Why can't I leave?

[Panda39]

Stayorleave

Get out now. Run for the hills and don't look back. You have hit the nail on the head... . these relationships are like drug addiction. In order to survive them you need to get out get a good therapist and stay away from her and her toxic ways.

As good as the highs are the lows are worse than hell. Walking g away is the hardest thing you will ever do but also the thing you will ever do for yourself. She isn't going to get better... . ever. You said you are just about 30. Do you really want  to live your life like this?  It is a long road to recovery from a BPD. Get on that road now!  It doesn't ... . She doesn't get better.  Save yourself.

Yes this! If you were my son this would be my advice.  You deserve so much more. Don't get in any deeper.

[StayOrLeave15]

I see my thread has been moved from Staying to Undecided.  That is probably accurate given how things have been going.   

The update is that she and I are again technically a couple.  However, I've come to a bit of an epiphany.  I will be okay without her.  Let me say that again.  I WILL BE OKAY WITHOUT HER. 

How did this happen?  Well, I've been working very hard in therapy to build my self-esteem.  Doing a lot of reading and reflecting. Trying to figure out WHY she seems so necessary to my life and why I think I would fall apart without her.  I'm realizing that I am falling apart with her, as others said, she is tearing me down.  I'm learning so much about boundaries in my life, and with her there are none.  I've taken a personal inventory of what I want in my life and in a relationship.  She fulfills neither.  I stay because I am comfortable with her, but guess what? When you stay in a place that is comfortable you do not make any significant change.

In some ways meeting this pwBPD is the best thing that could have happened to me.  It has forced me to look in the mirror and figure out who I am as a person - not who I think I should be for others.  She has taken me to the darkest places of my soul and put me through such pain, but I know when I come out of this I will be stronger. 

So what's the plan? Right now I am disengaging. Trying to put some distance in the relationship and she how she reacts.  Hopefully she will end it on her own - I do fear her reaction and retaliation if I do it.   

I used to count the minutes until she would come over and stare at my phone waiting for her text or call.  Now I'm indifferent.  I'm interested to see how she reacts to this because I know she will sense it.  My only worry is her physical attractiveness.  She is very beautiful and seductive and I don't want that to pull me back in.  However, my shattered confidence is returning.  I feel good about myself.  I feel like I have self-worth.  I've been getting unsolicited female attention.  I am not an arrogant person, but these things help when your sense of self has been shattered by a pwBPD.   

The end is near my friends.  I see her for what she is.  Not a bad person, but someone who has a disorder.  I know her games.  I know how she tries to push my buttons.  I hope I have the strength to keep my boundaries and not let my self-esteem be stepped on any longer and to resist her siren's call - that beautiful little damsel in distress who says she is nothing without me.  But from this person I have experienced some of the worst pain of my entire life.  I have seen the light, which is that I deserve better - whether with another woman or by being single - and I will never let someone hurt my self-esteem like she has again.  To be continued... .

PS - I believe in democracy and as for all the "Leave" votes I think the majority will rule on this one 

[LilHurt420]

I still miss him. The him I thought was him.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.  It is so clear that I have to leave and initiate NC. 

The six words Narellan said are what jumped out to me the most.  If we only look at the highs in our partners and write off the lows, we are only deluding ourselves.  And yes, it is early in the relationship.  I don't want the rest of my life to be like this.

I've been telling myself, "I'll leave her when I get to a better place" or "Things are going to get better."  But that is simply not true. 

1. Staying with her will put me in a worse place.

2. Things are not going to get better.  She is only going to get worse.

I need to remove myself from the situation, get through the withdrawal, and move on with my life. 

She tells me she loves me.  But if you loved someone, would you do the things you know hurt them the most?  Hold them hostage by their emotions and terrorize them with anger?  Act like a child with tantrums and silent treatments? No. That is not love.  That is emotional terrorism and pure cruelty. And I will not put up with it anymore. 

I just hope I have it in me to let it end.  Not go running back.  Don't take her bait.  Get on with my life and end the fear and suffering.  Because I have realized I live in fear on a daily basis.  Fear of her anger.  Fear of her rage.  Fear of how she is going to hurt me next.  I need to get out. 

I also said to myself "I'll leave when I'm in a better place"... .I said it for years.  Now we're married with a son and another kid on the way and I feel stuck in this situation.

I know how hard it is to leave.  I was there years ago before having kids and even before moving in together.  I didn't have this board or didn't even know what was wrong with my husband, but knew something was off.  I know how hard it is.  But please use this board as a way to see your future.  You do need to get out.  You will be so much happier.  I wish you luck!

[StayOrLeave15]

Here we are a week later.  She has felt me pulling away and has had two different extreme reactions:

1. Smothering me with love.  Not an hour passes without a declaration of love from her and telling me what a huge part of her life I am.  It actually gets annoying because they are messages of no real substance interrupting my day.  And then because I live in fear of her rage if I don't answer her quickly... .which leads to: 

2. Doing everything she can to control me.  She wants to know where I am and what I am doing every minute of the day.  If I don't answer her texts quickly she gets very upset and then I have to spend lots of time and effort to assure her I love her.

Today she flipped out because I told her I had been invited to dinner with friends last minute.  She insists on me telling her the instant I've made plans so she started demanding to know when I was invited.  She wants a screenshot with the time from my phone.  I've been working on stronger boundaries so I refuse.  Of course she becomes dysregulated and goes on a tirade. 

So I take a step back and look at this.  Her behavior puts me in a no-win situation.  If I give her what she wants, it is yet another blow to my self-esteem and it lets her continue to control me.  If I refuse she becomes dysregulated and a fight ensues. 

I've read this thread over and over, and said in my earlier posts that I will leave her once I rebuild my self-esteem.  But it is the other way around.  My day-to-day functioning is impaired because I live in fear of her rage.  What kind of relationship is that?  It's a dysfunctional one. Every time she pulls some behavior like today it breaks me a little bit more.  But that isn't me.  I am strong.  I will not be broken.  I am a "fixer" by nature, but there is no fixing this person.  Please let me find the strength inside myself to be without her, because every day that I stay, I am hurting myself more. 

[Panda39]

StayOrLeave15.

If your last post was written by a friend, what advice would you give him? 

[amigo]

I know this thread is a few days old, but this is exactly my desperate question right now.

Why can't I leave. WHY?

All of your posts resonate with how I feel. I am an emotional addict to a person who abuses me.

Actuallly I am not technically in the r/s anymore. The uBPD/NPD exbf just recycled me a month ago, now after two weeks of silent treatment asked to go to dinner tonight. I couldn't, because I am working, but I wanted to see him so badly.

I suggested tomorrow, but he says he is busy tomorrow. I am certain he only says this, because he is punishing me for not giving him instant gratification. I know he has his day off tomorrow. So now I texted to suggest Saturday. No response  - of course. I am disgusted with myself for sending the message. Have I no self esteem whatsoever? I feel sick to my stomach for letting him manipulate me like this. Things happen only on his terms now. He knows I am game and he enjoys torturing me with not responding.

I want it to stop! I wanted one last interaction to prove to myself that I don't like him, that it is time to move on, but right now I am just desperately wanting another "hit". He is not attractive to most people, but like a lot of you describe, unlike any other man, he knows how to stroke my hair, kiss me tenderly, hold me after sex, just the typical movie chemistry stuff. why does his absence hurt? Why can't my rational mind win over my emotions? What does it take for me to wake up and gather the strength to end this torture?

I wish everyone on this thread strength and courage. I know how much it hurts. Sharing here helps so much. I don't want to stop writing, because as soon as I am silent and with my own thoughts it starts to burn like acid in my chest again.

I will attempt to meditate now and work for detachment. I am sending my love to all of you now, instead of to him. Peace. Om.

[Narellan]

Quote "  He is not attractive to most people, but like a lot of you describe, unlike any other man, he knows how to stroke my hair, kiss me tenderly, hold me after sex, just the typical movie chemistry stuff. why does his absence hurt?"

My exact words. The tenderness is what I miss. From anyone looking on, he is clearly not a catch. He himself said he had " raised the bar" by going out with me. Which meant I lowered mine. Why? Because he gave me something I've never had before. And I loved him with every part of me. I have a lot more work to do answering these exact questions.

NC helps me. But lately I'm tormented when he reaches out for me because my feelings are still there. I just have a lot more knowledge now and can never have him back. But the longing is still there. I just have faith that in time that will dissipate a bit. I pray for him to be out of my head and heart.

[amigo]

Narellan, I share your pain! I am crying as I read this, but partly because it feels so good to have someone who understands.

I am also "way out of his league" - to quote my friends, physically, educationally, financially. But he gives me something I crave so much.

I have to run, but I wanted to thank you for being here and sharing. And encourage you to stay N/C  - I want to know that it can be done! It seems to be the only way.

[Heartandsole]

This thread resonates with what I am going through and I wanted to share the poem below that was shared with me.  It helps me to read when I'm tempted to recycle the relationship, to keep trying and to believe the words of my uBPDw when she wants to work some more, or has had an epiphany about our problems or says it will be different. 

I am absolutely tortured by the screaming parrots on my shoulders screeching in my ears... .The one on my left has a rational mind and in moments of clarity tells me that it is not in my best long term interest or her best interest to stay in this relationship.  I have seen the pattern over the years and I can see the rails of this roller coaster going UP and Down as it fades into the horizon.  "Get off now or you will be wishing you had not waited later on it says."  Pull the plug, rip off the bandaid... .your deserve to be respected as you are a good man with a loving heart!

The parrot on the right says: "If you truly love her, stay and try to help her.  Work harder, love stronger, don't quit and admit defeat, she's got great qualities, you two have shared so much, it's not all that bad- every marriage has issues.  It could be you that needs to change, why are you stubborn? Look introspectively, have you done EVERYTHING you could... .be honest!  Maybe you really are the source of the problems.  She is smart, she's been telling you for years to work on yourself.  You are being selfish and throwing away all that history and all that potential.  C'mon stay and try some more, it will be worth it!

Why do I carry a parrot on each shoulder?  Because there is nothing left between the two of them. Their conversation echoes around in the empty chamber where my self respect used to reside.

I am at a crossroads of two streets as many of you are.  I'm tempted to go down the same one I've walked for 15 years... .it's a habit.  I know that street.  It's full of bomb-holes where landmines have gone off when I step on the triggers.  I walk around the old holes... .but I can't stop stepping on the unlimited triggers dammit.  I think I'll get off this rollercoaster and walk down a new street.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters from "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying"

Chapter I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost... .I am hopeless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in this same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in... .it's a habit... .but,

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

- Portia Nelson

[StayOrLeave15]

Well here we are, one month after the beginning of this thread.  The relationship is OVER.  I have gotten off the roller coaster. 

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

Am I in pain? YES

Is it as bad as I expected? NO

As I have said in earlier posts I have learned so much about myself through this relationship.  I have gone through some of the worst pain of my life.  But I have seen what is important both in a relationship and in LIFE. 

I don't think she is going to try and recycle me.  I have made a firm commitment to NC. Social media and connections like that have been cut off and blocked in every which way. 

I really don't think I could have gotten through this six months - although it feels like a years-long relationship - without these boards and this community.  I was living in Oz and beginning to think that her behavior was normal and I was the crazy one. A healthy relationship does not:

- Demand to look through texts and emails on my phone

- Tell me who I can and cannot see or hang out with

- Demand to be told every time I leave my home and where I am going and what I am doing

- Delete contacts in my phone, social media, etc.

- Throw a temper tantrum and give a silent treatment at the slightest thing

My therapist says I was "getting something out of this relationship".  He said I was using it as a way to stay stuck in bad patterns and not move on in life.  My rationalization was "I'll get to a better place and then leave the relationship" but the truth is I could have never gotten to a better place while still in this relationship.

Do I miss her? Yes and no.  I miss the idealized version of her.  The beautiful, loving, caring side. But then I remind myself.  The anger. The isolation. The fear she instilled in me.  The pure cruelty.  I don't miss that and I am happy to be a free man.

Did I lose part of myself in this relationship? Yes. But I also found part of myself and that means so much more.  I will never let myself be put in a situation like this again and I thank God that I was able to escape early before there was any co-mingled finances, children, marriage, etc. 

I am feeling a little down from the loss.  But it isn't the loss of her.  It is the loss of the IDEA OF WHAT SHE WAS.  And that is simply a fantasy and not real.  The rational side of me sees that all day, but the emotional side still hurts a bit.  But it's time to get on with life.  Take care of myself. Maybe take a little trip somewhere. Reconnect with the friends from whom she cut me off. 

For those of you that are undecided and are early off in a relationship I really have to emphasize the importance of getting out.  It is for your own well-being.  Read people's experience on the Staying board and what they have to go through on a daily basis.  Do you want to be responsible for the actions and emotions of two people while having your own self-esteem destroyed? Life is too precious and that is no way to live.  Rip off that band-aid and get on with your life.  Best of luck and hugs to all.

[KrisK7]

Wow. This... .this really hits home for me. No one in my life can really understand how I'm so willing to work though every indiscretion with her and forgive her for all the things she's done to me.

The love I feel for her could put stars right into the sky. Move mountains. I sometimes feel like I could live in misery for the rest of my day if I could just stay with her. She makes me so happy in one day that I'm addicted. Utterly addicted to her and how she makes me feel on the good days. Everything about her. Her beauty, her ambition, her laugh, her smile, the way she holds me and the way she needs me. It's the most gorgeous thing I've ever found. Just such a profound love. I could never imagine feeling this way about someone. And now... .well now she doesn't seem to care at all. She wants me gone. Just out of nowhere. In the blink of an eye.

Where did my baby go? Where did the love of my life go?

And who is this stranger?

[StayOrLeave15]

Where did my baby go? Where did the love of my life go?

And who is this stranger?

KrisK7 - it is the absolute worst feeling to experience.  To love and to lose is one thing; it is something that happens in healthy relationships when two people aren't meant to be.  But a relationship with a pwBPD is not a normal one.  It is one that is subject to the emotional volatility of your partner, and the disorder they have can make them turn on a dime.

Unfortunately, the other side of that coin is that they can take you to the highest of highs.  The logical side of you tells you that this relationship isn't good - as you said, "live in misery for the rest of my day" - but the emotional side of you is saying she is filling a void inside you and that you need her.  pwBPD have the capacity to make you feel on top of the world and madly in love as well as make you feel like an utterly worthless piece of garbage. 

The way my therapist put it to me, and I mentioned in my last post, is that I did not really love her but rather the idea of what she was.  That said, it isn't easy to let go of.  It hurts like hell.  But in the big picture you, I, and mostly everyone else here would be better off in a healthier relationship.  These relationships can hurt, bruise, and stomp all over your heart and soul.  But there is hope after them.  I am currently working toward that myself.

This stranger is part of her and it could come out at any time.  The worst part about a BPD partner is that the better things get, (i.e., when there is stability), often the more their fear of abandonment kicks in and they will do something to sabotage the relationship and thus make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.  And out comes the stranger that you mentioned.

I hope you can try to take a step back and see if you really loved her or the person you THOUGHT she was.  How long have you been together?  Try and be good to yourself and don't get lost in the fantasy.  Best of luck my friend.

[KrisK7]

Where did my baby go? Where did the love of my life go?

And who is this stranger?

KrisK7 - it is the absolute worst feeling to experience.  To love and to lose is one thing; it is something that happens in healthy relationships when two people aren't meant to be.  But a relationship with a pwBPD is not a normal one.  It is one that is subject to the emotional volatility of your partner, and the disorder they have can make them turn on a dime.

Unfortunately, the other side of that coin is that they can take you to the highest of highs.  The logical side of you tells you that this relationship isn't good - as you said, "live in misery for the rest of my day" - but the emotional side of you is saying she is filling a void inside you and that you need her.  pwBPD have the capacity to make you feel on top of the world and madly in love as well as make you feel like an utterly worthless piece of garbage. 

The way my therapist put it to me, and I mentioned in my last post, is that I did not really love her but rather the idea of what she was.  That said, it isn't easy to let go of.  It hurts like hell.  But in the big picture you, I, and mostly everyone else here would be better off in a healthier relationship.  These relationships can hurt, bruise, and stomp all over your heart and soul.  But there is hope after them.  I am currently working toward that myself.

This stranger is part of her and it could come out at any time.  The worst part about a BPD partner is that the better things get, (i.e., when there is stability), often the more their fear of abandonment kicks in and they will do something to sabotage the relationship and thus make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.  And out comes the stranger that you mentioned.

I hope you can try to take a step back and see if you really loved her or the person you THOUGHT she was.  How long have you been together?  Try and be good to yourself and don't get lost in the fantasy.  Best of luck my friend.

That makes alot of sense.

I wish I could say it the just the idea of her that I was in love with, but I have to admit the truth to myself. I love her. I love her in all of her craziness. Even in her worst states, even through abuse, I know that I love everything in her. Does that mean I'm willing to accept her abuse and allow it? Absolutely not. But I would never want to change who she is. I love her for everything she is. I just want her to moderate her own behavior. But now it seems like the woman who once was willing to work on it, just suddenly doesn't care about me anymore. Out of the blue. I don't even know where to find my feet because there was no incident. Nothing happened. She just quit. We've been together for a year.

[StayOrLeave15]

KrisK7 - I wish I had something to say to make it better.  I understand that you love her for who she is. The difficult part is that the moderation you are looking for rarely occurs with pwBPD.  That's why the highs feel so good and is part of the appeal.  I feel your pain and am in the same place right now but am doing my best to move on. If you've read my older posts you'll see that I knew this for a while and was unable to do so.

I still think about her all the time and care about her but then I remember all the pain she caused me and how she systematically destroyed my self-esteem and I tell myself that the pain I am feeling now is less than the pain of staying with her. Perhaps you can take a personal inventory and see what matters most to you. It will likely hurt either way, but the key is finding which choice is best for you overall.

[Eduardo15]

SOL-

New to the board and just read this thread from the beginning. I swear every word you said, it was like I wrote the post myself. The highs/the lows. She was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.

However I waited 2 1/2 years, and after an engagement for me to end it. You are spot on, I ended it once the pain of being with her was worse than the pain of being without her. I was completely and totally broken as a person, was impossible to continue.

I was in the back and forth mode you were, but for the majority of our relationship. We got engaged 2 years in, because she absolutely needed it then or she was moving on. I knew how badly I wanted to be with her, it felt so wrong at the time, but I just held on that things could be different. "How could someone who is so loving, caring, dedicated to building a stable life, family, everything she never have, not be able to be better?"

I kicked the can down the road, we did couples counseling, even coupled dbt, and maybe I wasn't informed enough, but it was nowhere near enough.

I split with her 4 months ago, and my anger and resentment toward her had finally resided enough that I missed her, and went to visit. What a mistake. We had a great weekend, was so happy and felt so close to her, she wanted me to commit before I left that she could come move back and be with me.  I really almost took the bait, I wanted to, but had that awful uneasy feeling that I knew it still wasnt right.

Needless to say when I got home, and was debating with myself and family/friends (who each and everyone told me they thought it was a bad idea), her old signs came back. Exploded at me, attacked a friend of mine through text to him, just the same daily chaos I made excuses for in the past.

Still all those feelings came back, and ive been miserable. I just want so bad to make things work, but at least I have been strong enough to know it cant be.

I do have regrets though, and I do blame myself for some of it. I was in the back and forth you were for way too long. More than once, an episode so bad happened that I told her she had to take care of the BPD, and we would make baby steps, therapy, couples dbt, etc... I dont think I realized how intense of a disorder this was, and how intense of therapy of life changes would be needed to make progress.

I live in chicago, and there are a few places that she could have gone for full day therapy, 5 days a week for a month, 2 months, however long they thought she needed. I hate myself that I really first knew of these places, or knew that something like was really needed after I really think its too late. I should have known seeing a therapist once a week never would give us the change and progress we need.

Thats where I struggle right now. The what if? What if instead of me being in lala land, jsut hoping and praying things would get better, I told her we need to attack this head on, we need to make this our number one prioity in life, we need to get you the help you need. Its tragic to me, and something I guess I'll never know.

[StayOrLeave15]

Eduardo -

The pain without is beyond bearable, but I know that the pain with her is even worse.  I am doing my best to stay away from her.  Talking to a few other girls even if I'm not that interested.  Reaching out to friends and family all the time.  Just trying to stay busy.  But she is on my mind all day.  My home feels empty without her. 

I do feel completely broken.  When I am around others I have to "fake it" and "put on a happy face".  I've been drinking a lot even though I know that isn't a healthy way to cope.  My post a couple days ago said I was doing well, but the pain is coming in now and it is coming in strong.  The weekend is going to be especially tough because I am going to be imagining her out with someone else, being with them, having sex with them, etc.  This may lead me to make bad decisions.

I guess it's just a matter of time before one feels better?  Honestly, I didn't even really like her as a person.  That is, she annoyed me and we disagreed about almost everything.  But we had (or it felt like we had) such a deep connection that I could never find with anyone else.  She accepted and EMBRACED my imperfections and allowed me to show all my vulnerabilities to her.  Thus, I feel wounded and jaded about interacting with females again.  She has made me put up a strong guard because I cannot let anyone ever hurt me like this again.

I wish I had never met her.  But on the other hand perhaps this will make me a stronger and better person in life.  I'm only 30 and have a lot of life to live ahead of me.  But right now, the pain of this loss is omnipresent in my daily life and emotions and it is something I just have to get through. 

[SeekerofTruth]

This is a very well written board with a lot of very good responses.  I just went NC a few days ago with a this is it attitude.  I began to slip this evening, yearning lonely and sorta mildly anxious, a began to fantasize about having sex with her... .and I almost emailed her... .had it already written in my head... .but there for the grace of God, do I post on her instead.  Man o man.  This post really inspires me.  we actually got divorced 3 weeks ago but the judge is not going to enter it until the 1st week of September.  I'll likely post more of my musings on a separate board.  However, I would do well to cut and paste some the responses, because they illuminate the essence of going NC is to give your self time away from the toxicity and begin your recovery process in earnest.  I had an ugly contested divorce.  10 days before the trial she told she still had hopes we would grow old and gray to together after amazing sex... .possibly the last time at my place.  Then 5 days later told me she could not wait till the divorce was over, she could not wait to loose the shame of her last name.  And so on and so forth.  I could not find the quote, but I think it was on this board.  somebody mentioned making a decision and exiting now... .otherwise  years later you will be saying the same thing all over again.  I vouch 100% in the truism of that.  It's painful to look back at stuff I wrote 2 years ago... .and I'm still writing at that angle from another angle... .oblivious to my having been swallowed up by her and in the process of drowning... .she is not the buoy, I need to swim ashore... .with an every man for himself type urgency and steadfast determination.  The addiction is invisible... .for 1-2 hours of bliss, I eventually waste 80 hours of time and energy chasing my tail... .to have those next 80 hours to  myself... .could it be analogous to detoxing? 

Get out now. Run for the hills and don't look back. You have hit the nail on the head... . these relationships are like drug addiction. In order to survive them you need to get out get a good therapist and stay away from her and her toxic ways.

As good as the highs are the lows are worse than hell. Walking g away is the hardest thing you will ever do but also the thing you will ever do for yourself. She isn't going to get better... . ever. You said you are just about 30. Do you really want  to live your life like this?  It is a long road to recovery from a BPD. Get on that road now!  It doesn't ... . She doesn't get better.  Save yourself.

This sober me... .particularly during moments of slippery slop ambivalence.  God I miss her flesh like a dope fiend misses crack, heroin, or cocaine, or what have you.  But it's a mirage... .a fantasy... .and that makes me angry, especially from the perspective that in order to take care of myself I need to have to let her go... .and that can be painful and hurt.  She is so much smarter than crack and heroin.  But withdrawing and detoxing so that I can become well again and recovery is a good kind of pain... .I tell myself!