BPD's going to college

[mama72]

Hello, friends.

My BPDD17 will be a senior and we will (hopefully) be looking into college plans this next school year. She has mentioned going to college, but I know better than to bring it up, as dd takes it as trying to control her.

Anyway, I had some questions for some of the parents here about how they handled their child with BPD and college plans.

-How did you work out finances? I am nervous that my DD will get to college and not be able to handle the stress (she gets stressed out easily) and fail classes. Is there a contract that you used for expectations?

-Did your pwBPD continue with therapy? meds? How did you monitor that?

-Any other helpful advice or suggestions?

My dd is incredibly intelligent, but lacks motivation. I understand college is not for everyone, but I would sure love to see her succeed and work in a field she loves.

I am hesitant about getting too excited for her and this next chapter in her life, as you all know, it never turns out as we have anticipated!

Thanks for any input!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Hello Mama72,

We're still working on some of the very issues you mentioned, but I have no news to report yet. I agree with you that a contract is a good idea, with very clear consequences for deviation from it. Our DD is also 17.  She attends our local junior college.  4-year college wasn't an option b/c she had so much drama over "bad" teachers her junior year, she was failing almost every subject.  Her therapist suggested she take the HS proficiency exam and get her GED.  So that is what she did.  We knew our DD wasn't ready to go away to college for countless reasons.  Is local junior college an option for your DD, at least until she gains the maturity and emotional ability to handle more stress?

Finances are a challenge, but we set up a 529 Plan and a couple of college funds years ago.  We're dipping into them now. 

Yes, we're trying to keep DD in therapy, and yes, we're trying to keep an eye on her med-taking. This has just become even more complicated since she got a job 2 weeks ago and her work hours interfere with the therapy appointments that were made months ago.  Continuing her own treatment is going to be a major part of our "contract."  DH and I don't monitor our DD's meds, other than noticing when it's time to refill RXs.  But we can sure tell when she's off her antianxiety meds because she starts raging at us (well, me) for hours.  You know your DD best though.  There are other parents of older teens who cannot allow their kids access to their own meds due to too many suicide attempts.  I don't know what your situation is, but you know best.

 

Our DD clearly needs to build more skills for emotional regulation before she can handle going off the meds.  And she'll likely have to find a new therapist closer to her school and who has more schedule availability than our current therapist.  (We have to book appointments with him 3 months in advance, which has caused DD to miss therapy due to school, and now work.  So frustrating!  She needs to stay in DBT treatment.)  In fact, we're going to insist she find more DBT support because she's not getting enough and it affects everyone around her.

As for college grades, it is your DD's life, and her success or failure is ultimately up to her.  This has been a really tough struggle for me too.  I couldn't agree with you more that our BPDD's life never turns out how we'd anticipated.  As moms, it's so easy to see all their potential and talents.  And it is soo hard to watch them screw it all up.  But, the more I intervene, the worse it gets.

I'll be watching with you to see if others here have good insight and suggestions.

Hugs!

 

[griz]

Hi mama:

I havent been on in a while but I thought I could share how we handled college.  My DD19 was certainly at 17 when she graduated not ready for a four year college.  She was still doing DBT and individual therapy and still struggling somewhat.  She enrolled in a local community college and the first semester only took two classes.  She only ended up finishing one as she was overwhelmed.  By the time second semester came she was doing a bit better so she took 4 classes (12 credits) and we encouraged her to make sure at least one was a class chosen just for enjoyment, so she took an Art class.  We also had her take 1 class during the summer to keep her in the swing of things.  The following semester she signed herself up for 5 classes which I thought was too much but she insisted and she ended up dropping one midway through.  Her last semester she once again enrolled in 19 credits but we made a deal.  As soon as she felt overwhelmed she had to tell us and we would reevaluate.  It wasn't long before she was overwhelmed so we had her drop down again to 12 credits.  We made it very clear that if she couldn't handle the work load and told us in time for her to drop we were fine, but if she didn't go to class or didn't deal with her work responsibly she would be responsible for paying us back for the lost credit.

We had many discussions at the end of each semester and concluded together that 12 credits is her comfort zone.  She can handle four classes easily and pushing the envelope by trying to do more just sets her up for failure. Once she becomes overwhelmed it all goes to hell in a handbasket. She will be attending a four year college come September.  She will be living there but we have chosen a school that is not that far from home. We limited her search to less than  100 miles away. 

I think my advice would be to take it very slowly.  Set her up for success. As I have told my DD, I don't care if it takes her 5 years to graduate from a 4 year school and I remind her that slow and steady wins the race for her.  Someone once gave me very good advice which was if you know your limits and accept them you can easily work within them.  If you deny your limits and constantly push father you just set yourself up for failure.  DD has continued with therapy and we even have a therapist in place for when she goes away and she has the option to do telephone therapy with her current therapist.  My DD stopped taking meds about two years ago as she is actually MUCH better off without them, so this is not an issue. As far as finances, we too were worried about losing lots of money that we could not afford to lose if DD couldn't make it in college, that was another reason for community college.

Lastly, we have encourage DD to be honest with her professors if she starts to feel she is struggling. Most schools have an office of student services or students with disabilities.  We found them very helpful and I like the idea that DD is learning to be comfortable in letting someone know when it is necessary that she has this disability.  Even the few professors that she had to speak to because she was having a tough week at times, were very understanding and helpful.

Hope this helps... . I can tell you DD came out of two years of college very successfully and has a scholarship for half her tuition at her new school.  I believe our kids can do it they just need lots of support.

Griz

[HealingSpirit]

Griz,

Thank you!  Your story is so encouraging!  My DD is following your DD's footsteps almost to the letter.  It's uncanny.  I'm so glad to hear your confidence that our BPD offspring CAN make it through college with a little extra support. 

Your DD is so lucky to have your awareness, support, and understanding!  I'm still learning, but I hope I can soon offer the same support to my DD in a way she will understand.  Thanks for coming back!

[jellibeans]

My dd will be a senior this year and I am in the same boat as you. I really think you need to approach college step by step... . baby steps.

I think my dd will attend a community college next year and I am not sure she will do a full load but we will see. I know she will want to move out but if she does I feel she will need to support herself. We will pay for college but I will not pay for housing. I am not sure my dd is college material and I really hope she considers a trade of some kind. I truly think she would be better off... . she could one day open her own business and I think that is also good seeing that she struggles under others direction.

rightnow I feel my dd could go either way with school. She might need to take a gap year and work for a year to find her self. I am open to anything within reason. We are here to support her and help but I won't throw away money for her to party the next few years away.

[sunshineplease]

We're in the thick of it now. Ud19 had just been admitted to a four-year college when she derailed. Spent what would have been her second semester senior year, plus another semester, in wilderness and at an RTC, and finished high school online.

Our agreement was that she would come home, follow our rules, work, and take a community college course to prove to us that she could do the work in an actual classroom (tests, papers). She aced the class, and is now set to go to the original 4-year school, about 2 hours away.

After a lot of family therapy, we're all learning that dd does best if she does not feel micromanaged. So we have a very basic agreement about college:

1) The money we had set aside for her is for college (or treatment) only. If it doesn't get used for college or tx, it is ours. If it gets used up on unsuccessful semesters or more tx, it's gone.

2) She must pass all of her courses with a C or better, or we will not pay for the next semester.

3) She must pay for everything but tuition, room and board, and books.

We're not sure how this will play out, of course, but are willing to try it her way for a semester. Fingers crossed and therapist still in the picture... .