After over 2 years of NC, MIL still manages to create drama...

[educator]

I haven't been here for awhile.  My quick back story is that my MIL is uBPD.  Two and a half years ago, DH and I went to counseling... . the counselor said although she couldn't dx MIL, she believed she had strong BPD traits.  We set up boundaries (with the help of our T) and within 2 months, MIL was enraged and 'walked out' of our lives.

Fast forward to now... . we haven't seen her since February 2012 but she still contacts our kids.  She sends them birthday cards, holiday cards and post cards from places she visits.  Well... actually her husband (not DH's dad) sends post cards that are addressed to our DD's (9 and 3) but are geared towards DH and myself.  Last summer, she dropped of a box of things DH had given to her, his baby pictures along with cut up pictures of DH and myself.  She cut us out of family pictures, Christmas cards, etc. 

I struggle with the fact that her antics still cause drama in my family and I know that is my fault and DH's fault, but it's hard not to become angry and feel helpless when someone is being downright hurtful to you.  On their last trip, FIL sent 5 freaking post cards addressed to our DD's.  One of they said, "Too bad you aren't with us, getting first class treatment", followed with, "(blank place... . place we vacation almost every year) doesn't hold a candle to where we are".  Another post card indicated that BIL's girlfriend was there, having a blast with MIL and that she was a real 'doll'.  DH and I both felt all those things were geared towards us.

So... . we have a box now.  A box that we just put all the post cards and cards in for our DD's when they are older.  One of the cards came on DD's birthday party day and probably would have upset her.  I made the mistake of texting MIL to tell her that these things only upset DD... . I was told it was all my fault, I was jealous, a horrible mother, etc, etc. 

I hate being NC, but it's not really NC, it's no response because she relentlessly keeps bugging us.  I hate that my DD's don't get to know their grandmother, but I know, deep down inside, that I am saving my DD's from a lot of hurt and pain.  I think when DD9 is older, MIL will contact her and really run me down to my daughter.  She's threatened that in texts and emails.  So, I just write letters to my DD while stuff is fresh in my head and put it in that box... . I call it the drama box and I hope she never has to open the darn thing.  I just don't understand why MIL does these things and why they treat us like this. 

[Botswana Agate]

A few thoughts:

Send every card, package, box, and postcard back as unopened with "rejected" or "return to sender" clearly on the label.  Ask your post office or postal carrier the best way to do this.  Or, you can simply chuck EVERYTHING, unopened, in the trash, regardless of what's in it--cash, clothes for the kids, whatever. 

If you're serious about no contact whatsoever, investigate legal means (like a cease and desist order).

Are you telling your kids about these cards, packages and such?  If so, you might want to have a sit-down with the oldest (she's 9, right?) and explain stuff in straight-forward yet simple terms.  We did this with both our girls (DD1 is now 11, BPDm started the worst of her crap 1 1/2 years ago) and explained to them what Grandma did and why she was in low-contact.  This also meant that they would not be getting gifts from her and probably Grandpa either.  We knew it would be hard for them to understand, but I explained that you don't treat people horribly one way, then send them gifts acting like nothing happened.  DD1 was a little sour about it, but I think she understood.  So expect your older DD to possibly pout about not getting a gift (when you know it's not about the freakin' gift--neither will she, in time).

And for sure, keep up the counseling with you and DH.  DH and I are currently in counseling ourselves to undo the horrid lessons we learned at the feet of our BPD parents.

[Botswana Agate]

And I *KNOW* how itchy it is to want to respond to the crazy, but please don't.  You're just giving her what she wants: ATTENTION, and that just lets her know that she's succeeding.  I know, it's hard.    ((BIG HUGS))

And another thing, I think that's why it's good to be up front with your kids as to what's going on with Grandma and Grandpa, and why they're not a part of your lives.  Certainly as they get older, you can fill them in with more age-appropriate details.  Then hopefully they'll be well-armed against any crazy that may come their way because you've prepared them ahead of time.  Counseling, too, can give you and your husband some insight on how to handle this. 

[educator]

Thanks Botswana.  DD3 has no idea.  DD9 doesn't know about most of the cards, unless she got the mail that day.  There are never gifts in there.  The only time a gift was sent, it was when MIL stalked DD's school bus (the poor thing was 6 at the time!).

We've contemplated return to sender many times.  I feel that if we did that, it would be responding.  DH has thrown away a few pieces of mail she sent the kids.  I think keeping it unopened or throwing it away is probably best.  If MIL was actually physically coming over, I'd look into a legal thing, but she's not.  I've blocked her from my phone and I've blocked her emails as well, so there really is no way for her to contact me unless I choose to initiate or she comes over.  I doubt neither will happen.

Thanks for the advice... . I agree... . it's best to let my older one know a little.  She knows we don't see MIL anymore because MIL isn't right in the head... . that's what we told her when it first happened... . that MIL just doesn't think like normal people do.  I feel like she's accepted it and DD3 has no idea.  We are actually thankful this happened before DD3 got attached to MIL as well. 

[Botswana Agate]

You mean, keeping it unopened for your kids to open later, like when they're older?  I'm curious why that would be a good idea. . . ?

And has MIL tried stalking the girls' schools since that one time?  Make darn sure the schools have photos of your ILs and know in NO uncertain terms that your girls aren't to go anywhere except with either you or DH.  WOW, scary.   

[Botswana Agate]

Educator, I need to amend my last reply.  I'm sorry if that came across as judgemental, questioning or accusatory-sounding ("I'm curious as to why that would be a good idea".  Only you know what's best for your family and only you know the reasons why things are appropriate as you deal with the affects of having a BPD family member.

As someone who's CO'd a BPD family member, I need to realize that.  I'm sorry.  

[littleln]

You mean, keeping it unopened for your kids to open later, like when they're older?  I'm curious why that would be a good idea. . . ?

And has MIL tried stalking the girls' schools since that one time?  Make darn sure the schools have photos of your ILs and know in NO uncertain terms that your girls aren't to go anywhere except with either you or DH.  WOW, scary.   

I would keep them too. Honestly, BPDs can be very charming and sly, can't they? If they ever do contact the child when they are older, it might be good to have them.