Suddenly thinking of her

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Having a hard time tonight, she has been constantly on my mind.

She has been attempting to enmesh me all week. I have been battling against it. She went so far in this regard that she spent 15 minutes telling me how good I was in bed and all sorts of stuff like that I'm sure you don't want to know.

She went on holiday today, paid for by her parents.

Her 5th relationship in 2.5 months has broken down and she's looking for the next guy, all the while sending me stuff like "I was thinking what our babies look like" while I'm at work, lots of things like that. She even tried to split my up with my lady friend. I played along with her and saw how far she would take this, and then pretended I had broken up with her, to which she instantly dismissed me. I then told her that I could read her like a book and told her what she is doing, how her BPD works etc. She was rude at first then fairly accepting to some degree although was triggered.

That was an interesting 2 days, she kept the bulls**t up and I knew what she was doing.

Regardless, all this contact has got to me I guess, and I'm thinking about her. I had a look on her Facebook and it's wierd, I don't really fancy her anymore, and I don't even know her, or who she is anymore. I don't think she does either and well she's just all over the place. She's mental. She's a walking BPD handbook and she doesn't know what she's doing. I guess this has always been the case. I don't know what it is I can't grasp hold of what I'm feeling yet, just that she is different, a child perhaps. I don't know. I'll let you know when I figure it out. Literally paused for 2 minutes there thinking.

She is damaging herself more and more in a lot of ways, all the while portraying a 'fighter' or a victim or whatever. I feel sad for that, because when malignant hope sets in, and it still does sometimes, I just get the feeling that I wouldn't want to be with her, not just for what she has done, not just for who this narcissistic damaged selfish arrogant, bipolar person she has become, but because of what she has done to herself, and also the lack of respect she shows for me, but then turns around and says things to me that normally someone would only say if they are deeply in love with you.

She's a living, breathing Jekyll and Hide, I really don't know her anymore, but I think this fragmented, disorded world she lives in was there all along, and was the basis for all her instability in our relationship, that constantly infected the world we lived in. I was her rock, and I'm starting to understand what she meant by that, I truly was, and I truly grounded her, even if it meant I repeatedly felt the shockwaves from stablising her mountain of issues.

One minute, to the next, a changing face, a changing person depending on her needs, her position and how she feels, or at least how she thinks she feels. Gaslighting when any type of topic comes up that clearly exposes her behaviour, whether it be lieing, manipulating, being intentionaly hurtful, or anything to do with our relationship. I know sometimes she sits and listens to me, and pretends she is accepting what I'm telling, but I know she is sitting there, completely disregarding everything, or placing the blame back on my, in her brain, me or anything or anyone else, except her. But I tell her anyway, sometimes, rarely, she listens.

She really put me on a pedastal last night, and I said to her because of what you've done I stopped believing these things, and she assured me that they were true. I think she was regretting some aspects of our relationship, namely sex.

But then she talked of me being her true love and she hopes to find that again some day. And what our babies would look like. She told me she was thinking this during the day. Of course I pieced together she was thinking this probably exactly 5 minutes after things went sour with this other guy and she stopped idealising him. Where does she go then? Back to me. I refuse to be her other choice, and I told her I will never get back together with her. She still believes she has me. I said you have to realise that although I still love you in some way, and I probably always will, I will never get back with you for a variety of reasons, self respect, her problems and the way she hurt me and the fact that to be blunt (I wasn't blunt with her) I could do better.

So where am I going wrong? Why am I thinking of her? She's making every mistake a young girl could make. She's hurt me, and most of them time she's a vile little child who lies, emotionally abuses and is so f**king arrogant she can't see the negative of her behaviour and won't accept she has done anything wrong. Why have I not walked away from her? It is becoming more clear to me that because of all these things, she is ultimately a ignorant chav, who learnt enough from me to pass as 'sweet clever girl' when she turns it on, but it's well versed behaviour to entrance people she wants to manipulate.

Why do I miss something I hate?

Why do I think of her?

Why do I entertain the romantic idea of getting back together with someone I once loved so dearly, who is now an utter cow that if I knew then what I know now I would run to the f**king hills away from?

Has my self worth hit that low?

I truly loved her, why has that now become such a burdon, she isn't worth my time and I should just let her get on with her sucky life with no prospects that she is eternally hitting the self destruct button with. I am keenly interested in her life, and it does hurt finding stuff out, especially as she is a child and throws stuff out that any adult with half a brain would know not to, either that or she's intentionally trying to hurt me at those times, but it does fill me with a sense of satisfaction seeing howty her life is and the people she is trying to latch on to (and subsequently how it wont work out). She is seeking damaged people, and even they won't take her for long. She actually said to me "I make people love me for a few weeks or a few months, nothing more than that", even though she tried her very best, she can't help but make the same mistakes over and over again. It's sad really, but she never had that with me, it was different, and now I know she said "you were different". And I'm becoming to realise that I am different, and we were different, because we were real, and with me, I was so awesome that I the BPD didn't have to come out and we just plain and simply fell in love. I am awesome. And with each subsequent failure of her idealisation targets, she is becoming to realise that and telling me things I knew all along. She is very predictable.

I Just wait for someone to come along as awesome as me, to share my life with, but I must be strong and not play up to to my BPD ex's bull. It is still a possibility to become enmeshed I think, and I won't go there.

She messaged me last around 6:30pm, I messaged her back telling her I was going swimming, her response at 7:30pm. "Stop messaging ffs".

She's been silence since, yep, I think so too, her 6th guy in on the cards. Very, very laughable but I bet you I'm right .

[blueman54321]

Having a hard time tonight, she has been constantly on my mind.

She has been attempting to enmesh me all week. I have been battling against it. She went so far in this regard that she spent 15 minutes telling me how good I was in bed and all sorts of stuff like that I'm sure you don't want to know.

She went on holiday today, paid for by her parents.

Her 5th relationship in 2.5 months has broken down and she's looking for the next guy, all the while sending me stuff like "I was thinking what our babies look like" while I'm at work, lots of things like that. She even tried to split my up with my lady friend. I played along with her and saw how far she would take this, and then pretended I had broken up with her, to which she instantly dismissed me. I then told her that I could read her like a book and told her what she is doing, how her BPD works etc. She was rude at first then fairly accepting to some degree although was triggered.

That was an interesting 2 days, she kept the bulls**t up and I knew what she was doing.

Regardless, all this contact has got to me I guess, and I'm thinking about her. I had a look on her Facebook and it's wierd, I don't really fancy her anymore, and I don't even know her, or who she is anymore. I don't think she does either and well she's just all over the place. She's mental. She's a walking BPD handbook and she doesn't know what she's doing. I guess this has always been the case. I don't know what it is I can't grasp hold of what I'm feeling yet, just that she is different, a child perhaps. I don't know. I'll let you know when I figure it out. Literally paused for 2 minutes there thinking.

She is damaging herself more and more in a lot of ways, all the while portraying a 'fighter' or a victim or whatever. I feel sad for that, because when malignant hope sets in, and it still does sometimes, I just get the feeling that I wouldn't want to be with her, not just for what she has done, not just for who this narcissistic damaged selfish arrogant, bipolar person she has become, but because of what she has done to herself, and also the lack of respect she shows for me, but then turns around and says things to me that normally someone would only say if they are deeply in love with you.

She's a living, breathing Jekyll and Hide, I really don't know her anymore, but I think this fragmented, disorded world she lives in was there all along, and was the basis for all her instability in our relationship, that constantly infected the world we lived in. I was her rock, and I'm starting to understand what she meant by that, I truly was, and I truly grounded her, even if it meant I repeatedly felt the shockwaves from stablising her mountain of issues.

One minute, to the next, a changing face, a changing person depending on her needs, her position and how she feels, or at least how she thinks she feels. Gaslighting when any type of topic comes up that clearly exposes her behaviour, whether it be lieing, manipulating, being intentionaly hurtful, or anything to do with our relationship. I know sometimes she sits and listens to me, and pretends she is accepting what I'm telling, but I know she is sitting there, completely disregarding everything, or placing the blame back on my, in her brain, me or anything or anyone else, except her. But I tell her anyway, sometimes, rarely, she listens.

She really put me on a pedastal last night, and I said to her because of what you've done I stopped believing these things, and she assured me that they were true. I think she was regretting some aspects of our relationship, namely sex.

But then she talked of me being her true love and she hopes to find that again some day. And what our babies would look like. She told me she was thinking this during the day. Of course I pieced together she was thinking this probably exactly 5 minutes after things went sour with this other guy and she stopped idealising him. Where does she go then? Back to me. I refuse to be her other choice, and I told her I will never get back together with her. She still believes she has me. I said you have to realise that although I still love you in some way, and I probably always will, I will never get back with you for a variety of reasons, self respect, her problems and the way she hurt me and the fact that to be blunt (I wasn't blunt with her) I could do better.

So where am I going wrong? Why am I thinking of her? She's making every mistake a young girl could make. She's hurt me, and most of them time she's a vile little child who lies, emotionally abuses and is so f**king arrogant she can't see the negative of her behaviour and won't accept she has done anything wrong. Why have I not walked away from her? It is becoming more clear to me that because of all these things, she is ultimately a ignorant chav, who learnt enough from me to pass as 'sweet clever girl' when she turns it on, but it's well versed behaviour to entrance people she wants to manipulate.

Why do I miss something I hate?

Why do I think of her?

Why do I entertain the romantic idea of getting back together with someone I once loved so dearly, who is now an utter cow that if I knew then what I know now I would run to the f**king hills away from?

Has my self worth hit that low?

I truly loved her, why has that now become such a burdon, she isn't worth my time and I should just let her get on with her sucky life with no prospects that she is eternally hitting the self destruct button with. I am keenly interested in her life, and it does hurt finding stuff out, especially as she is a child and throws stuff out that any adult with half a brain would know not to, either that or she's intentionally trying to hurt me at those times, but it does fill me with a sense of satisfaction seeing howty her life is and the people she is trying to latch on to (and subsequently how it wont work out). She is seeking damaged people, and even they won't take her for long. She actually said to me "I make people love me for a few weeks or a few months, nothing more than that", even though she tried her very best, she can't help but make the same mistakes over and over again. It's sad really, but she never had that with me, it was different, and now I know she said "you were different". And I'm becoming to realise that I am different, and we were different, because we were real, and with me, I was so awesome that I the BPD didn't have to come out and we just plain and simply fell in love. I am awesome. And with each subsequent failure of her idealisation targets, she is becoming to realise that and telling me things I knew all along. She is very predictable.

I Just wait for someone to come along as awesome as me, to share my life with, but I must be strong and not play up to to my BPD ex's bull. It is still a possibility to become enmeshed I think, and I won't go there.

She messaged me last around 6:30pm, I messaged her back telling her I was going swimming, her response at 7:30pm. "Stop messaging ffs".

She's been silence since, yep, I think so too, her 6th guy in on the cards. Very, very laughable but I bet you I'm right .

[AlwaysForgiving]

I am going through a very similar situation. My ex who I believe is BPD left me, got into a relationship, and when that ended, she came running to me.

Within two weeks, she told me she met someone else and it was getting serious. I went almost 3 months without hearing from here, but she contacted me a few days ago. She basically broke up with the guy, called my that day, and then got back with him the next day. I was discarded when I wasn't needed anymore both times.

But, yet I still love her and think about her all the time even though she is very damaging to me.

Oh, yeah... . when we were broken up, she would send me texts about us having sex or her needing someone to cuddle with when I was distancing myself from her.

So, hang in there, man.

[blueman54321]

The funny thing is when I let it to her that I knew she was bull****ting me about getting back together with me (to force me to split up with my lady friend that I made her believe she has succeeded). She instantly turned into some psycho, she said to me, ":)on't mess with a BPD".

I flat out told her that she didn't scare me one bit and that 'you're easy to beat'. Tho which she had no comeback.

She really does think her BPD gives her power, when in fact she's the most predictable person I've ever met, I can predict her behaviour and her relationships weeks or months in advance. Not to mention the fact that she glorifies her BPD (on the days she is willing to accept her diagnosis which she is at the moment). She glorifies it when in fact it ruins her as a person, it makes her non viable in relationships to everyone and severely damages her, week after week, month after month, decade after decade. And hurts and damages other people. Yet the irony is her disorder also makes her unable to see this, to feel it to it's extent and allows her to switch this off and convince herself of the latter.

She is her own worst enemy and to those around her.

[AlwaysForgiving]

Has she been diagnosed? Does she really think she has it? Or is she using the fact that you think she has it against you?

I have discovered how predictable my ex has become. I see her patterns and know what she is going to do before she does it.

[goodmann11]

Hi Blueman I have read you posts before mate and your situation and perception of it are exactly as I feel and almost to the letter what I have am experiencing.

I am 6 months out and with almost complete NC for 3 months. I have now deleted her contact details. This was after downloading whats app and her suddenly messaging me with WOW I know why you're on here. Her picture  haunted me she looked drawn mad somebody I didn't know. Tarted up with make up but I could see the scared and tormented little girl behind the painted smile. After a second message commenting on my pic I was drawn in like an idiot.

this gave her the chance to start the manipulation. Her status changed by the hour. Happy Need Love and attention feeling low (how BPD is that!)  You wouldn't want me as an enemy you mook... . Why do I feel like this tired... there are better ways to get hot and sweaty... . when you really want something but you know that you aint going to get it.

To be fair after a week of her changing status her informing me that she rebounded and then discarded this person once used and is now dating and having fun. I had seen enough to remind me and confirm what I already know. In fact how I coped and how she attempted to mask her true self for nearly 3 years is a miracle. I can only think that after she drove her car into my house after 6 months and lost her licence for 2 years sectioned etc she became hermit/waif and had to lay low for a while. So easier to cope with.

We texted for that week but she was only barely ok if I went along with all her bull___. As soon as I exposed her manipulative lying she projected blamed and insulted me.

She is a low life slut with no values and yet I think of her nearly all of the time... . why?       

[blueman54321]

I think the why may be something to do with being cut off, from something we perceive so strong. We can come to logical conclusions about it based on learning about their disorder, but emotionally, we are still confused as it bares no resemblance to how we feel/felt and how they made us think they felt, or did feel but turned off so quickly.

She has been diagnosed, she knew before she was even diagnosed. She's had BPD behaviour all her life and the pattern repeats itself, as it now.

Fundamentally, they are children, mimicing what they have learnt to entrap people they want to love or do love, their reasoning for wanting love is skewed and is based on childhood trauma and very big internal problem, like who they are and all the insecurities. They don't love in an adult way, and even if they can eventually, they still fear it and fear rejection and subconsciously destroy relationships in absurd hurtful ways.

Her instability goes far and beyond that and reaches into all parts of her life, if you don't know who you truly are, and seriously doubt your own self worth, then where exactly do you fit in? Then there's the impulse control problems that screwed up other adult parts of her life.

It just goes on and on an on, like a duracell bunny, they are lost people, but it's hard to have sympathy when they damage and have no remorse.

[blueman54321]

Another evening thinking about here randomly. Comes and goes, I guess it's loneliness. Had a bad day .

[peiper]

Im in the same situation your in my friend. In fact I wanted to call her last night, which wouldnt be a very good idea her having filed an RO against me. Hang in there bud.

[blueman54321]

It's best to just let them be and not interfere. Lets be honest, they will do what they want regardless anyway.

Move on and better yourself, if they ever run back to you realising what they destroyed and lost, you can decide then what to do, but really moving on means you probably won't want them back, unless they have truly changed, and for a BPD that is extremely extremely difficult.

There's going to be bad days, and good days, just have to accept that.

[blueman54321]

Sigh. Seems to be getting worse, I've had a bad week, maybe I'm just feeling needy or something.

[peiper]

Sounds like we are both in the same place. Im getting tired of it.

[blueman54321]

I honestly miss her, and if I'm really honest, I miss having sex also, I've committed myself to change and to do that means I got to be alone for a while, perhaps for a year.

But if I try hard I can think back to what being with her was like, the fog, the going nowhere fast, the lack of anything substantial, the deep depression. I was unhappy. But again, I loved her all the same, funny how someone can make you vastly unhappy, but you still love them, and even though you have parted ways, a big part of you wants that back. Wants them back, to live the glory days again and seal your history. But she hasn't changed, if anything, she has got worse, her life is definitely worse, and who she is definitely worse, of whom I know now. She is quite frankly a vile child now, and I've recently lost my cool when she contacted me and told her what I think of her, there's only so much ridiculous bulls**t you can take sometimes.

I am depressed right now, I have been all week. But that depression is born of frustration, frustration for a better future, I just want it now, but I have to wait.

I think when you have felt love so strong you miss loving a person, no matter how badly it turned out.

I guess we all need somebody to love.

Made me think of of Queen.

"

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Each morning I get up I die a little

Can barely stand on my feet

Take a look in the mirror and cry

Lord what you're doing to me

I have spent all my years in believing you

But I just can't get no relief,

Lord!

Somebody, somebody

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

"

[LostGhost]

How are you holding up blueman? I hope your doing as best as you can given the circumstances. My days also seem depressing recently. The pain comes in waves.

[blueman54321]

Well it was her Birthday. I had completely forgotten, I guess that's progress.

She told me she hasn't dealt with me a few days ago and had a breakdown on holiday. I couldn't care less to be honest. She's F**ked up and f**ked everything up.

She's alien to me now, don't know who she is but she says she cares about me. I don't know what game she's playing now, probably just lonely?

Should I text her happy birthday?

I don't know...

[LostGhost]

I never received a happy birthday from mine. Do you think she would do the same for you?

[blueman54321]

I never received a happy birthday from mine. Do you think she would do the same for you?

Considering she turned my life upside down on my birthday I doubt it.

I phoned her, she was worried I had forgotten, apparently she only got 2 cards... .diddums. Maybe if she wasn't so narcissistic and selfish she might have more friends.

She's turning into a hoe tbh, she's trying to find that warmth and love she lost by throwing herself into bed with guys, a mistake she has done before she met me (of which she lied about, but I always suspected but never pressed because I knew she had a troubled life and respected her decision not to tell me) and that she is ashamed of, basically she's damaging herself. Her life is a mess, she's unhappy and lost.

Do I care? I can honestly say I don't anymore. Not just because she has hurt me and been a complete tool since we broke up. But I just honestly don't give a monkies about her life anymore or what she does. I guess this happened at some point, maybe self protection or been busy or just had enough. Regardless everytime I hear about one of her dysfunctional affairs I lose a bit more respect for her and I guess I just don't respect her anymore, in fact she disgusts me. And I'm kind of disgusted I got involved with her, and didn't see through her lies and manipulation. I knew it was there, I just never pushed it.

She flat out told me she's crazy and unhappy and lost and I guess that's why she didn't want to see me, maybe she wants to keep our memories what they were, or maybe she just doesn't want me to see who she has become. Or maybe she doesn't want to give me the opportunity to unravel her bull___, which I wouldn't do anyway. If I was to see her now it wouldn't be to gloat, or anything, it would just be for closure, to say hi to someone I loved and spent half a decade with, to catch up, but we all know they won't allow that.

Regardless, if she were to see me now, I am almost 100% sure she would fall in love with me again and deeply regret what her scrambled mind did to us. She would break down. And I think she knows this.

I finished off our communication tonight by sending her some pics, of me, of what I have achieved with her out of my life, my body is looking fantastic from hitting the gym and being more healthy and active, something I lost with her due to depression. I have a fantastic job and money and good friends. She won't ever find what she's looking for, because she was right all along, I was her 'one', 'was' being the operative word. No matter how hard she looks, she is geared towards being used and abused and that's all she has accomplished up till now, even with my warnings she cannot help by walk into it, and she will probably end up where I found her, unwanted, ostricised and sleeping on someones couch.

One day, she will, look back, in fact I think she is even now, as no matter how hard I try she won't fully cut contact with me.

She needs me still, as a friend perhaps? as someone who she trusts? maybe even because she has unresolved feelings? I believe perhaps for a lot of reasons, that come and go to her like the changing on the tides.

She texted me last week asking about the girl I was seeing, and I asked, "Why do you care?" to which she replied "I care for you". A change of sentiment from previous weeks where she couldn't give a rats.

I'm fed up to be honest. I'm fed up of the push and pull, even in it's relative calmness over the last week, I'm just fed up of it, I'm fed up of her and I'm fed up of her predictable BPD behaviour.

She's lonely, she'd afraid, and she's running out of resources, yet she still succumbs to her self-damaging behaviour that she just has to let me know about.

Who's got time for that?

I told her I can't be her friend anymore. I know that's harsh on her birthday. But seriously, I can't, I won't be her friend, I can't be her friend due to our history. She doesn't know how to treat friends anyway. And she misses my company, she values my input, but that isn't my job anymore, she gave that up. That s**t isn't free anymore, and it's not for her and I won't help her with her problems when she keeps making them for herself.

She will never learn and this won't stop and if she wanted that, she shouldn't of gone crazy on my arse.

One day, if not already, she will regret everything she has done, she has gone backwards in epic proportions. Things I helped her resolve have been forgotten and flown out the window and she is this person again, this weird dysfunctional bipolar person who seeks distractions from her own feelings in others and is totally co-dependant emotionally, without someone to adorn, she is literally, a see through piece of glass. Transparant, characterless, apart from the occasional drift down impulsive behaviour lane, which seeks to damage her even more.

It's the end. For me, and thus, it's the end for her. And that is a sad end I wish on no one, and the wounds are on both sides, but inflicted exclusively be her.

I repeat because I'm so certain of it, I've been right about everything so far... .Like most of her life, she will regret everything.

What I have gained from this ordeal is true direction, clarity, perhaps this is true for everyone who has truly loved and lost, but I have more dedication and momentum in my life than ever before, I am literally running away from this bit of my life, and I will get off this road and lead a happier, more fullfilling life in due course, perhaps a year of two, but the ball is rolling, and the effects are clear already.

Don't let them take you down, use their negativity as a driving force for change, it's the only way and perhaps a gift we can take from them.

[LostGhost]

Your determination and conviction is inspiring to say the least. I'm not yet at the point where I find the strength to focus enough to run the other way. I'm keeping myself very busy and active but I'm feeling hollow, like drinking a constant flow of water but never feeling satiated. I think of her constantly, the good aspects with the bad. I often wonder what she is doing, what changes if any she has made in my absence. What mask does she now wear and who does she wear it for. I suppose if I knew the full truth of what she's been up to, I wouldn't spend so much time pondering. What she's doing right now would probably horrify and disgust me, testing the limits of my endurance and patience.

You've come a very long way blueman. You have found your path and are determined to follow it. Even without closure, I'm convinced you will not only survive but thrive. Hopefully one day both of our exes will feel regret for the choices they have made and the devastation left in their wake. I doubt they have the capacity for regret though.

[blueman54321]

Your determination and conviction is inspiring to say the least. I'm not yet at the point where I find the strength to focus enough to run the other way. I'm keeping myself very busy and active but I'm feeling hollow, like drinking a constant flow of water but never feeling satiated. I think of her constantly, the good aspects with the bad. I often wonder what she is doing, what changes if any she has made in my absence. What mask does she now wear and who does she wear it for. I suppose if I knew the full truth of what she's been up to, I wouldn't spend so much time pondering. What she's doing right now would probably horrify and disgust me, testing the limits of my endurance and patience.

You've come a very long way blueman. You have found your path and are determined to follow it. Even without closure, I'm convinced you will not only survive but thrive. Hopefully one day both of our exes will feel regret for the choices they have made and the devastation left in their wake. I doubt they have the capacity for regret though.

It's the only path we have, just keep going, do what you need to do, some people on here prefer to cut contact and not know, for me, it was the opposite, I had to know, because it helped me turn around all the negativity that was thrust onto me in the confusion they make (purposefully "fog", unravel it, and reverse it back to her. Our heart and minds are 2 very different entities and in these times they often disagree, but the cliche is true, time does heal this duality. Do what you feel you have to (within the confines of the law obviously) as sometimes we need to see the beast to fully believe it's uglyness. It will disgust, but maybe that's what you need? Or maybe not? Don't run from things just because they will be negative on you, negative emotions exist for a reason, we spend a lot of time running from them but they can often be just what you need, and can drive true change.

Conversely, this will probably draw things out far longer than needed, and it may be better for some to just drop it completely and get on with their lives, I'm no expert. But I do know that it takes time, and we don't know what we are doing, but following our hearts, and something inside of us works it out on our behalf.

I think I'm trying to say is, try not avoid things because you know it will have a negative outcome or make you feel worse or bring back feelings if it's something you have to do, otherwise it will eat you up all the same.

Despite everything, I found that I needed closure, no matter what, so I fought tooth and nail for it I swam through the toxic sludge she prepared for me and got what I could, and all the missing pages I made up for myself, and as it turned out, I hit right on the mark. Borderline behaviour is crazily predictable and very very consistent and has an overwhelming arch in the sufferers lives that unfortunately they just can't deviate from, they are blind to it, even if they know they have BPD they will make up another version in their mind, another timeline, a distorted 'take' on everything. In the end, it all came down to her disorder, her emotional maturity and abandonment fears, and the rest what followed (what nearly destroyed me) was due to her inability to be alone, her flaky sense of self and her latching onto others for self worth and existence, and as ever before, it isn't working out for her. I realise this is why I was her rock, I stabilised her from this, and I built her up, which isn't a bad thing, but it became at the expense of me, and myself for far too long.

She told me she's seeing someone who reminds her of me, I mean, there is so much to be said about that it's unbelievable, but I've said it all to her already, months ago, I've explained to her what she's doing, but in one ear out the other and it's all come true. All the while she has insisted on talking to me daily, I told her last night I wasn't her friend. I had to tell her again today. She blocked me, then unblocked me. And then asked me about how I was... .normally it's all about her, but she seems to need me at the moment, I could theorise a lot about this but's going to turn out to be some facet of borderline behaviour already beaten to death. It's tragic, and it's too late, and she knows it, but she still wants me, she wants my warmth, my security, my advice and she wants me enmeshed to some degree.

Keep busy, keep active, use this time productively for yourself, what else are you going to focus on anyway, and it all helps to build you up again from the mess they leave you in, it does make you feel hollow, they zap away our self-esteem, I'd even go as far to say that they steal us from ourselves, but only for a time, that cannot be sustained and eventually your heart and mind will agree that it's just not worth it and you will realise her or him for what they are, and who they really are. And they lose the ability to hold onto what you gave them, and ultimately they fall and break and fall and break and fall and break etc... .

I truly believe they always regret the ones they cared for, in a selfish way perhaps, but trust me, when they realise what they've lost, they do. But don't expect them to ever say it, but there are definite clues. They regret, because they never dealt with it, and they regret, because they made the mistake, and their distorted minds caused the hurt and the pain and the breakup of someone they ultimately loved too much to fear losing.

I have not completed my journey yet, I still have bad days a plenty, but I think I'm actually over the really bad period. I think when you realise how bad a influence on your life and your self worth they actually were, then you start to lose the rose tinted glasses and realise that in the end, they probably did you a favour at that point, and the longer you'd of spent with them, the worse it would of got.

We just need to do what we need to do for ourselves, give ourselves time and when we are ready, we shall give our hearts out once again, to someone who will cherish it. This is what differs between us and them.

[blueman54321]

She's been contacting me a lot lately.

She has a new love interest again. But has been contacting me all the time, giving me compliments and being real nice.

She wanted to meet me on Wednesday but I said no.

What is going on?

[blueman54321]

Quick overdue update:

She's been speaking to me a lot. She's got a new boyfriend who reminds her of me and has many similarities apparently.

She finds him boring though, and too intelligent/quiet and wants a man to be more dominant, but appreciates he might be good for her as he's very kind.

All the meanwhile she talks to me behind his back. She's been making requests from me and trying to find out information about my love life.

Anyway I decided this isn't good for me, I said I can't be her friend multiple times which she ignored but finally I got through to her, she didn't like it, she said she didn't want to lose me and that I was her best friend. That was yesterday and she's only tried to make contact once.

It was obvious what was going on, she wants me there to be her friend and her emotional support. I won't be relegated to that, and I won't be there for her anymore when she decided that she didn't need me anymore. Demoted to friend zone or held at bay because she think's I might be her fallback guy, after everything we've shared, no thanks, I have too much respect for that, and she's lost me now, all of me, which she is finding out is everything she wanted now, I was good for her, I stimulated her and despite my faults she recognises now it was largely her fault how things turned out and I made huge sacrifices for her and cheekily, that we were a good match in the bedroom too.

She's been throwing out compliments and making inquisitions you would expect only from someone who was interested in you and that's obviously to throw me off my game and try to see how I react I suspect and see if I'm still palpable, I have not budged, and perhaps because she knows my life has got infinitely better since she has left and is seeing things differently after she has thrown away our 5 year history and tried supposedly greener grasses which has only left her worse off than ever, emotionally, and financially, and now she is with a guy who reminds her of me, to replace me, but she isn't happy and thus is trying to engage me all the time, having her cake and eating it too. But she is starting to understand everything I have told her all along which is the start of a long road of personal self help if she takes what I said to heart and takes my advice I left her with.

She's not happy and admits she has nothing going for her and her life is a mess, which is growth in a self acknowledgement sort of way, I gave her some advice and told her I cannot be her friend anymore, she didn't understand but I roughly explained why.

I had a little cry as I sat below the night sky, really just because I did love her and I know I'll never see her again now, but that is my choice now, and the better one, I cried because I knew it was an end, and I know it went badly and could of been better, and I cried because of the lost promises, and the broken dreams. But most of all it is because even if she wanted to get back together and came out with it, and I too, it would never happen because of the mistrust that sorrounds her now, and the self respect I have because I wouldn't go back to someone like that, even though it is a disability of sorts. I will never see her again, someone I loved and cherished for half a century, someone I cared deeply about, someone I loved and for a time, wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Someone I thought was the one, and her too. But also someone who is emotionally damaged and hurt me, with seemed relish, so painfully and easily.

Like 2 distant stars burning in space, we may see each other from afar but our paths will likely never cross again.

She was my first love, and I thought my only. Now I wait to see what the future holds.

[node4]

Blueman how many months of NC are you at currently? I appreciate your insight, as I see things very similarly as you do.

8 months out.

[LostGhost]

That choked me up blueman. Very poetic and very powerful. I'm proud of all that you've accomplished in your journey. I hope you're staying strong my friend. Perhaps one day I will arrive at the same conclusion as you and be able to overcome my addiction.

[blueman54321]

Yeah I am, still no contact, no Facebook looking or anything. I think about her sometimes. I still get sad sometimes when she pops into my head, like tonight I had a long drive home and I wondered what she was doing, or whether she thinks about me. The answers not important though, the fact I think of these things is enough to validate that what I had was real, and will stay with me in some way, perhaps forever. But I was unhappy with her, she isn't ready for a relationship and that will follow her around her life until she decides to get help, from one dysfunctional roller-coaster of a relationship to another. She doesn't know what she wants, where she's heading or what to do with herself and she will do as she always has, and try to build herself out of her partners, and of course I miss her but to be frank I see now she will never change and her relationships will always be rocky, crazy and ultimately doomed unless the other guy is equally as disturbed or a glutton for punishment. That's not me.

It's all too easy to remember the good times, oddly enough, and easy to forget the bad times, that's the way the mind works, we look back with sentimental thoughts, but when I try, I easily remember the overwhelming negativity of the last few years, the waking up every morning feeling completely lost, depressed and unhappy and not knowing why in particular, and then from that the specifics come into play, the specific hurtful or confusing things, the mindf**ks, I try to balance the good things she did for me with the bad things, the emotional / physical abuse in whatever form for balance.

Underneath that incredible dysfunction there is a lovely lady imprisoned by her own devices, it's just a shame that person may never get a chance to shine and stand on her own two feet.

I could love her again, I'm sure of that, but that ship has sailed and what matters now... .is me. Whatever she is up to is none of my concern, and probably following the same pattern that it has always done for her.

She is a lost soul, and I feel protective over her still, but I'll never know what she is up to and that's for the best.

I'm a better person now, without her, without her struggles and her constant negativity on my life that I gave up too much for.

As you can see and know yourselves the breakup, just as it is in a relationship with a BPD is paradoxical and confusing, and tough on the mind and soul. All I know is I'll always love her in a way, and I'll miss her, but I'll probably never see her again and that's just the way it has to be. Strangely I think she feels this way too, one of the last things she said to me before no contact and her instantly hating me was a quote.

"If there ever

comes a day,

when we can't

be together,

keep me

in your heart,

I'll stay there

forever."

Whether she truly understands this notion or not I don't know, she may just have been trying to enmesh me as usual, but she will always have a place in my heart, even if she is incapable of the same, and that is exactly the point, reciprocation. A relationship with a BPD is ultimately, a one way affair, with both parties believing the same lie.