Question about employment patterns with pwBPD

[Karmachameleon]

I'm curious about something that I have not yet seen addressed here and have been thinking about today.  My recent ex was officially diagnosed BPD and the process of educating myself and understanding his patters and behaviors has made me realize that the other two significant relationships in my life were clearly also BPD.  I attract these people for some reason and I need it to stop.  But there was one big similarity with all of them that I am finding perplexing.  All of them were gainfully employed and adequately functional in society until they had been with me for a while.  But in all 3 cases after about a year they all quit their jobs, stopped paying bills, sat around smoking pot and turned irritable towards me if I expected anything from them and berated me that all I cared about was money.  Is that a coincidence?  What could I have done to convey to them that this was ok?  I am a hard worker and like to work, but I never implied that I would support them financially.  And in all three cases this is why I had to leave because it was simply impossible for me to do it all and I lost respect for them as men.  And in all three cases they wanted to stay with me, but never stepped up to pull their own weight or make changes.  I am the common denominator here, so I'm just very confused about this.  Is this normal behavior for pwBPD?  I know they have employment problems sometimes, but these 3 situations of mine, that span 17 years, are just so freakishly similar.  I wonder what I could do differently in the future.

[fromheeltoheal]

I wonder what I could do differently in the future.  Great question!  Have you come up with answers?

What a borderline will do is fear abandonment; it's at the core of the disorder.  By quitting their jobs, sitting around stoned and devaluing the relationship they could be sending a message that the relationship wasn't working for them, they were triggered, and they were inviting you to leave, a proactive way of telling you to leave, instead of being surprised by it one day, instead of you outright abandoning them, their biggest fear and something they are convinced will happen eventually anyway.  And instead of it being malicious it was unconscious, they couldn't articulate it like I just did, and also typically it had nothing to do with you, in fact just the opposite, they liked you so much that they began to doubt their ability to keep you, the shame showed up, and to soothe it they threw in the towel early.

Maybe fits, maybe doesn't, but the benefit of having it happen three times is that it helps you identify patterns easier.  

[Karmachameleon]

That is so sad.  :'( because I would have stayed with each of them if they had just put forth the effort.  I definitely think you're right.  Especially my 2nd ex.  I feel like he couldn't make the decision himself so he made it to where I had to.  And no, I still have no idea how to avoid it in the future because all of them seemed fine in the beginning and I really never saw it coming.  But I will stay single while I try to figure it out, I guess.  Thanks.

[Tausk]

BPD's span a very very wide spectrum of functionality.  Many can't hold a job at all, while other are successful corporate lawyers, surgeons, or leaders in their fields.  

So maybe you just happen to have a radar that invites the job quitting type of BPD into your life.  Maybe your signals to them are you are interested in supporting someone so that they don't have to work.

I don't know.  Mine were functional, but never quite where they should have been.  Kind of reflected my "failures."

[rollercoaster24]

Hmmm

Interesting topic and one I have much experience with unfortunately!

My exBP was homeless, almost 43, (me a year younger) and unemployed when we met early 2010, we were friends for several months, and I had offered him a temporary free place to crash, (sofa) so he could gain employment.

When we first met, he didn't tell me how long he had been unemployed, the real truth about a lot of things about him didn't come until we became 'more than friends'.

But for the early days of our friendship I was easy pickings, and obviously in hindsight, easily conned.

During our friends period, he had applied for 2 jobs only, one he scored an interview for, but failed their psyche test, and the other? it sounded really promising, the guy called him and everything, but nothing more was heard about it, (something I never really questioned him on either come to think of it).

As soon as we became involved, his need to find employment suddenly ceased, and he enmeshed himself totally into my life, which is about when the constant devaluation/rages/violence began and I got the shock of my life.

As time went by, and I met his parents, I found out more truths from his Mother, BP had long been telling everyone he was 'homeless' but the reality was, that he had never been truly 'homeless', he always had a backstop at his parents his whole life, they would take him in, look after his dog, or whatever else 'his Lordship' demanded of them.

His Mother told me that BP son never lasted long in any employment because of the 'way he is', just like his Father etc, and that both herself and husband, (BP's Father) had known for 13 years that something wasn't quite right with BP, (just not what it was).

They could see the total lack of empathy that emerged most of the time, the lying, the rage, fighting with everyone and especially his family members, and the Mother often told me that she had two of them to deal with, as the Father still had his moments as well, (although being elderly these days, he had mellowed a lot more).

Around the 2 year mark, when I had had enough of BP's rages/violence/attempted murders etc, I said he could no longer stay at my home, as not only was he putting me in danger, but members of my family were being targeted physically as well.

This prompted BP to dump me (yet again) and vow never to see me forever.

2 weeks later? BP was on the phone, apologising, admitting he needed help, (joking and laughing about that) and promising that he would eventually go down that path, just wasn't ready for 'medication' yet. He then asked if I would travel to stay with him at his parents, where he 'now' had a room, (actually he had always had a room at his parents waiting). I agreed, only because he had accepted that he needed help and would seek that in the future, and began travelling up to stay with him several times per week, overnight stays too, always having to get up really early in the morning to get to work, (4am early).

To begin with, BP was OK, but as time went on, and the obvious dysfunction that had always been the case between himself and his parents got worse, BP got worse, and he always took it out on either me or his parents, (at that stage, because they were rescuing him it was usually me that copped the worst).

He would always wait until I got there at night, and we were close to bed time, sometimes going all night, or beginning again early hours of the morning, (after keeping me awake most of the night anyway).

This charade, (I'm ashamed to say) went on for 16 months whereby gradually I lessened my visits and time spent with him in person because he was too dangerous and unpredictable.  His parents had several dangerous episodes with him too, and being elderly it was affecting them way too much, they had sought help from the police and Mental Health, but the Mother would not take that final step and have her son hospitalised temporarily, (despite death threats and property damage like I had experienced too).

The Mother had not experienced the physical violence in person, like both Father and myself had copped, (along with other members of my close family). At any rate she did ask her son to leave, knowing he had nowhere but his car to live in. She had been reminding BP for several months that it was nearly time to leave, as both herself and hubby were moving into a smaller (easier to maintain house). By June, BP was at his very worst, and during my second last visit with him one evening, assaulted me in the early hours, smashed my phone, damaged all my possessions I had with me, and my car. I had to ring the police in order to retrieve what was left, because he had threatened my life if I tried to get my stuff from his room.

By July, he was trying to get me back again, and silly me went back to see him one more time, again, he abused me, damaged my car, and tried to hurt me physically too.

By August, after several blasts over the phone, he had dumped me, and gone off 'to find employment and somewhere to live'

He didn't.

4 months later, after he had given me the Silent Treatment, apart from stalking me at nights, on Facebook and sending a newspaper clipping, when I had finally moved on a little, he came back out of the blue, which was a shock.

Again, I foolishly allowed a recycle, as he assured me things would be different this time, made it sound like he practically had a job he was about to start etc. Soon later, I realised that was a lie, and by 3 weeks in, (after much upheaval with my immediate family living with me) he was back to his usual tricks big time.

This time around was no different, he damaged one of my cars, damaged property at my house, stole, harassed me at work every day, lied, raged, threatened, until I gave up for the last time in late March this year and promptly moved house so he couldn't find me.

His last episode (in March) had involved punching out his windscreen in front of a member of the public at my workplace, and shouting extreme abuse/threats at me which involved a necessary call to the Police for temporary protection.

A month later, he called out of the blue, (not realising I had moved in with my family who were previously boarding with me) and when he realised that I had moved in with the very family he hated, he proceeded to devalue me, my family and our relationship for some time on the phone, there was no two way peaceful amicable conversation, it was all about him as usual.

Basically, he realised that he couldn't use me any longer, (for somewhere to crash when he wasn't 'otherwise engaged' or for his cigarette supply, or petrol, or food or money, or whatever he needed to take, then abuse me afterward.

After some serious raging on his behalf, and attempts on my behalf to say something, he hung up on me and I haven't heard from him since.

Slowly I have been trying to piece my life back together, recover, and gradually forget about him mostly.

It has not been easy, but I am getting there one day at a time.

I know that if he called me up again, I would not go back this time, no matter how vulnerable I am, and I expect the best would be to not even talk to him if he did call.

That way he cannot get any more hooks into my skin.

Thanks for letting me share, sorry I went on a bit, guess there is still a fair amount of PTSD present.

[Karmachameleon]

Oh my, that was a dramatic story.  I'm so glad you are moving on.  That must have been awful.  Oddly enough, my last ex had a thing for breaking car windshields, too.  Charming.     He didn't have a job for the past few months we were together and has since moved with his family.  I'm DYING to know how he is getting money.  His mother swore she was finished giving him money, but that's the only possible scenario.  He posts every breath he takes on Facebook and hasn't mentioned a job.  Oh well.  Not my problem.  I'm just really wanting him to make an ass of himself to his family since they are defending him and thinking things were my fault.  Yes, I am aware that I shouldn't care.

[NotASnowflake]

Not a good work history for my uBPDw. There are other issues involved, but I think the BPD is a large part of it. Her own self doubts combined with difficulty getting along with others generally drives her to quit. They're crazy, they're out to get her, etc.  Difficulty getting along with coworkers and management has also led to her references being questionable (not the right word, but the best I can do at the moment). She has spent the last year and a half "healing herself" and hasn't looked for a job. She has mentioned looking for a job recently, so we'll see if that happens. I've got some resentment over the issue, but am not frustrated enough to give an ultimatum. I've seen it all from her perspective and can relate. At this point, I don't want this issue to be viewed as a reason the relationship is going downhill. Yes, it's a factor, but not at the top of the list.

[MammaMia]

Notasnowflake

This is typical BPD behavior.  Employment is not a strength unless they are very high functioning and can actually hold a job.  There are many reasons for their lack of employment and you hit on many of them.  To those I would add that when pwBPD become stressed, they have a tendency to shutdown.  They can experience mental confusion which can make the simplest of tasks almost impossible.

This terrible disorder often strikes those who are highly intelligent, but they cannot function well due to all of the emotional/mental factors associated with it.  They know they are capable, but BPD has a crippling effect on their productivity.

One can only imagine how frustrated pwBPD must be.

[fromheeltoheal]

Notasnowflake

This is typical BPD behavior.  Employment is not a strength unless they are very high functioning and can actually hold a job.  There are many reasons for their lack of employment and you hit on many of them.  To those I would add that when pwBPD become stressed, they have a tendency to shutdown.  They can experience mental confusion which can make the simplest of tasks almost impossible.

This terrible disorder often strikes those who are highly intelligent, but they cannot function well due to all of the emotional/mental factors associated with it.  They know they are capable, but BPD has a crippling effect on their productivity.

One can only imagine how frustrated pwBPD must be.

One of the main factors is the emotional age of the sufferer.  It's said a borderline stops developing emotionally at the time the trauma that created the disorder occurred, which is challenging later in life, when they look like an adult and show up in the business world, only to bang up against severe limitations when it comes to collaborating with other adults.  My ex had a very limited awareness of the world, since in my opinion she was stuck somewhere in her mid-teens emotionally, so she used her usual attachment tools, which work well initially because she's honed them since they are mandatory to her, but there is no depth behind them and when it becomes evident she loses another job.  Sad, but she always gets another one, she is a survivor.

[thinkingtooslowly]

My SO has an uBPDex-wife.  We have been together 3 years (right after their divorce).  She didn't even bother trying to get a job the first year.  Her new husband (already separated from him) got her a summer job, she quit that one the first day.   Got another job 4 months later, quit that one after 6 weeks.  Another 8 months goes by (living off of parents and welfare), she finally got another part-time job.  She endlessly complains about not having money, and says it is everyone's else fault she can't get a job.  However, I am certain she absolutely refuses to reply for most jobs, since she only wants to do the work she wants to do, not most minimum wage jobs.  SO reports that during their 15 year marriage she never held a job for more than 3-4 months, quitting because "people were mean to her", or pursuing some new career that she never actually finished.

[thinkingtooslowly]

Also, I agree with the previous poster about the emotional age of the pwBPD... .SO's ex is probably about 15 emotionally.   Unfortunately she has managed to make it to age 40 without ever having to be responsible for anything, her parents have bailed her out and enabled her her entire life, plus her three husbands (including SO) as well.

[Panda39]

My SO has an uBPDex-wife.  We have been together 3 years (right after their divorce).  She didn't even bother trying to get a job the first year.  Her new husband (already separated from him) got her a summer job, she quit that one the first day.   Got another job 4 months later, quit that one after 6 weeks.  Another 8 months goes by (living off of parents and welfare), she finally got another part-time job.  She endlessly complains about not having money, and says it is everyone's else fault she can't get a job.  However, I am certain she absolutely refuses to reply for most jobs, since she only wants to do the work she wants to do, not most minimum wage jobs.  SO reports that during their 15 year marriage she never held a job for more than 3-4 months, quitting because "people were mean to her", or pursuing some new career that she never actually finished.

At least your SO's ex got real jobs.  My SO's uBPDex has imaginary jobs... .She told my SO's attorney during the divorce that she had a business associate in China that would pay her $47,000 to stop doing stock trades (lawyer commented then why don't you stop ).  She created and registered her own business and tried to get money from another person with his own company while he was trying to get money from her (Con conning a Con - I can't make this stuff up!), She was also a "Logistics Coordinator" for a Hollywood production company (She can't even coordinate appointments for her kids and lives no where near Hollywood),  the most current story is that she works for a Petroleum Company in the Seychelles... .Africa  

We don't know what she's really doing for money because for the second year in a row she has not submitted her "real" financial disclosures, but we suspect her family is supporting her.  This can't be fun because after 3 evictions and couch surfing she has been living in a hotel for $100 a night and eating out... .a month so far.

Have I told you about all the places she's gonna live?... .

[Karmachameleon]

Interesting thread, for sure.  Well, my ex was able to survive thus far because he is actually a pretty talented musician, so he was able to feed his narcissism while getting drunk and hanging out in bars for most of his adult life.  But now he is older, gained a lot of weight, proved to all the local venues that he is unreliable, he is chronically sick and cancels at the last minute,  and when he does show up he gets way too drunk and starts fights so he has burned most of his bridges and can't get work anymore.  Now he has moved so maybe he will have better luck with a new batch of bars to choose from.  But so far he is begging for jobs on facebook with not much response. (so I hear through the grapevine.  I swear I'm not looking.)  He is not qualified to do anything else.  His family wants him to apply for disability.  Is BPD a valid reason to qualify for disability?