Need some help defining a boundary...

[mace17]

Maybe some of you more experienced with boundary setting can help me with this one.  My uBPDh likes to make very negative comments, about just about anybody, but in particular it bothers me when its about our S8, especially when he is within earshot.  For example, yesterday we were discussing baseball, S8 is in Little League and next year they will be starting kid pitch.  I mention that S8 might make a good pitcher since he has a strong arm but he needs work on his accuracy yet.  H started saying very negative things, like "I would buy a pitching net and work with him, but he would just give up in 5 minutes anyway so I'm not going to waste the money." And "well I tried to take him to the batting cages to practice but he didn't hit anything so he probably won't ever want to go again." S8 was sitting not even 4 feet away, so I know he could hear this.  How do I define a boundary about this?  I simply didn't respond to his comments and redirected the conversation, but I would like to express that I will not tolerate him making those kind of comments when our son can overhear them.  If he wants to discuss things like that and has concerns about our son's behavior, he can discuss it privately with me.  But just saying no negative comments when S8 can hear them seems so general, how can I make this a specific boundary?

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[maxsterling]

I'm not really sure I can offer much advice - but is your H even aware he is doing this?  When I was a kid, my parents took the same attitude with me - they weren't good or had no interest in sports, so none of us kids were really encouraged in sports and after tee ball, we were all put into other activities.  I don't recall either of my parents directly or in front of me making these comments, but I do remember years later my mom making some kind of comment regarding younger siblings, about how much something costs and that my sibling really wasn't very good or showed much interest.  It was crushing to hear that, so I feel for your son.

My feeling is that you can't do anything about their constant negative drone.  You can't stop their thoughts, and they seem to have little filter abilities on their tongue.  My advice to validate his emotions, "That very well could happen, and it would be disappointing."  Then bring up that you want to try anyway, "I'd still like to encourage him because I think it will be good for him in the long run whether he succeeds or fails."   Then I would point out that it's okay to have negative thoughts, but that he should find another time and place to vent than in front of his son.

I know how bad this negative stuff is to deal with.  Negative comments outnumber neutral or positive comments in my house about 100 to 1.  The subject is often the same - "why bother trying if I am just going to fail."  I try to validate and detach myself from her misery, but unfortunately, your son doesn't understand that because he needs his dad's love. 

[mace17]

Most of the time I can deal with the negative comments, but when my son is exposed to them I get a little upset.  I'm not sure if he is aware that he is doing this, his father was the same way I guess and he always says that's all he knows and he can't change.  S8 is already very anxious, thinks he will never be able to really make dad proud of him, and as much as I try to make up for that its hard.  Thank you for the validation and boundary suggestions, I will definitely try those next time. It's not easy trying to figure out how to put it in specific terms, that's one of the things I have trouble with.  Most of his "verbal abuse" is so subtle, it is hard to define what it is I want him to stop.  Then I always hear either that he didn't mean it that way and I'm crazy, or that he was just kidding and I'm too sensitive.

[maxsterling]

That's the main reason why I am scared at the possibility of having children with this woman.  It's taken a ton of work on my end to let the negativity roll by me or to learn to validate.  I can't imagine how confusing that would be to a developing child. 

It's still difficult to be around and may still be slowly souring my outlook on life.  And yeah, the "verbal abuse" is subtle, general complaints about me or something I did or didn't do.  Yesterday morning, I spent a ton of time cleaning up dishes and straightening up.  She got up as I was washing dishes and told me how she hates that our house is so dirty.  I consider this verbal/emotional abuse considering I am the only one who does any cleaning.   I responded in a "guilt tripping" kinda way, saying that *I* am doing the best I can to keep the house clean, to which she responded, "and I do nothing, I'm a worthless loser."

[mace17]

I hear ya, Max!  I had a similar episode yesterday with mine - I got up early and did about half the dishes, then I had to leave to spend the day at the local baseball tournament working at the concession stand.  When I got home, H had finished the dishes and I thanked him, apologizing that I hadn't had time to finish them in the morning.  His comment - "oh, you did dishes? I couldn't tell."  This from the person who does dishes maybe 3 times a year.  But since he did them I was supposed to bend over backwards to praise him, and apparently I was supposed to feel bad that I hadn't finished them that morning too.  I feel guilty for about half a second, but I am getting a lot better now about letting stuff roll off my back.