How I handled broken NC

[BacknthSaddle]

The last couple days, after NC for a month or so, my ex has been texting me, just asking me how are you etc.  I have not blocked her (as I should), and while my initial instinct was to re-iterate that we shouldn't have contact, I just started a new job 4 days ago with increased responsibility, was very stressed, and simply didn't have the energy for the argument that would ensue.  Instead, I answered her questions briefly and dispassionately, didn't ask anything about her personal life and otherwise kept it impersonal.  She was clearly irritated by this but nothing came of it.

Yesterday she texted me "I miss my best friend."  (FYI this is devaluing in the context of our relationship, given that we talked about being the loves of each others lives, having kids together blah blah blah.  Even when she reaches out the devaluing persists).  At this point my urge was, as I have in the past, to complain about this characterization of our relationship, but instead I just said "It's been a long time." After this I got a volley of texts about how alone she feels, how she's struggling, how her ex-husband is a sociopath, etc. I finally gave in and said something vaguely emotionally laced like "I hate to hear that you feel so alone."  She said "I know it will pass," I said "I know it's still tough now though," and then... .nothing.  After several days of reaching out in increasingly invested fashion, she confirmed there was still some attachment and that was it. 

I will say I feel quite good about things actually.  One, although I was triggered to say things that would have led to increasing devaluation and unpleasantness, I held myself back.  And it wasn't too difficult to do so.  I'm done with those conversation.  More importantly, I confirmed what I already knew: "friendship" to her means grasping for an attachment when she "needs" something.  Once she knows it's there, she's not interested anymore, and she's gone.  And that is pathology.  This was true during the idealization phase two years ago as well, but at that time, when I was being seduced, I was blind to the fact that I was just meeting a need.  As I'm sure other men have been since. 

One step closer to radical acceptance.  Again, I should have blocked or not responded at all, and I'm disappointed that allowed any emotion at all to creep in, but there can be silver linings to breaking NC in cases like this. 

[BacknthSaddle]

Although I have felt triggered by the "best friend" s**t all day. Nonetheless, the urge to confront her about it is not nearly what it used to be.

[heartandwhole]

Hi BacknthSaddle,

I think you handled the situation well.  It's not easy to have contact with someone you love(d), especially when her messages are tugging at heart strings.  I'm not sure I would have done as well with that as you have.

It's great that this experience has solidified something for you, I do think that is a blessing, even though it's understandable that the "best friend" comment was triggering.  I hope you are cutting yourself some slack about your reaction – understanding BPD doesn't mean we don't feel anymore.  Feeling is good.  

heartandwhole

[BacknthSaddle]

Thanks heartandwhole.  Honestly I don't feel so bad about how I handled things.  Even though some "emotion" found my way into my responses, for the most part I sounded rote, like many people would sound if they were told these things.  I certainly didn't go the "how can I help?" route that I would have gone down in the past and that honestly would have compromised my dignity.

The worse aspect is how now I feel so triggered, like it's taking everything in me not to text her and tell her how absurd this all is, that she should expect us to be "best friends" after the horrible things she's said to me, that she should use such terminology in the first place.  I won't give in, because I am fully aware that there is no getting her to see the light on this.  I just wish the emotions hadn't been stirred up in the first place.