Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room

[jellibeans]

So last night my H found weed in my dd17 room... .she was not home at the time and we were heading out to a dinner party so we didn't do anything about it at the time. Today my dd17 is sleeping the day away and I am unsure of what to do with the weed we found. We have locked it up for now and she is grounded but what should we do with it? Should I call the police and report her? She was suppose to go volunteer today at the animal shelter and that doesn't look like it will happen... .any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ibwalrus]

My heart goes out to you.

[HappyChappy]

So last night my H found weed in my dd17 room... Should I call the police and report her?

What benefit is there in calling the police ? Why not use it as a chance to talk about drugs, especially the truely dangerous ones.

[mama72]

jelliebeans-

We discovered our dd17 was smoking pot and dabbling in prescription drugs/alcohol about 6-7 weeks ago. It was deviating. You can read more of the saga on

We took her for a substance abuse assessment at a rehab. The good thing about that assessment is that we found out more of what she was doing and they did an extensive urine drug screen. We meet with the counselor together and then she was interviewed by her alone. She signed a waiver for me and her T to have access to her medical records, so I could see what was said in her interview.

DD went 4 nights a week, plus one AA meeting for 4 weeks, then 2 nights a week with one AA meeting for about 3 weeks. The drug tested her during treatment and continues to twice a month at her follow up meetings. She should be going every week, but works.

Her substances abuse counselors loved her and, of course, got the story of me being a villain, but DD did do well in classes. She says she will not smoke pot for the rest of high school, but cannot guarantee that she won't during college. I told her I cannot control what she she does when she is 18, but I will not pay tuition for a stoner! She did learn a lot about what other chemicals can be put in week, the effects of cigarettes and alcohol and so on. It is possible that she is just telling me what she knows I want to hear, but at this point, I believe her.

I also told her, that next time she will go inpatient rehab. With her past/recent actions, I could put her in and question whether I should have the first time.

We did not call police, I am not sure what kind of legal trouble she would get in and I was just not up to dealing with that as well.

So, maybe look into some clinics that can do a substance abuse assessment or call her T or P to see what the suggest? I just think that drugs are something that need addressed seriously.

How do you think your DD will react when confronted? My DD was smoking in her room and I am still flabbergasted that we did not know, and still quite pissed about it too!

Keep us posted as to how things go and good luck!

[jellibeans]

Well I am waiting to talk with her but I think I will use the pot against her  and tell her she needs to attend the out patient program she was recommended to come this Monday or I will call the police and get help.

HappyChappy... .your repsonse made me chuckle a bit... .if it was only that simply. BPD kids don't care about what drugs do to them... .they don't really care if they live so damaging their bodies has no real impact on them.

Mama - I am not shocked she is smoking drugs... .it is not that at all... .I am trying to find a consequence for her actions. She just recently got out of the P hospital and it was her bday so we did give her some freedom to be with friends during this time... .that was a mistake to trust her. I am very much prepared to call the police if she refuses to go to out patient program... .it is she who made the choice to bring drugs into our home and I simply wont sit back and pretend it didn't happen. I hope she goes to the program... .it is for 5 weeks and parents are included as well.

to say I am disappointed in my dd would be a huge understatement

[mama72]

I know how you feel, jellibeans. I am still so disappointed in my DD actions and deceptions. We tested her with a home drug screen about 3 weeks before we found drugs in her purse. She passed, and was walking around, strutting her stuff, saying, "I just look like I do drugs" and, "See, mom, why don't you trust me?". I then feel guilty for always thinking the worst. But, about 3 minutes after the home drug screen, I told my dh that I think she is still doing some sort of drug. Like you, I was not shocked. Except the fact she had trazadone, adderall and hydrocodone. Mama's should never doubt out intuitions! However, our pwBPD sure cause us to do so.

After the recent chaos with her computer and just finding out that she has given herself 3 tattoos, she is damn lucky she has a door left on her bedroom!

I learned a lot during my dd rehab, as well. My dh and I had to laugh, thinking that we should be the ones getting high to help deal with dd!

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Jellibeans!

This is such a toughie.  My first inclination would be to flush it down the toilet immediately. That said, YOU and your DH know your limits and what you can/cannot tolerate in your home.  And you know her history.  I don't know the laws about weed in your state.  Once your DD is 18, she could get a medical use card in many states, so the laws are changing.  But, like cigs and alcohol, marijuana IS against the law for a minor--in any state.  Your DD broke the law, and I share your concern about that.  But teenagers ALSO break the law with cigarettes and alcohol.  Would you report her to the police for smoking cigarettes or drinking in your home?  :)o you think she is becoming dependent?

It's also illegal for teens to drive a car with passengers under 21 for the first year after getting a driver's license.  My DD17 just got her license a few months ago and she has already broken this law, but I wouldn't report her to the police for it. (Unless she continues to do it now that we've discussed it with her.)  We'll just take her keys away if it happens again and she knows this now.  The time after that, we may call police.  I'm not condoning your DD's behavior, but as you know, calling the police will open a can of worms and I'm not sure you want to go there over this particular issue, right now, when she's just out of the hospital.

Grounding her absolutely makes sense to me.  I would absolutely do that!  And using it as a way to get her into the outpatient program you wanted her to be in makes sense too.  But, I would seriously weigh the pros and cons with your DH before calling the cops.  I don't remember if this is her first offense, or if this has become a repeated problem.  If this is the first time, I would probably opt NOT to involve the police.  But if this has been a repeated problem, and she KNOWS you will report her if she does it again, then I would follow through.

Heartbreaking as it is, and I'm sure you know this... .there really isn't a whole lot you can do if your DD chooses to smoke pot, other than set limits that drugs are NOT tolerated in your home.  She will just go off and smoke pot somewhere else.  If she gets caught somewhere else, then natural consequences will take effect and you don't have to be the bad guys.

I've noticed the more energy I have about something my DD does that I don't like, the harder she pushes back, and the more she repeats the behavior I don't like.  I don't know if your DD behaves this way too.  They're so defiant at this age!  

One last thought.  I know you're not alone with this situation, as I've already read several posts by others who are dealing with the same thing.  And it seems like their situations go from bad to worse when they try to stop their pwBPD from smoking or doing drugs.  Everybody's story is slightly different here and I don't know their whole stories, or what the answers are.  But I can tell you, our DD and ALL of her friends have experimented with cigarettes, alcohol, weed. My non-nephew20 did also. We talked to our DD and grounded her, but we knew we couldn't forbid her from doing it again.  

In our case, DD stopped on her own after a brief period of experimentation.  She doesn't like how weed makes her feel, and she has lost respect for her friends who smoke cigs and/or drink to get drunk.  She is the one getting on their case now!  Someone posted that BPD teens need to learn things their own way.  That was certainly the case with our DD.  She is supposed to be on appropriate meds for depression, ADD, and anxiety.  But she has even been trying to wean herself off of them because she's tired of feeling doped up all the time.  (This is another challenge for us because she rages the minute the Xanax wears off.  But I'm grateful that she recognizes that she doesn't LIKE feeling medicated.  That has worked in our favor.)  

And it took 3 years, but by some miracle, my nephew20 just quit smoking weed all on his own because HE realized that he was on a path going nowhere.  And his GF smokes cigarettes and he doesn't like that, but he recognized he couldn't get her quit if he didn't also quit.  So they both quit!  We count our blessings that our DD didn't get addicted to anything thus far.  I know you and other parents here are dealing possible addiction though, and far worse problems than "normal" teen experimentation.

I'll say it again though... .you know your DD the best.  And you know your own personal limits.  Raising adults is a frustrating and scary trial and error process.  Hang in there and let us know how it goes... .

Hugs!

[pessim-optimist]

Well I am waiting to talk with her but I think I will use the pot against her  and tell her she needs to attend the out patient program she was recommended to come this Monday or I will call the police and get help.

That sounds like a plan - you might even hold her feet to the fire to complete the program successfully.

No struggle needed, her choice entirely... .

[pamik27]

I hear the previous posters about saying you can't tell these BPD kids that something will harm them physically... .like the pot you found. My daughter would say she doesn't care about that... .and you know a lot of the effects (like cigs) are long-term... .and they can't see long-term. I try to focus on the short-term consequences (like getting arrested)... .hoping that will have a bigger impact. However,I don't know where you live but in my town pot use is very widespread. Many parents don't even seem to care. So overreacting to pot risks making us parents look like we are simply out of touch.

Personally, I would tell her I found the pot, threw it away, give her the talk about how she could be arrested for pot possession, and then tell her that you can't stop her from smoking it but it is NOT allowed in your house. I like your idea of using this situation to get your daughter to attend that outpatient program. Might as well try to create some kind of positive outcome.

I sympathize with you... .My daughter is 16 and lately there's something like this happening on a weekly basis. We talk it out, yell, cry, etc... .and I try to go back to trusting her. And then my trust is broken again. And I can't sort out whether I am overreacting our underreacting, and how much of this is just typical teen stuff and how much is truly a problem.

[sunshineplease]

We think like Pamik. We know we can't control what ud19 does, but we can put boundaries on the activities we allow on our property. So our stance on cigarettes and pot is simple: '"Not in our house, not in our car." She knows that if we find either rule has been broken, by her or her friends, we will be re-evaluating the living/driving situation, since living here (and driving our vehicle) is not a right, but a privilege.

We've also made it clear in one or two simple declarations (no discussion) that her smoking makes us less willing to help her financially, since that leaves her more of her own (job) money to spend on tobacco and pot.  

[pamik27]

Hi Sunshine,

That's a good point... .the money they spend on pot etc is moving they are NOT contributing to their expenses or college or whatever.

Such an obvious point, and yet my daughter would find 50 ways to justify her way out of that in her mind.

Still, a point worth making.

Pami

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

jelli-

by all means,

tell her she needs to attend the out patient program she was recommended to come this Monday or... .call the police and get help

After seeing what my BPDSD has gone through as regards escalating drug use, I would have chosen an IOP over everything else we tried. No manner of drug disposal, grounding, withholding money, bedroom door removal, room searching etc, ever did any good.

She went to two IOPs and the second one *we gave her two options, IOP and sober house or life on your own terms but with no support from us*  was the one that stuck and got her on the path to sobriety. I don't think drug use for BPD kids is ever just casual. I don't think most even understand why they use until they get clean. SD would have said it was "just for fun" but you don't swallow handfuls of Xanax several times per day for recreation.

It's a chance for your daughter and I applaud you for the boundaries you have put into place.

thursday

[jellibeans]

My dd17 slept the whole day and night away yesterday and I could not really have more than a 2 minute conversation. She is sick which is pretty typical behavior for her when caught doing something she should not.

She is grounded and has lost the use of her car... .We see her P tomorrow and I am going to discuss with him what we can do going forward. I sent her T a text but as usual I have not heard back from her. She is going to a drug and alcohol program Friday night... .we will give it a try but I would rather go to a different program that runs 4 days a week... .dd17 doesn't agree and wants the one day program.

Today she is awake finally so we will see how her behvaior is... .she needs to clean her room and help out around here some. I am going to ignore her for now... .she will come to me soon enough looking for something I can do for her and then maybe we can talk.

[HealingSpirit]

Hi Jellibeans,

Today she is awake finally so we will see how her behvaior is... .she needs to clean her room and help out around here some. I am going to ignore her for now... .she will come to me soon enough looking for something I can do for her and then maybe we can talk.

LOL! I've read this is called "Grandma's rule." I do this too. I wait until DD wants something... .THEN we talk.  DD hates it, but if I don't do this, she terminates the conversation otherwise.

It sounds to me like you have figured out the best path with your DD for now.  It also sounds like your DD has gone beyond "normal experimentation" and that she has an addiction problem.  I wish you peace & calm today when you talk to her.

We deal with so much other BS*** with my DD. You've made me grateful that thus far, drugs isn't one of her issues. But I'm so sorry YOU and others here are having to deal with it.  It's strange how BPD manifests in so many different ways, yet how similar we all feel in dealing with it.  My DD has literally brought me to my knees since she was little, making me second-guess everything I do as a parent. It's been quite humbling.

Let us know how it goes today.  You're on my mind.

Hugs!

[jellibeans]

Well today did not go well. My dd17 decided that she was going to use a hammer to break open the safe we keep her keys in and her meds and the weeds we recently found. Her plan was to run away. After trying to get her to stop hammering the safe with a hammer I had no choice but to call the police. While waiting for the police to come she managed to get the safe open and at that point I sat on her and restrained her waiting for the police. At that point she started yelling for help and some stranger came over and was going to help. I tried to explain that she was not in her right mind and that I was trying to prevent her from leaving with the car and drugs. This guy thought he could calm her but all he did was give her the drugs and let her escape just as the police were driving up. I then asked him to leave and he seemed rather shocked that I was not thanking him.

The police chased after her and caught her. They then had no choice but to take her to jail and that is where she will spend the night. The bail hearing will be tomorrow morning and I am not sure what will happen. I am thinking someone from the crisis outreach program might call us tonight but I am not sure. I am pretty sure she will accuse us of abuse which is common when she feels she has been backed into a corner. She looks to blame someone and that is usually us. I am exhausted and I know she is probably behaving this way due to drug changes during her hospital stay a week ago but she is going down hill fast. I am not sure if we will have her come home tomorrow or what exactly will happened. I am so tired right now and my older daughter is so upset I am having a hard time trying to think this through.

I found a note in her room  telling me she was leaving... that she was not suicidal but that she was going to a friends. It really doesn't look very promising for her right now but I will wait and see how they proceed and if she was able to convince them of abuse. This is not the first time and it won't be that last. I feel I do have to detach right now... .it is harder and hard to tolerate her behavior at our home. She seems to have no respect for our rules or anything. I have a bad feeling about this and I am not sure how this will end but it doesn't look good right now.

[madmom]

Oh JelliBeans I am SO SORRY!  How awful for you.  Thankfully, jail may be the safest place for your daughter right now and maybe you can get some rest tonight.  I don't have any advice, just hope, sometimes when things have seemed the worst, the best came out of it.  I am praying that good things will somehow come out of this in the end for you and your daughters.  Hang in there.  We have all been down similar roads, and I know how very traumatic this is!   Keep us posted, I care very much about all of you!

[mama72]

jellibeans, I am so very sorry. My heart is breaking after reading your post. Has your dd ever been in jail? Are you or do you have to attend the bail hearing?

Like tr posted, perhaps something good will come from this chaos? I am sure it is hard to remain positive right now, and you are probably exhausted.

[Rapt Reader]

jellibeans, I am very sorry for this development... .

Is there a possibility that the court might order her to go to some program as the price of release? Does she have a Therapist or Dr. you can reach out to in order to arrange something like that? Is there any possibility of a Dual Diagnosis Program available for someone her age?

I would also like to believe that out of this turmoil and tragedy might come the help she needs, and a positive outcome... .I'll keep you and your family in my prayers 

[jellibeans]

yes thanks... rapt, mama, tr... .I do beleive that too... .something good might come out of this. I just need to wait and see what they say tomorrow or if the crisis people call tonight. It has been very hard since school let out and she lost her best friend... .she has been struggling so much and although she has made progress over the last year this is a big step backwards. Turning 17 might have something to do with it... .she is counting the days until she can leave this house... .that would bring some relief maybe but my dd is on a path of destruction.

I just need to wait and see what they say... .I really can't plan until then. It really has been such a hard summer so far and it is not getting better. I have seen her do so well at times... .I want to help her but I really can't... .she needs to feel the weight of her actions... .I can't help someone that won't help themselves. I will post tomorrow when I know more... .thanks to everyone the has posted.

[femom]

I am SO sorry about what happened today but maybe this will be a wake up call for her.  As bad as the hospital is, jail is worse.  Maybe the reality of a bail hearing, an arraignment in front of a judge and the realization that you can do little at this point to help her situation will scare her.  The memory of my dd being taken in handcuffs to jail still gives me nightmares.  I am praying that the courts do the right thing for her and for your family.

[pamik27]

Jellibean,

I'll be thinking of you and sending prayers to you and your daughter. I can't imagine what that must have been like.

I have no experience with the police, so I have no advice. I hope it all turns out okay.

Pami

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry Jellibeans, hope you can get some rest tonight and maybe even a few next days while you contemplate some viable options. I am thinking of you, it's a tough situation, jellibeans. 

[jellibeans]

I called the jail this morning to check on my dd17... .they could not tell me anything about her health and whether she had taken her meds etc because she had not signed a waiver giving me premission to see health info... .of course she was not offered this form to sign and I was told they were too busy to give her the paper to sign... .I would think a parent of a 17 year old would still be able to ask and get these answers.

I have not got many answers but I did speak with the judge who was talking to DD17 shortly and he would then decide what to do... .they had called a mental health organization to come in to access her... .not sure why that wasn't done last night... .so I am still waiting to hear if she will be released and if it will be to us. I did tell the judge that I had been trying to get her to attend an out patient program that was recommend to us that ran 4 days a week and I feel he will make that part of her release requirements.

I will update later but I don't see this going too fast right now. I have an appointment with P this afternoon and I am hopefully I can still attend. I am simply drained from this and all that we have been through this past month. I did sleep well enven though I took sleeping aid... .I am just feeling very unwell... .I will update later

[sunshineplease]

Thanks for the update. Oh, jellibeans, this just sounds awful. I'm so glad you were able to speak with the judge, and that he might be able to help make a purse out of this sow's ear of pain by getting her some treatment. Here's hoping she gets the all help she needs and you get a break.

[jellibeans]

We have just finally heard from the judge... .he is releasing her to our care with the requirements that she attend out patient therapy and abide by house rules. She will need a lawyer and a court date will be set. I am told the charges will probably be dropped as long as she attends to all therapy sessions etc... .If she doesn't we can call the court and they can issue a warrant for her arrest.

I have to say I am very happy with the support we have received from the court and I hope my dd will abide by the rules going forward. I feel a bit sick going to get her because I know she will be angry. We have taken her phone, car and she is grounded. I am still wondering if we should take her door off her room since she has been smoking pot in there. My husband went through her room and found many home made bongs.

I want to say I read the article on being arrested and it was helpful but I think it is more geared to the older person not a 17 year old but still some of what was written was helpful.

I am a bit scared to go get her and I hope her return home is a peaceful one. Thanks for all your posts... .I really have struggled so much through this... .I thought I had a better handle on things but I really feel when you are dealing with someone that is so out of control it is very hard to come out with a good out come. Calling the police was probably the best thing I could have done but it is also opening a door that I really didn't want to open. I feel my dd17 ODD is really getting worse the older she gets. I can reduce conflict and can get into few power struggles with her but the bottom line is that she needs to want to help herself and I really don't think she is at that place even after spending the night in jail.

[jellibeans]

finally have my dd17 at home... .took all day to do. My H wanted to talk with judge about the requirements dd was suppose to do... .it was a good thing because the judge and my husband talked once again to dd telling her she needed to go to the 4 day program and that was what was recommended from her therapist. She was not hapy and was just trying to hold it together until we left. In the car she started telling me how jail wasn't that bad and how they all thought she was so bad ass... .etc. but as the ride went on her story soon changed to how horrible it was and how I didn't understand what it is like in jail. I told that she was right... .I didn't know.

She then quickly wanted to know when she would get her phone, car and freedom back... .I told her that would depend on her behavior. She was not happy about that. Said she had had such a great summer and it was all worth it. Kind of a rebel without a cause.

tomorrow she sees T and starts out patient therapy... .so happy she can start so soon. Her T has not called me like I asked. She finally respond to text but she has been a big disappointment through this all. I am going to talk with her P and see if a new T might be better right now. I don't want to blame the T but I don't think she is really holding dd accountable.

Rescheduled P apt until Friday so I will be busy this week. Thursday is the parent meeting so I hope to get some help then.

My dd is in her room watching TV... .the one thing we didn't take away... .she is resting up... .tomorrow will be a hard one for sure for us all.

[mama72]

jellibeans-I am very glad that your dd is getting into the 4-day program so soon. The people that lead these programs are no softies and don't take any bs.  The woman that was in charge of my dd at rehab, was on tough cookie. She could smell bs from a mile away, and the man that worked with the teens was wonderful, as well. My daughter was really taken aback with having someone demand eye contact when speaking to them, and to have her speak up when talking. Your daughter may prefer jail, than to deal with some of these counselors!

My dd saw some kids that were in big trouble and going nowhere, and I believe she does not want to go down that road…today. She is suppose to be gong to after-care once a week, but has only gone a few times this summer, but when she has gone, she has tested clean.

Our dd's sound so much alike, it is eerie. I don't know about you, but the countdown to the 18th Birthday and HS diploma cannot get here soon enough.

Keep us posted as to what transpires. I hope you have a quiet evening and praying for you to find strength this week.

[jellibeans]

Thank you mama... .I have noticed that our kids are very much the same. Today we have a full day. Therapy at 12 and OPT at 2:00 to 4:30. I am hoping the program is good. Her T and P have recommended it. She had been invited to join after her release from the hospital and the H is who run the program. They just started a daytime program and we were just lucky to hit it right. Parents are also included in the program and meet during the week too. I am hoping personally to get some help as well. I think the benefits of my dd having someplace to go 4 days aweek would also be good. Right now she has too much time on her hands.

I don't know if I am really looking forward to her turning 18... .I do feel she is getting a bit worse right now since she turned 17. The closer we get to 18 I think she will act out more. My H wants her out of the house at 18 and I am not sure she will be able to handle that. Finishing High school will be our focus for her... .I am trying not to look too far into the future. I think that helps me break the problem into smaller pieces right now. This next year is going to be hard on her because that is when everyone will start talking about which college they are going to. My dd has said she is going to the community college. We will see if that happens or not. I think it is something she could handle but I know she wants to leave home and we will not pay for an apartment. We will pay for school and books etc but if she want to live on her own so she can party the day away then she will need to fund that. If she doesn't pass her classes then we will not continue to pay for her school.

The behavior she is displaying right now is simlar to what we saw about a year and half ago. Calling the police is not something I have had to do in some time. It makes me travel back to a day when things were just simply a nightmare and our home was more of a prison. We have locks on every door upstairs because she can't be trusted. She is stealing money and anything she can get her hands on. I have locks to keep her out of my room and my office. Who wants to live that way?

My dd really doesn't understand her arrest. We are trying to explain it to her. She has to attend OPT and she has to abide by the rules of this house. She seemed shocked that she was given a court date and she needed a lawyer. The thought of having to go back was not completely understood by her. It is the only leverage we have right now and I do think it was good for her to see what it was like. Getting her into the OPT is going to help her but she is resistant so I am not sure she will participate fully.

[pessim-optimist]

It looks like the best outcome out of a bad situation, jellibeans... . 

My dd really doesn't understand her arrest. We are trying to explain it to her. She has to attend OPT and she has to abide by the rules of this house. She seemed shocked that she was given a court date and she needed a lawyer. The thought of having to go back was not completely understood by her. It is the only leverage we have right now and I do think it was good for her to see what it was like. Getting her into the OPT is going to help her but she is resistant so I am not sure she will participate fully.

What is her understanding of what happened and why?

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Jellibeans!

BIG HUG!  I was in tears reading your news. I haven't been on the board for a couple of days, due to my own drama.  (Update to follow in a different post.)  WOW!  It's like the bottom fell out and your family is free-falling until you hit solid ground. 

You're amazingly together and sane for someone going through such an awful experience.  I'm so sorry you're dealing with such terrible, messy drama.  I hope your DD hits bottom and learns from this.  You're such a good mom to stick by her, even when you let the consequences (like jail) roll in.  "Tough love" is well-named.  I don't know if it's worse for the one giving the tough love, or the one receiving it.  It just hurts!

I saw my father (a doctor) get taken away in handcuffs for a DUI last year.  I just happened to go to the local market for ice cream and there he was, standing next to the police car.  The image of that is still vivid as ever.  I can't even begin to imagine the image of your DD being taken away in the police car.  And what the F*** was your "helpful" neighbor thinking?  How aggravating!

I'm glad to hear the judge was helpful in requiring the OPT program.  Geez!  I hope that helps. 

Sending you virtual flowers and hugs!  Hang in there.  I'm here for you.