SIGH - It's BPD over...

[Aussie JJ]

Well,  I dont know what board to post this on, it is sort of a defining moment for me, sort of inevitable.  More of a reflection on what I have learnt so far. 

I have been doing alot of work and decided to 'try' to give it another shot, I reached out, I was respectful and polite.  It was very hard to endure some of the stuff but I recognise the person not the disorder.  It is unfortunate but it was too much for her.  She semi acknowledged she has BPD in saying that it shouldnt define who she is, I agreed with her and said however it has to be acknowledged it has defined our past to a large extent. 

Shortly after this, just shut out. 

I love this woman still, one thing I am starting to accept is I can never have 'healthy' love with her.  It is sad that I didn't recognise this earlier, it was sad that she went and got pregnant to control me further.  I will always care for her role in my sons life, she isn't a compleate basket case however I am so scared of her continued behaviours and the lack of acknowlegement and self awareness from her part. 

I have dropped my contact back to SFA and have a lawyer lined up.  I am going to give it a few weeks or a month before going to court as I know she is on edge at present.  Going now will cause all of the evil to come out in her and I want to try and keep it as calm as I can. 

Sad thing is I put everything in writting to her, haven't hidden and I have been open, she hasn't expressed anything in writting, only breaks down at handover and says, "It's over."  As she is a crying mess.  BPD over means she is unable to put it in writting, so sad to see it happen but I am from this, understanding and seeing the cycle starting to accept it more myself. 

I have had moments of clarity where I can explain the past and things happening but I was under an illusion that by being open and honest she would acknowledge, accept and try to resolve these issues together in a supportive way.  Even now I have that hope but seeing the pattern I know it can't be pursueed unfortunatelly. 

Denial is a powerful thing and hers is certainly stronger than mine.  Am I angry at the moment, no, I am sad.  In the past seeing the pattern and understanding it I have been so angry, now I am sad that it is an opportunity lost.  Every dream I had she took on as her own, the love bombing was insane, every fault she has, she has made mine.  I have enough without these being projected onto me. 

I cant live with that for the rest of my life and am just, I dont know.  Sad at the end of the day, I am going to have to sell my house to pay for court costs and it was a house I bought next to a good school to raise a family in.  This and many other things are just insane but if I get this out of the way now hopefully I will have a little less insane in my life for a while. 

Out of all of this I have to post one more thing in the sucess stories, this forum has helped a friend of mine and her partner massivly.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.new#new

[heartandwhole]

Hi AussieJJ,

I'm very sorry that it has come to this, it IS very sad.  Your feelings are so understandable, especially when you tried your best to make it work, and see progress in your friend's situation.    I hope you are being gentle with yourself and allowing your feelings to just be, as they come and go.

I read in one of your other posts that you relate a lot to the codependency traits.  I know for me, rescuing someone I loved was an attempt to rescue myself, thinking that then I'd finally receive what I needed from the other person (and wouldn't have to feel my "brokenness".  It didn't work for me, either, and I had to let go of the illusion that I could save anyone – I didn't even know how to save myself.  And I'm still learning.

Could you say more about the phrase "BPD over?"  What do you mean by that?

Keep posting about what you are learning, AussieJJ, we are here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Aussie JJ]

BPD over... .

I cant explain it properly, its the pattern, it all adds up... .

I can see that she still cares for me at times, I can see that their is alot of emotion there for her that she is suppressing.  I have learnt to 'trust' what I am seeing with her emotions more than her words.  Where I was able to put everything down in writting and be open and honest not once has she done this.  She will insult me verbally, twist facts verbally and in writting but not put down what is happening emotionally with her.  Unfortunatelly she is unable to own up to her own faults and confront them. 

What she cant do is put down in writting, "It's over" or "Lets fix this". 

Their is a inability to acknowledge any fault with her own actions, any fault that she caused.  It is all one sided, I am to blame and it was me that made it all fall apart.  To say its all over or lets fix this, either way their will be an acknowledgement on her part of the situation and she will be unable to confront this. 

Because of the BPD she is unable to put down in writting that their is no more opportunity for us as a couple.  She has to leave that door open, she cant commit to closing it for good. 

That's BPD over.