I recycled.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

dude split,

you know where this leads.  It's an addiction but that initial high is gone.

I was supposed to meet her today... .I came up with an excuse. My call... .she got so angry.  She replaced me in heartbeat. Maybe its over. Shes such a liar. I just cant deal. I thought I could.

I tottally understand I guess its about that radical acceptance everyone always talks about.  Time to focus on your own healing.  I recommend that book the journey from abandonment to healing, its good stuff the real deal.  Also like 2010 always talked about who does the borderline remind you of in your foo? For me I realize that when I met mine I was injured physically and emotionally she brought out my best but also fed my false self when she ripped that away I was faced with all the pain of all the shame built up over my entire life.  Doing the core inner work to heal is not easy but I hope you chose that path for yourself.

[Blimblam]

dude split,

you know where this leads.  It's an addiction but that initial high is gone.

I was supposed to meet her today... .I came up with an excuse. My call... .she got so angry.  She replaced me in heartbeat. Maybe its over. Shes such a liar. I just cant deal. I thought I could.

I tottally understand I guess its about that radical acceptance everyone always talks about.  Time to focus on your own healing.  I recommend that book the journey from abandonment to healing, its good stuff the real deal.  Also like 2010 always talked about who does the borderline remind you of in your foo? For me I realize that when I met mine I was injured physically and emotionally she brought out my best but also fed my false self when she ripped that away I was faced with all the pain of all the shame built up over my entire life.  Doing the core inner work to heal is not easy but I hope you chose that path for yourself.

[thinkingthinking]

We start where we are, SB.   Don't let yourself spiral into shame and blame.   Every moment we are given a chance to start again.   And I say that as someone who hates his own mental addiction to his ex-girlfriend.

"We start where we are"... .such a great reminder!

We learn a little more each time this happens, and get a little stronger.

I went through this same thing a couple of weeks ago (after going through a divorce!). The comfort of the relationship, no matter how crazy, lured me back in for a brief moment.  But as you noticed, their neediness and and the chaos sneak back up quickly, reminding of us why we we needed out to begin with.  Now you have the opportunity to recognize it and take care of yourself!

[Split black]

I actually forgive her. I do see the little girl in her all the time. That sweet innocence... .and then the incredible lack of restraint and remorseless cheating and lying. My body is in withdrawal again. As is my mind. The dull ache is familiar.  Im dealing with it. Im ok.

Her gas-lighting had me smiling... .to myself... .and when she said ... .I was crazy... .I was controlling... .  out of fu*king no where.  Of course translated means she did bang the guy shes been fixated on, the DAY she wanted champagne and for us to get a room... .A DJ. ... .this is while she is in this new committed relationship with her ex. ( I feel sorry for him... .and myself) But at least I know... .

I appreciate this board so much for the tools, even at my age, which enabled me to witness these last couple of weeks as if in an out of body experience. Everything she said is so sad and BPD. But those moments of childish insight... .couple with her sexuality... .omg. irresistible. If there is a god... .give me the strength to resit if she tries to recycle yet again. 

I ignored her last call. I haven't seen her in over a week... .  my call. But she unleashed total rejection again. Easy for her when juggling 3 guys if not more.

For those of you secretly wishing and hoping and longing... .do not forget the anguish. It will not change. It will not be better.

[Split black]

Well... . I asked for it... .seems surreal that only about two weeks ago we were in bed having at it.  Ive had very LC, today there was an uncomfortable flurry of texts, pathetically initiated by me I confess... .and once again rejected and blacker... .leaving me feeling with every contact now that shes rescinded her attention for crimes against her ( I wasn't able to meet her and didnt last Tues because of an obligation... .her day off... .how dare I? I gave her a days notice which she used to set up some other clandestine tryst... )  After one text in which I mentioned to her that she had texted ME well over 300 times, and wanted to have champagne and sex last Tues ( again), and that she begged me to come to her apt at midnight last week to bring her some anxiety meds ( I did, then left, she was already wasted) and she borrowed 400 dollars to which she promised to pay back one way or another, and that she "owed me"... .she said... ."tell me all this again and I will ruin you".  She didnt view my comments as a plea for understanding, but an attack, as if I would show her texts to her bf or some other guy. And then she screamed "she doesn't like me, shes just not attracted to me anymore, ( she must be a good actress then)  Im not fun anymore, I just stress her out and to stop texting and never text her again and that Im fu*king crazy!"  I guess I must be.

When any woman dumps you its a hit on your ego... .but with this recycling, and her malignant attacks again out of nowhere, even after I pointed out how hurtful her behavior was... .made me feel ashamed, guilty, castrated, unlovable, emasculated and totally worthless. AGAIN!  WHY, WHY WHY did I keep trying and trying to make something work, only to feel more frustrated and hurt when the inevitable occurs? Why am I/ was I, holding on so tightly to someone that generally makes me feel so bad? I was in NC... .I was feeling pretty good. Im back to square one.  

[Narellan]

So start again... .It doesn't matter where you start just start. You don't have to see it as starting over like you did way back then when you split. You're wiser now. Think of this as a test you didn't do so well in. And now you get a chance to resit. Do your homework again. Read the resources again. Do the lessons again. And when the opportunity to cheat comes knocking again you can decline because you don't need it. In order to get a good result you need to stay on the right path. Do the work required, don't fall into any traps that are not good for your long term result. And your long term result is to gain strength everyday to be the man you want to be. Someone you can be proud of. Someone with good self worth and respectful of yourself and others.

This is nothing but a stumbling block. Learn from it. Forget the money, go NC and live the life you were destined to live.  

[BorisAcusio]

Well... . I asked for it... .seems surreal that only about two weeks ago we were in bed having at it.  Ive had very LC, today there was an uncomfortable flurry of texts, pathetically initiated by me I confess... .and once again rejected and blacker... .leaving me feeling with every contact now that shes rescinded her attention for crimes against her ( I wasn't able to meet her and didnt last Tues because of an obligation... .her day off... .how dare I? I gave her a days notice which she used to set up some other clandestine tryst... )  After one text in which I mentioned to her that she had texted ME well over 300 times, and wanted to have champagne and sex last Tues ( again), and that she begged me to come to her apt at midnight last week to bring her some anxiety meds ( I did, then left, she was already wasted) and she borrowed 400 dollars to which she promised to pay back one way or another, and that she "owed me"... .she said... ."tell me all this again and I will ruin you".  She didnt view my comments as a plea for understanding, but an attack, as if I would show her texts to her bf or some other guy. And then she screamed "she doesn't like me, shes just not attracted to me anymore, ( she must be a good actress then)  Im not fun anymore, I just stress her out and to stop texting and never text her again and that Im fu*king crazy!"  I guess I must be.

When any woman dumps you its a hit on your ego... .but with this recycling, and her malignant attacks again out of nowhere, even after I pointed out how hurtful her behavior was... .made me feel ashamed, guilty, castrated, unlovable, emasculated and totally worthless. AGAIN!  WHY, WHY WHY did I keep trying and trying to make something work, only to feel more frustrated and hurt when the inevitable occurs? Why am I/ was I, holding on so tightly to someone that generally makes me feel so bad? I was in NC... .I was feeling pretty good. Im back to square one.  

Even if she would be normal, you're still "dating" someone who could be easily your daughter. You're not meant to be together. She openly exploits you, in return, you enjoy her youth as she offers herself up as a mere commodity. It's extremely unhealthy for both parties involved and only you have the experience, consciousness and capacity to see this and put an end to your dysfunctional dance. When dealing with pwBPD, you HAVE to be responsible becuase they can't. I would echo what Narellan said:

your long term result is to gain strength everyday to be the man you want to be. Someone you can be proud of. Someone with good self worth and respectful of yourself and others.

[charred]

Be easier on yourself...

The pwBPD love bombs you during the idealization phase. That mirroring and love bombing seems like unconditional love, the kind an infant needs from a parent. At some point you accept the pwBPD as a primary relationship... a psuedo-parent... and feel both the wonder of being a kid again and all your long repressed emotions both good and bad come out. When the pwBPD starts being clingy... it makes no sense... you are hooked and would never leave them... but just like you they are replaying very old wounds and behavior. When they end it or you do... you know something isn't normal about the breakup. The pain is far too intense and long lasting... more like a parent dying than just breaking up with someone. In fact it is just like a parent dying... the ideal parent you never had... only they are often still around, making it insanely tempting to try and get them back if you can... but if you do, it all happens again and again.

[Arminius]

Be easier on yourself...

The pwBPD love bombs you during the idealization phase. That mirroring and love bombing seems like unconditional love, the kind an infant needs from a parent. At some point you accept the pwBPD as a primary relationship... a psuedo-parent... and feel both the wonder of being a kid again and all your long repressed emotions both good and bad come out. When the pwBPD starts being clingy... it makes no sense... you are hooked and would never leave them... but just like you they are replaying very old wounds and behavior. When they end it or you do... you know something isn't normal about the breakup. The pain is far too intense and long lasting... more like a parent dying than just breaking up with someone. In fact it is just like a parent dying... the ideal parent you never had... only they are often still around, making it insanely tempting to try and get them back if you can... but if you do, it all happens again and again.

Everyone should read this.

[Split black]

Changed my number for the 2nd time it's been 2 days of nc. No doubt if she tried 2 contact me she's making good on her threats 2 ruin me. So far she hasn't been able to get thru to my ex with lies. I'm not relaxed. Ruminating like crazy.but keeping busy. I know this is withdrawal screaming. Hard not 2 think of the mad sex last Tues nite that triggered her delusional thinking. Last text I received sat was someone else using her phone to inquire why I was still texting her. Obviously he didn't see the 379 texts sent to me. Either that or she's full blown psychotic. I changed my number that minute. Hopefully with some time I will heal.

[Narellan]

SB only give your number out to people who are your friends not in contact with her and tell them u are removing her from yr life, or just send them all a text saying its now a private number please don't give my number out to anyone. That will save u having to change it again 

[Split black]

SB only give your number out to people who are your friends not in contact with her and tell them u are removing her from yr life, or just send them all a text saying its now a private number please don't give my number out to anyone. That will save u having to change it again 

I did that... .but I realized all her text came thru to my new number because its the same phone. I was holding on to the texts in case of some legal nonsense. But now I realize that in a moment of weakness I could text with my number. I need to lose those texts AND her number so I have no way to contact her in a stupid weak minded moment like Ive had so many other times.  Thanks for being here N. 

Its so strange... shes done the most heinous things, im convinced shes actively doing a smear job even now, no doubt frustrated she cant thru to my ex... .and yet I have a hard time holding on to these crimes against me, and keeping them fresh. This is for sure a physical and emotional addiction, or ptsd.  Ive never been addicted to a person. Ive never been addicted to anything... .except tennis and golf. Ugh.

I remember the first 3 months of NC before I relapsed. Those days were awful... .they were getting better... .but jezus was I miserable. Kind of like right now. I cant wait till I move next month. Wish it was tomorrow.

[Narellan]

I know exactly how it feels. NC ( or ST) has made me feel numb and sad the past 4 months. The only times I've felt truly happy were when he reached out two times during the past month. He attempted to make contact and I didn't respond but it still lifted my spirits. I feel good now. Much stronger and I'm doing things. Just the little things didnt even get done the past few months. I forgot appointments, couldn't do anything just feed my kids and go to work. Now I'm gardening, getting tax done, booked myself a holiday for next week , got my computer fixed, got a tradie on to do a job etc etc. all these were just things I couldn't address due to my grief. But in the past few weeks I've turned a corner and got a new job and I'm so excited about my holiday!

Progress!

If I caved and spoke to him I'd be exactly where you are SB. And worse because I'd be punishing myself for my actions, on top of being caught up in all his drama again.

It's good you discovered how she could still text you and put a boundary around that. I haven't blocked my ex from anything. I left his number in my phone under " do not answer this prick" so I'm reminded not to pick up when he does call .

It's working for me. I never answer my landline and he mostly calls that then I see the caller ID later. I'm lucky he's not being full on. Coming to my door crossed the line but he hasn't repeated that and I wasn't home so it was wasted effort on his part 

[Split black]

I know exactly how it feels. NC ( or ST) has made me feel numb and sad the past 4 months. The only times I've felt truly happy were when he reached out two times during the past month. He attempted to make contact and I didn't respond but it still lifted my spirits. I feel good now. Much stronger and I'm doing things. Just the little things didnt even get done the past few months. I forgot appointments, couldn't do anything just feed my kids and go to work. Now I'm gardening, getting tax done, booked myself a holiday for next week , got my computer fixed, got a tradie on to do a job etc etc. all these were just things I couldn't address due to my grief. But in the past few weeks I've turned a corner and got a new job and I'm so excited about my holiday!

Progress!

If I caved and spoke to him I'd be exactly where you are SB. And worse because I'd be punishing myself for my actions, on top of being caught up in all his drama again.

It's good you discovered how she could still text you and put a boundary around that. I haven't blocked my ex from anything. I left his number in my phone under " do not answer this prick" so I'm reminded not to pick up when he does call .

It's working for me. I never answer my landline and he mostly calls that then I see the caller ID later. I'm lucky he's not being full on. Coming to my door crossed the line but he hasn't repeated that and I wasn't home so it was wasted effort on his part 

I have mine under insane b*tch, . But it didnt stop me from allowing another recycle. Ive read over the 379 texts Ive received in the past month... .and there is a pattern. There was no endearment at all until the 1st time we slept together, but I was quickly turned black for not seeing her a week later on her day off... .it was only last tues when I went over late because she wanted some weed ( I dont even smoke anymore, i got it for her)  But she was high on pain killers and very loose and physical... the weed relaxed what little limitation she had... .and she blamed me for taking advantage of her... .I mean she actually sort of said that... .but then she went on to the I didnt use a condom... .( we never did) My tests came back clean btw thank god!  But she started saying I gave her something the very next day when she was sober... .( ludicrous)  It it just escalated in her head until I was pitch black again, and the verbal onslaught started until I changed my number... .along with never text or contact me again... .but then she kept at it... .and then the smear and outing threats... .  can you imagine her telling everyone I have some disease... and Im a addict... .who knows... .

What I do know is that any contact with her is mad stressful. Its anxiety provoking, and Im back to that shameful tolerating of a situation that I would NEVER have in the past. I sit and think of the times Ive walked away from red flags or a situation where I felt disrespected without blinking. That person is still me... .i have to resurrect that guy again and the only way is to get as far away from this toxic situation.  I believe Ive taken the 1st step changing my number twice. If another couple of weeks go by without incident I will loose all those texts and a couple of more weeks Im out of the area.

So now I have a new number with all her texts still on my phone. The pattern was mostly her asking and begging for substances and money... and to come to her NOW and then when I said no... .I got see this is why we are not together... blah blah... .but she would just keep at it and at it... .    The sex we had was A LOT more meaningful to me then it was to her... .  with her juggling a few guys, only she knows when its someones turn at bat... .and then of course there is her current bf on and off for 3 years now.

I think those texts on my phone as much as I want them for legal purposes are triggering me. My gut tells me I better just suck it up and hold on to them in case I need them.

[Narellan]

If you have an iPhone you can screen shot the texts then email them to yourself and put on a USB in case u need them for evidence. That way once you've copied the texts somewhere are u can remove her texts and number. Seems like a bit if work, but it will remove her from yr phone.

[Split black]

If you have an iPhone you can screen shot the texts then email them to yourself and put on a USB in case u need them for evidence. That way once you've copied the texts somewhere are u can remove her texts and number. Seems like a bit if work, but it will remove her from yr phone.

I have over 300 texts in a month... .that would be taking an individual shot of each text? Yikes. I had a horrible morning but the rest of the day was ok.

Im just getting on with the rest of my life. Shes not going to be a part of it. And Im leaving the area. This sadness is all in my head. Im the only one that can finally put it to rest. One week since I saw her... .3 days of NC.  Im more worried about what shes going to do in terms of contacting people and my ex... .and there is nothing I can do about it. I made this bed. I have to deal.

[Narellan]

All true SB. I would take photos of texts re her inviting you over that last time just in case she charges u with rape, or similar. If u can screenshot the page that says how many texts she's sent u? Also any damaging ones re she's going to ruin you etc. or u can just keep them all but don't read or contact her at all. Anything further will damage u on so many levels. X

[Split black]

All true SB. I would take photos of texts re her inviting you over that last time just in case she charges u with rape, or similar. If u can screenshot the page that says how many texts she's sent u? Also any damaging ones re she's going to ruin you etc. or u can just keep them all but don't read or contact her at all. Anything further will damage u on so many levels. X

I totally agree... .   thanks. Feeling much better about things tonight... Its not linear but I have clarity.

[Aussie JJ]

Split

I invite you to post in the NC thread... . we got 4 pages done and onto thread #2.  For me reading others efforts and venting when I can't understand helps me a lot.  

I have felt so alone in this and having others relating to what I am going through is so helpful.  Count them off one day at a time.  Give yourself a reward at 10 days then at 20, whatever it is that works for you.  I get to 15 days on Saturday and I've got tickets to go to a concert with a mate.  

Can I afford them, no, can I afford not to do something for myself anymore... . concentrate on you and be a bit selfish.