too much contact

[Turkish]

Background: The mother of our children moved out in early February. We have D2 and S4 together. She started an emotional affair a year ago, told me we were done early August, I saw evidence on her phone two weeks later of the physical cheating. I was abandoned in couples' counseling weeks later. Early Oct I thought there was a slim chance of working it out, but he was attached, and she in her head justified "stopping it" by not physic all seeing him. I saw her side of many conversations on our computer though. I finally called it done when I confronted her (in not one of my better moments), and then survived an emotional hell for the next four months until she could move out.

We both had Friday off, my day by the custody stipulation. She asked if she could take the kids to a farmer's market downtown. I reminded her that it was my day, but then commented since it was going to be hot, it was a good activity. I was going to take them to the park Saturday morning anyway. She kept trying to come over and drop them off, prefaced with,."I know you don't want me coming over, but it's no problem."  I kept my boundaries and said I would pick them up at her mom's. This was Thursday's text conversation.

Late Friday morning, she called and said that her family was replacing their sewage line and if I didn't mind meeting them at the mall. Ok. Turned out everybody was hungry, so we ate a quick lunch at the food court. I limited my attention to the kids and my Ex's 15 year old brother. She is inviting him to stay with them on her Friday nights ("Friday" in this case since he didn't have school). This is just like when she lived with me on the rare occasions I had to go out of town, and one 4 day business trip once. She is fearful of being alone, despite living in a gated complex. She's still the same person. I guess all the motivational speeches and Rocky videos from youtube she had going constantly on her phone weren't too much help. She made it such a big deal to leave me and move out, was waifish on FB (along with the not so subtle devaluations of me). You move. She had the means. We've all done it, including her. But she's BPD.

The result for me is that I was depressed all weekend. I felt bad for the kids. I had two BPD "nightmares" two nights in a row, undoubtedly from all of this sudden contact. I don't know if something's going on, or if I am imagining it. D2's accident is the variable for this sudden flurry of contact. Even when she was in my house, I rarely if ever had dreams, much less nightmares involving her (basically she in the dream exhibiting BPD behaviors). This included the last four months when she all but threw her r/s in my face while she neglected the kids to pursue it. I can forgive the cheating, but it's the neglect of the kids I struggle with. I need to stop dwellng in the past.

D2 is great now, and only 4 days after she broke her collarbone last Friday with her mom, was acting like nothing was amiss. I won't tell their mom that our daughter missed a step on the playground contraption yesterday, flipped once, and then flipped again land in on her back in the wood chips. I was 3 ft from her, but couldn't catch her. She cried for about a minute, then was running around as if nothing happened. Tough baby.

I took the kids to see "Earth To Echo" today. It is basically an ET/Stand By Me/Super 8 derivative, but I thought it was decent. The message at the end ( and you know it's not a "great" movie if they have to pretty much state it), was one of friendship, loyalty, and not abandoning those who need you. One character was a foster kid like I was. We sat there watching the credits roll. I had my baby asleep in my arms. I hugged her tighter, and the house lights came on as the audience exited. I stiffled my tears and took my kids home.

[Aussie JJ]

I dont know the answer... .

I'm only starting to have my boundarys put in place now.  Even then they are more for me as I'm painted black at present.  I just want to be in my sons life more than I am... .

At the moment the behaviour that my son has is, "mommy always comes back".  This is whenever dropping him off as soon as he sees her.  He will ask me for dinner at my house, ask me to go to dinner their and cry sometimes when I tell him we have to go to mummys.  As soon as he sees her stands still, says his line.  She gets soothed, she is happy and then he knows she is in a good mood and steps forward. 

I want to name this behaviour to her and point it out however if it calms her when handover occurs, puts her in a good mood for him... .  what is the boundary I should put here... .  does it cause more harm to point this out and have her dysregulated at handovers ad she can see what she is doing... . 

None of us get it perfect Turkish.  I still want to try and help her, want to save her.  Every hour I re-read through the positive and negatives of doing this I realise I cant fill that void.  That is what hurts me the most.  I can only work on myself and as long as I am critical of myself, aware of her actions I can long term be a positive influence.