  Now, the dating scene in my area is absolutely horrible.  It's full of either drug addicts, trailer-trash moms (no offense to anybody) who have like 5 kids from 5 different dads or, really hot women who think they are too good for us and have their pick of the awful selection of good men in this area, or if you are lucky, a good "Christian" woman who is beautiful and has her life seemingly together, but because she has been hurt and tends toward living in a church-bubble has a very perfectionistic idea of what a good "Christian" guy ought to look like.  I am a Christian, but it is truly depressing. 

Anyway, I met a woman last weekend who was actually really nice.  She shares the same beliefs, has a pretty deep heart, has been a single mom for a few years, and is stunningly beautiful.  By all accounts, she's been the only prospect over the past few months that made me actually have some hope.  She talked to me off and on for a few days, mostly via texting, and I thought there was real compatability and potential.  But then it happened.  During one of our conversations she had to abruptly go.  I have no idea what I said, but I just had this sense, a gut feeling.  The next day she complains that her child is sick and she has a little bit of a sore throat.  And, as I predicted, yesterday she cancelled our plans for tonight, stating that she needs to be home with her child and isn't feeling well herself.  She said, "I'm sorry, but we'll have to reschedule.  I'm sure you understand."  Now, she could be telling the truth, but when a prospective date cancels plans and then leaves it totally open-ended like that, it usually means they aren't interested.  If they actually want to date you but had to cancel, they will take it upon themselves to nail down a new time.  "Can we try for next weekend?"  But nope -that didn't happen.  So I told her I'm sorry that she and her child are not feeling well and that I hoped that they feel better soon, and that whenever she is up for getting together she should let me know.  She thanked me and said ok.  I didn't text her again, and I won't unless she contacts me first, period.

This situation it really triggered some awfully intense anger in me toward life, toward God, toward everything, and renewed feelings of self-doubt -like "huh?  what went wrong?".  Like bitter despair mixed with discouragement.  I feel like I was robbed of having the wife and family I wanted.  And now there's nothing out there, and who knows... . in spite of all the hard work with my T I may be too damaged to even have a relationship.  I barely knew this woman, but I got my hopes up and had them dashed again.  Maybe I just need to stay single.  Anybody else know how I feel?  How did you come out of it?

I'm sure I sound like a brat who isn't getting his way, and I know I have TONS in other areas of life to be thankful for (like great kids and a great job).  I'm just really having a hard time today.

[seeking balance]

OOE,

Dating can push our buttons like nothing else.  It requires vulnerability and trust (not in someone else, but in ourselves).

If we are able to date and "not care", that is not any better.

Going through a trauma and not being fully healed means moments we restart the grief rollercoaster - which includes anger.

Whether she told you the truth about her kid or not and whether this woman reschedules or not - is less important as the fact how it is effecting you.

Self worth and confidence comes from within  - knowing to trust ourselves.

I can relate to be angry with God - I was for a while too.  I did what you started to do at the end of this thread... . focused on being grateful so I didn't become too bitter or too jaded... . it wasn't easy at all.

How you feel right now, from my experience is pretty normal - maybe take a break from dating and try other activities like meetups, hiking, etc to give you something to do with your time, but not have the rollercoaster associated with dating - let yourself have some more time to depersonalize everyone else's actions.

Practicing the beliefs of "being in the now" and "radical acceptance" is challenging, but it does help the highs/lows not feel so extreme.  It is a practice though - not a one time event.

Good for you for sharing, that takes courage and helps lessen the burden. 

Peace,

SB

[lifeafter18years]

I went out 2 days ago with an old friend from high school just to get out again after 18 years and being cheated on.  He held my hand at one point and asked so nice.  Tried to kiss me outside but I turned my head because I am still married... . though getting divorced.  He said he understood and we talked alot next day.  Yesterday I saw him again because I was feeling lonely and excited to be thought of again. Well he kissed me, ok, but then tried to go alottttttttt further and I said no.  I cried all the way home because I felt like first my soon to be ex husband cheats on me, is with her, I meet someone, think I am going to be respected and then I am groped.  I felt like he only saw me hoping I would give him some. This new guy has not called today though he told me to call him.  I am not.  Am I out of touch, what happened to chivalry.  Is it dead?  I never thought this guy I knew from high school would do this so quickly.  So I understand how you feel because Me as a Woman, I tried and it did not go well in the end. I want respect, to be adored, cherised, not manhandled to fufill just someone elses needs. Dont give up though, I am not going to either.  We will find someone good again in time... . that word we always hear... . time.

[OutOfEgypt]

Thanks, SB.  Yes, I think I am going to take a bit of time for myself... . even if it is six months... . and just focus on my own life.

lifeafter18years... . yes, there is that word, "time".  I hate that word.  Everybody says that word, and I want to punch them in the face -collectively and one-at-a-time.  "Time"... . time is what I've already lost WAY too much of while living in hell.  "Time" has been spent in agony and loneliness in something that was supposed to be called a "marriage."  "Time" sucks.  Screw time.  But there is no real way around it.

[woke up]

This is a really good discussion.  I believe putting a timeline is just setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.  I did the same as you, I gave myself 6 months, but now going just past 8 months, I'm still not ready, even though I have dated, I realized I'm not ready for a relationship yet.  Part of the problem is that we got used to the chaos and keep mistaking it for passion, so when we find someone normal, we think they are boring and we don't give them a chance.  The other thing is that we are so hyper vigilant that the minute there is even the smallest of an issue, we enforce our boundaries to protect ourselves thinking this is not going to happen to me again, it's a self defense mechanism and perfectly normal, but with our hurt from our exBPDs we are kind of going over board. 

Outofeygpt, in your case, as was in mine, you are not fully healed because you are still tying your happiness to another person, and when they let you down, it brings out anger.  Actually it's a good sign that you still need to work on yourself, so take it as a blessing that the universe is protecting and guiding you.   

[OutOfEgypt]

thanks, woke up.  and i agree

the one thing I'm not sure I agree with is this:

... . in your case, as was in mine, you are not fully healed because you are still tying your happiness to another person, and when they let you down, it brings out anger

I think it is impossible to not feel anything when someone lets you down.  But I get what you are saying in general... . the degree to which I am flipping out is a good sign I need to heal more   haha

[woke up]

The point I was trying to make was that we will be disappointed, how we react to that disappointment is a measure of our healing.  In other words, if it's a small disappointment, then the reaction should be equavalent.  However, in our cases, our reaction tends to be over the top, that's a big indication that we are not ready.  In my case, I continue to date, I'm dating women that are my type and some not my type just to broaden my horizons.  It teaches me, even at my age, what is acceptable and what is not.  And sometimes, I'm pleasantly surprised at dating someone that wasn't my type, but I ended up having a really good time.  I don't put pressure on myself to find the right girl, she will come in due time, for now, just enjoy being at the edge of your comfort zone and simply go out to enjoy yourself, nothing else.

[Emelie Emelie]

Dating again is hard.  I get angry too.  I had a first date with a guy last Friday night.  Nice guy... . nice time.  He asked when he could see me again.  I said give me a call.  He called 60 seconds later from his car and asked me to dinner the following night.  I'm thinking WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP  .  Maybe... . but probably not.  Before my BPD relationship I would have thought, nice.  He likes me and he's not playing any games.  Romantic.  I would have been flattered.  I've been left very distrustful.  Not sure if I can believe anything anyone says to me anymore.  He was so sincere... . so many times... . and none of it was the ultimate truth.  And yeah, I'm angry with him for that.

I sometimes think we're also looking for someone else to stop the pain.  Fill the void and erase the sense of loss we're experiencing.  That just sets us up for disappointment.  I think Woke Up has some great advice.  Just go out and enjoy yourself.  The right woman will come in time.  You're pretty young to give up your dreams of a wife and a family.  Or decide you're better off single.  I can assure you if you don't want to be single you won't be.  You're just in a tough place right now. 

As for the woman you were texting with, maybe she was blowing you off.  Maybe she wasn't.  You'll know if she gets back to you.  But if not it could be for a million reasons... . most of which have nothing to do with you.  It's disappointing, yes, but that's all it is. 

My exBPDbf was the first guy I dated after my divorce.  And you know what?  I didn't want to go.  I thought he was definitely not right for me.  I told myself you've got to get out there some time.  Don't think of it as a "potential partner" thing.  You're just going out and getting to know someone.  I read somewhere that everyone you meet is an "assignment".  There's something to learn about them and yourself.  So that's how I approached it.  I ended up (unfortunately) falling head over heels in love with him.  Point being it's the last thing I expected. 

If you are ready to date I think it's important to do so with a positive attitude.  Some people aren't going to be right for you and you aren't going to be right for some people.  It's almost like an interview.  If you approach it from a sense of lack; there's no one out there, maybe I'm just too damaged, maybe I should just be single... . I think that's the reality you're going to create. 

Take it easy on yourself.  These relationships are unusually difficult to recover from.  You're going to be fine. 

[Turkish]

I feel like I got robbed, and I feel like I'm doomed to walk this earth alone for the rest of my life because I made a simple mistake in getting involved with the wrong woman.

I feel the same way sometimes. I also live in a difficult dating area, if you want a serious r/s, that is.

Can you find mercy in your heart, however? While it can be that a prospective person can suddenly switch like that, it could be that her story is true. My T reminded me to look for people my own age, but at my age they were likely also to have "wounds" as I did. I think he was reminding me in a way to not idealize and to be realistic. A mother's concern, especially if the child is young, will be primarily for that child. Would you feel comfortable sending her a text asking how she and her child are doing, nothing further, and then leaving the ball in her court after that?

[seeking balance]

The point I was trying to make was that we will be disappointed, how we react to that disappointment is a measure of our healing. 

This is really important and accurate.

Case in point, 2 years ago when I started dating again, I was pretty sensitive, I analyzed everything and had very little flexibility.   It was really because I was protecting me.

A few weeks ago, someone that I liked, saw potential, but also saw she was where I was 2 years ago.  Yeah, I was disappointed - but I also was really grateful.  I was able to look a the experience through the lens of "I am not broken any longer" and although I hoped for a different outcome, I really was excited to risk and feel and be ok - I mean really OK.

There is not a prescribed time line - it takes as long as it takes... . we are all different - be gentle with yourself.

[mywifecrazy]

I'm struggling a lot with anger -not so much toward my uBPDexw, per se (though perhaps by connection, yes).  More just toward life, God, and women in general.  I feel like I got robbed, and I feel like I'm doomed to walk this earth alone for the rest of my life because I made a simple mistake in getting involved with the wrong woman. I am a Christian, but it is truly depressing. 

Maybe I just need to stay single.  Anybody else know how I feel?  How did you come out of it?

OOE I don't know your situation but if your break up is recent you should give yourself a break worrying about getting into a relationship or even dating until you are fully healed and recovered from your last relationship. You need to focus on yourself and your kids. Take the time to do things that YOU like to do. You need to find yourself again and get to a point that you're happy as an INDIVIDUAL. If your happiness is based on being with someone else you run the risk of being in another unhealthy relationship. Focus on YOU and get to the point that your happy as a single person and at that time you will be more likely to meet a person that is also happy an healthy as an individual. You don't want another bad relationship!

What. I learned in my education from BPD family is not just how sick my uBPDxw is but it was the FACT that I was UNHEALTHY and that is why I missed all the   that were warning me about her condition.  NEVER AGAIN!

PS focus on your faith too, lean on it.  God didn't hurt us people using their free will hurt us... . And we let them hurt us. God feels your pain and will comfort you if you let Him

Hang in there brother!

[mywifecrazy]

I went out 2 days ago with an old friend from high school just to get out again after 18 years and being cheated on.  He held my hand at one point and asked so nice.  Tried to kiss me outside but I turned my head because I am still married... . though getting divorced.  He said he understood and we talked alot next day.  Yesterday I saw him again because I was feeling lonely and excited to be thought of again. Well he kissed me, ok, but then tried to go alottttttttt further and I said no.  I cried all the way home because I felt like first my soon to be ex husband cheats on me, is with her, I meet someone, think I am going to be respected and then I am groped.  I felt like he only saw me hoping I would give him some. This new guy has not called today though he told me to call him.  I am not.  Am I out of touch, what happened to chivalry.  Is it dead?  I never thought this guy I knew from high school would do this so quickly.  So I understand how you feel because Me as a Woman, I tried and it did not go well in the end. I want respect, to be adored, cherised, not manhandled to fufill just someone elses needs. Dont give up though, I am not going to either.  We will find someone good again in time... . that word we always hear... . time.

Where are the women like you in my life?

Guys will probably mock me but I would have the same reaction as you if a women comes on too strong... . Major  . I actually went out with a beautiful women and she was dropping hints that she just wanted to hop in bed, I said no thanks and didn't peruse the r/s. I had all the MEANINGLESS sex in my life and past r/s. I want TRUELY find the right person and fall on love for all the right reasons. I will never overlook   because I am desperate to be in a r/s. It's going to be a Healthy Relationship for me or No Relationship!

Good for you LA18 for holding firm to your morals.

PS. My marriage ended Father's Day 2013... . It was 18 years for me too   also being cheated on!

[lifeafter18years]

mywifecrazy, I say the same... . where are the men like you out there.  I want real not just lust...   we will find someone good one day... . one day.

[mywifecrazy]

mywifecrazy, I say the same... . where are the men like you out there.  I want real not just lust...   we will find someone good one day... . one day.

From your lips to Gods ears 

[patsmaiz]

In this situation, your best bet is to just relax and breathe.  Let it all go.  I notice you were getting tangled in the details of your interaction with the new person.  That's pretty much a red flag that this isn't going to go anywhere positive. 

You will know when something is right because your mind will let go of the details and you'll be engaged in the bigger picture. 

I am sure, deep down, you don't need to be told there are good women in the world.   You pretty much just have to change the channel in your mind to see them.  When we are stuck on this one channel, all we see is disappointment, insincerity, and craziness.  And, we stop to try to "figure it out" as if that might undo the past.

[crushed_to_pieces]

OOE ~

I am so sorry for everything you've been through. I understand your pain, your anger, and your bleak outlook towards the future. Just like you, I've felt that perhaps I am "doomed to walk this earth alone for the rest of my life."

I spent the last 14 years as a (christian) single mom, raising my boys alone, and working full time to support our little family. (ex husband dismissed himself from the picture years and years ago). This scenario, of course, left very little time for dating.

After my younger brother died in early 2013, my insides were raw, vulnerable and apparently susceptible to the web that BPDs spin so well to entangle and trap their prey.

At the time that I met him, he filled the deep void inside me. He placed me on that high pedestal where all of us nons are placed for a period of time, before the abuse sets in, and that idealization period is intoxicating and addictive. He took the time to get to know what made me tick inside and he mirrored that. He knew that my faith and my family were the 2 most important things in my life, so that quickly became the most important things in his. I won't go into all the details, but our relationship was filled with the same toxicity, pain and betrayal that all of us are way too familiar with.

Since my exBPDfiance ended things in February, I have been seeing a Christian counselor and a psychiatrist, and I still feel like I'm barely hanging on at times. I can go through a cycle of extreme emotions from one moment to the next throughout the day... . feeling everything from sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, desperation, and hopelessness.

Please know that I am by no means living my life in a "church-bubble"  with an obscure idea of what a good "Christian" guy should be, but I have immersed myself deeper in his word throughout this excruciatingly difficult time, and I am praying for that genuine christian man to come into my life. Even in the midst of all my pain I have seen glimpses of God's grace, mercy and even a miracle or two. Some days I am overwhelmed with that heavy feeling of hopelessness, but I remind myself that I worship a God that is capable of anything, that He loves me more than I can even comprehend, and that He has a plan for me.

I'm terrified to re-enter the dating world - I've always hated it, but more so now because my level of trust in guys has diminished to practically nothing. I can understand your reaction to that woman canceling plans with you, but please don't lose faith. You are not being punishing by getting involved with your uBPDxw. How were you to know about her mental illness? You loved her - don't be ashamed of that.

I frequently pray for everyone on this site... . I hear all the pain that each person on these boards carries and I know that pain all too well. I will say an extra prayer for you today.

~CTP