When enough is enough

[Tyrwhitt]

Hi, I do find this message board extremely supportive but hearing other's experiences very helpful.  After 21 years together, 19 married, I can identify clearly the three stages - 9 years of idealisation/mirroring, blurred into 10 years of clinger phase where the whole attention of the relationship moved to him and now I'm in the hater phase.  I think I've disconnected and through these boards realised that I can't change / help / be responsible for him and that if I had to really be frank, I'm tired of never getting a 'hello', 'good morning', 'good luck' or having any interest paid to me.  Fed up of the constant criticism, looks of disgust, put downs in front of people, being sworn at in front of people, over reaction to any perceived slight on my part.

Sadly, the rage has come with the hatred and it's been slow - I can even pinpoint when it started.  The threats are unnerving, threats that I'll 'get what I deserve one day', always when he's on the edge of a rage mode and I make a comment.  The other day, he chased me down the stairs and I curled up in a ball ready for this 'getting what I deserve' as I couldn't get out (I slipped as I came down the stairs and was on the floor as he pounded after me).  I then had threats that he was going to draw money out (he knows that I try to keep our finances together) and he wanted x amount.  He then said that if I left the house that night, I wouldn't be getting back in the next day.  I stayed, not really wanting to be bothered with the police if he changed the locks.

We're now in silent mode.  Both sides, on my side to keep myself safe, on his side to punish me.  I told him it was over and he said he wasn't moving out.  But we all know that leaving isn't always so straight forward - you need money, a place to go, a job and everything I've worked for my whole working life is here.  Why should I leave? 

I feel sad that I've spent years having a one-sided relationship and still crave something that I can't have.  But I do recognise that I was a lonely child, am a lonely adult and probably always will be.  I'm trying to get my head around all this, particular the rage and the lack of responsibility.  I never saw myself as an abused woman, but slowly I'm coming out of denial.