Why is "self care" so difficult?

[Depression = 72% of members]

After spending a lot of time and energy trying to separate myself from my exBPDh (divorced after 22 years of marriage) and dBPDd (age 23), it still amazes me that I haven't been able to get into the habit of the "self care" that I know I need.   I've tried a number of things, but if someone calls with a "need" that seems more important, I immediately drop my plans.   

Anyone had success in gaining/maintaining new hobbies or other healthy habits that can share?

[thinkingthinking]

After spending a lot of time and energy trying to separate myself from my exBPDh (divorced after 22 years of marriage) and dBPDd (age 23), it still amazes me that I haven't been able to get into the habit of the "self care" that I know I need.   I've tried a number of things, but if someone calls with a "need" that seems more important, I immediately drop my plans.   

Anyone had success in gaining/maintaining new hobbies or other healthy habits that can share?

[Blimblam]

what have you tried?

for me it has been difficult because I was consumed by my attachment to the disorder and my confusion as to who am I.  I have had to deal with the core trauma wounds before anything but I only felt this in the form of an all consuming anxiety and confusion. I realized it has been an identity crisis.

My only advice would be to look within your shadow and to be patient with yourself.

[peiper]

I wish I knew. Im so hurting right now. Hang in there

[woodsposse]

Anyone had success in gaining/maintaining new hobbies or other healthy habits that can share?

Yes.  But what I did and what you can do could be two different things.

What I can say is... .just treat yourself nicely and take it a day at a time and know that there isn't a right answer for what you can do for yourself.  Just do the best you can... .and it will be alright.  And don't beat yourself up too much because you want to still "be there" because it's natural and normal.

You will find your balance.  I promise.

[Tausk]

It's been difficult at times, but I can say that I've made progress.  It's hard to change the patterns that have developed over the past forty plus years since I was a child. 

But it does take daily practice.  I had a T that said, everything I want is a simple as writing it down on a piece of paper in terms of "I am" statements and reading that piece of paper everyday every few hours. 

Seems simple, but I've never been able to keep it up.  But when I do, like journal, and check in daily, it helps.   Prayer and Medication help me a lot was well.

Even something as forgiving myself has become much better, and that is part of self care.

Keep it up.  Find a method that works for you.  I also found some help in Jeffry Youngs Schema work.

Be well,

T

[charred]

I think it is hard for some of us, because we have a lifetime habit of being self critical and self blaming, perfectionistic and repeating things we heard from our FOO.

Mindfulness helped me more than anything so far... it cut my stress/rumination down to the point I am relaxed and working on other things. Having some time away from my toxic BPD r/s... has helped as well.

I am thinking that in my case... having a very passive-aggressive waif BPD mother and a dangerously malignant NPD father... really did a number on me. Taken a lot of tests and am always very high on schizoid and about 1/2 normal on N. Meyer-Briggs INTJ. Which seems to label me Schizoid PD... introverted deep strategic thinker. Or in less wonderful terms... I think things to death instead of living them in the real world... and tend to be a perfectionist and hard on myself and others.

Found it easy to forgive my pwBPD... despite devastating terrible things happening as a result of our r/s... but I can't shed the blame from myself. Feel like I was parentized early... took care of things my irresponsible parents didn't. Oldest kid... and prematurely a worrier.

The hardest thing for me to do... is have fun. Used to be able to, but the more I enjoy something the more it seems to bring up tension and the self critical feeling like I should be doing something more important, or that something negative will happen to offset it.

Having my own goals is hard as well... as a kid I had a bucket list of sorts... and kept going after it till I did everything on it... and found little joy or feeling of accomplishment from it. Suspect that the disconnect between feelings and thinking... leads to muted emotions and feelings and makes decision making hard... because I am not in touch with my feelings... they hurt so much I wanted to do with them for years... so that gut feeling something is right/wrong... never happens.

Used to think the magic feeling with sparks when I met someone was love... learned it is PD-PD red flag... but nothing has replaced the idealization stage of those bad r/s for intensity and feeling great.

I have been doing better getting physically active... feeling in my body, mindfully shutting off my overactive brain and being out and about trying to relax and naturally bond with people. Suspect that is good advice for most everyone.

If you can notice that you are being hard on yourself... that is great... then you can work on making it better. See a T... it helps.

[Tausk]

Yes, self care is difficult for me, because I never was taught those skills as a child.  I had a traumatic childhood, and I was the eldest and had to grow up far too early.  No resources to vent my feelings.  No way to validate my needs.  Since my needs could not be met, all I could do, was try and keep things together, fantasize about a better day, and survive my fear and shame.

Those were the skills that I learned to survive my childhood, but they are not appropriate as an adult.  

I didn't understand with my ex wBPD that I should have need met and feeling validated as well.  

Do changing childhood neuropathways is very difficult.  It takes repeated practice, mindfulness and dedication.  

But I'm getting it done, albeit very slowly.  

With hope and faith,

T

[thinkingthinking]

The hardest thing for me to do... is have fun. Used to be able to, but the more I enjoy something the more it seems to bring up tension and the self critical feeling like I should be doing something more important, or that something negative will happen to offset it.

Yes... .this!  Like if I'm doing something I enjoy, there are going to be repercussions so it's not worth getting too invested. 

[LoveNotWar]

If you're going to run a marathon you follow a training plan. You don't just wake up, say I'm going to run 26.2 miles and do it by sheer willpower. You gotta make and follow a training plan.

So, if you want to change your behavior you gotta make a plan, you can't just say I'm going to feel great joy and voila... .joy.

And when you want to change you have to pick one thing at a time and go slow. So pick one new thing that you think would bring happiness into your life and make a plan to make it happen then follow the plan. Get that under control and then add something else. Be patient but be consistent. It won't happen overnight!

I absolutely remember being right where you are, I told the judge at my ex's sentencing that I wanted my old self back. I wanted to look at a sunset and feel joyful again, I wanted to play board games with the grandchildren and laugh again. And after almost two years I'm getting there. There IS hope and the first step is articulating the desire to change.

[charred]

Tip... if it is something you need to do all the time... like practice mindfulness, or go exercise, or diet... or anything like that... use the reminders in your phone. I use google calendar with my android to make a racket each time I am supposed to do things, or else I would space them off. There is a free mindfulness bell app that works well if you leave it on and pay attention to it.

[peiper]

Remember thinking of her all the time screws up your head. At least it does mine. For me I dont go for that go for a walk

Crap. You have to find you in you... Clean your home for you, not her, do things for you. Find things that will help you move on. You will get there. My T said watch action movies, which I tought was silly but she was right. Go rent Die Hard or something, it will release the tension try it

[Ihope2]

For me it means making myself a nice, tasty and healthy dinner at the end of the day and enjoying the taste of the food. 

I used to have major food issues many years ago, anorexia type eating habits in my twenties and thirties.  I forbade myself to eat certain things, like butter and salty crisps and chocolate. Now I allow myself to eat these in moderation and minus the guilt.

And I order myself an interesting book every month or so, to help me understand my hurt inner child issues, or to become in touch with my spirtuality.

I have been an obsessive runner doing ultramarathons and the like, running 6 days a week without fail, come rain or shine, so I am now allowing myself to scale down the level of compulsion to exercise, and I try to run 3-4 times a week now.  I would love to get back into swimming more regularly, swimming makes me feel better than running does.  It is more therapeutic.  Would also love to practise yoga again.  So much I would like to do outside of my work hours, but like most I work 8 hours a day and commute an hour to and from work. 

So the healthy dinners, reading sustaining, affirming literature, and regular jogging will have to do it for now