We recycled for about 8 weeks

[mitchell16]

most here know my history with my BPDgf. Its been 3 years of hell. I have been away from the boards for while,  but Im back. After being broke up with mine for 8 months we recycled for about 8 weeks. During the 8 months life was good. I didnt date, I worked on my life, took a second job to dig myself out of my fincial hole that I allowed myself to get in while with my BPDgf. I was able to do that and actuly start saving some money. During the break up she would text me about every 3 or 4 weeks, I could almost set my watch by it. Sometimes I ignored sometime I responded with a little short responce. But she was able to finally lure me back in. Oh she made the promises of change, she had worked on herself for 8 months, she seen how she was the fault in the break up of the relationship, she was in church now etc... . Dont believe them. we got back together, great for about 3 or 4 weeks. Then it started. She started drinking heavier and heavier. each time she got drunk her behavior started getting out of control. Then the lying started again. I caught her in some lies and I walked again. I told myself when I got back in it that the deal breaker would be lies. I had to stay true to myself this time. The first few years I didnt. I had no bounderies at all. I forgave all of her behaviors and it just got worse. This time I walked. she tried to beg me back, which really pulled on my heart strings but when I stuck to my guns. The old wicked person came out and thats when she painted me black, according to her I was the most meanest, uncaring, rigid person she ever met and she was DONE! of course we had already been broke up so im not sure how she was done. But I guess the moral of my story is dont believe them, they cant and wont change. I good with it all, I knew deep down it was gonna happen, but I had to stick my finger in the electrical plug one more time I guess. Im just glad I didnt marry her, becasue she was pushing hard for it this time, like every week. that im thankful for. For those wishing for a recycle. I have been there where deep down I wanted it and every time I got it just to regret it. They willl call or text but it wont be cause they love you, it will be to fill a void or a need and it will always end the same. I was warned and I couldnt listen, wished I had, it would have saved me 3 years of misrey.

[enlighten me]

Hi Mitchel

Its been about 6 weeks since I told my ex I was leaving and 3 weeks since I moved out. I have been NC for a week now. We have a son who is 13 months old so I have to contact her to find out anything about him.

Because of my son I have stayed friends with her on facebook. I find it funny now how much she posts. They range from Ive just had the best weekend ever to rubbish adverts that have no meaning. I realise that it is a form of attention seeking and do wonder if she is just waiting for me to click like and affirm to her that I am paying attention.

I live in fear of a day where she might beg me to take her back as I don't know which way I would jump. Posts like yours help. They are a constant reminder that when it comes to our exs we live in a dream land. We cant change them and they got to us that well that our hearts will always try to over rule our brains.

Once again thank you for reminding us to stay strong and listen to our heads and not our hearts.

[patientandclear]

Hey Mitchell--thanks for sharing this story, and I'm sorry your hopes were disappointed despite all that was said.

What was it that she said about how she'd changed? She is a therapist if I recall, right? Did she say she'd done particular work re attachment or r/ship issues? Did she speak to the lying you've experienced? Just wondering what made the impact on you to persuade you to start again.

And what was the lying about that causes your exit?

Hugs.

[Inside]

Mitchell16,

It’s been some time since I’ve visited the L3 zone, but sometimes a refresher’s necessary, or at least helpful.  ‘We’d’ have had our 4th year ‘anniversary’ by now, as is, it’s was 3.5 years ‘off & on’ and now 7 months NC.  So, your post both scared and grabbed me – you reconnected after 8 months!  

Generally ashamed, I totaled seven recycles during that 3.5 year period, with the longest split being 3 months apart.  Having met through a group of mutual friends, it was near impossible to avoid her.  One time I walked nearly a mile from a gathering to keep her from getting to me.  Other times, after a couple beers, I simply sat down next to her and we took off from there…

I know many of us could nearly write each other’s experiences, and again, you well described ‘mine’ ~   But with each re-connect, it lasted a bit less.  It’s like (I too) knew it wouldn’t/ couldn’t.  And it didn’t.  Mine has sent me a couple e-mail ‘links’ she suspected would interest me, but I never bit.  And, I reminded her she still owes me money…  But fortunately, that’s been it.  But the main way I could stay apart this long is having stopped attending the weekly meet-ups with my friends.  So, she basically cut me off from my friends … though she’d already been doing that with a one by one process.

Dont believe them.

That sums it up.  Mine had been seeing a therapist, but all I heard where my uBPDxgf’s interpretations of what had been said, and I didn’t trust her.  I’d let her know after a prior re-connect that I highly suspected BPD, and though that was met with instant hostility, she did seek some counseling.  It’s strange how she began to ask my opinion about her thoughts and fears, having denied them earlier.  And though I appreciated hearing them and having an opportunity to ‘help her,’ she was simply all over the place emotionally …and without attempting to ‘hide her BPD’ (though never admitting to it), she just let her emotions fly!  Apparently, because I ‘now knew,’ I was then expected to accept whatever behavior she exhibited.  As though, ‘you think I’m crazy, so here I am.’  

It became obvious to me, especially with her being far more open (both of us admitting our r/s had little to lose), that she hadn’t the ability nor the intent to curb her excessive and impulsive ways.  In fact, our r/s had morphed into a situation in which I apparently became her surrogate Dad.  :)eceased just prior to our having met (hummmm) …he had apparently been her enabler for many years… fixing her messes, protecting, then paying for her mistakes.  So, instead of her and I having a wildly wonderful r/s, as in the beginning, I’d become the one who reeled her in …maintaining her car, her house, her yard, her finances.  I’d become the guy who was there for her boys, her mom, and to ‘show off’ to her friends …as she apparently felt free to do her wild stuff with others – I’d become her Dad

This time I walked.

Me too - literally, walking out after an invite to bed at her place on a Saturday night.  Guess I did abandon her!  I was prepared to ‘discuss’ my feelings at the time, because they confused me, too.  But she couldn’t (or wouldn’t), nor after a long, open and detailed e-mail to her … she just went silent, apparently attempting to ‘dump me.’  I’ve remained active on the forum, which is helpful, but am still digesting what I’d been through with her.  

Im just glad I didnt marry her, becasue she was pushing hard for it this time, like every week. that im thankful for.

Me, too!  Mine felt her stature among friends was diminished because she wasn’t married.  And, if I had no intensions of marrying her, I must be convinced she was unsalvageable.  But, I’d been married for nearly 30 years – I’m not sure if hers had lasted 3 months…  They are beyond a poor investment; they are a waste of time and resources.  I’m still suffering with the repercussions of having wasted time with her.  And those repercussions are currently keeping me from seeking another r/s.  I’ve no idea ‘who’ she’s with… who’s Daddy now    But reading the ‘shared experiences’ of someone like yourself helps remind me I’m not alone.  I may still be singing the Blues, and of course missing the good times, but I believe you – not her!  What a trip ~

[SOOOdone]

LOL Inside, no need to feel shame about recycling. I can't even count how many recycles at this point as every time he stormed out and got a prostitute was a form of leaving.

I've seen this whole thing as a disease that has to run its course.

If I had cut it off for good I don't know how far along I'd be anymore than where I am at now.

At THIS point, when I could care less about him than a bad politician, I am not in pain about the loss of his presence in the least. I would go back hesitantly thinking "this is probably a bad idea", then getting mad at myself for being needy. It was a process I had to lose my shame over and finally get in touch with what it was I felt so deprived of without him.  During this process I was building a new life for myself and having healthier bonds form in my life, so eventually he came up short even on his best days.

So for me, I needed to learn  some things and create a fuller life for myself before I was able to extract myself from the insanity of BPD living. Over time I also redefined what I consider what love is, and also realized it doesn't matter much how a person feels about you if they are out of control. When my ex-BPD vowed for the 100th time to get back into therapy I quipped... . "So maybe by the time I'm sixty, we can have a REAL relationship... . ?" and I think the reality of what I said hit both of us at once. I was done.

[mitchell16]

she is a therapist. Her changes was that she knew that her issues where causeing all the problems. She said she had worked on her self issues, started church etc... but none of it was true. Our major problem on our relationship was her lying which led me to believe she was or had cheated on me. I never proved it. On one occasion she wsa suppsoed to be working out of town the truth as i found out was she was out in a bar, getting drunk and coming home with another man texting her that she had gave her number to. This time we got back togther, it was great for 6 weeks of so. Then once again she was suppsoed to be working over time and I found then she was again in a bar getting drunk and parting for several hours instead of working. So I decided I was done. I had already been down that road.

[LettingGo14]

So I decided I was done. I had already been down that road.

Thank you for sharing your story mitchell16.  How are you feeling this time?  Is there anything different vs. 8 months ago? Is it easier or harder?

[mitchell16]

its whole lot easier this time. Im sad and at times im lonely for her. But not like i was the first break ups before the 8 month break up. I think during the 8 months I was able to really see her for her real self. i was able to seperate what really happened and not her brain washing versions of it. This time when I went back Iwas still a little reserved and kind a knew it was gonna happen. So i guess I never let myself reach the level of commitment that I had. While we were apart I started working a extra job, I started working on my finances, I started cutting back my spending. when we recycled I maintain all of this I didnt give any of it up. in the past I would have been devastated. This time I really just took it in stride and continued to live my life. prior to the 8 month break up I would have never worked a second job cause I wouldnt have wnated to be away from her, cause she would have either used it against me or wouldhave been makingteh party circuit. This time I was going to do what was best for me. I told her if she started acting in ways I didnt agree I wasnt goingto argue, beg or hope she was gonna change it , I was just going to leave the relationship.

My state of mind is excellent this time. I have planned a vacation and Im taking it. I have paid off alot of debit that was not her fault, it was mine but being  in that relationship caused me to live above my means which is not like me at all. I never had to buy her stuff or pay her bills BUt she liked to party all the time, take trips all the time. and that cost money. I was very happy without her during the 8 months, I slept well, ate well, made friends. Once she was back, it was drama city. she was inlvolved in some sort of drama everyday which became problem either for me  to fix or hear about. I was got so tired of hearing about who didnt like her at work, who was jealous of her, which man wanted her, all of her friends problems became her problems which then became my problem.

[Inside]

Mitchell16,

I can so relate to your description of where you’re at now, and how little things had changed…  You even sleep better - yes!  I know I’d change between shove-offs, but my uBPDxgf didn’t.  The only thing that ‘changed’ with her was the way she related to me.  And when she realized I was no longer falling for her waif ways or petty drama, it seemed as though she got bored.  No doubt it’s more exciting forever recounting supposed abuse to ‘a new guy’ than to move ahead in a responsible way with the one you’ve got.

They just don’t change, and from 95% of what I’ve read – CAN’T CHANGE.  They will take this behavior to the grave.  So let’s not let them take us too!  Each time I allowed myself to recycle I feared less suffering through what I had before, and I didn’t.  She actually got to watch me become more confident, which actually appeared to scare the crap out of her  It’s like the ‘control’ shifted.  But, as mentioned, with that ‘control,’ where I remained responsible (as you did) – I also fell into the enabler role for her reckless behavior.  No thanks.  So, in a way, all that recycling worked.  Or, it simply took me to the place other’s had advised me to go in the first place.  

Thinking back, when your friends, co-workers, family and own children are telling you to “Get rid of her!” … maybe a person should listen     Many of them had given up on me, and I can’t blame them turning away whenever a conversation led to ‘her.’  I think one of my daughters summed it up best, “That’s middle school stuff!”  Well ... . guess I got to experience some ‘middle school romance,’ cuz I didn’t have much of that back in the day!  But just think – our BPDex’s are forever stuck in middle school …jumping from ‘boy to boy’ while badmouthing friends…  We’ve graduated!    

I’m sure we've all found something about them worth loving… but tragically, it’s nothing that can/ could be built upon.  We watch them do their best, then self-destruct.  We try to help, but in the process become despised for our ability to help.  And in the end, whether they shove us off or we willingly leave, they will be abandoned…  

We must have come away with something positive, but it’s hard to find it amid the heartbreak and devastation.  Hey – we found this place!  And, we realize we’ve the ability to ‘do hard,’ to give to another and survive a storm.  We are no doubt stronger.  And, when ‘she’ (the right she) comes along – lucky her

[Inside]

SOOdone,

I've seen this whole thing as a disease that has to run its course.

Laughing myself  … I’ve never seen it described like that.  And, I sure hope we’ve built up an immunity

I’d spent a lot of time around here, comparing notes and being given the best of advice, as in – Run!  So I’d not post for months over the guilt of having returned to her.  But she’d always fix that --she’d shove me away so I’d be free to come limping back here for support …again… and again…  

Eventually, I simply knew the drill: reconnect, catch up, stabilize her, watch her push the envelope, be used, slow down, get shoved away and ignored... .  I did have a ‘normal woman’ I’d pal around with in between, never quite making it to bed, though moving at a sustainable adult pace.  She was fun, and a relief to be around in comparison … but after watching me return at least twice to the uBPD… she’d had it with me.  

The weird thing was how much I actually loved the BPDgf, not just the fun stuff, but the sober her.  Though she didn’t value that side of herself, I did.  But it was the realization that the safer she felt, the further and harder she pushed to get beyond my reach.  So the only way to ‘stay close’ was to keep a constant gap between us.  And as appears common, my gap generally excluded finding ‘a replacement,’ where as that appeared a constant pursuit of hers.  Unhealthy and unsustainable.  …I just reached a point where I expected nothing.  

She’d once suggested we become ‘F Buddies’ …and though I’ve still got friends ribbing me for letting that offer go… I wanted more.  Then I realized near the end, that’s exactly what I’d become – and yes, I still wanted more.  It’s weird to be viewed as ‘nuts’ for wanting a long-term lasting and loving r/s ... . as I'm constantly told what a ‘great position I’m in’ by most guys.  Yes, they’ve stale marriages, and can’t figure why I’d go anywhere near the same … but if one wasn’t moving at the speed of light, as in a BPD affair, there could be a couple of good decades!    

…or, I may no longer care myself… and instead of taking on a second job, I actually resigned from the one I had …am liquidating ‘the farm’ and looking to move on.  Where – I’ve no idea ~  Enviable?  At times, I suspect …but lonesome as well.

[SOOOdone]

It seems very much the same as the abuse cycle that battered women go through. And the average number of breakups for that population is around 7, I'm told.

The abuse cycle consists basically of phases that include the Honeymoon Period, Stable period, Tension period, Abuse, "Remorse" (I'm putting "remorse" in quotations) and Frantic reattachment. Rinse, Dry, Repeat. I don't see any difference with BPD relationships.

What allows the abused woman to stay clear finally is that she had been building up her reserves, friends, support, finances, etc. in order to feel less dependent on the abuser. Essentially, she had to work on her self-esteem. That and her "love" for the abuser may have faded as she got healthier and redefined love for herself.

I feel sad sometimes but no so much about the loss of my ex but more that he couldn't change. Dealing and accepting that reality was the hardest part... .

[mitchell16]

SOOdone, you are correct. I man and I never understood the women staying in a abusive relationship. I told a freind just that very thing that once in my life I understood. Physically she could not abuse me and that would have been easy to spot. If she had ever struck me I would have walked away from her cause I knew that was abuse I could see that abuse. But this was so much diffrent. The idealization phase was very intense and it followed after I just went through a divorce and my self esteem was very low. I had just got over a battle for my life with a deadly diease, as soon as that was over my wife of almost 16 years decided she wanted a divorce. Then walks in this beutiful women who was prasing everything I did. I could do no wrong, I was best man she had ever met, I was perfect, she never had a man treat her so good, I was the type of man she prayed for. It was very intoxicating. Then she would explode with sarcasm and I couldnt do anything right. Everything I did was wrong, from, how I spoke to I didnt care enough about her. A push away, then she would pursue me again, honeymoon phase all over again, I couldnt do anything wrong , then it would start all over again. Like I said Brain washed.

next thing you know you are a slave and trapped in a relationship that you cant seem to break away from. Thats how it happened to me. my self estem and happiness all depended on her, so I thought. But im at a point now and I had got to that point during the 8 month split that I relized what she was doing. Im still not sure why i gave her another chance after being out of it 8 months. Maybe I wanted to see, I knew I loved her and  I really wanted to beleive that she might have changed. But was I wrong. she really played it good for a few weeks but the cracks started showing once again. the cracks was always there I just couldnt see them in the begining but after being on these boards and reading some books I saw all the cracks this time. I was not going to ignore the red flags again. did that once before and lost big time.

[Inside]

Emotional abuse for sure.  And no, never thought I’d allow myself to be on the receiving end of that.  And just as it played out in grade school, we guys simply beating the crap out of each other, as opposed to the girls back-stabbing their ‘frenemies’ … then neither of us seeming to understand what we’d gotten into with the other.

Yes, I found myself building up resources and planning an escape…  Dosn't this all seem like something we should have been warned about in a high school health class? 

Mitchell16, you must feel a bit less ... devastated this time, having experienced it before... ?  With my uBPDgf, I knew better than to even leave anything at her place.  I’d just load my truck up with overnight stuff, even cans of food for her dog... . so I’d have no reason to go back when it fell apart.  Before that, meeting up with her to get something of mine was one of the ways we’d reconnect.

Pretty weird how they can instantly head off to someone else, then back to us as if nothing had happened.  With me, having wore out family and friends, and bummed out over ‘my losses’ with her, I’d not get with anyone else … so reconnecting with her seemed fine.  But with her, well, she seemed always to have someone in reserve, someone she’d slide to the back burner…

I do remember looking forward to ‘setting a new record’ away from her.  Now you’ve got a good one to shoot for, Mitchell!  …not sure when it’ll be 8 months for me…  but I’ll be on guard though, thanks to you