Where did my strength go?

[buterfly]

Divorce papers in hand

his voice echoes in my head... .

"Please, please don't leave me,

I just want to hold you,

I need you,

It's all my fault,

I can't live without you,

I'm so sorry"

My fear is gone, because I am,

obligation and guilt keep the papers from traveling

His big changes are questionably manipulative,

taken from my own faith, passion, and understanding,

and interpreted as his,

Weakening my strength,

Brushing 13 years of abuse away,

In two short weeks of my absence.

[sea_of_wounds]

You are strong.  So strong.  What makes you strong is your compassion.  In any normal, healthy situation, demonstrating compassion would be so healing, so rewarding.

The tragedy here is that our compassion is manipulated, and our hearts just cannot understand---our hearts want to believe that their intentions are sincere and pure. 

It is a beautiful thing to want to see the good, the true in everyone.

But with BPD, that beautiful thing gets twisted into the nightmare of pain and confusion that eats away at our resolve.  We know deep within, what has happened, but it is so hard to understand why and how---it doesn't compute to the mind capable of empathy and respect for another human being.

And so we hesitate, doubt, fear---we stay in the FOG for so long because there really is no way of truly understanding the disorder from within---we can only understand it from without, and what it does to people who try to stay the course and love against all odds.

I sometimes liken walking away from someone with BPD to the feeling one would have abandoning a little defenseless child in the street, a child crying out for attention and care and love. 

In so many ways, a BPD is like that little child---but they are not innocent.  And they are adults.  They are stunted, and it is horrible and tragic and awful that we cannot heal them---

The hardest part of this is knowing that we have to protect and love ourselves against their abuse, and know it is ok to do so.  It is ok.  It is ok to want to feel safe, to feel peace, to feel hope, to feel free of fear and pain.

It is ok to make a choice that is terribly hard, but for the sake of our own survival.

Divorce papers in hand---you are strong.  You know 13 years of your life were dominated by abuse, and you know in your heart that you can no longer live that way.

There is so much to give---to ourselves, and to others that will not slay us in an endless pattern of abuse and pain.

Take that chance on yourself---give yourself that chance to wash away the wounds of those shattered 13 years.

You deserve it so much, so much.  And life is waiting to embrace you and heal you. 

Because you are so strong.  And full of heart. 

You deserve to live again.

[Ihope2]

Oh Buterfly, you have had 13 years of this turmoil.  I had just under a year.  Walking away is the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my life.

I was broken, I felt like I had to rip out my own beating heart.  And hearing the pleas and cries for help and watching a grown man cry silent tears that run down his face, and still knowing that I have to walk away from this!  I felt like we were both drowning in heavy seas, and he was crying out for me to rescue him, but I could only rescue myself in the end.

"I don't know what to do!", "I have no-one and no-where to go to.", "I have no home." "I have nothing." "I love you, nobody will ever love you the way I do". "We are breaking a universal law by splitting up". "We were meant to be together". "Nobody can stay with me for long, everyone ends up hating me". "I have nothing more to live for".

These were some of the pleas that fell on my ears.  Not to mention the suicide insinuations and threats. "That bullet that goes through my brain, will have your name written on it".

When I did not call off divorce proceedings (which he had actually suggested we do!), he left my home.  He asked me to drop him off on the highway near where I live.  He looked so distraught and sad, and the tears were streaming down his cheeks.  I have never felt so bad, so heartless before in my entire life.  I felt that I was destroying another human being.

In hindsight, we cannot keep believing that it was all down to us to save this other person.  We need to do our recovery work and try to understand the dynamics of why we get into such dependency, trauma-bond, abusive relationships.  But at the time, it feels like absolute hell, like someone has put a gun into our hands and told us to shoot the other person.

I wish you strength and blessings, Buterfly.

[Veronykah]

I was broken, I felt like I had to rip out my own beating heart.  And hearing the pleas and cries for help and watching a grown man cry silent tears that run down his face, and still knowing that I have to walk away from this!  I felt like we were both drowning in heavy seas, and he was crying out for me to rescue him, but I could only rescue myself in the end.

It's posts like yours that make me feel like I am not alone. It's things like that that NO ONE who hasn't been with someone with BPD can understand.

"Just leave him!" "He's abusive and toxic, get out girl!" "Why would you stay with someone who treats you so badly?"

What you wrote is why we get so ensnared with these people. It is heart wrenching and so so so abnormal, I don't think people who haven't been here can begin to comprehend the horrible emotional places you have to go to be in and get out of a relationship like this. It's not like this with a "normal" person.

I'm saving your post, in case I need to articulate to someone what it's like. They have no idea.

Beautifully written.

[Ihope2]

Those of us going through this type of relationship dynamic are not alone, although we certainly feel like we are.  Reading the book

"The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships" by Patrick Carnes Ph.D., has helped me greatly to understand my own predisposition to get caught up in this type of traumatic, destructive, no-win dynamic.

[refusetosuccumb]

I know this all too well.

I'm 9 weeks out of a 16yr r/s with my exBPDh.  Every other week, he's fine and rarely communicates with me unless he's asking about the children (which is about once a week).  Every other week in that, he's begging and pleading with me for 'one more chance'  He's had about 1000 'one more chance'  The nail in the coffin of my love was finding messages of him sexually reaching out to other women.  I know in my heart I'm not exactly "the one for him" due to that, but I represent comfort and familiarity and THAT is what he's missing, not me specifically.

The tears still get me, he's not a crier.  So even now I'm not sure if the tears are true, are for him, are for me, or what.  I think they are for himself and what he's lost, not that he misses me, if that makes sense.

The past 9 weeks have been a mixture of pure job and peace, pure hell and chaos, and some days of just being.  BUT my kids are thriving in the peace, they keep me going.  As long as they are doing well, my decision is the right one.

[buterfly]

Seaofwounds- when I read your advice I became teary eyed, because it is all so true. Your advice has really helped me stay strong. I filed last week, and read you post daily to remind me why it is ok to do this for myself. Thank you.

Ihope2- your story showed great strength. I cannot imagine how hard that would be to drop him off, and leave him on a highway.

Refusetosuccumb- it has recently gone from words to tears, and your story helps me understand that it is human to feel empathy when he cries.

Thank you all for your posts, they truly restored my strength. As I grieve I still question putting the divorce on hold because of his sadness and tears, but so far I have been able to remain strong.