Fear of Abandonment and Greater Commitment

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just curious if some of you have experienced that greater commitment to your partner with BPD (engagement/marriage)  has helped to ease the fear of abandonment and helped to improve behaviors.

I live with my partner and have been clearly committed to her, but that has never been enough for her due to her fears.  She constantly asks for marriage and a deeper commitment and can articulate her fear of being abandoned, but her fears cause irrational behavior which make the idea of greater commitment or staying with her very difficult. 

She's very smart, very high functioning. When she's around kids and my family, she is amazing. She had a horrible upbringing in a horrible place, and it understandably scarred her. Yet she survived and is able to be a bright star 95% of the time. But that other 5% is horrifying. Circumstance gives me a few weeks time to make a decision on making a fairly clean break so I'll likely be back with more questions as I sort thru it. Its so hard because I'm so in love with the 95%, shes my dream. But the 5% is a total nightmare.

[confusedinny]

Just curious if some of you have experienced that greater commitment to your partner with BPD (engagement/marriage)  has helped to ease the fear of abandonment and helped to improve behaviors.

I live with my partner and have been clearly committed to her, but that has never been enough for her due to her fears.  She constantly asks for marriage and a deeper commitment and can articulate her fear of being abandoned, but her fears cause irrational behavior which make the idea of greater commitment or staying with her very difficult. 

She's very smart, very high functioning. When she's around kids and my family, she is amazing. She had a horrible upbringing in a horrible place, and it understandably scarred her. Yet she survived and is able to be a bright star 95% of the time. But that other 5% is horrifying. Circumstance gives me a few weeks time to make a decision on making a fairly clean break so I'll likely be back with more questions as I sort thru it. Its so hard because I'm so in love with the 95%, shes my dream. But the 5% is a total nightmare.

[an0ught]

Hi confusedinny,

Just curious if some of you have experienced that greater commitment to your partner with BPD (engagement/marriage)  has helped to ease the fear of abandonment and helped to improve behaviors.

difficult to say with fear of abandonment but don't think it matters much. The fear is not rationale so formal commitments can sooth for a short period of time but are soon forgotten. We can't solve emotional problems with facts. Emotional problems need to be solved by addressing emotions.

With respect to behavior it is worth noting that formal commitment like marriage brings people together and lowers boundaries. Lower boundaries makes it easier to blame the other side for emotional problems and easier to not solve the problems on the originating side. Generally the pwBPD will struggle more in an environment with weak boundaries. Marriage and similar commitments without boundary skills won't make the situation better - more the opposite.

There may be good reasons to marry but behavior of the pwBPD is not one.

[peiper]

In my case marriage made it much worse. Six months and shes filed divorce papers after moving out three times then wanting back.

[Forestaken]

In my case marriage made it much worse. Six months and shes filed divorce papers after moving out three times then wanting back.

Marriage made it worse for me too.