The Big Leave approaching.

[Vatz]

So with the first of next month approaching, she'll be gone. I'm glad about it, but all at once it's hard coming to terms that it's over. She is basically leaving me.

It probably is better that she's walking. It's also better that she's already finding replacements. At least in this way, she's less likely to harass me at the moment. It might make her leaving smoother, at least in the sense that because I'm not dumping her, she's not grasping at me for security/supply.

Apparently, with how she talks, she plans on remaining friends. I don't want to. At all.

I might miss the connection we may have had and that could leave me vulnerable to recycling. I'm also afraid that I'll try to initiate a recycle.

I don't know how long the withdrawal is going to last, or if I'll even improve my life much afterward. My T says to focus on now and my goals. I can't help but feel lethargic all the time. I could blame my lack of hard work on my depression, but maybe I'm just lazy after all.

Anyone else ever felt like the fire got snuffed out?

[enlighten me]

I can equate to that. What I have to keep reminding myself is that it was a single flame burning. There was nothing of substance on her side.

Yes the recycling is a worry. I work overseas and am currently away but in 3 1/2 weeks Im home and want to see my son. I don't know how I will be when I see her.

[lipstick]

Vatz,

I do understand feeling like the fire got snuffed out. Truly, I do. I am just now starting to have some interest in life again. On October 2nd, it will be two years since I was discarded.

I'm not concerned about a recycle attempt. I am now painted black and am the Devil. I won't be contacted.

But you will feel better. I'm proof of that. Hang in there and take care of you!   

[Tausk]

So with the first of next month approaching, she'll be gone. I'm glad about it, but all at once it's hard coming to terms that it's over. She is basically leaving me.

It probably is better that she's walking. It's also better that she's already finding replacements. At least in this way, she's less likely to harass me at the moment. It might make her leaving smoother, at least in the sense that because I'm not dumping her, she's not grasping at me for security/supply.

Apparently, with how she talks, she plans on remaining friends. I don't want to. At all.

I might miss the connection we may have had and that could leave me vulnerable to recycling. I'm also afraid that I'll try to initiate a recycle.

I don't know how long the withdrawal is going to last, or if I'll even improve my life much afterward. My T says to focus on now and my goals. I can't help but feel lethargic all the time. I could blame my lack of hard work on my depression, but maybe I'm just lazy after all.

Anyone else ever felt like the fire got snuffed out?

Vatz:  I'm sorry for your pain.  I've been there as well with my exgfBPD.   It hurts.   I can relate to every word you said.  Thanks for sharing.   I know what I have to say won't help the pain, but maybe ease some of the long-term suffering and fear.   I felt the same way as you as did many of us.  And I found a way to the otherside.  

The fact that we are on a pattern and can relate to each other is good because it means that we are part of a trend.  And in that trend there are proven ways to recover.

But it still hurts now and there's no way around that.

We are here.  We understand.  It hurts, but we don't have to be completely alone with the pain.

And that can provide some relieve from the suffering.

T

[Vatz]

Thanks a lot for everyone's responses so far. I'm happy to know folks are willing to take the time to talk.

She hasn't really painted me black or anything. Lately she's been mostly nice and we can carry on conversations pretty easily. I sometimes wonder if she's borderline or is it just bipolar? But maybe that's just me bargaining.

Anyway, daily interaction is painful not because she's being mean. It's because we're getting along. Besides the pain of our relationship as a couple being over, there's the confusion. I'm confused and left wondering whether or not the abuse over the last 4 years was... . I don't have the word for it. Not necessarily not real but... .

I know I've said it a number of times, but I'm often wondering what was real. How much of it was *really* abuse, and how much was just me being oversensitive.

I mean, my folks told me she wasn't gonna make me happy, my T thinks I'm better off moving on, so do friends. Can they all be wrong? Probably not, but they don't know the whole story. It's always in the back of my head. What if it was all just me? What if I'm the one painting her black? Or that I'm hypersensitive to any kind of negative interaction and SHE'S really the one being abused?

Is it normal to start doubting your perception and reality? Memory isn't quite as simple as recalling events. There are things we tend not to recall, or that we simply remember differently, as opposed to what *really* happened.

[letmeout]

The abuse we suffer at the hands of BPD partners cause our self doubts and make us question our reality. That is simply what abuse does to a person.

I have experienced what you describe too, and you can read it time and again on these boards.  No, it is not all just you.  Once you experience a healthy relationship again it will be much clearer, then you will remember how relationships are suppose to work.

[Infared]

The abuse we suffer at the hands of BPD partners cause our self doubts and make us question our reality. That is simply what abuse does to a person.

I have experienced what you describe too, and you can read it time and again on these boards.  No, it is not all just you.  Once you experience a healthy relationship again it will be much clearer, then you will remember how relationships are suppose to work.

My experience would be that if you are in a relationship with someone who says "that you are being too sensitive" ... . it is time to find someone who thinks that you are a wonderfully sensitive person.  If you were "too sensitive" then they were not mean or cruel. Right?

[Vatz]

Once you experience a healthy relationship again it will be much clearer, then you will remember how relationships are suppose to work.

I've never actually had a healthy intimate relationship before. My previous SO was possibly borderline, or at least bipolar or something. This is the second relationship I've been in.

I don't really know what it's like to be with a healthy person. When I did the online dating thing, on everyone's profile everyone either had some degree and career, or was making a beeline for one. They were all so intimidating. Like why would they want anything to do with me? I don't bring much to the table.

I suppose that's how I got into this dysfunctional relationship in the first place, but finding a healthy person seems so daunting. I feel I'm below the attention of most people.