Needing thoughts on others experience

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi All,

So, I'm going back home to visit fam in August and my dBPD sister and I are planning on a counseling appointment to move forward and come to some resolution in our estranged relationship. (had a big blow out a couple years ago, she cut me off, let me in, cut me off, let me in, then escalated communications leading her to wanting me dead (she had an episode obviously), I went NC, a few weeks later she sent the big apology, since then random communications regarding moving forward and then not, blah blah effing blah).

I'm hesitant and have very very low expectations as to if this appointment will actually happen or not, and if so will the outcome be positive, because, as we all know, BPDs have a hard time empathizing and seeing beyond their own reality (judgy statement I know... .).

I msged her and asked her directly what she expected to gain from the appointment. She said she wanted to hear how I felt when she said and did horrible things towards me and vice versa. Great answer, but is this really going to happen?

She is on meds and goes to therapy, but even with that, I do not see improvements in her behaviors.

Has anyone out there been through a similar situation with a positive outcome? What about the negative?

As I said my outlook is not so hot, but I'd really love to hear others experience on this.

Thanks for reading.

Stay strong and take care of yourselves 

[Starrynite]

Hi All,

So, I'm going back home to visit fam in August and my dBPD sister and I are planning on a counseling appointment to move forward and come to some resolution in our estranged relationship. (had a big blow out a couple years ago, she cut me off, let me in, cut me off, let me in, then escalated communications leading her to wanting me dead (she had an episode obviously), I went NC, a few weeks later she sent the big apology, since then random communications regarding moving forward and then not, blah blah effing blah).

I'm hesitant and have very very low expectations as to if this appointment will actually happen or not, and if so will the outcome be positive, because, as we all know, BPDs have a hard time empathizing and seeing beyond their own reality (judgy statement I know... .).

I msged her and asked her directly what she expected to gain from the appointment. She said she wanted to hear how I felt when she said and did horrible things towards me and vice versa. Great answer, but is this really going to happen?

She is on meds and goes to therapy, but even with that, I do not see improvements in her behaviors.

Has anyone out there been through a similar situation with a positive outcome? What about the negative?

As I said my outlook is not so hot, but I'd really love to hear others experience on this.

Thanks for reading.

Stay strong and take care of yourselves 

[Botswana Agate]

I'd be curious as to whose idea the joint counseling was--hers or yours?  And it's interesting that she wants to hear your reactions and feelings to her horrible treatment of you, and *vice versa*?  So she's implying that you've treated her horribly as well? 

I don't think you come across as "judgy" for saying that BPDs have a hard time seeing beyond their own realities and perceptions--I think that's quite true.  I don't know, but this sounds like a set-up.  I'm glad your sister is already in therapy and on medication; hopefully those will help her understand her BPD and get it under control.  Hopefully she'll learn new ways of retraining her brain to relate to others in healthier ways with the help of her therapist.  I don't know, but if it were me (meaning you) I'd maybe look into some therapy by myself and learn ways of setting healthy boundaries (she wanted you dead? YIKES, that's a biggie), gaining self-respect (if you're lacking there) and settling other outstanding issues of growing up with a BPD family member (a lifetime of god-knows-what, I can relate).

Plus, the random on again/off again communications from her don't bode well that this session/meeting will even hold, based on what you mentioned.  Not only that, but rarely can you expect a "positive outcome" after just one counseling session, if that makes sense.  True change--which, as I understand for BPDs, can be extremely difficult--happens over a long period of time, not just after one counseling session.

[Turkish]

When I was 13, my mom got us into family counseling. The first session, I was intially happy. I said some things, but at the other end if the couch, my mom got this look of rage, almost crying, on her face and said, "I do not do that!" The counselor said nothing. I knew then how the game was played. He didn't defend me or offer support. That was the only thing I remember from that session. I was abandoned to about 8 more sessions by myself. My mom abandoned me to counselng. I guess i was the problem. 25 years later, my mom asked me if I wanted to know what the T thought of me. She told me he thought I was one of the most well adjusted young men he'd ever met. Ya think? I knew whatever I told him would get back to her. I was 13, but I wasn't naive.

Fast forward 27 years later in couples' counseling , uBPDx did the same thing. Obviously, I was no longer a child, but in a sick parallel, abandoned me after 1 joint session, and two individual sessions on her side. I kept with it. Over $3k and many months later, I was told, "there's really nothing wrong with you." This was despite me playing devil's advocate and pushing him to dX me with something, because my Ex was sure something was wrong with me. "You're a Rescuer, as am i," was what I got out of him, and, "you have wounds, as does everybody."

My point is, be aware of Projection, and realize your boundaries. Lastly, beware of FOG. You know who you are, and don't let anybody else tell you otherwise.

I think it's great you ate doing this, but protect yourself, and remember who you are, not what someone else says you are.

[Botswana Agate]

My counseling experiences echo Turkish's, btw.  BPDm always took me in whenever she raged, because of course it was always ME with the problems.  I was always "dramatic" and "troubled" and needing or wanting attention.  Surely it wasn't because of the mind games, crazy-making and beatings, it was always my fault. 

[Starrynite]

Thank you both for your thoughts and sharing your experiences!

The idea to go to counseling was a mutual one. And according to her reality, yes, I did something wrong; but really I didn't, I think I was pretty freaking awesome through it all. I know that one counseling session isn't going to solve everything, but I feel like it's a way, some way, for me (the healthy one) to try and move forward with her and come to some resolve from the last couple years. I've been to counseling myself for this whole thing and sure have come to some epiphanies as to how her bullying over the years has effected my character. I'm actually pretty okay though. I feel lucky! My counselor was great, but really, where I live there is not a lot of knowledge or support for us existing in the BPD world. This forum has been a godsend! 

She's been on medication and in therapy for years, but you wouldn't know it sometimes because of her behavior. Perhaps this is because she doesn't have the support she needs. She drives people away and no one in our family seems to make an effort to understand this disorder, except me, and of course it only happened when things when terribly awry. I pass on my knowledge to my family, but... .

I've read about FOG and projection and how to 'protect myself'. I am a confident, self aware woman who knows her boundaries, and I am going to try damn hard not to get caught up and take it all personally, but really, this will be the first face to face in over two years and I am still hurting. It takes practice to communicate appropriately with BPDs, which is why I'm so skeptical.

BotswanaA-its interesting that you mention this could be a set up. I never really thought of that... .and considering... .gah! I'll need to review all the resources again and knowledge up so I'm ready for whatever she throws at me.

I'll let you both know how it goes and thank you again for sharing. I really really appreciate it.   

[ItsNotYou]

The idea to go to counseling was a mutual one.

It sounds like your time at home is short, any chance you can each have a pre-session with the therapist before the joint session? The danger of one session is it's easy to fall into old established patterns and BPDs are expert at pushing buttons to elicit responses and can easily create a situation in which she can say "see she's the one with the problem". Also in a one-on-one pre-session with the therapist, you can outline what you need (peace) and what you've tried. If the T is any good, they'll recognize the dynamics of what is going on and objectively filter what he/she observes in the room.

[Starrynite]

ItsNotYou, that's a great idea. Her T is very hard to get in touch with, but I'm going to give it a try. I think you are right as it would give the T some context to work from.

Thank you!