2 Faces of the Chameleon

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know now that my uBPDxw was a waif Chameleon. She acted one way around me and acted totally different when around others especially with the men she cheated with and around her co-workers, etc.

My question is this. Has anyone had the opportunity to be around their xpwBPD and their new relationship?  Did anyone have the experience of seeing their x with a whole new personality?

I look forward to any responses.

[mywifecrazy]

I know now that my uBPDxw was a waif Chameleon. She acted one way around me and acted totally different when around others especially with the men she cheated with and around her co-workers, etc.

My question is this. Has anyone had the opportunity to be around their xpwBPD and their new relationship?  Did anyone have the experience of seeing their x with a whole new personality?

I look forward to any responses.

[mywifecrazy]

I know now that my uBPDxw was a waif Chameleon. She acted one way around me and acted totally different when around others especially with the men she cheated with and around her co-workers, etc.

My question is this. Has anyone had the opportunity to be around their xpwBPD and their new relationship?  Did anyone have the experience of seeing their x with a whole new personality?

I look forward to any responses.

Or do they avoid this confrontation as they can't take the emotional pressure of being around two people that they have mirrored before. I mean would it be possible for them to function in that dynamic?

I remember her past r/s used to stalk us (now I know why, he was aghast at the lies she was telling about him) anyway he approached us in a restaurant. Now that I look blackmail don't think she said anything. Just sat there quietly.

Just a weird thought that has me wondering. I really thing she operates on different personalities!

[willbegood]

I used to see the ex husband once in a while. She acted very normal when he was around.

I almost went to a party with her which we knew her ex was going to be there. She caused a fight earlier in the week and broke up with me so I wouldn't see him. Then I heard she was trying to hang all over him at the party.

I think for any of us going somewhere with a new gf and seeing the ex there will build anxiety. I think it takes it to a whole new level with BPD and they'll try to avoid it.

[antjs]

yes i have seen this. during the idealization phase she spoke to her ex once on the phone infront of me and her voice tone was very rude. at that time i thought its normal since he was "bad" to her. rather the less she went and met him "to finalize the break up". she kept meeting him of course. one time, we had a fight cause he asked her out in front of me and she accepted. i told her since you are friends why dont i accompany you ? why do you always meet him alone ? she panicked. she was ready to do anything inorder to avoid being with both of us together. of course it was insecure of me to do so and i should have quit the r\s much earlier. during the break up she used this same voice tone with me. and yes i told her it seems like i have known two persons (her splitting) and it took me sometime to know which one of them you are. this was before i knew about BPD. i thought she was the bad one only. she said "i am both antony. you dont know me that well." i did not understand this statement and it confused me for long but now i do 

[antjs]

she is 29 and into daddy age men. so she drinks wine, listen to classics, write poetry and so "aristocratic" like. since i am the only one who she had and was younger than her. she was more of a "teen-aged girl" with me.

[mywifecrazy]

she is 29 and into daddy age men. so she drinks wine, listen to classics, write poetry and so "aristocratic" like. since i am the only one who she had and was younger than her. she was more of a "teen-aged girl" with me.

Interesting AJ. That's what I was wondering. I KNOW my uBPDxw acts like she has different personalities. I just never witnessed it in person.

PS. You've come a long way since we spoke. Shows you are healing!

[Infared]

MWC (I love watching you run around the box. Somehow it comforts me! LOL)

YES... My pwBPD ran off with her new hero... . we live in the same small town. Trust me, I did nothing to deserve this other than (I am guessing here) I did not ask her to marry me.

Her and the all-new-manipulated prince would go waaaaay out of their way to act out in public whenever they encountered me... . by myself, totally minding my own business.

Here is just one instance. Me at sidewalk coffee shop with friends (all men from my self-help group). My ex and prince apparently frequent this spot... . I did not know until that day... . I never go there now.

They come on sidewalk, she sees me... . but I give up nothing (wearing shades)... she gets all dramatic, plays faux victim to control and manipulate new prince.  Big sigh, slumps shoulders, tells him I am there (GOD KNOWS WHAT SHE HAS TOLD THIS GUY ABOUT ME?)... . so... . they go back to the front sidewalk... so me still giving nothing up... . just sitting there... . I think... . cool they are leaving... . I can enjoy my morning... . but Oh no... . not a chance.

They go to the adjoining cafe, take a table on the side walk and sit at a table, both on the same side so that they can stare at me to try and hurt me?  There is a table in between us... but the people get up... . so they pick up all their stuff and just move to that table... . same drill... sitting on the same side of the table ... staring at me, smug and gloating?

I keep my wraps on, never give a word, sign or gesture... . I stay my stay... . and then get my bike (which unbeknownst to the was locked at a tree right next to their table). It looked like I was coming to confront them!  LOL. I never even winced (of course I was deeply hurt by the behavior)... . unlocked my bike and rode home. FElt like small victory because I was the adult.

That caused me a lot of pain. Isn't that behavior one would expect from 7th graders? Him too, ... . I was dumbfounded. TOTALLY.

... . like WOW... . I made a home for her and lived with her for 5 years... . I really cared about her... . and this is the behavior after the lies and the abandonment.

Hard to absorb. We are talking about two 40 -year olds here?  What the heck?

I had many more of these... me TOTALLY NC for years... . me usually totally alone ... . minding my own business. It was like sport for them. I never engage in any way, ever... . sometime I do leave... but don't acknowledge them.  It so sucks. I don't understand why they cannot just leave me alone... . it's like enjoyment for them.

[MissTajo]

It looked like I was coming to confront them!  LOL. I never even winced (of course I was deeply hurt by the behavior)... . unlocked my bike and rode home. FElt like small victory because I was the adult.

I'm sorry but I really laughed hard at this... . Suuuuch a stupid and awkward situation they put you in but you did good. Really good. Well done! 

[Blimblam]

Ive seen her around some of her exs and Ive seen her around one of my replacements.

It is weird and ackward.  To the one ex that had really loved her she would kiss me in front of him. He would for the most part ignore her.  Showing them you still want them when they pull this crap makes you undesirable I guess.  Ugh I just got dejavu.

SICK and twisted.

The crap they pull is just ridiculous.

[Arminius]

My uBPDxgf was/is bisexual ( but who can really know?) and she kept her last female ex wrapped around her finger, keeping a key to the house, the holiday apartment etc... .

Anyway, when the female ex saw us together in the early days, she commented how different uBPDxgf was... . she was softer with me, more feminine by a long way, sharing, she could apologise etc etc

So, I guess the poor woman was probably quite shocked at the changes.

I put it all down to the 'obvious' fact that my uBPDxgf was happier with me than ever in her life before! Silly, simplistic me... . judging her behaviour by the normal standards!

Now? Now I realise that the one I thought I loved was merely a reflection of who/what she thought I wanted to see. Not real.

You know, she asked so much about my ex wife that I now realise she just wanted to be better than her in  every way... she spent so much time not being my ex wife that she forgot to be herself!

She made sure she beat my ex wife in:

Sex, shopping, house management, yiu name it. She had no self.

[Infared]

It looked like I was coming to confront them!  LOL. I never even winced (of course I was deeply hurt by the behavior)... . unlocked my bike and rode home. FElt like small victory because I was the adult.

I'm sorry but I really laughed hard at this... . Suuuuch a stupid and awkward situation they put you in but you did good. Really good. Well done! 

I agree ... . to stand back and observe this is like some sorry sitcom episode. ... . but at the time it was soo emotionally upsetting.  I clearly did not see the person that I was with. I accepted who she "told" me she was. I didn't see this kind of behavior coming... . not at all.

[dillan6241]

Two faces of the chameleon ... . or really just altering your personality or outward behavior to reflect the people around you.

Yes, my exBPDgf would do this, now that I think about it. I consider myself mature for being in my early twenties, having gotten two Masters and performing a gov't job in D.C. She always idealized these points about me, how she LOVED how hard I worked, how our children would have a great father to look up to, how her parents loved me and all her friends thought she was so lucky to have a guy who was so goal-oriented, and how I told her my philosophy is to "never settle" and "always want more."

So I always worked hard and wasn't the crazy, non-caring, party type that her friends were, all of whom were smokers, drinkers, tattoos, drugs etc. I am very career and academically driven! But when I would go with her to her friend's parties, I would definitely drink and socialize etc, but again I wouldn't go totally bat- crazy like her friends, and she would do EXACTLY the same as me, because she was afraid to disappoint me or feel less loved by me, she had to reflect me while I was in her presence. She claimed she didn't like to drink "too much" and that her friends drank too much and she didn't want to party all the time. HOWEVER, since I was working and going to school a lot, I told her to go out and have a good time with her friends, and when I wasn't there I'd hear how she got overly crazy drunk, would call me really late at night to pick her up from her friend's house while I was studying and had work at 7AM.

At the time I was fine with it, whatever, but now I see the "2 faces of the chameleon." She even did this with her parents/family and church folk, had to look like the super innocent, sweet, loving church girl who dressed so nice. With her friends she was the crazy, fun, party girl who drank and flirted with guys. With me she was the loving, caring girl who really wanted a family and to just be loved. Unfortunately her friends eventually won out and I was discarded

[MissTajo]

I agree ... . to stand back and observe this is like some sorry sitcom episode. ... . but at the time it was soo emotionally upsetting.  I clearly did not see the person that I was with. I accepted who she "told" me she was. I didn't see this kind of behavior coming... . not at all.

Don't you somehow feel like you want to warn the guy whats he is getting into?

[mywifecrazy]

I agree ... . to stand back and observe this is like some sorry sitcom episode. ... . but at the time it was soo emotionally upsetting.  I clearly did not see the person that I was with. I accepted who she "told" me she was. I didn't see this kind of behavior coming... . not at all.

Don't you somehow feel like you want to warn the guy whats he is getting into?

Wow that has a potential for a whole new thread... . I actually did that

[schwing]

I think I was witness to a couple of personality changes.  Only I didn't interpret them as such.  I thought she was "being fake" with other people to get them to like her.  I hung on to the belief that she was only "being real" when she was with me.  And when it comes to warning other people, that's the rub: they act more or less consistently with the person to whom they are attaching themselves to; so the people who are being warned, won't see much evidence for your warnings.

Only when they are detaching from us, do we have the opportunity to see the different sides and *only then* do we see it as duplicitous.

My exBPDgf *described herself* to me as a "chameleon" sometime in the middle of our relationship.  I had no idea what she was talking about because I was only familiar (for the most part) to one side of her, the side she maintained while she was with me.

My understanding now, is that at their core, they do not have a fully realized personality -- nor can they until they *recover* from their disorder, or *recover* from their primary abandonment trauma.

... .

I think this is in part why they (at least the pwBPDs in my life) often avoid being in situations where there are multiple close attachments present simultaneously -- and this includes family members and such.  I think that if the family members or close attachments ever compared notes, they might find that they disagree on key defining qualities.

My exBPDgf kept me away from her family, and rarely did we spend much time with those who were also close to her.  And in a way, it was always difficult to connect with them -- I wonder if it was because we had far less in common than we would have expected.

[lemon flower]

My understanding now, is that at their core, they do not have a fully realized personality -- nor can they until they *recover* from their disorder, or *recover* from their primary abandonment trauma.

... .



I think this is in part why they (at least the pwBPDs in my life) often avoid being in situations where there are multiple close attachments present simultaneously -- and this includes family members and such.  I think that if the family members or close attachments ever compared notes, they might find that they disagree on key defining qualities.

My exBPDgf kept me away from her family, and rarely did we spend much time with those who were also close to her.  And in a way, it was always difficult to connect with them -- I wonder if it was because we had far less in common than we would have expected.

indeed, I have the same experience with my BP-friend; he will usually avoid to bring me to his family or friends, not only because he plays another role and acts differently with them but also because he's afraid that his family will not aprove of me,

but as we start to know eachother longer he also seems to trust me more and nowadays he does connect me to his family and friends sometimes.

also he talks to me about his tendency to change personality, usually in an apologising way, and trying to give me a reason why he's acting differently when he's with them. His reasons are sometimes weird, sometimes acceptable, but I'm getting familiar with it I guess... .

[Arminius]

Mine also used the word chameleon to describe herself and how she 'just goes with the flow.'

She, in the devaluations started to resent her going with the flow and changed all that to ' you made me change who I am.'

[mywifecrazy]

Only when they are detaching from us, do we have the opportunity to see the different sides and *only then* do we see it as duplicitous.

Yes. This is what had me interested in this topic and start this thread.

My understanding now, is that at their core, they do not have a fully realized personality -- nor can they until they *recover* from their disorder, or *recover* from their primary abandonment trauma.

I actually had a moment when my uBPDxw admitted as much to me. It was before she was caught in her affairs and we were still married. She had already been painting me black. She opened up to me on night and told me she felt real empty inside and had no idea who she really was. I had no idea what BPD was at the time so I didn't know the extent of what she was telling me. Now that I look back it is very sad what she was trying to tell me.

I think this is in part why they (at least the pwBPDs in my life) often avoid being in situations where there are multiple close attachments present simultaneously -- and this includes family members and such.  I think that if the family members or close attachments ever compared notes, they might find that they disagree on key defining qualities.

This is EXACTLY what my uBPDxw is going through now. She hasnt seen her Mom, Sister, Brother etc since she was caught in affair and latched on to her new r/s (victim). I even told her during the breakup that her family and myself had compared notes about all the lies she told them about me and the lies she told me about them. It's weird, when I see her at my sons games ( the few times she goes) she is EERILY quiet. She keeps to herself and doesn't say anything. It's like she doesn't know how to act around me because that personality is no longer inside her (?). I also remember back 20 yrs ago she did the same exact thing when we met. when she was with me she was energetic, talkative and very personable. Whenever I would bring her around my family or new friends for the first time she was EMBARRASSINGLY shy and reserved. I remember being embarrassed, some people were wondering if she was mute. Just one of the THOUSANDS OF   that I TRAMPLED OVER on my way into the  SPIDERS WEB

[JackBlacknBlue]

I saw my uBPD friend be completely different people a few times.  Once was when she was communicating with me how depressed and down she was.  I showed up to surprise her to 'cheer her up' and I arrived without her seeing me. She was the life of the party where she was at.  Another time was when she behaved completely differently around a new friend.  She was wearing sports jerseys and talking sports which she would never ever had been caught dead doing in the past.  Her text messages to people are very different in tone and use of emoticons.   If you read them, you would think different people writing them.

Definitely a chameleon.

[Blimblam]

I saw my uBPD friend be completely different people a few times.  Once was when she was communicating with me how depressed and down she was.  I showed up to surprise her to 'cheer her up' and I arrived without her seeing me. She was the life of the party where she was at.  Another time was when she behaved completely differently around a new friend.  She was wearing sports jerseys and talking sports which she would never ever had been caught dead doing in the past.  Her text messages to people are very different in tone and use of emoticons.   If you read them, you would think different people writing them.

Definitely a chameleon.

I know it is so bizarre!  Mine was BIsexual and when she was around gfs she would be basically under their command, there was some internal struggle as I was also there so she decided to hang out with her gfs basically when I wasn't there.  Her gfs would always try to convince her to go for other guys behind my back as a part of their power trip. Narcs she likes to befriend female narcs whom I can not stand.  I can not stand overt narcs at all. 

SHe would tell me I was the only person she felt she didn't have to "act" in front of and she could be herself. I assume that was a lie too.  She really did tell me all about the disorder but I had no idea about the disorder If I did things would have went a lot different.

[JackBlacknBlue]

SHe would tell me I was the only person she felt she didn't have to "act" in front of and she could be herself. I assume that was a lie too.  She really did tell me all about the disorder but I had no idea about the disorder If I did things would have went a lot different.

I got the same line.  That I was the only person she could be normal in front of.  I also now assume a story that she tells everyone. 

[Arminius]

Yeah, lines like 'You're the first person that let's me be ME... . I know we'll be together for ever.'

Later, 'You found someone you liked and you changed them, I don't know who I am , I lost myself.'

[antjs]

one time in the car lana del rey - ride was playing on the radio. part of the song's lyrics say "my mother always told me that i have a chameleon soul" she repeated this line and gave me this evil twisted confusing grin. GOD how did i miss all of these . she also told me that she loves this song specially the lyrics though i was the one who made her listen to it. after the break up i checked the song's full lyrics and i was shocked. its full of BPD character and goes like :

I was in the winter of my life, and the men I met along the road were my only summer.

At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them.

Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour, and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times.

I was a singer - not a very popular one,

I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken.

But I didn't really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I'd been living, they asked me why - but there's no use in talking to people who have home.

They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head.

I was always an unusual girl.

My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean... .

And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying... .

Because I was born to be the other woman.

Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.

Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

I've been out on that open road

You can be my full time daddy,

White and gold

Singing blues has been getting old

You can be my full time baby,

Hot or cold

[antjs]

God just rereading the lyrics is traumatic for me. i feel like crying. i am not sure if it is out of anger or out of sympathy for her and feeling helpless to offer any help for her.

[Arminius]

You can't help her. I wanted to help mine but as soon as I realised I couldn't ( and that actually, she didn't deserve it) I stopped caring.

[antjs]

You can't help her. I wanted to help mine but as soon as I realised I couldn't ( and that actually, she didn't deserve it) I stopped caring.

In my case she does not deserve it either. She is in denial yet deep inside she know that "she is different" or "something is wrong with her" she confessed that. But she was so self centered and wanted her quick fix with me and did not care about how she hurts people. One time she said " i am worried about you. I easily forget about people" i was puzzled at that moment and i did not afford an answer