I know I need to let go, but I can't seem to convince my heart.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I'm looking for advice on how you managed to convince yourself that the best thing you could do was let go.

My relationship with my uBPDexgf was short, only two months, but she somehow impacted me even more than relationships that spanned years. I believe in my heart of hearts that underneath those defense mechanisms is my soulmate - we had very similar backgrounds and shared similar struggles growing up. She was high functioning and was open about her abandonment issues, so when the push-pull cycles started happening, I was understanding and patient. I feel like I intuitively understood that it seemed like we had finally found the people we'd spend the rest of our lives with, and she feared it as much as she wanted it. So I understood why she'd have moods that sabotaged us, up until the point where she painted me black. If you didn't know what was going on, it seemed reasonable when she said: "I only love you when you're far away, and it's too early to be feeling this way." Of course, that's like buying a new car, lighting it on fire and then innocently declaring it a lemon because it "broke" so quickly.

I don't hate the girl; I want the best for her, and unfortunately she wasn't willing/ready to do the hard work she needed in order to address why she was pushing me away. One day she was telling me she loved me and wanted my children, the next she was breaking up with me, the next begging me to tell her a bedtime story, the next calling me the most horrible and hurtful things a person could say - things that were designed to puncture me in my most vulnerable places. A week after that, she was seeing the guy I knew would be next in line, and went NC.

My therapist put it all together and said you're lucky you got out - that girl is showing all the signs of BPD. Loving her as I did, I asked her to talk to her therapist about BPD, because untreated the suicide rate is extremely high, and I want the best for her. Her response was that my continued contact made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe.  We're at two months of no contact now, and I miss her every day. More background here:

So almost all of the advice I see is "get yourself angry by focusing on the bad times" and "accept that the intense love she showed you was inauthentic" but I feel like she really felt it at the time. Maybe if only the way a child flips from loving you to hating you for not getting them a toy. I can't be angry at her for being wired that way; she didn't ask for volatile parents and a traumatic childhood.

I'm rambling here, but my punch line is, I feel like healing comes from compassionate understanding, not anger. Letting go comes from truly embracing this is for the best, or truly embracing our powerlessness to fight battles for those we love. What I'd love to hear from the community is how they got to that point and began to truly let go.

[Feralnerd]

Hi all,

I'm looking for advice on how you managed to convince yourself that the best thing you could do was let go.

My relationship with my uBPDexgf was short, only two months, but she somehow impacted me even more than relationships that spanned years. I believe in my heart of hearts that underneath those defense mechanisms is my soulmate - we had very similar backgrounds and shared similar struggles growing up. She was high functioning and was open about her abandonment issues, so when the push-pull cycles started happening, I was understanding and patient. I feel like I intuitively understood that it seemed like we had finally found the people we'd spend the rest of our lives with, and she feared it as much as she wanted it. So I understood why she'd have moods that sabotaged us, up until the point where she painted me black. If you didn't know what was going on, it seemed reasonable when she said: "I only love you when you're far away, and it's too early to be feeling this way." Of course, that's like buying a new car, lighting it on fire and then innocently declaring it a lemon because it "broke" so quickly.

I don't hate the girl; I want the best for her, and unfortunately she wasn't willing/ready to do the hard work she needed in order to address why she was pushing me away. One day she was telling me she loved me and wanted my children, the next she was breaking up with me, the next begging me to tell her a bedtime story, the next calling me the most horrible and hurtful things a person could say - things that were designed to puncture me in my most vulnerable places. A week after that, she was seeing the guy I knew would be next in line, and went NC.

My therapist put it all together and said you're lucky you got out - that girl is showing all the signs of BPD. Loving her as I did, I asked her to talk to her therapist about BPD, because untreated the suicide rate is extremely high, and I want the best for her. Her response was that my continued contact made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe.  We're at two months of no contact now, and I miss her every day. More background here:

So almost all of the advice I see is "get yourself angry by focusing on the bad times" and "accept that the intense love she showed you was inauthentic" but I feel like she really felt it at the time. Maybe if only the way a child flips from loving you to hating you for not getting them a toy. I can't be angry at her for being wired that way; she didn't ask for volatile parents and a traumatic childhood.

I'm rambling here, but my punch line is, I feel like healing comes from compassionate understanding, not anger. Letting go comes from truly embracing this is for the best, or truly embracing our powerlessness to fight battles for those we love. What I'd love to hear from the community is how they got to that point and began to truly let go.

[Feralnerd]

Oh, and a bit more background on the relationship is here in my introduction: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=226608.0

[AlwaysForgiving]

Hey, man... . I recently had gone almost 3 months NC with my gf (check out my "My Sad, Devastation Story" post) and there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about her and miss her even though I know she is horrible to me. Just feel lucky you only put 2-3 months with your relationship. I ended up putting 3 years into mine and it didn't end well.

[Happy1]

Hi Feral,

Here's the thing, your therapist is correct. You are lucky and you just don't realize it yet. At some point you will.

One of the things that I think is often forgotten on this board is, that the BPD illness in its dynamics with us Nons affects us too. As some have asserted here, it makes us sick or mentally ill as well. I tend to concur with that notion. So, looking at it from that perspective, what helped me the most was, learning as much as I could about BPD in order to understand what happened to me in the process of my relationship(s), going through counseling and learning to love myself again and to gain personal self esteem (I've actually always been a great person regardless of how I actually felt prior and after my BPD relationship{s}), and then really understanding deeply what "lack of empathy", "objectification" and "dissociation" meant in the context of the person, me, and the world. Those things next lead me to really understand that I am the only one empowered to change anything for me.

Sadly, that took roughly 20+ years. My first BPD relationship was a true disaster and a classic nightmare that you read often here. Back in the late-80s there was no Internet and nobody who would empathize or realize what I was describing or struggling with. I did have great counselors who emphasized "me" but not one of them could tell that I'd been in a BPD relationship, even though now, when I read what people are going through or have experience, it's very clear that they have been affected by a BPD person/relationship. Back in those days, it was if I was speaking some other kind of foreign language and the best counselors in the world had no idea what I was talking about (attachment/abandonment issues associated with the break-up and loss of a BPD).

So, that's my advice. It might be a "long journey" for you too, but it's possible to learn to live a life where all you do when you do think about your BPD is wish them the best and are eventually glad they're not in your life any longer to wreck havoc. That's where I'm at today and I'm glad I made it this far.

Good Luck,

Happy2

[Blimblam]

It seems like your in the right state of mind.  I'm still trying to figure out how to let it go myself.  I guess it's a process and venting to people that get it helps tremendously.  I recommend reading the posts by member 2010.  When your ready ask yourself what is it that attracted you to her?  Why don't you want to let her go?  What did the "relationship" provide for you that you cling to?  

I understand your pain and confusion. This has been the most difficult experience of my life.  

It was nothing personal