He cant take the blame for anything

[lifeafter18years]

I have not had any contact with my STBEXH for about 3 weeks because of how rude he would be when he finally would call the kids. So I passed the phone to them without answering myself and changed my answering machine message to say my first name only and not our last name as a family.  He noticed that day and left a message there saying " I like your new message".  Why should he care what I say... . he was the one that cheated on me and is with her and her kids and he has to comment on the message.  Then he comes into town yesterday finally to see his kids and calls my cell so I answer because I know it is to see what time he can come.  So I was just waiting when he showed up to see if I was going to get Jeckle or Hyde.  Well I let him know there was no money due to house fixtures that I had to deal with since he could not call to see if everything was alright with the home.  He started turning red and said mad " I am not going to tell the kids to let me speak to you since you are not answering the phone when I call.  You told me not to call you anymore and that why was I calling so I am not going to call you".  Then I told him that I had a right to be upset two days after finding out he was cheating on me, with her and her kids and lying to me all this time.  He turned purple with anger and said " You wanted to know so I told you and you said not to talk to you so I was not going to ask for you".  I told him that he can ask about house/finances like he called my cell about the time to come over. I also told him that we had talked in person (which got me nowhere) after that call and he saw the kids and we were civil so What the heck is he talking about that I wont talk to him.  I told him I am not going to answer if he is going to be rude and I have had to deal with everything by myself because he cannot be a man/father.  He was so mad and blaming ME for getting upset after I found out he cheated... . Am I crazy or what the F? He cheats, is with her, does not call his kids if he is with her, spending all the money on her and her kids but I am the one wrong to be mad and upset and to not want to talk to him.  He is not taking any blame for what he has done to our marriage, our kids, our lives... .   I am so mad and upset because I lost alot and I am at fault for getting upset because I found out he cheated on me.  He is Bipolar and I wonder if with the undiagnosed BPD he is in a mania not taking any blame or fault.  I confronted him again about telling our son how to facebook where I cannot see messages... . that it made my son feel as if he was betraying me.  He said " I did nothing wrong with asking him".   What kind of piece of ___, sad excuse for a father is this that I married and was with for 18 years.  I told him that his son feels he is trying to hang up fast when he calls and my husband said " It is him hanging up fast so I am not going to try to talk to him then".  I told him to stop acting like he is the child and my son should act grown up.  I feel so angry at him and he is just thinking of himself and has done nothing wrong.  My kids did not call him for fathers day since he has not acted like one, he did not call them either since he was with her and her kids  but ohhhh the next day he has nerve to tell my kids why did they not call him-WOW!  I cannot believe this is real, who is this person, will he ever suffer like he has made US suffer... . any comments appreciated.  I feel so lost right now, but trying to be strong through GOD. 

[lifeafter18years]

I forgot to add that why should he care if I answer the phone or not when he calls... . he is with her so why... . I have never gotten any apology, just blame, so why... .

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm sorry LifeAfter.  Can't imagine how much it hurt to find out your husband was cheating on you.  It sounds like this is all pretty fresh so go easy on yourself. 

My exBPDbf never takes responsibility for anything either.  Not with me or in his other damaged relationships; brother, friends, exGF's.  Everything is always their/my fault.  I think they know, deep down inside, but they just can't deal with the shame and guilt accepting responsibility would make them face. 

As for "why should he care"?  When I started dating after he abruptly dumped me the first time he went nuclear.  Would rage at me over text.  I was incredulous.  I was like hey, you dumped me, remember?  Which would get me a response like:  "YES I DID!  Which was clearly the right thing to do.  You have NO respect for our relationship."  It was crazy.  Which is the key word here.  Crazy.  Regardless of the fact that he dumped me it still triggered his abandonment fears.  It doesn't make sense.  Just like the rest of the relationship.  He called me on a Saturday night several weeks after this second break up.  I was driving, surprised to hear from him, and didn't pick it up.  Called him back when I got home.  His first words were a very sarcastic sorry, I forgot it was your date night.  Same damned thing.