In a few minutes it was over

[Ihope2]

At 12:05pm local time, Friday 20th June 2014, the Court pronounced my exBPDh and me to be divorced due to an irretrievable breakdown of our marriage.

Only I was present in Court, and I had to outline the reasons for the breakdown.  I am very thankful to the lawyer who handled my case, she is a really humane woman specialising in family law.  We avoided all mention of personality disorder and mental illness.  I was agonising as to what I would say, if the Court was not convinced that we had tried to reconcile our relationship.  I did not want to lie under oath.  Then it came to me, and I mentioned that nothing I did made my husband happy and he became more and more depressed and distressed in our marriage and that my health started suffering as a result.

That was that, and the marriage was legally dissolved.

My heart goes out to those who are caught up in years and years of chaos and uncertainty with a BPD spouse and who recycle the relationship many times before coming to the realisation that it is not serving either one of them to remain in the relationship.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ihope2, Having been officially divorced from my BPDxW one year ago, I can relate.  I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could.  I wanted to be able to look our kids in the eye one day and say that I tried everything to make our marriage work.  I was unable to do it -- BPD was much bigger and more complex than I ever could have imagined, and the disorder almost destroyed me.  For me to have gone deeper into the BPD well would have done no one any good, particularly our kids.  So now it's over, just as you describe.  LuckyJim

[talithacumi]

I just wanted to say I'm glad your divorce from your exBPDh was granted with less drama/trouble than you'd expected, and that you're finally free of the time/expense involved in dealing with this aspect of detaching from your exBPDh.

Not having to focus on, or worry about something this big, though, can suddenly open us up to experiencing a whole bunch of other conflicted thoughts/emotions that can be really difficult to process/deal with. I know that was certainly the case for me. We weren't married, but had been together for over 12 years - raised kids, bought/renovated/sold several houses, owned/operated a business together - so I was left to deal with a lot of the same kinds of obligations/problems after he got caught cheating while I was out of town working to pay our rent, dysregulated, dissociated, split me black, decided to move out before I could even make arrangements to get back/talk to him in person, and basically stopped having any interest in anything even remotely associated with me or the relationship/family/home/business/life we'd shared.

I spent a tremendous amount of time the first year and a half coming to terms with, and addressing as best I could, JUST the practical, logistical, financial, and legal problems his decision (and subsequent behavior) created for me at a time when I felt so emotionally torn/conflicted I could barely sleep, eat, or think straight. I spent the next six months focused on trying to deal with the very real effects of being stalked, harassed, threatened, assaulted, and otherwise frightened/injured/damage by him, my replacement, and her friends/family members.

When I finally found the resources, money, support, and opportunity to move out of state I was ENORMOUSLY relieved.

But in all the peace/quiet/calm/freedom from worry I'd worked so long/hard to get, I could also finally start to hear, and allow myself to pay attention to all the other things I'd been feeling from the very start of this nightmare. There was a lot there, and not all of it was happy. There was a lot of sadness. A lot of grief. A lot of pain. A LOT of tears.

Be gentle with yourself these next few days, weeks, months. There will be times when you will be confused by, and want to feel ashamed of what you find yourself feeling/thinking. Try not to. If you're like me, you know it's always been complicated when it comes to the feelings you have for/about your ex. This isn't any different. How you react - what you do in response to those feelings - however, CAN be.

Deep breath.

We're here for you.

[seeking balance]

That was that, and the marriage was legally dissolved.

I am sorry... . nobody that I know goes into marriage hoping for a divorce even when we know it is necessary to save ourselves.

I remember quite a "hangover" effect after everything was finally said and done... . no more "on guard" or "protective walls" meant that I really  was free to feel it all.

Peace,

SB

[Ihope2]

Thank you for the kind responses.  I am so very thankful to have found out about bpdfamily.com when I did.  I have learnt so much here and felt validation and understanding.

I still have a long road ahead of me to continue healing, detaching, working on my self-awareness and working through my childhood pain, which has brought me to where I am now in my life.  I have hope and faith that I can overcome my old trauma bond relationship patterns and work on healthier relationships all round.

[Tolou]

Ihope2... .

Finally made it there, happy for you, especially since you were granted with what was best for your health without going into all those details.  Hopefully, this can be the start of a smarter and stringer you, because regardless of what happened in your past with this person or others, your still pushing and not giving up, and that's what matters.  Good luck with everything and Ihope2 that you find some more calm in your life.

[Ihope2]

Thank you Tolou, I appreciate reading your responses on this message board.  They are calm and measured and show a depth of understanding. 

[tiredndown]

In my state we must like 'separately' for two years. You can live in the same house during this time. I am coming up to the two year mark in August of this year.

I am curious, what would have happened if the court was not convinced?

[Ihope2]

I really don't know what would have happened.  This is South African law, our legal system seems to work very differently to other countries.

The divorce rate here is very high, the saying goes that 1 in every 2 marriages in this country ends in divorce.

One thing I realised, is that the law is very concerned with children, especially minor children born into marriages here.  

I suppose the fact that I wasn't married for very long and also have no children played a big role in my case.

Spousal abuse is also very prevalent in South Africa, in many of the other divorce cases that were heard before it was my turn, the plaintiff's mentioned that their partner (it was mainly wives complaining about abusive husbands) had physically, and emotionally abused them.

I think also the fact that my husband had moved out of the home played a deciding factor in the magistrate making his decision.  It would have been very different if my exBPDh had insisted on staying in residence in the home and if he had decided to contest the divorce.