Broke NC

[christoff522]

Broke no contact today - not my proudest episode.

I finally got credit, so I ended up testing the waters, I think just out of curiosity. I left a message basically saying "Hey everyone, finally got credit, been long enough -Chris".

What followed was a brief exchange, she basically told me off for giving her ex bf a new word "narcissistic", which apparently he uses all the time during arguments now. I knew he'd dumped her already though. I told her she broke my heart, that I thought it was pretty narcissistic how she left me so I wouldn't leave her. She then told me she'd talk to me later, then a bit later said she wouldn't talk to me, then she told me not to message her, then she apologised and said she was dealing with the aftermath of a break up, Then she asked me why i wasn't replying.

I can't deal with it, I'm feeling nothing positive about it, Like blimblam just utterly adores and worships his lady, me, I just keep thinking about how horrendous I felt when she left. Knowing it would never work, that she would always leave, and make me feel like ___. I know, I know if I talked to her things would get to normal, but BPD normal isn't real normal - its twisted and disgusting and makes me feel sick to think about it.

I'm torn, I don't want to go through it - but earlier I was teared up thinking about her. I hate that she's like this. I can't imagine the pain she's going through every day. But I just can't talk to her - everytime I'm tempted I just feel sick. I keep thinking, what would I really get out of this? What would the result be? how would I feel? will we grow old together? will we marry and have babies? would she ever choose me over her ex? would she be faithful? would she suddenly become emotionally stable? would she ever truly love me?

I think this contact today has brought everything back, I'd started missing her and her presence in my life - I was getting lonely, and those rose tinted glasses came over my eyes again. But as soon as she replied... that was it - I can't have this, I can't suffer at her hands again. I truly am nothing to her - so *blank* this - her last text was 90 minutes ago, sorry L - I'm not having it.

I hope I don't give in to temptation, the fact that I won't delete her number shows just how tempted I am, maybe, somewhere I hate myself and want to suffer this. Or maybe I'm so desperate to be with her, that shes so beautiful to me that I'm willing to do anything just to hold her in my arms, and the knowledge that she is how she is makes me feel ill.

Who knows. All I do know, is I feel physically and mentally more at peace without her.

[BacknthSaddle]

Broke no contact today - not my proudest episode.

All I do know, is I feel physically and mentally more at peace without her.

This says it all.  Go easy on yourself my friend.  So many of us have been in similar situations.  Recently, for whatever reason, it seems that many of us have struggle with contact recently.  We will survive, and we will RADICALLY accept, and we will be happy. 

[christoff522]

Broke no contact today - not my proudest episode.

All I do know, is I feel physically and mentally more at peace without her.

This says it all.  Go easy on yourself my friend.  So many of us have been in similar situations.  Recently, for whatever reason, it seems that many of us have struggle with contact recently.  We will survive, and we will RADICALLY accept, and we will be happy. 

Thanks, its weird, I've been so strong for so long... but these past few days, I've felt more strongly for her, I think it's just loneliness really.

One thing that has strengthened me is I just went on her exes profile, he's deleted her, and theres photos of him at a theme park with a friend with a big smile on his face! Good lad!

I've never been as unhappy without her as he has been. I'm proud of him - the things she's said about him to me in the past, I cannot put into words just how upset I was when they got back together - to know I had a hand in him getting away from her - thats nothing to be ashamed of. Her ignorance that he was using those terms (narcissistic) in arguments were because SHE WAS CAUSING ARGUMENTS.

She really is completely focused on herself - thats all it is, this BPD is truly "borderline narcissism" - she's coping with the "aftermath" of a break up - no seeming inquiry as to why. Focusing her anger on ME, no desire to change, its - his fault, my fault.

eugh.

[learnandgrow]

Loneliness will make you feel that was sometimes... .

She won't be as happy as she parades around to be. For example, my ex posted a picture today of her looking, probably, the best she's ever looked. More effort put into this outfit and appearance than any single day spent with me. Of course, she posted it in such a way where I would be able to see the picture.

You have to remember she's probably complaining about you to the new guy, or already stretching his boundaries and pushing him. I know the new guy for my ex has already been hurt because of how she's been publicly attacking me. I know they text and call back and forth nonstop. It's not healthy. He's already sucked in and going down a bad path... .just compare it to what happened to you. It can't end well... .and never will end well for her. But it can for you.

[christoff522]

Loneliness will make you feel that was sometimes... .

She won't be as happy as she parades around to be. For example, my ex posted a picture today of her looking, probably, the best she's ever looked. More effort put into this outfit and appearance than any single day spent with me. Of course, she posted it in such a way where I would be able to see the picture.

You have to remember she's probably complaining about you to the new guy, or already stretching his boundaries and pushing him. I know the new guy for my ex has already been hurt because of how she's been publicly attacking me. I know they text and call back and forth nonstop. It's not healthy. He's already sucked in and going down a bad path... .just compare it to what happened to you. It can't end well... .and never will end well for her. But it can for you.

Shes just text me (I haven't replied to any of her messages for the last 8 hours) saying "stay away from me and (her ex), don't message me or him in the nicest way i can put it". Why would she even say that? One message she's apologising, the next she's telling me leave her alone (when I was already doing that anyway. I know she's emotionally unstable. Is she just trying to hurt me? Her ex is off to theme parks with his friends, I've been work all day and actually really enjoyed myself (life and soul of the party at work) had a good laugh tbh.

Is she trying to bait me into replying? aww man i just wanna cry - what have I let myself in for?

[learnandgrow]

I can only speak from what I've experienced, but every text or call from my ex after she "moved on" has been to bait me into replying. Nothing positive has come out of it. Even "I screwed up and I'm sorry. I've been so depressed I can't eat." I responded to that one and nothing came of it.

They thrive on the attention... .it's you or her. Don't respond and don't feed into it. It's hard but every time I have I've been the sucker.

[christoff522]

I can only speak from what I've experienced, but every text or call from my ex after she "moved on" has been to bait me into replying. Nothing positive has come out of it. Even "I screwed up and I'm sorry. I've been so depressed I can't eat." I responded to that one and nothing came of it.

They thrive on the attention... .it's you or her. Don't respond and don't feed into it. It's hard but every time I have I've been the sucker.

She's cold as ice. I told her look after herself and I was having nothing to do with her cos she just hurts me(basically what I said). She sent a list of why I was full of ___, and that she didn't need me to tell her to look after herself. I said it was very much needed. That she was going to have a hard life ahead of her.

Her reply "why do I"

I'm actually shaking...

[christoff522]

well it told her she has BPD, shes sent message after message about me "sabotaging her life", she says she loves her ex - even though he's dumped her - apparently he has anger and aggression issues. I'm done with her... I've told her as much, battery is out of my phone. I'm going to go to bed, pray for forgiveness for my stupidity.

To quote Captain Picard [she's] next of kin to chaos. I can feel the stress already. I'll just read what she's texted tomorrow, and enjoy my new bible thats due for delivery tomorrow. I've never understood when people said the emotions in their gut that they feel when in contact with them.

I just hate it when she makes out like im a crazy weirdo "leave me alone let me get on with my life". I know it doesn't compute with her - but she RIPPED MY LIFE APART! I wish I'd remembered, But I needed closure, I guess this is my closure - me making the decisions here. I know I could manipulate her, I know I could sort it out - but I DONT REALLY WANT IT. Inside I don't - inside theres naught but disdain and anger towards her. Well - the disorder.

[christoff522]

Didn't get sleep til about 5am, she kept insisting that she be allowed to ring for just '2 minutes', I refused, put my phone on flight mode and went sleep. Texted her a goodbye message today saying that maybe when all the bad feeling had gone one day maybe we could be friends. Her reply "answer ok?"

No.

[antjs]

so I ended up testing the waters

sometimes we have this urge to test the waters. but we find it still to be the water of a filthy lake. sometimes when we go away of this lake long enough and we are sitting alone in another land we just miss this lake and its picture in our head that is so photoshopped. but when you are back to the lake you can see that it is filthy, full of blood and dead fish. you don't want to jump into that lake again.

i broke contact less than a week ago (you can find the post of: i broke NC). i found a picture backed up on my dropbox of a screenshot containing a poem that my ex did write to me during the idealization phase. i was already in pain for 3 months. for 3 months i cant literally breathe. last encounter was bad as i called her bad names. i broke the contact this time sending her the screenshot followed by some nice sentences of take care of yourself and hope the best for you (she gave me the silent treatment since we broke up and told her that she is BPD and thats why i texted her bad names earlier). this was my closure. a good closure. i needed this. i dont care to give her anything. she will never give me closure. i did this and said to myself "this is who i am, even if she was really cruel and mean. this was not me who insulted her earlier. it does not represent me." guess what ? after sending her this message -----> chest tightness gone, pain gone, anxiety lost, feeling normal. it felt like i lost tons of pain baggage in a second ! i said to myself "was this the thing that kept me stuck in the pain ? why did not i do it earlier ?" yes i am not encouraging anyone to contact their ex. i still think that NC is the golden rule but sometimes we gonna get back to the lake and see it in reality to omit the photoshopped image from our minds.

i hope you find stability, peace of mind and wisdom from this last contact. I would also like to share this with you. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228344.0 its a post by me in the personal inventory. it pretty much talks about the photoshopped image in our minds.

[christoff522]

so I ended up testing the waters

sometimes we have this urge to test the waters. but we find it still to be the water of a filthy lake. sometimes when we go away of this lake long enough and we are sitting alone in another land we just miss this lake and its picture in our head that is so photoshopped. but when you are back to the lake you can see that it is filthy, full of blood and dead fish. you don't want to jump into that lake again.

i broke contact less than a week ago (you can find the post of: i broke NC). i found a picture backed up on my dropbox of a screenshot containing a poem that my ex did write to me during the idealization phase. i was already in pain for 3 months. for 3 months i cant literally breathe. last encounter was bad as i called her bad names. i broke the contact this time sending her the screenshot followed by some nice sentences of take care of yourself and hope the best for you (she gave me the silent treatment since we broke up and told her that she is BPD and thats why i texted her bad names earlier). this was my closure. a good closure. i needed this. i dont care to give her anything. she will never give me closure. i did this and said to myself "this is who i am, even if she was really cruel and mean. this was not me who insulted her earlier. it does not represent me." guess what ? after sending her this message -----> chest tightness gone, pain gone, anxiety lost, feeling normal. it felt like i lost tons of pain baggage in a second ! i said to myself "was this the thing that kept me stuck in the pain ? why did not i do it earlier ?" yes i am not encouraging anyone to contact their ex. i still think that NC is the golden rule but sometimes we gonna get back to the lake and see it in reality to omit the photoshopped image from our minds.

i hope you find stability, peace of mind and wisdom from this last contact. I would also like to share this with you. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228344.0 its a post by me in the personal inventory. it pretty much talks about the photoshopped image in our minds.

Thank you very much! Oddly it was three months for me too. I ended up giving in an the 2 minute phone call lasted about 15 minutes - her mum came in so she "had to go". She apologised for yesterday and how mean she'd been. So once she'd gone I texted her again, and she became mean and told me she couldn't understand why I'd messaged her cos "it just causes trouble", I told her i messaged her cos i missed her, and I hoped everything worked out with her and her ex - who apparently is really abusive and has anger issues, but she loves him "despite" that.

Anyway, she took me saying I missed her as me being madly in love with her and tried to stop me in my tracks. "Why would you say that, well... i'll stop it right there, just don't message me" - then I replied with "How can I not think you have borderline personality disorder when one minute you're 'let me ring you please" and then telling me not to message you.np I wont message youx

She then followed up with "I don't have a personality disorder :'("

I then said "okay, im too old to be upsetting people like that, lets just call it a day cos I'm bringing back bad memories for you xx"

So now I've told her she has BPD. I told her because I don't see it going any further between us now. I needed to say it, I hope she tells her mum, and her mum researches it to try and disprove it for her. I see the symptoms from this distance surely her mother will.

Within that phone call was her telling me how wrong I was about her ex, yet how she loves him, about her protecting her nephew, about how nervous she was and felt awkward, and about how sorry she was about being mean. Yet - 2 minutes after shes being demonic again.

If ever I was uncertain about BPD this proved it for me, it also proves that her and I would never work because I can't be with someone who'd cheat and I can't trust or believe a word of. The dissembling about her making a new facebook profile a few months ago, as though I wasn't THERE when she made it, and part of the reason she had to make it because her ex discovered our facebook chat.

I said to her "you do know who I am right?", apparently now she made it because her and her ex had a row. Yet its the exact same one!

If she can so easily lie about that... what else?

I'm done anyway, I feel like a weight is lifted, and just a bit sad that it REALLY IS OVER NOW!

[Blimblam]

 christoff,

I can understand where you are coming from man about testing the waters!  It seems like you have a pretty good self awareness of why you went back though as Backinthesaddle pointed out.  There is no shame in it man none at all!  

Its crazy how that horrible feeling rises up so much stronger from the contact.  I think that's the point though.  That terrible feeling they inspire in us has all the answers. It is like they are teaching us how to feel again, an extremely painful process and that's an understatement. We go back looking for something and we will keep going back until realizing they are showing us exactly what we need to see.

I think I broke NC over and over because I needed her to show me something I had buried deep down inside. She was showing me the way but I did not recognize the vessel. While I have had many relationships with borderline women in my life only has this one hurt me enough to inspire a breakthrough that is leading to some real healing.It just didn't happen how I wanted or expect is all. It is all just so very very twisted.

I think of mine as my angel and muse... .she saved me from my false self and inspired me to heal.  I will one day work through this trauma and heal.  She bears the burden of living in pain for life. it is up to us to find the beauty in the pain which is what we were looking for in them the whole time but its in ourselves That beauty though is not how I expected it either, it is not unicorns and rainbows, and it is uncomfortable to process at its best so far.

[christoff522]

christoff,

I can understand where you are coming from man about testing the waters!  It seems like you have a pretty good self awareness of why you went back though as Backinthesaddle pointed out.  There is no shame in it man none at all!  

She's definitely got me painted black, i trigger the heck out of her. I am pretty sure I went back simply because I missed her at that point. I wanted SOMEONE as I was lonely. I've been dwelling on this for 3 months, with little change. It was like I was stuck in the moment.

Its crazy how that horrible feeling rises up so much stronger from the contact.  I think that's the point though.  That terrible feeling they inspire in us has all the answers. It is like they are teaching us how to feel again, an extremely painful process and that's an understatement. We go back looking for something and we will keep going back until realizing they are showing us exactly what we need to see.

Its like butterflies, anxiety, nausea... and I haven't spoke to her this entire day, yet its still there. Its addiction, pure and simple.

I think I broke NC over and over because I needed her to show me something I had buried deep down inside. She was showing me the way but I did not recognize the vessel. While I have had many relationships with borderline women in my life only has this one hurt me enough to inspire a breakthrough that is leading to some real healing.It just didn't happen how I wanted or expect is all. It is all just so very very twisted.

I think we all have our own reasons for it, mine was simply loneliness, and worry that I won't have anyone else - and a sort of disorder I have towards her. I think in many ways I enjoy the drama... its messed up.

I think of mine as my angel and muse... .she saved me from my false self and inspired me to heal.  I will one day work through this trauma and heal.  She bears the burden of living in pain for life. it is up to us to find the beauty in the pain which is what we were looking for in them the whole time but its in ourselves That beauty though is not how I expected it either, it is not unicorns and rainbows, and it is uncomfortable to process at its best so far.

I refuse to romanticise it, I certainly could... but I think at that point it'd be like 'natural born killers' - I don't see anything good that could come from it. The guy she loves she's claiming beats the crap out of her, shes mental - maybe he is, but I don't trust a word she says. Its up to me to forget about this whole thing, I don't want to find the meaning in the pain anymore, there isn't any. I just need to get with a lady thats not melo-dramatic, twisted and a bully. Personally I don't find any beauty in BPD - its demonic in my opinion.

The three months we had together she's practically forgotten, she was telling me about stuff I was involved in as if I wasn't even there. How horrendously bad is that?

[Blimblam]

" it also proves that her and I would never work because I can't be with someone who'd cheat and I can't trust or believe a word of"

that's a powerful realization! I find the further I progress I come back to this realization and bargain a little bit each time and at these moments I really feel reaching out to contact her, but then I don't even know what to say.


"I'm done anyway, I feel like a weight is lifted, and just a bit sad that it REALLY IS OVER NOW!"

that's a good place to be. Do you ever feel like you do internal bargaining and come to this same conclusion over and over?

.

" Its up to me to forget about this whole thing, I don't want to find the meaning in the pain anymore, there isn't any."

this is just the thing, forgetting, I think is irrelevant.  The meaning of  feeling the pain is to process it and not burry it, I think.   The gift of the borderline, romanticism aside, is in the devaluing stage I feel her punitive parent influences them to hurt our inner hidden child right down to our core truamas and it is a valuable opportunity to process these emotions hidden within us. I think most people that develop addictions have some core truamas they are not dealing with and self medicate through various addictions. 

"I just need to get with a lady thats not melo-dramatic, twisted and a bully. Personally I don't find any beauty in BPD - its demonic in my opinion."

You need to heal don't burry the emotions or you will bring that baggage to the next relationship.  Yeah a lady like that sounds nice the thing is my BPD ex didn't seem like any of that until down the road.

[christoff522]

" it also proves that her and I would never work because I can't be with someone who'd cheat and I can't trust or believe a word of"

that's a powerful realization! I find the further I progress I come back to this realization and bargain a little bit each time and at these moments I really feel reaching out to contact her, but then I don't even know what to say.

She text me earlier saying she'd unblocked me on fb but shes 'not adding me'. Tbh I've pushed the issue of BPD, shes doesn't like that, apparently shes "just me".

"I'm done anyway, I feel like a weight is lifted, and just a bit sad that it REALLY IS OVER NOW!"

that's a good place to be. Do you ever feel like you do internal bargaining and come to this same conclusion over and over?

Yes, everytime I say something to her, I'm thinking "Is this the right thing to do, this is never gonna work out" - I even said to her, you'll just leave me anyway, whats the point. But then half an hour later I messaged her saying that love isn't pain.

" Its up to me to forget about this whole thing, I don't want to find the meaning in the pain anymore, there isn't any."

this is just the thing, forgetting, I think is irrelevant.  The meaning of  feeling the pain is to process it and not burry it, I think.   The gift of the borderline, romanticism aside, is in the devaluing stage I feel her punitive parent influences them to hurt our inner hidden child right down to our core truamas and it is a valuable opportunity to process these emotions hidden within us. I think most people that develop addictions have some core truamas they are not dealing with and self medicate through various addictions. 

I think I see what you're saying, they see the 'bad side' of us, and have a right go at us basically.

"I just need to get with a lady thats not melo-dramatic, twisted and a bully. Personally I don't find any beauty in BPD - its demonic in my opinion."

You need to heal don't burry the emotions or you will bring that baggage to the next relationship.  Yeah a lady like that sounds nice the thing is my BPD ex didn't seem like any of that until down the road.

Yes, but most women AREN'T like that. Its our own self deprecation that leads us into this. However, it seems shes in my life again, and is to stay, at least on some level... If I find someone else in the meantime, I will reject her and move on. I know that sounds nasty... but she would do the same, and she wouldn't do it at the speed I would... she'd let me hang... I wouldn't do that.

[Blimblam]

Quote

" Its up to me to forget about this whole thing, I don't want to find the meaning in the pain anymore, there isn't any."

this is just the thing, forgetting, I think is irrelevant.  The meaning of  feeling the pain is to process it and not burry it, I think.   The gift of the borderline, romanticism aside, is in the devaluing stage I feel her punitive parent influences them to hurt our inner hidden child right down to our core truamas and it is a valuable opportunity to process these emotions hidden within us. I think most people that develop addictions have some core truamas they are not dealing with and self medicate through various addictions.  


"I think I see what you're saying, they see the 'bad side' of us, and have a right go at us basically."

Im not sure they even really see "us" at all. I think it is more about how we identify with their projections and they see our reactions. They see what we present to the world which can be total bullish as in the case of a narcissist or sociopath but because the sociopath doesn't react to their negative projections they don't see the "bad side."  It is nothing personal!

I think it comes down to how we identify with their behaviors. What do they provide that we are trying to resolve by continuing to put up with their BS?

They see their projections and our outward presentation.  They pick up on facial expressions and body language very strongly.  It is always interpreted according to their current perceived needs of the disorder.

Higher complex emotions scare them because they do not understand them. That is our projection onto them. when we hold them accountable to our projection it upsets them when it is no longer idealization.  Just like when they hold us accountable to their projection it upsets us once it is no longer idealization.

They will tell us things like, "why wont you accept who I am?"

It is difficult to understand something we can not comprehend such as the disorder. They begin to lie to us to "protect" us.  They don't want us to abandon them but they do not want to be engulfed by our projection on to them they can not live up to. They call us "needy," because we need them to live up to our projection onto them. They view our projection on to them as controlling.

We will say things like, "don't you understand what I mean?"

The answer is no, but they fear we wont accept that and when they tell us they don't understand, In our denial we refuse to accept that and persist.  So, they lie to us to make us happy and resent us for not accepting who they are.

[christoff522]

Quote

" Its up to me to forget about this whole thing, I don't want to find the meaning in the pain anymore, there isn't any."

this is just the thing, forgetting, I think is irrelevant.  The meaning of  feeling the pain is to process it and not burry it, I think.   The gift of the borderline, romanticism aside, is in the devaluing stage I feel her punitive parent influences them to hurt our inner hidden child right down to our core truamas and it is a valuable opportunity to process these emotions hidden within us. I think most people that develop addictions have some core truamas they are not dealing with and self medicate through various addictions.  


"I think I see what you're saying, they see the 'bad side' of us, and have a right go at us basically."

Im not sure they even really see "us" at all. I think it is more about how we identify with their projections and they see our reactions. They see what we present to the world which can be total bullish as in the case of a narcissist or sociopath but because the sociopath doesn't react to their negative projections they don't see the "bad side."  It is nothing personal!

I think it comes down to how we identify with their behaviors. What do they provide that we are trying to resolve by continuing to put up with their BS?

They see their projections and our outward presentation.  They pick up on facial expressions and body language very strongly.  It is always interpreted according to their current perceived needs of the disorder.

Higher complex emotions scare them because they do not understand them. That is our projection onto them. when we hold them accountable to our projection it upsets them when it is no longer idealization.  Just like when they hold us accountable to their projection it upsets us once it is no longer idealization.

They will tell us things like, "why wont you accept who I am?"

It is difficult to understand something we can not comprehend such as the disorder. They begin to lie to us to "protect" us.  They don't want us to abandon them but they do not want to be engulfed by our projection on to them they can not live up to. They call us "needy," because we need them to live up to our projection onto them. They view our projection on to them as controlling.

We will say things like, "don't you understand what I mean?"

The answer is no, but they fear we wont accept that and when they tell us they don't understand, In our denial we refuse to accept that and persist.  So, they lie to us to make us happy and resent us for not accepting who they are.

That makes a lot of sense. All has gone quiet atm, I sent this message: "I love you, and you're going to hurt me even more than last time. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you. Please be happy... please find the one. take care xx"

I'm not sure what I want right now, But I'm half hoping that she texts me tonight. I just don't understand this myself. I've learned so much that its kind of devastating to see it all play out as we talk. Her flitting emotionally from one state to another. Knowing she only talks to me because she has no one else. I feel so bad for her, the agony she's in daily. I love the quiet... .but it could always just be silent treatment, or the end... .

If this continues, I'm very quickly going to mount up posts on here... I'll need this place more than ever.

[Blimblam]

If she sent you post like that and posted in the boards we would say that is a hurtful manipulative post. She will definately take it that way! She will then need to be soothed.  A message like that will trigger her.  I sent a message like that too and I regret it soo much.  She did a bunch if stuff to hurt me after a message like that.

Your shooting yourself in the foot and only leaving yourself one option but to leave.  I exited the same way.  It is one of the most painfull ways or both sides.  Do yourself a favor and learn to communicate without triggering her so often or go no contact. 

[Blimblam]

The emotion I sent her when I was in that style of communication to her is shame.  Don't u see that fuels her fears and makes u the bad guy. She can show that message to people to paint u black. Take a break from any contact for a few days to think about it.  But after a message like that anything but no contact and you are in for a world of pain. 

[christoff522]

The emotion I sent her when I was in that style of communication to her is shame.  Don't u see that fuels her fears and makes u the bad guy. She can show that message to people to paint u black. Take a break from any contact for a few days to think about it.  But after a message like that anything but no contact and you are in for a world of pain. 

I had no idea... I had hoped she would feel like I cared, but was in pain. I don't want to trigger her but I don't know what to do!

[Changingman]

"She text me earlier saying she'd unblocked me on fb but shes 'not adding me'.

She'll manipulate you/see how wonderful her life is/know that you are still hooked on FB, but punish you by not adding you. (God has the world really got to this puny point)

Tbh I've pushed the issue of BPD, shes doesn't like that, apparently shes "just me"

Perhaps she is "Just Me". Sam Vaknin states that Personality Disorders are immutable once solidly formed, what would be left? (Traits are different, we all have some).

The question is much simpler for us I think, are you prepared to have yourself and your life annihilated? Even with DBT it takes years and no guarantee that they will stay. The 'cured' person? what does that look like? Who knows, will you like it, and what will you be after all these years of therapy, will you survive as a human being till the end?

If you still have her number/she has yours its a connection to her! What would you say to a heroin addict who keeps a hit in his pocket BUT is 'giving up'?

I originally blocked her on my phone and now I have changed my phone number. This is a message to me, not her. I am not punishing her I am being honest and prudent with myself.

Be radical in your decisions, end the abuse. Careful with feeling lonely... .

NOTHING MAKES

US MORE VULNERABLE

THAN LONELINESS,

EXCEPT GREED.

THOMAS HARRIS

THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

[christoff522]

Well I re-established communication. I'm going to be as un-clingy as possible but still kind and loving. I've read about how to communicate with someone with BPD - seems difficult but I've got to try. Just so I can say to myself - I did everything. Right now I know I'm being a bad guy to her, I've been argumentative and blaming and its wrong of me. So I'm going to work on healing whilst keeping 'limited contact' and see how it goes.

[christoff522]

"She text me earlier saying she'd unblocked me on fb but shes 'not adding me'.

She'll manipulate you/see how wonderful her life is/know that you are still hooked on FB, but punish you by not adding you. (God has the world really got to this puny point)

Tbh I've pushed the issue of BPD, shes doesn't like that, apparently shes "just me"

Perhaps she is "Just Me". Sam Vaknin states that Personality Disorders are immutable once solidly formed, what would be left? (Traits are different, we all have some).

The question is much simpler for us I think, are you prepared to have yourself and your life annihilated? Even with DBT it takes years and no guarantee that they will stay. The 'cured' person? what does that look like? Who knows, will you like it, and what will you be after all these years of therapy, will you survive as a human being till the end?

If you still have her number/she has yours its a connection to her! What would you say to a heroin addict who keeps a hit in his pocket BUT is 'giving up'?

I originally blocked her on my phone and now I have changed my phone number. This is a message to me, not her. I am not punishing her I am being honest and prudent with myself.

Be radical in your decisions, end the abuse. Careful with feeling lonely... .

NOTHING MAKES

US MORE VULNERABLE

THAN LONELINESS,

EXCEPT GREED.

THOMAS HARRIS

THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

Well said changingman, One day I am sure that I will have your courage. I totally want to delete her number, change mine. I'm one of those little weirdos that won't get the message. As soon as we talk she's in there... "why later? why not now". I've got to be limited in my communication, not immediate answers etc. I've gotta forumlate every message I write etc.

I do not want to look 'needy' even though I am.

[learnandgrow]

She really has you wrapped around her finger, doesn't she? You don't "have" to try. You aren't wrong for being upset and angry for being manipulated, lied to, and jerked around. "Limited contact" is what she wants... .so she can keep abusing, degrading, humiliating, and stringing you along. The only affection you will get is a farce when she needs a quick fix. You're being "clingy" just from sticking around after all of that. She now sees you as weak.

Everyone here has gone through nearly the same thing and you have been gifted a wealth of advice. It's ultimately your choice if you choose to ignore it and hurt yourself further. I can say with certainty if you continue this way you will be hurting yourself further. You can deny it all you want or somehow hope that this woman with BPD is different than the others... .but they never are different.

"Formulating" your responses doesn't mean jack... .and it's showing me you don't really understand what's going on in her head. She is sick. You are black. You are not her object of desire any longer. You cannot "logic" or "nice" her into being a magically healthy human being.

Well I re-established communication. I'm going to be as un-clingy as possible but still kind and loving. I've read about how to communicate with someone with BPD - seems difficult but I've got to try. Just so I can say to myself - I did everything. Right now I know I'm being a bad guy to her, I've been argumentative and blaming and its wrong of me. So I'm going to work on healing whilst keeping 'limited contact' and see how it goes.

[Mr Hollande]

Both Changingman and Learnandgrow say it so well. I'll take the liberty to add that not all the combined love in the world will cure what she has.

[christoff522]

She really has you wrapped around her finger, doesn't she? You don't "have" to try. You aren't wrong for being upset and angry for being manipulated, lied to, and jerked around. "Limited contact" is what she wants... .so she can keep abusing, degrading, humiliating, and stringing you along. The only affection you will get is a farce when she needs a quick fix. You're being "clingy" just from sticking around after all of that. She now sees you as weak.

Everyone here has gone through nearly the same thing and you have been gifted a wealth of advice. It's ultimately your choice if you choose to ignore it and hurt yourself further. I can say with certainty if you continue this way you will be hurting yourself further. You can deny it all you want or somehow hope that this woman with BPD is different than the others... .but they never are different.

"Formulating" your responses doesn't mean jack... .and it's showing me you don't really understand what's going on in her head. She is sick. You are black. You are not her object of desire any longer. You cannot "logic" or "nice" her into being a magically healthy human being.

Well I re-established communication. I'm going to be as un-clingy as possible but still kind and loving. I've read about how to communicate with someone with BPD - seems difficult but I've got to try. Just so I can say to myself - I did everything. Right now I know I'm being a bad guy to her, I've been argumentative and blaming and its wrong of me. So I'm going to work on healing whilst keeping 'limited contact' and see how it goes.

I've asked her if she could ever love me again. Awaiting her response. Based on what she says and what you've said here I'll make my decision as to whether or not to carry on.

[christoff522]

I'm so depressed right now, just because I'm in contact with her. She's not being mean or anything, but I just proper don't feel right... I think I'm ashamed of myself for getting into contact and not being able to finish it.

[Split black]

I'm so depressed right now, just because I'm in contact with her. She's not being mean or anything, but I just proper don't feel right... I think I'm ashamed of myself for getting into contact and not being able to finish it.

Listen bro... .

DO NOT be so hard on yourself. Ive been recycled 5 times, I dont know I have lost count. I just was yet again after months of NC. And Im old enough to be her father. And I had " game " my entire life. Im not a beta chump. But she has reduced me... .let me rephrase... .I have reduced myself to a crumb eating pile of manure.

I can tell you that once you are BLACK... .you are really never un split. No they are not all the same, but they share so many commonalities its surreal.

We all know what you are going thru... .its relentless... .  there really is only one thing that you can possibly do because at the end of the day... .you aint had enough until you have had enough... .  and many nons on this board, myself included seem to be ready to allow an endless supply of suffering.

This has been one hell of a miserable but enlightening journey for me... .  and Im not out of the woods by any means, but I would read EVERY bit of material on detaching, and radical acceptance and mindfulness etc... .because its over. Cry, scream, rant at the gods, its not going to change reality for what it is. AND ITS NOT YOU... .no really... .its not. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed this outcome... .

Ask yourself how long, how miserable are you going to allow yourself to feel this way.  If you are not in therapy, find a good therapist that specializes in BPD and go work through this process. It sucks, it hurts, and it doesn't matter how old you are. The wounds of that little child in you run deep. Fight.

[Blimblam]

I'm so depressed right now, just because I'm in contact with her. She's not being mean or anything, but I just proper don't feel right... I think I'm ashamed of myself for getting into contact and not being able to finish it.

that's part of the process.  surrender to your emotions.  What is it about the shame you are compelled to?  WHat is hiding in that shame? When I dug into the shame I had my "big breakthrough."  Who did you try your best to love that you felt ashamed of because you could not make the connection you needed in your childhood?  A lot of members recommend books by the author brene Brown about shame and vulnerability.  

When I had my "big breakthrough,"  the uncomfortable feeling in my chest and gut did not go away.  The breakthrough was just the point I began to understand what it was I am feeling, but the intensity decrease a tremendous amount. There is still loads of work to be done after that.

[Blimblam]

I'm so depressed right now, just because I'm in contact with her. She's not being mean or anything, but I just proper don't feel right... I think I'm ashamed of myself for getting into contact and not being able to finish it.

also I want to let you know this validates my experience soo much. Over and over for months and months. I guess I needed to re-experience that pain over and over deeper and deeper to get to the core.