Need advice quickly please.

[stove monkey]

Friday when I got ready to leave from work I put my laptop, charger, and external hard drive into my laptop bag and zipped it shut and brought it home with me for the weekend. The weekend was a particularly bad uBPDw weekend.

I did not touch my laptop bag until Sunday afternoon in which I pulled out my laptop to pull up an email from uBPDw's T to print the Intake Forms I needed to out as I had an appointment with uBPDw's T later that day. I never took the external hard drive out of bag. When I finished printing the forms I returned the laptop to the bag, zipped it and put the bag back in my room. Yes we have separate rooms.

Monday when I got to my office and pulled laptop and charger out of my bag, the external hard drive was not there.

I asked uBPDw if she had taken it (she has taken it in the past and downloaded the entire drive to her computer and her external hard drive) of course she denies having it or taking it. Doesn't even know what it looks like!

I have 15 years of work, family photos, personal info and my life on this drive.

How do I get it back? I hope it hasn't been destroyed.

My uBPDw has an appointment with her T today. Should I try emailing or texting her T regarding this so maybe the T can talk some sense into her?

Should I go home when she is at T appointment and tear apart her room to look for it. I did look through her room a little last night in front of her as she is the only one who would have had access to it over the weekend.

Quick advice appreciated.

I have not downloaded this external hard drive to my current lap top as it is a work lap top, so I'm kind of screwed in that sense. Apparently I should have several external hard drives.

[stove monkey]

Sorry, that was "Friday I got ready to leave FROM work, not for work.

[LettingGo14]

I don't know if this is advice, per se.  My experience is that your "approach" to communicating about this with your partner is critical.  My experience is that perceived accusations "trigger" the pwBPD.    Therefore, my experience also suggests a very gentle, tactical approach.  Not sure how best to engage, given that I don't know details.  However, here are some helpful tools:


TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

[stove monkey]

Thank you, but how do I support and show empathy in a situation like this?

How do I support stealing from me and empathize with the intentional damage she knows this will/does cause?

The truth part is easy.

[LettingGo14]

Thank you, but how do I support and show empathy in a situation like this?

How do I support stealing from me and empathize with the intentional damage she knows this will/does cause?

The truth part is easy.

Thinking out loud -- recognizing your dilemma:

1. Can you approach with genuine sadness at loss of so much personal information, and request for it back, offering no questions in return?  (I know this is a charade, but approaching with anger likely won't get drive back... .)

2. Can you enlist her sympathy for loss of data?

I'd share your anger, so I'm not telling you what to do -- simply brainstorming ideas on how to get back without "triggering" -- which, in my experience, would not get data back.

[enlighten me]

My exgf did similar things. Mainly to do with tools of all things.

She has an allen key set that I know she used to put the cot together. I even saw it in her bedroom. When I needed to use it I asked her if she had seen it. She denied seeing it and told me it was wherever I had left it as I was the last one to use it. When she was out I checked the bedroom and found it in the junk draw. I left it there and got hold of some more allen keys. It wasn't worth calling her out on as the drama that would follow would have been more than I could be bothered with.

When I moved out my socket set which I kept under the stairs had gone. Bearing in mind I had cleared out the cellar and sorted all my stuff box by box and moved all my other belongings out without seeing it anywhere. When I asked her if she had seen it I got the same answer of its wherever I had left it.

Both of these occasions there was something about the way she replied that flagged to me she was lying. I had seen that look so many times when I knew she wasn't being honest with me. The sudden flash of guilt that crossed her face.

These things weren't important to me so I happily let them go.

Its a tough one as the more you call them out on it the more they dig their heals in. Personally I would wait until she's out and go and find it. When she see's its missing you will get it in the neck so get another hard drive and copy it and put it back.

[buterfly]

If it were me I'd search for it without her there, however I suppose she could take it with her, then if I didn't find it I'd say there was something important (to her) on it that you need and see if it shows up.

Considering she's done this before in the future I might have two hard drives with the same data and keep the one at work with both the basic info. And the info. You don't want her to see. This sounds ridiculous, but I've been known to do things like this with my husband.

In my experience he typically won't destroy those types of things, just snoop through them. Maybe you'll find it when she's done snooping?

[stove monkey]

Thanks.

I tried being nice about it last night, acting like it was know big deal, even said I was sorry for accusing her if she didn't take it. (she has taken it before and downloaded everything, bragged about it as she now has "proof". Proof of what?

She is also the only person that had access to it over the weekend.

I did email her T a few minutes ago. I don't know if that was appropriate or not.

[stove monkey]

A friend suggested I should call the police.

Another suggested I print out some divorce papers so she sees them to hopefully trigger her into panic apology mode and maybe she'll give it back.

[enlighten me]

The problem with drastic measures is that you cant be sure of the outcome.

Calling the police could lead her to dispose of it and then have the police believe that you are some sort of vindictive creep who is torturing her with your wild allegations. We know how convincing they can be.

The divorce papers may cause her to lash out and destroy things that you treasure as petty revenge.

The best thing you can do is find it when she's out and copy it then put it back.

That way you get what you want and avoid all the nastiness that could ensue.