Flashbacks

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Do any of you guys get flashbacks about things you totally forgot about, and now you see those events with much more clarity even though it hurts to feel what you felt in the moment?

Today, while making chicken soup, I remembered one of the male friends my wife (at the time) had.  She would always surround herself with male friends, no matter how much I protested, and I was always the jealous, controlling jerk -in spite of the fact that she had already cheated on me multiple times and was obviously an attention whore, loved to have many "friends" wrapped around her.

Of course, many of them were... . well lets just say not her type.  Anyway, one friend she worked with came over one day looking for her.  I had met him a few times before, and I was cordial.  Anyway, my wife was sleeping (as usual) even though it was like 5pm.  He was coming by to say hello, but I had to tell him that she was basically unconscious and didn't want to be bothered.  He chatted with me for a few minutes, and I remember the story he told me because it was eerie. 

Aside from some small talk, he told me the story of a "friend" of his who had this girlfriend who kept cheating on him over and over and it was sad because this "friend" of his just wouldn't "get it."  I remember thinking, "This guy does not even know me.  Why is he telling me this?"  And I had this sense that he was basically warning me -i.e. the "friend" he was talking about was ME and the "girlfriend" was my wife.

Anyway, I remembered that today, and it actually made me think that is probably exactly what he was doing, in the most subtle way he could think of tipping me off.  He worked with her and talked to her privately, so I'm sure he saw and knows things that I may never know.  There are probably other men, and other incidents, that I will never know about.  *sigh*  God, I'm so glad I'm no longer with that hellacious, soul-destroying woman.  But man, it hurts to remember that and think of all the OTHER things she did that I don't know about.

[OutOfEgypt]

Do any of you guys get flashbacks about things you totally forgot about, and now you see those events with much more clarity even though it hurts to feel what you felt in the moment?

Today, while making chicken soup, I remembered one of the male friends my wife (at the time) had.  She would always surround herself with male friends, no matter how much I protested, and I was always the jealous, controlling jerk -in spite of the fact that she had already cheated on me multiple times and was obviously an attention whore, loved to have many "friends" wrapped around her.

Of course, many of them were... . well lets just say not her type.  Anyway, one friend she worked with came over one day looking for her.  I had met him a few times before, and I was cordial.  Anyway, my wife was sleeping (as usual) even though it was like 5pm.  He was coming by to say hello, but I had to tell him that she was basically unconscious and didn't want to be bothered.  He chatted with me for a few minutes, and I remember the story he told me because it was eerie. 

Aside from some small talk, he told me the story of a "friend" of his who had this girlfriend who kept cheating on him over and over and it was sad because this "friend" of his just wouldn't "get it."  I remember thinking, "This guy does not even know me.  Why is he telling me this?"  And I had this sense that he was basically warning me -i.e. the "friend" he was talking about was ME and the "girlfriend" was my wife.

Anyway, I remembered that today, and it actually made me think that is probably exactly what he was doing, in the most subtle way he could think of tipping me off.  He worked with her and talked to her privately, so I'm sure he saw and knows things that I may never know.  There are probably other men, and other incidents, that I will never know about.  *sigh*  God, I'm so glad I'm no longer with that hellacious, soul-destroying woman.  But man, it hurts to remember that and think of all the OTHER things she did that I don't know about.

[Red Sky]

Oh OOE, I'm sorry to hear you're having this experience! You are basically describing my life. I have so many memories that i have repressed or just forgotten about, and I don't know how I could have forgotten these things... . This is my best example.

Our second breakup. He was rude and condescending to me in front of friends. It was embarrassing and I think that dumping him was a pretty normal, reasonable reaction. It was a big red flag. But it was one I'd probably forgotten about entirely within a few months. We got back together, history overwrote itself, etc.

In the last month or so I have read a lot of lists on... . What are NPD behaviors? What are abusive behaviors? And with each thing I read, I seem to uncover another memory. For a long time I have been able to admit that my relationship was, well, not very nice. But I would have said 'he was never a violent person.'

I remember two years on from the above breakup, when he hit me in the face in front of those same friends. I had LITERALLY NO MEMORY of this before. I can now remember being shocked, but laughing at him so that I didn't seem embarrassed. Actually like a gdmf Punch and Judy show. I thought, 'his terrible.but am I really going to paint my entire relationship black because of one time he didn't hit me that hard?' Then... . I remembered six months prior to that incident, when he did the exact same thing in front of different people and I reacted in the exact same way. In other words I forgot the abusive behavior the first time round and then he repeated the behavior later.

Why? I have a few ideas.

1. The typical idea regarding repression is that you repress traumatic events, right? Well whilst the stuff I have forgotten is traumatic, there was no situation where I experienced actual FEAR. Still, it was not fun stuff.

2. The recycling meant that the negative phase was continuously being overwritten by the next positive phase. I honestly can't remember what I thought of such incidents at the time, but if I was worried, I guess I forgave and forgot.

3. I subconsciously only remembered things which fitted the narrative which I wanted to have. The narrative where we may have fought a lot but we treated each other as equals, where I took the fighting because I was secure in the knowledge that we loved each other really.

4. My baseline of what is normal changed so much that I don't think I noticed a lot of the insults and such any more... . Occasionally another one pops into my head though and I cringe at the thought that I didn't say 'get lost you [string of obscenities of your choice]'

But yes... . Like you I also have a few 'flashback' moments to the words of friends and family. My exbf's best friend was always really nice to me, even though I knew he heard all he smack that my ex talked about me... . why didn't I pay attention to the fact that this guy (who is very nice and well-grounded) didn't trust his own friend's judgement... . ?