Crazy Train

[clljhns]

I haven't posted in a while, so many things going on, haven't had the energy.

I have been in contact with S52 recently. I feel like I am on a crazy train again! With the encouragement from my therapist, I finally told my sister how much she hurt me with her behaviors and words towards me three years ago and most recently three months ago.

Needless to say, it was met with a great deal of anger and rage. I am glad that I did this through an email and not over the phone, because I never would have been able to have said what I needed to.

My sister sent several emails accusing me of conspiring against her and calling me cruel and a liar. Well, I should have seen that coming. Then finally in the last email she gets to the root of her anger towards me. She states that I was not the target of our insane mothers abuse. I don't think that she can make the connection though that this is really why she rails at me, even today so many years later. I was abused by both my parents as well. None of us kids escaped their torture. I cannot be held hostage for something I didn't do, and yet she sees me as the one to blame.

I listened to Ozzie Osborne's song Crazy Train. I really don't care for that kind of music, but the title of the song sparked my curiosity. I listened to the lyrics very carefully. Very profound. It really does describe my crazy family and our relationships.

Ever feel like your on a crazy train? I know that I was not the conductor of the crazy train in my FOO. I was just a helpless child who couldn't get off. Thank God, that now I am off the crazy train and am working towards getting healthy.

I refuse to be defined by my past and cannot understand how my sister can stay there. I guess I am just rambling and needed to vent.

Thanks for listening and may we all get off the crazy train!

Peace and blessings to all. 

[Valley Quail]

Hi clljhns,


Great to see you back on the site... . wow, can I understand the feeling of being on the crazy train. It's like 1+1=47... . so frustrating. I'm sorry for the pain and unfair situations of being mistreated & blamed by your sister... and for the abuse that came from your parents. Your posts are very poignant and well written... . and it's great that you can see everything based on the facts and are taking care of you. Glad to see you back on the site.

[clljhns]

Valley Quail,

Thanks for the support. I guess I have always known that the blame was placed on me by my siblings. It was always apparent through their actions and words. Just don't know how to help them see this. But really it isn't my job to fix them. I can only work on me.

I wonder how confronting my sister was supposed to be helpful, though. I am sure my therapist has a purpose in mind and I will  certainly ask him when I see him next. Stating my feelings only resulted in more insults and abuse. Not sure if that really was so helpful.

Peace and blessings to everyone! 

[Valley Quail]

So frustrating, I'm sorry. Stating my feelings has often led to more insults and abuse too. You deserve happy experiences and good things... . they are coming. They may not come from interactions with your siblings, but they are coming. Wishing you peace and hope.

[clljhns]

Valley Quail,

Yes. Good things are coming. For all of us!