Summer is in full swing and starting today, my college town (i stayed here for the summer) shuts down Main St. and has live music and food and vendors from something like 5:30-9:00 or something like that. It brings out a ton of the town and is a great place to socialize and meet people. Some of you who have been here for awhile may remember me posting about this last summer- it was at one of these that I talked to my BPDex the last time, and went NC ( and have been NC since) afterwards.
Last summer I was in super bad shape having just split with the BPDex after finding her cheating again. We split the first week of May and went in and out of contact, me twice making it a month before breaking down and texting her. We talked for an hour or so one night on the phone around July 15th or so and by all means had a pretty good talk where she told me lots of things about her moving towns because she needs treatment for cancer, about how she split up with my replacement because she caught him cheating, etc (these all turned out to be lies). I got a wild hair moment and decided that the next Thursday I was going to make the 2 hour drive and go to the next Main St. show. My best friend from my hometown made the trip with me and for awhile it was great. We hung out with and walked down to the show with guys from my Fraternity (several "brothers" messed around with my BPDex while I lived there and we were together- I largely walked away from the organization this year in light of that betrayal, but there are still some solid dudes there). I was not yet 21 and at one point a handful of the older guys went into the bar where my BPDex had gotten a job at the beginning of the summer. Apparently she asked them if she could come over and party with us after she got off, and one of the guys who is really solid told her, "You need to ask Octoberfest. It's his house". I had no intentions of seeing my BPDex and in fact when I was standing outside the bar on the street as corny as it may sound I legitimately felt like there was evil radiating out from the place. She texted me asking, "Hey can I come over and hangout tonight without it being weird?". Her question took me by surprise and I told her no (not exactly what I said, but I don't remember so it wasn't anything too noteworthy). She didn't respond and I moved on with my night (she would be working the bar till 3 am anyways). Later once we got back to the Fraternity I noticed a group of the guys huddled together talking and looking over at me. I walked over and they said, "Octoberfest, <BPDex> told us she is engaged to <Replacement>. We thought you should know". I felt like someone hit me with a sledgehammer. This was the same replacement that she had told me on the phone not even a week ago she had dumped because she caught him cheating, and now she was engaged to him? It put a damper on the entire rest of the night and I proceeded to drink heavily. I sent her a text saying, "Still lying as always I see. Have fun with another failed marriage.". A few hours later as the night was winding down and she was off work ( so around 2:30-3:00) I sent another saying, "Got nothing to say?". She replied with, "Haha I was wondering what would and wouldn't get back to you". I sent a few more drunk, desperate texts that went unanswered and the next morning woke up and put all the pieces together. I found out later that she had only told SOME of the guys that went into the bar that she was engaged, and not others. That fact combined with her response to my text AND the fact that it turns out she really WAS NOT engaged, leads to the conclusion that she made the whole thing up and manipulated people simple because she knew it would hurt me. This realization infuriated me so that I sent a final text telling her to, "Stay away from my friends and I. Go live your own sh!tty life with the shi!tty people in it" and also blocked her number, going both ways.
That was 11 months ago. She left my college town a week after that night and moved back home, an hour away. She has been there since but has been back to visit "friends" (read: a girl she cheated on me with for several months of our relationship) as well whatever guy she has been dating here in town (there have been several in the past year since we split). As of now she still lives in her hometown but JUST started dating a new guy here in town (less than a month ago, she is still heavily in the idealization stage) and of course her "friend" is still here in town. She has also reconnected (over FB at least) with my former close friend (who had sex with her while we were involved, he is still here in town) and my former best friend (who made out with her while we were involved, he moved to go to school in her hometown).
My whole reason for writing all this up and posting this is that I have a sneaking feeling/suspicion that, if not tonight (it is the first one and the weather is a little bit sketchy), I will at some point see my BPDex at this event sometime this summer. With her dating a guy here in town and with her friend here, it just makes sense that she would come and attend one or more of these.
I am trying a new strategy with all of this... . it involves making a conscious effort and decision to get over her/be at peace with it all. I want to be able to see her and not freak out. While am not looking to have to interact with her at all, if for some reason I do find myself in a situation where I need to, I'd like to be able to do comfortably and without losing control of my emotions. In an attempt to achieve these goals I have been trying really hard to NOT focus on the major offenses or betrayals or instances of hurt that I experienced with her, the "good" times, or anything that evokes an emotional response. At the same time I have been making a large effort to remember how I felt on any given day with her. By and large I had thoughts and felt things along the lines of the following:
-I do not want to end up with or marry this girl. She has slept around way too much and is just not respectable
-Constant worrying about whether she is screwing around on me again
-Irritation at the fact that every formal event I took her to ended in her crying or causing conflict with other girls
-Never having many calm moments, there ALWAYS being a crisis to handle
-The uncomfortableness that was always present after I found out that she had been with guys that I trusted who were now living under the same roof as I was (in the Fraternity house)
-The fact that she could NEVER handle or be faithful or be a part of the lifestyle that I eventually want for myself
I am trying to remember and focus on the above, especially the
feelings like 2, 3, 4, and 5 in the above list, to keep it in perspective that she IS NOT a girl I want anything to do with, that I am worlds better off without her in my life, and that as such I have no reason to miss her or be upset when I see her out, even if she is with a new guy. All that means is that it is someone else dealing with the crazy... . I thought about it the other day and I calmed my own fears about her magically getting it together and making it work with some guy all of a sudden. I realized that you can't fix her type of cheating and lying in the 13 months it has been since we split up. It is one thing if you have never cheated, do so, see the impact it has on your loved one AND on you, and learn from your mistake and never do it again. It is an entirely different beast when you have a well, established pattern of dating multiple partners at once behind their backs and lying to make your world keep going round. "Fixing" the second issue involves breaking some deeply ingrained behavior patterns, as well as resolving the underlying issues which led you to that behavior in the first place. It simply isn't going to get fixed overnight, if EVER, and the fact that this new guy in town is relationship #5 since we split a year ago is evidence enough of that.
I thought about what my reaction would be (and what it has been in the past) if I saw any of the other girls I have been involved with (I have had sex with multiple girls, but only ever dated/fell in love with my BPDex). The overwhelming response that comes to mind is awkwardness. It is just awkward to interact with a girl who I've hooked up with in the past because by and large there wasn't much contact that took place afterwards. The awkwardness isn't a bad feeling, it is just a result of how things happened. Usually I'll even laugh at myself silently or visibly later on at how I had acted with the girl or at the situation I had found myself in with her. It isn't a negative experience at all. The fact that I can have this reaction with other girls makes me believe that I must be able to do it with my BPDex as well. I want to be able to see her, or even interact with her, and be able to say about it, "Holy sh!t was that a wild ride. I had no idea what was going on and I wound up on my ass. Thank God I learned that lesson and it is behind me.". That last part is CRITICAL- because for so long I have let my BPDex and who she is and what she did DEFINE who I AM. That is stupid.
With all this in mind, I guess what I am looking for from you guys are different positive perspectives or views I should keep in mind IF I DO see her out at this event, so that I can keep things in perspective and conduct myself accordingly. Keeping things in perspective is key- after all, I'd wager that in most cases on this board if the facts are looked at objectively it is a no-brainer that we are better off without our BPDex's in our lives. I am simply tired of letting someone run my life and control my emotions, when I haven't even had any direct contact with them in 11 months, and haven't seen them in person in 13. There is a whole lot of world out there passing me by... . it is a gorgeous summer out, with lots of gorgeous girls, and I am in my prime. It would be stupid to let someone so undeserving of my attention ruin it for me.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post... . it ended up being much, much longer than I anticipated. If nothing else, it feels good to get my thoughts down in writing
