Defective parts? Will a recall fix them?

[AsianSon]

A visit by my BPDm and enabling dad just ended.  My wife and children were edgy, and I tried to shield them by taking on most of the interactions.  I wasn't as good as I thought I would be given my practice ahead of time. 

This left me with a bad feeling that like an automobile that should be recalled because of bad parts, I was built with bad parts (or software/programming) that now need to be identified and fixed (rooted out) through a recall. 

I think seeing my BPDm consciously or unconsciously reminds me of the bad parts from from my childhood.  This brought up anger towards my parents and other things.  So energy used to manage that. 

And energy used to identify the bad parts, which seem overwhelming in number and severity, and to try to limit their effects.  So exhaustion sets in. 

And what are the right parts and how to install them?  Not always clear, and some seem to require a long journey, which leads me to frustration and more anger. 

Darn if we aren't as simple as cars!

I guess I am back in victim/survivor mode.  Time to revisit the Survivor Guide and begin climbing out again. 

A

[Tausk]

Hang in there.   I'm still in shock from a one week visit from my mom, sister and her three kids.  My sister is in full blown BPD and has health issues here.  It's so sad that I can't fix it.  And my mom triggers and takes it out on me.

It caused me to be depressed for two weeks and am only now getting out of it.  Nothing like FOO issues to bring us back to where we started.  But the truth is, we are far beyond where we started, and we know the path to recovery. 

Forgiving and accepting myself as a good person who is still trying helps me a lot. 

I hope that you can find compassion for yourself as well.

I think you're doing great.

T

[AsianSon]

Thank you for the encouragement, Tausk. 

And I think "right back at you" is in order given the recent visit by your family. 

You are of course correct, and with time, things will settle down and I will "bounce back."  I wish you the same (if not quicker) path to recovery. 

Cheers to you, me and all of us... .

A

[livednlearned]

Hi AsianSon,

Do you think maybe it's more like you have rebuilt the car in a way where it functions well, or is at least functioning better, and when your mom and dad come to visit, it's like they remove the fixed parts, pick up the broken parts, and start putting the car together the way they prefer it?

When I think about seeing my family, I know that staying with them will challenge boundaries. The only way to enforce boundaries is if I am willing to sacrifice the relationship. If I stay in a hotel or at friends, and limit my time and minimize my exposure, it is less likely they will disassemble my car.    The only way I can keep the car I have rebuilt is if I can get in and drive it when they are circling it with their tools.

One thing your post made me wonder, too, is if you feel the need to be good at everything you do -- which is perhaps common when you grow up with a narcissistic parent. It has been that way for me -- feeling like I had to be good at healing!

If you make the choice to have your parents stay with you, which is common for families to do, and things don't go as well as you imagined, it's ok. These are people who don't like your new, refurbished car, and they know exactly how to take it apart because they helped build the original.

Sorry if I'm taking the analogy too far, but I feel you are being so hard on yourself  

[Ziggiddy]

AsianSon - what a sad experience. How sad that the very people supposed to be helping you and magnifying you are rather the ones to work on sabotage. I guess they (your BPDm esp) don't like the shiny parts that they did not provide so must work to sully or dismantle. Put their own trademark stamp on.

I don't think you were manufactured with defective parts. Organic living breathing miracle you are, hm? A car or a piece of machinery you dismantle in a finite fashion. A living breathing miracle of life - not so much.

Prune a shrub of its dead wood and new branches flourish out in luxuriance. A car cannot grow a new tailshaft. (Trust me on this - my bank told me so!)

You have no doubt heard of neuroplasticity. by your own braintraining you have the marvellous opportunity to grow any which way you choose - branches waving wildly in the air, flowers all abud.

It's so SO understandable that the visit with your folks took the wind out but as you say you will recover. You're resilient like that.

i thought it quite brave of you to draw fire as it were from your family.

i have now had several interactions with my BPDm and am finding it eases a little each time. As I grow in confidence of my diagnosis of her, her actions become less painful and very slightly more predictable. And each time I stick with a boundary (despite my STRONG desire to fold) I feel a little closer to myself.

Thank you for posting this and I hope you find it easier in time. You seem like a nice person - you don't deserve to have to spend your life on eggshells

[AsianSon]

Do you think maybe it's more like you have rebuilt the car in a way where it functions well, or is at least functioning better, and when your mom and dad come to visit, it's like they remove the fixed parts, pick up the broken parts, and start putting the car together the way they prefer it?

Hi livednlearned,

Thank you very much for your reply.  It is very helpful to hear from others as considerate as you. 

The car analogy came up probably because of recalls being in the news.  I am certainly not a shiny new car by any means. 

I think I was doing ok when the visit led me to feelings of being overwhelmed by the problems with them and the negativity they spread.  I think they were triggering the "fleas" in me, while I was trying to deal with their behavior.  Feeling the fleas and not executing as well as I had hoped are probably most responsible for the defective feeling. 

So I don't think I let them rebuild me.  More of them making me feel like there are still things that are wrong and in need of work. 

For quite a while now, I have limited my contact with them.  But this visit was a specific reason that won't happen again for a few years. 

As for feeling the need to be good at everything I do, I think I was programmed to be the fixer/rescuer/improver.  As a child, this was part of keeping BPDm happy.  Failure wasn't really an option, and success wasn't ever enough.  I have made it a goal to change the behavior, and it is an ongoing task. 

Thank you again. 

A

[AsianSon]

Dear Ziggiddy,

Thank you very much for your soothing words.  I greatly appreciate your kindness. 

I don't think you were manufactured with defective parts. Organic living breathing miracle you are, hm? A car or a piece of machinery you dismantle in a finite fashion. A living breathing miracle of life - not so much.

Prune a shrub of its dead wood and new branches flourish out in luxuriance. A car cannot grow a new tailshaft. (Trust me on this - my bank told me so!)

You are of course correct in that we are all living miracles in our own way, and there are no simple parts for an organ transplant when it comes to emotional dysregulation like BPD. 

I'm very encouraged to hear about your increasing confidence in being with your BPDm.  I suspect that while I do my best to improve, my BPDm will just up her intensity because she has to have her way.  My appeasing/enabling father unfortunately goes along with her because she will add this to all that she already takes out on him. 

And I completely hear your "STRONG desire to fold" b/c I hear it too--loud and clear.  I also hear myself wanting to either lash back or try and reason with her.  Recently, controlling myself seems to drain me rather than give me any kind of strength or relief.  Perhaps this will also change over time. 

Thank you again, and peace to us all. 

A