Mirroring is scaring me the most

[zenwexler]

So I went on another date. I thought it was going to go well but it didn't. Naturally it made me think about my ex. And how our first date it was like literally love at first site. Then I had a very very scary realization.

I fell in love with my ex right away because of her disorder. Because she mirrored me. My first date with her was filled with such energy and excitement it was intoxicating. I remember I texted my friend and was like oh my god. I can't believe this is happening. Of course her true colors quickly showed through. Smoke snd mirrors only last for so long.

On my first date with her I was the greatest most amazing person in her eyes. And everything I loved and cared about she did too. It was like a found my actual soulmate. It really is scary that this is all part of the show. That one of my best moments with my ex wasn't even truly real. It's makes me sad but in a way it also comforts me. Because if that girl that I fell for actually existed in her that I really would be heartbroken. But it's all an act. A show. Smoke and mirrors. And magic show we all desperately want to believe is finally real but deep down inside we know it's just another trick.

[LettingGo14]

zen -- the first step is always awareness.  We can start by working with what we have.  Even absent our experiences, first dates tend to be hit or miss anyway.   I wouldn't read too much into it.   You can feel the fear, and work with it.   And keep moving forward.    More and more, I think this is true:  it's not what happens to us, it's how we meet it.   

[zenwexler]

Its not so much that I'm overthinking it it was just a scary realization that so much of why I liked my ex initially was because of her mirroring. And that almost immediately after our first date it was chaos from that point on.

[kfifd196]

Wow Zen!  When I read what you wrote, I thought I might have written it!  It is EXACTLY how I felt on my 1st date with my BPD... . Mine followed the "script" to a tee, of what a BPD does.  I've noticed a lot of our BPD's use the same sentences or "lines" at different times with us, as if they had a playbook, that they rehearse from!  It is eerie how similar they are. 

It is so painful, looking back at the "GREAT" times we had... . it was like a dream and it was awesome!  I too felt like I met my soulmate and called my best friend on my way home from the date, to tell them "THIS IS THE GIRL I'M GOING TO MARRY... . THE ONE!"... .   And... .it wasn't long before her BPD showed up, in fact it was ONLY a day later, that she "broke it off" with me, because I didn't text her back quick enough and she thought I was 'up to something'... . Then, she apologized and confessed about her trust issues... . a few days later it happened again, but being understanding, I stood by her and let it slide... . It's amazing how insecure she was.  Looking back, It's amazing how many times, she exhibited classic BPD Behavior.  We're almost done divorcing, but I wish and pray to God, she will changer her mind and snap out of it, but that's unrealistic

[letmeout]

We're almost done divorcing, but I wish and pray to God, she will changer her mind and snap out of it, but that's unrealistic

I often wondered if mine would have 'snapped out of it' if I could handle continuing to live with a 'fake' person. Because that is exactly what my ex was; all lies, all pretend, all back-stabbing, all up-to-no-good all the time. Did I really deserve to have that for a partner? Would you deserve that? Does anyone deserve that?

[Ihope2]

Thank you Zenwexler, you raise an interesting point about the energy, intensity and excitement associated with meeting a person with BPD.

It was the same instant and intense attraction for me upon meeting my exBPDh for the first time. I was beside myself with intense fascination about this man and my thoughts revolved around him all day and all week.  I was so overwhelmed by my own emotions that I could not go about my usual routines and my system was completely wound up.  I could not even sleep at night.

Now after the chaos and drama and pain of the past year, and in the wake of our divorce, I am left picking up the pieces and examining myself.

I attach very quickly to intense people, I feel an affinity for such people and all people who have gone through much drama and pain in their lives.

I have a predisposition for "trauma bonding" - being attracted to and staying loyal to people who pose a danger to me and are not safe for me to associate with.

This is all linked to my childhood wounds and my dysfunctional emotionally neglectful family of origin dynamics.

Feeling this instant and intense "out of the blue" attraction for a stranger has become my most important red flag which I will have to watch out for as I go forward in my life from here on out... . !