i made her happy today

[antjs]

today i broke NC after 3 months. last encounter was really nasty. i told her how she was manipulative, abusive, promiscuous,... etc she is just a pu$$y and i dont want it on second thought lots of others out there and previously told her that she is BPD. i had the silent treatment since then. yesterday night i was going through dropbox and found a screenshot of a poem she had written to me during the idealization phase. i really struggled and finally unblocked her this morning and sent her the screenshot and told her i have found and told her to take care of herself and wished her luck. i have been in pain for 3 months. she still have given me the silent treatment.  i felt that doing so will add to my pain. surprisingly this had shed off tons of pain that was building up during the last 3 months. i discovered that bad closure with bad name calling was what made me feel pain. I find myself a very kind and decent person now. I learned that i should control my behavior even when breaking up with BPD. yes today she feels very happy and still in control of me after even 3 months. but i really dont care. what i care about is how i feel right now. i feel that i have dropped the baggage of pain. i am liberated. she did not change even after this all time. i can see that she is not capable of even forgiving cause she is too self centered or is not in need of me right now. i believe healthy people forgive others even if they dont need them anymore. i can literally and physically breath now. my chest tightness lasted for months. now i can eat. i can have a really normal day. i have no guilt anymore.

i really dont know how did this happen. i always believed that NC was the way but i find exceptions in my case. this contact liberated me. honestly it killed every hope i had for a recycle. i am not waiting for anything anymore. i am moving forward. contacting her and giving closure to myself in a decent way did liberate me. i was in pain for long because of bad naming her and i was not aware of it. today is a new day, a new life.