Just need to vent. Sorry in advance

[enlighten me]

As we all do Ive been going over things that have been said and done.

I have come to the realisation that my ex did cheat on me which is one of my major no no's. It is a deal breaker and there is no going back from it.

We had been trying for a baby and my ex fell pregnant. Unfortunately while I was overseas working she had a miscarriage.

A short time later she went to a festival and her and her mate met a group of guys. She told me after the festival that one of them had crashed at hers but nothing had happened. I had a go at her as I felt it was stupid to invite a stranger back to hers as he could have taken advantage of the situation. She came back with if anything like that had happened it would be her fault and she was responsible for her own mistkes.

When I got home we discussed the miscarriage and we also discussed fidelity. She asked if there was any reason that I could forgive an infidelity. I said no. She said what about after the miscarriage? What if she had just taken someone back and Fd their brains out to relieve the pain. I said that would be a huge insult as you would rather do that to a stranger and not even try and talk about it with me. I asked her if that was what had happened and she said no. It has crossed her mind but she would never do that. She said I should know her better than that.

I now realise that it probably did happen. Her best mate who was with her had a major bust up with her partner about what went on that weekend and I realise that there was probably more to it than I was told.

Even though its over between us I cant help drawing myself back in. I just want to shake her and scream at her and get the truth about everything but I know it wont work. Why do we have dwell on these things why cant we have the switch in our heads aswell that just shuts the past off. I had come to terms with things but every now and again this will happen.

[Blimblam]

If you can just let this go and move on you are lucky.  I made the mistake of "forgiving," HUGE MISTAKE.  They basically give you two choices break it off and let go or cling and let them destroy you.  Any further contact at this point will lead down a path of complete annihilation,  of who ever you believe(d) yourself to be, if you continue to have faith in the "fantasy" that was your relationship if indeed she is BPD.  They have the ability to break you down at the foundation of your being and any inner demons you have will be unleashed to wreak havoc on your mind.  The level of torment you can let them bring yourself to can be a living hell of which one can not even fathom until in the midst of it.

I once had  cavity so bad I had an exposed nerve, I accidently poked the nerve with a sort of metal toothpick. The pain was so intense I curled up into the fetal position in agony. The pain was excruciating.  The severity of the pain subsided and I was left with a permanent dull pain until I got the tooth removed.  That pain pails in comparison to this experience. There is a point in you that the cohesion of reality is based upon your very foundation at your inner most core.  Through torture and brainwashing tactics that can be broken.  If you let them a BPD person can take you to that point and beyond.  Where even being snuffed out would seem like a kindness.

Hell hath no furry like a womans scorn.

[enlighten me]

Thanks Blimblam

I am more angry at myself than her. My ex wife cheated on me but she covered it well. Even so I still got that feeling something was up. It was only after we split up that her mum told me the extent of it that I realised the little nagging doubts were valid.

As with the ex girlfriend Ive had a couple of occasions where I have felt the same but either convinced myself that I was imagining it or thought it was just an echo of my past relationship and should be ignored.

As for does the ex gf have BPD I don't know but the mood swings, the talk of abandonment, panic attacks, projecting, large history of sexual partners, failed relationships, splitting, false memories need I go on. All point to BPD.

[Skip]

It's a very sad story - all around.

[trappedinlove]

She said what about after the miscarriage? What if she had just taken someone back and Fd their brains out to relieve the pain.

I now realise that it probably did happen.

Sadly, that is very typical to using sex as a soothing "substance".

My exso told me that in the past she had frequently done this to numb the internal pain.  Similar in a way to cutting.

FWIW, she told me how she would feel nothing emotionally to the sex partner and just doing the mechanical act of sex. Been in a dissociative state remembering very little of it afterworth and feeling like cr@p 

Why do we have dwell on these things why cant we have the switch in our heads as well that just shuts the past off.

It is "normal" to be this way.

In my ex's case I believe that her incredible dissociative ability to shut the past off is an emotional survival mechanism she developed to cope with childhood abuse and rape and the resulting C-PTSD, from what I know and can tell (and I'm not a mental health professional, though I consulted a lot with one about this).

Lucky for us, we didn't have to develop such a radical defence mechanism.

TIL

[enlighten me]

Hi TIL

Thanks for the reply. As I said I needed to get that off of my chest as it helps to get it out there.

I suppose its a bit like what projecting is about with a BPD. Scary thought!

Feeling much better about it now though. I just have to keep reminding myself that it may not be the norm for us but for her there's nothing in the rule book about it.

[free-n-clear]

I just have to keep reminding myself that it may not be the norm for us but for her there's nothing in the rule book about it.

   Rule book? pwBPD have a rule book?