Progress report or my post B/U diary

[sirius]

I have been reading everyday and lurking around, have not post for some months.

my experience of 12 years 9 months relationship with a BPDgf

Post break up condition -

week 1

DDay, a day after my 41st Birthday with her. a lot of arguments, she moved back to her parents, totally depressed and suicidal on my side.

having lots of circular conversation, deep in the FOG, never knew what PD or BPD was and no idea what is going on.

week 2

a lot of grief, missing her and a lot of arguments and circular conversations going on everyday

she booked a holiday to go with her family members

No idea of what PD or BPD is

going crazy and start to doubt myself and blaming myself causing the B/U

week 3

till this point, no idea of PD or BPD, all just crazy making.

she came back to pick up her passport one night and we had a long rage for 4 hours

discovered that she was  having several affairs for the past 8 years by going through all phone records and her emails

chat histories.

At thispoint, I put a gun to my head and cried, short of pulling the trigger

totally depressed and couldnt even know where to begin, instead gave up confronting her


week 4

discovered this site and read up a lot of other PD and BPD stuffs, told her about it and was shot down

couldn't believe what I read and called to make an urgent appointment to see 3 different theraphist/Phys

started theraphy with all 3 phsy/T

still fighting over texting

week 5

kept reading and learning, start to see what this whole crazy making is and going LC

start to be independant and get everything on my own

start the detaching process

feeling very sad and very down, thanks to Mutt and many other here that kept me going

week 6

Broke down, called her, had a long chat and I was trying to recycle and regretted it the next day

arguments and text fighting continues

week 7

decided to go NC

week 8

she blocked me in all areas, was feeling sad that she could do this without any consideration

continuing my sessions with T and Phsy, dropped one of them, only 2 now

started going out and meeting people on my own

catch up with fanily members

trying out the pink elephant, visiting places that was significant to our relationship,

was very hard but i forced myself to do it. The anxiety gets lesser each time but its really hard

week 9

having attacks every 3 or 4 days, coping well, learning to be alone, FOG lifting

begining to see and trust myself especially with people here

I had a t and a P, T is the kind that want to try to rekindle the relationship and P is totally against it

so I had advise from both before I could make the decision. T agreed with P after a short encounter with BPDgf

calling his office asking about me.

week 10

she left for her holidays, texted her on her birthday and received no reply. wasnt disappointed anyway expected that to happen

panick and anxiety attackes became lesser, started to see and look back at the shipwreck

Saw a lot of things that i could not see in the FOG

week 11

decided to let it go, theres no chance for this anymore

every once in a while, theres sadness and missing her

Packing up her things and the stuffs we shared into boxes

week 12

every once in a while, theres sadness and missing her

kept finding and making plans to go out with people or alone

revisiting places that would trigger memories and see how I would deal with it

week 13

every once in a while, theres sadness and missing her

kept finding and making plans to go out with people or alone

revisiting places that would trigger memories and see how I would deal with it

week 14

T told me that I am ok and would end the session

P also told me that I am ok and would drop the sessions and gave me his mobile incase

any emergencies or breakdowns

week 15

every once in a while, theres sadness and missing her

Met a BPD gal and saw the red flags sticking out almost immediately after 10mins of conversation

immediately avoided any contact. I feel like I am a BPD radar now

week 16

kept finding and making plans to go out with people or alone

some memories once in a while... .

week 17

starts today - some memories triggered some sadness anyway, its for like only 5 mins.


thank you guys, all of you here has been very helpful.

Reading the post and knowing what is happening really helps to heal

Be patient... . i never knew I would be writing this when the gun was on my head many weeks ago.

[Lion Fire]

Thanks for sharing this Sirius.

It's encouraging to see your progress as the weeks go by.

I am on week 12 now and there too has been a lot of improvement. I completely bottomed out around weeks 4-6. It was dreadful, I was in bits!

I still think of her way more than I would like to but as time goes by, the pain recedes and the process is gentler. I am still emotionally delicate but overall there has been a lot of progress. I still find it crazy how much this relationship devastated me. Man! I was out on my feet. I've basically had to rebuild my life from scratch in many areas.

I was proactive in blocking her which really helped. She cannot reach me directly anymore but I wouldn't put it past her to try with a different number or email address. I'm vigilant but not neurotic about her anymore.

Time is the greatest healer and with the personal work we have done I believe we can come out the other side stronger and better people 

Good work!

Peace