BPDex makes things worse when i try to improve it

[MentalMarathon]

I've done literally EVERYTHING I can to prove to my ex that I love her. Even taking care of her emotionally, physically, and mentally has just been twisted into somehow being a way to control her. She says and tells people that I didn't love her, I just wanted to control her. Example: We're arguing, she says I don't care about her, I remind her that if I didn't; I wouldn't be financially taking care of her for many months, that is just turned into "rubbing it in her face. I've been doing well till today. Really missing her even though she's done some really messed up things; something that seems to be common I've read. She blames me for everything, then excuses her actions/words. It doesn't help that her crazy mom is on the sideline feeding her a lot of this. I know because some of the things she said are verbatim things her mom said in the past.

I don't want to give up on her. I'm trying to find a way to let her know that I even bought an extra ticket to a concert one of our favorite bands is playing. I'm trying to make it a peace offering, get us to reasonably discuss our breakup like adults (though I know I'm dealing with an emotionally stunted person), and rekindle things between us with a mutually awesome time. I think it may just be seen as a tactic to regain control...

Basically, I don't know what to do. There just seems to be nothing I can say to her but I'm unable at this point to let go. Having the same problems I've read others have had; even really not being done with my BPDex. I broke things off and kicked her out after she slapped me. She apparently "fell out of love with me months ago, only stayed because she didn't want to be homeless (even though I offered to help her fly home if she wanted/she had friends that would have let her stay), then it changes to she only stayed to use/hurt me like I supposedly did, then she stayed in Texas because she had already started falling for someone else.

Quick note on that. This was a guy she worked with for less than a month prior to this. She originally really missed her family (she mentioned it often) and was bought a ticket back. Instead, she stays here to be with a guy that has already pushed her away (or she did) and she barely knew.

We've talked through Facebook but it's always the same. Hateful words from her, me trying to stay calm, I have motives for talking calm, then how dare I get mad if I do, I'm on the defensive the entire conversation till she's done with it. She doesn't care about me, then she hates me, tells me to leave her alone but messages me always with something she had to tell me not to do; or in the case of this last one, it was after I let her know that my FR to her mom should have been a block. Wanted her to know so she didn't start anything (her mom and I DO NOT get along, but then I don't usually with people who hit me in the face while trying to perform first aid on their suicidal daughter... ) That landed me getting more crap thrown at me... .



Essentially: I want to get back together, I'm fully aware of her being a uBPD as she fits all 9 criteria (we sat down and went through them), and I realize and have tried to make amends for my wrongs that happened while we were together. I need advice on how to talk to her, how to handle this. I made an salt on Fb but she blocked it after I didn't respond to her last rant. Did I mention I'm codependent... . ?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Samuel S.]

With the interference with your BPD's mother, it is really hard to try to do anything with your BPD. It is like she is being brainwashed. That's number one. Number two, you were slapped. Number three, she is definitely giving all kinds of signs of not wanting to be with you.

I can understand that you love her, but I have 2 questions for you. First, does she love you? From what you have said, she doesn't. Secondly, do you love yourself, or not? If you love yourself, to jeopardize your emotional stability with such a stunted person is to harm yourself and your future.

I just get the image of you hitting your head against the wall and wanting more of the same. It is very obvious she doesn't love or care about you. You deserve someone better, even though you love her, but I am baffled even by that. How can you love someone like her when she hates and hurts you? 

[MentalMarathon]

Thank you for replying and reading all of that.

I know the behavior. Rather I know where it comes from. I know a lot about BPD; though I also don't accept it. Perhaps deluded myself after reading that it's possible that she doesn't really hate me; she hates herself and can't face what she's done.

[MentalMarathon]

Any other perspectives? I could use all the advice I can get.

[an0ught]

Hi MentalMarathon,

I've done literally EVERYTHING I can to prove to my ex that I love her. Even taking care of her emotionally, physically, and mentally has just been twisted into somehow being a way to control her. She says and tells people that I didn't love her, I just wanted to control her. Example: We're arguing, she says I don't care about her, I remind her that if I didn't; I wouldn't be financially taking care of her for many months, that is just turned into "rubbing it in her face. I've been doing well till today. Really missing her even though she's done some really messed up things; something that seems to be common I've read. She blames me for everything, then excuses her actions/words. It doesn't help that her crazy mom is on the sideline feeding her a lot of this. I know because some of the things she said are verbatim things her mom said in the past.

that is really part of the problem. You've done everything and now you are exhausted and desperate  .

If she is suffering from BPD and you want to stay with her at the moment it may be best to think about not how to get together but how to avoid making matters worse. One example you gave is arguing whether you care about her. She clearly feels different and arguing with her emotion is simply invalidating. You may have thought you are arguing facts - and on the factual side you have done plenty for her - but she was telling about what she feels. Emotions often make little sense and are not really under direct control of anyone. Going against her emotion was invalidating which caused that emotion to strengthen i.e. it made her feel even stronger that you don't care.

You'll find a number of workshops on communication in the LESSONS post at the top of this board. That may be a good place to dig deeper. Communication needs to move from being hurtful to both sides to a more validating manner for the relationship to mend.

[MentalMarathon]

I didn't think about it like that. Interesting. I know that I (as several people have told me) can sound critical even when I'm not intending to be. I can see how that would make her feel that way.

I'd like to add that while searcing for someone on Facebook that is closely spelled to hers, I noticed that she has suddenly unblocked me but hasn't said anything. Is she just trying to spy, gauge what's going on with me, see if I'm talking to about her, or thinking about talking again?

[an0ught]

Hello MentalMarathon,

I didn't think about it like that. Interesting. I know that I (as several people have told me) can sound critical even when I'm not intending to be. I can see how that would make her feel that way.

You may find adopting SET generally - not just in your relationship - of value. In fact practicing communication skills (validation, SET etc) outside the relationship is a good idea. You probably have valuable things to say but send the "T" bit out too early without making sure both sides of the communication are aligned.

I'd like to add that while searcing for someone on Facebook that is closely spelled to hers, I noticed that she has suddenly unblocked me but hasn't said anything. Is she just trying to spy, gauge what's going on with me, see if I'm talking to about her, or thinking about talking again?

What about not worrying about FB settings? Do you worry about her sending messages when she flicks a light on or off? Do you want to be in the role of reading tea leaves? Yes, there may be a message (whatever it was in that moment) but should you accept this as an appropriate and sensible channel? This FB setting is a constant source of drama - don't enable it.

[Allmessedup]

I agree with an0ught

Doing everything for her is unfortunately I have found not helpful... but rather makes things worse.

My BPD gf and I split for 3 months earlier this year and it had to do a lot with this.  In doing so much for her I sent the message that she was helpless.  And that fed the self loathing hugely.  She needed very much to see if she could stand on her own two feet without me.  Which has greatly to do with the abandonment fears.

It also ultimately made me resentful and exhausted which she picked up on.

I too struggle hugely with codependency so I know that not doing things is so so hard.

We are actually back together now and things are going very well all things considered.  But it was mostly because I changed... .I worked on me.

My ex was dx a long time ago and went thru massive treatment for it.  So she has the skills to work in our relationship as well which helps a ton of course.

But a huge thing was me not triggering her.  I stopped enabling her and rather now I tell her that I am sure she can do whatever... .rather than doing it for her.  I set boundaries to protect me.  I take lots of time for me in order to keep myself centered.

I tell her I am here for her to help her problem solve but I stopped doing everything for her.  Her consequences are her consequences. 

I back off when she needs space now rather than try to cling harder.

I know it's hard! But the only thing you can change is yourself. 

Our relationship is not perfect by any stretch.  I still get some BPD behaviors.  But in the past three months things are far better than they ever have been in the 3.5 tears we were together

prior. 

It's a constant conscious choice and a ton of work but to me our relationship is worth the work.

Honestly our split for three months was the best thing that could have happened to our relationship and for me personally.

We also played the fb games.  They mean nothing... .The arguing over if I loved her or not,  fact is she felt I didn't love her and that was what mattered.  She saw it that way. So arguing about it only further invalidated her and made her feel like I loved her even less.

Amu

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi MentalMarathon!

I wonder how many of us who have loved pwBPD would raise our hands if asked if we were codependent or enabling... .both of mine would go up for sure!

I made my uBPDh crazy when I would share things with him that I was learning in therapy and offer that maybe that would be an exercise he should try too. I think I just wanted him to feel better so badly that i'd keep offering my "helpful suggestions" to the point of making him feel like I wasn't seeing him as an individual, like I was saying "well, maybe one size fits all! Here, try it on!" That was insulting to him.

Plus I went for so long trying to soothe him when he'd be upset, and that didn't work, in fact it made it worse because he never learned to soothe himself. I ended up treating him like a child. Again, insulting. And I was doing the soothing both because I wanted him to feel better, but also so my environment would be more comfortable. It didn't work.

What Samuel said really hits home for me about your exgf being influenced by her mother. I've seen that play out in a number of relationships around me, and until the person decides to do their own thinking they'll be caught in that web of whatever the influencing person believes. Weirdly my uBPDh has modeled his mother's out of control yelling and belittling and name calling that she did to all the family when he was at home. He even knows it's hurtful in the extreme, but will do it anyway. I've finally had to take a time-out and have been staying with daughters for several months now. He's getting counseling too.

i'm like you in that I really like to try to figure out why someone is doing something, my therapist says i'm "psychologically minded." And I am, I've always been fascinated with what makes people tick. But there does come a point where as An0ught points out, we need to gain enough skills to be able to respond not just react anytime there's the smallest change in our partner's actions.

Have you read through the lessons attached to this board? Learned some of the tools? Like An0ught said, SET is a great place to start along with validation. So many things I thought were logical from my end when we'd be having a discussion I could see were invalidating and triggering once I started reading and learning to apply the tools and skills here.

What Allmessedup said about doing everything for his gf making her feel like he was saying she was helpless is a really great point.

And apart from all that, her mother HIT YOU in the face when you were doing first aid? Okay then.

i'm curious to know what you think when you get to put some of the communication tools into practice.

YOU are the person to take care of right now, sounds like it's been a really difficult time lately. So read and learn and go through the lessons on the boards, and if something doesn't make sense ask a question. I asked so many especially in the beginning since the ways of more effective communication were pretty much opposite what I was doing. 

dreamflyer99