Trying to undermine me

[Youcantfoolme]

 I've posted on here a few times about my uBPDsil. She painted me black a long time ago and I'm not really sure why. I was nothing but nice to her the few times I met her but for some reason she decided she didn't like me. My mom thinks I'm crazy, but I literally think it was what I wore to a BBQ at her house, that set her off! I came later in the day and wasn't planning on swimming or anything so I wore a knee length flowy sun dress, with a pair of wedge heels (the kind that look like a cork). As soon as I walked in she commented on my shoes. She seemed really upset that I was wearing heels. She was insisting I take them off and get comfortable. She even offered to give me flip flops. When we left, even my husband found it odd that she was so concerned about my choice of footwear!

There were little things here and there after that. My brothers ex owed him some money and she told him she couldn't repay him because she didn't have a job. I found out from someone that she was indeed working so I text him to let him know. This was when he first started dating his current BPD wife. For whatever reason, he told his BPD and she twisted me telling him his ex found employment so she could pay him pack, to me trying to get them back together! That would never be the case being that his ex cheated on him throughout their entire engagement!

When they got engaged, after only 6 months of knowing each other, I congratulated him. I complimented the ring he got and asked where he got such a beautiful ring? My mom thought he said it was from Tiffany's so I asked him if it was indeed a Tiffany's ring and he told me that it was a replica and he had it made.  Just making conversations, I asked him what jeweler did it. It came out beautiful! My brother then texted my mom and told her to tell me to stop asking so many questions about the ring! His BPD  got all mad because she thought I was trying to find out how much he paid. I really wasn't though. I was just trying to show interest.

When the wedding rolled around, my husband was asked to be the best man & my son was asked to be the ring bearer. I wasn't included in the wedding. I was hurt but didn't want to make an issue of it so I kept my feelings to myself. I went about my business and purchased a dress to attend the wedding as a guest. When I told my brother about the dress one night, over the phone, I heard her telling him to ask what color it was and where I got it from. I wasn't quite sure how to explain the color so I told him is was a burgundy/purple color. One day, a few weeks later he popped up at my house unannounced. While he was here I pulled out the dress to show him. I thought his wife was concerned about the color clashing so I figured I'd show him and he can explain it to her. I held the dress up for all of ten seconds and he glanced at it and said, "oh nice" and went back to texting on his  phone. About an hour after he left I received a Text from him asking me how long the dress was. Along with that he gave me a whole lecture about appropriate wedding attire for women! The dress was not distasteful. I have very honest friends and family and if they thought it was inappropriate they would tell me. I don't dress very provocatively.

In my entire life, my brother had never once commented on my clothing choices. I knew it wasn't coming from him. When I to

[Youcantfoolme]

Oops pressed send too soon.) I got very offended from his text and his lecture. He told me the dress looked like lingerie! I guess because it was a shiny satin material?  He was insisting I return the dress. Even after explaining that I couldn't return it because it was past the stores return policy, she still insisted I get a new dress! She even went as far as going to the store to find my dress and try it on! She actually admitted this to my mom but later changed her story! I still don't know what the purpose of her trying it on was. We have two different bodies.

Anyway the dress turned everything into an all out war. She dragged innocent family members into it too and it got really ugly in the months leading up to the wedding. She was mad that no one in my family was calling her up and offering to help her or plan her shower. Keep in mind we had only met her 4-5 times at this point! She was like a virtual stranger. She got in fights with my cousin, his girlfriend & my mom. One night she showed up to my house at ten pm, completely unannounced to "apologize". All she did though, was put the entire blame on my brother. I wanted to have a grown up discussion with her but anytime I asked her a question she started yelling, "this isn't what I came here for!". All she did was lie. It didn't end well.

This all resulted in me, my husband and my son not being invited to the wedding followed by 8 months of no contact until my brother showed up at my house one day, (he had finally admitted to our mom that she was the reason all this was happening he also told my mom he suspects she has BPD).he apologized and told me he was seeing a therapist to try to learn how to deal with his wife! He told me, me and could have a relationship but it would have to be kept secret for now. I told him is be here if he needed me. They were fighting and she was calling him incessantly during our short conversation. When he answered she was screaming at him telling him she's done, and sick of his ___ and his stuff was out on the lawn. He left and told me he'd be back but he never came back.

Briefly the next day we spoke and I informed him I was here no matter what. I also told him I was planning a party for our mom and I'd like him to come. I didn't hear from him for weeks after that so I emailed him and told him how I felt. That I didn't understand what his wife's problem was with me and that I think it's ridiculous we have to sneak around to talk, behind her back. I never heard back from him. I saw them two times in the last month at a party. My brother didn't even say hi to me or my husband and son. He wasn't allowed to.

Last weekend he called one of our aunts and asked if anyone was having a party for my mom. I already told him I was but he pretended like he didn't know. He told her he'd like to have a party at his house. My aunt informed him I was already having one. A few days later he called my mom and almost blew the surprise. I feel like his wife is putting him up to this so she can ruin my party. I feel like she will stop at nothing to destroy me and make me look bad. She even made him tell my aunt that they want me to help with their party yet I've tried reaching out to my brother in many ways since I saw him and he ignored me but he won't answer. I friend requested him on Facebook and he accepted. The next day he deactivated his acct. then a week later he reactivated it but he unfriended me! I know, at this point there's nothing I could do. I don't even want a relationship with her. I just feel as if she is trying to screw up my party for my mom somehow.

I don't really need advice. Maybe just a hug and some support. I really try hard not to get involved in her games. I know she's trying to bait me right now but I am not falling for it. It seems as if she can't be happy unless she's actively hating me! Is this normal? Why do these people do this? Is staying completely silent and ignoring her attempts to stir the pot, the best thing to do, or will it only cause he to try harder? I'm at a total loss here! I really don't know how to play her game.

[enlighten me]

Hi YCFM

This is an aspect of BPD that had me confused.

My exgf has always had a problem with my children from a previous marriage. She has never said it outright but one time when I was having them she even took her children away for the week.

I believe she is threatened by you. You and your brother I guess are close or at least were.

With my ex I see that the children where a reminder of my ex wife but she also knew that given a choice between her and my sons then she would lose.

With you and your brother it is probably because she knows how close you are and that is a threat to her.

[Youcantfoolme]

Enlighten, you hit the nail on the head. My brother even told me in the one conversation we had, that she is threatened by how close we are. My problem is, yes we are close. Ok, but that doesn't mean I have some Jedi mind control over him! Does he value my opinion? Sure, I value his as well but that doesn't mean I always follow it. I guess it goes with the Black & white thinking. There's no gray area. She made a judgement about me long ago and won't see it any other way.

That's probably what was going on with your ex too. My UexBPD was pretty much jealous when I spent time with anyone who wasn't him. He didn't really want me doing anything without him. However, even though I knew I'd never hear the end of it, he would never stop me from seeing my family. Certain things, for example, he didn't want me hanging out alone with my guy friends, I respected. If I thought of it, I don't know how comfortable I would've been if it were him hanging out with a girl, all alone. He would get jealous when I spent time with my cousins or even my brother but I'd just laugh and tell him he was crazy. I would still make time for my family. My brother however, just seems completely brainwashed. I guess because he had more at stake. He lives in HER house, drives HER Mercedes (that was supposedly a wedding gift) and they're married. Mine was just a boyfriend. There was no other strings attatched

[enlighten me]

The problem is that she knows your close. Your brother has probably told her a lot about you and how your opinion is important to him or how he respects you. This is a massive threat to a BPD because there is someone who may upset the apple cart. Who might have enough influence to make their partner leave. Remember that their emotions swing wildly so a slight concern can all of a sudden seem like impending doom.

[funfunctional]

Yes.  WOW she likes to stir the pot.   All the drama drama and attempts to divide.  So you are right on with her and her behavior.    I do think you are right about the shoes.    Funny because as upset as she was about you asking about a ring you were admiring she was so focused on your shoes.   You must be prettier than her and have a better figure.  LOL    Her even taking that much interest in your dress and trying to control what you wore is ridiculous.    She kept poking and poking until she got her drama.   Can't believe she didn't invite all of you to wedding.   That is just AWFUL (BPD!)

My husband and I have drawn an imaginary brick wall around his mother (BPD) and our life.      The smallest smallest comment could be turned into months of insanity.  Exhausting!  Sadly my husband had to shut off BPD mom 3 years ago.   Now she blatently makes stuff up.  It is rather funny.  What BPD mom did was HORRIBLE and unforgiving.    We won't ever get an apology from her.    Done.

So I feel for you and so happy you see thru it all.     

We are all here to talk as you go thru this stuff. 

Good luck.