Tired of the humiliation

[Perdita]

My hands are still shaking as I write this.  It happened only 30 minutes ago that I saw him going off with her again.

I changed my plans for the day so I could go over and help him pack etc and then just relax together for a while before he goes away for 2 days on another business trip. 

Then, 5 minutes before I get there, he calls to say he is no longer leaving today and will rather go early in the morning.    I told him all the reasons why this is not the best idea.  He sounded confused, but then said no, he is leaving tomorrow instead.  Told me to come over anyway saying he needs me to iron more shirts for him.  I should have known then. . .

I get there just as the slutty ex-housemate is leaving.  I don't actually see her.  Just hear her saying "hello and goodbye" and the door closing. 

He tells me he changed his mind because some friends he shares an activity with are going to hang out and asked him along.  Now that I think of it, it is strange that they have the activity planned during office hours.  Once again I should have known better . . .

So after I leave I decided to take another look.  Now, first of all, I find it odd that her car happens to be back within minutes after I left.  This perfect timing has been going on ever since she blew back in town on Friday morning.  Just as I leave, she shows up.  Literally!

There I was 35 minutes ago taking another look.  He comes out the house and goes to his car.  About 10 seconds later she comes jogging out, gets in his car and off they go.  What the heck?  No doubt there is a free meal on offer for her.  Trust me, she is well known for only spending time with guys and girls that are going to pay for her drinks and food (she earns a good salary!).  She has admitted more than once to me that she refuses to waste her time hanging with people that aren't going to take her out for meals adding that she doesn't waste her time on people that are only going to buy her coffee.  My BPbf knows this about her and says she's a user, but that she isn't using him.  Idiot. 

I am so upset.  No wonder one of his friends unfriended me on FB after her last visit to town when he also paraded her around.  I guess I am seen as the other woman! :'(

Last night, when I was also at his place ironing for him, I decided to straighten out his bed only to find leggings under the blanket.  Hers.  What the heck?  I said nothing.  Just threw it into a hidden corner off the room.

I am tired of being lied to and humiliated.  Oddly enough he has been more affectionate again since the trash came back to town.  I thought he might have opened his eyes finally.  Fat chance.

He expects me to meet up with him in 2 hours, although he added it might only be 3 hours which again I found odd considering he and his "friends" can't practice their sport at that time. 

I've decided to ignore his calls and messages for the day and while he is away on business - if he is even going on a actual business trip . . .

Another day wasted.  Another himiliation.  :'(  Don't BP ever feel guilt?  Do they not have a conscience?  It is bad enough dealing with their BPD, but so much worse when another party is involved.

[OutOfEgypt]

Don't BP ever feel guilt?  Do they not have a conscience?  It is bad enough dealing with their BPD, but so much worse when another party is involved.

They are just great at getting you to feel it all for them.  You get to be the one to carry it as they externalize all their inner conflicts onto you and others close to them.  You get to feel like the "bad" one, the ashamed one, the humiliated one, so that they don't.  It's like a parasitic relationship.

[helplessidiot]

Yeah, seemingly no conscience most of the time, remorse only for the way their actions affect them negatively, not the destruction of your feelings. I am simply trying to harden my heart until I can get through this... .

Don't put up with ___, or you deserve it sadly... .

[Perdita]

He has send one message confirming the time we'll meet up (I did not reply).  Also a call minutes ago (I ignored). 

There are so many things I can think of to text back, but it is useless letting him know that I know or that I am hurt.  He has never cared before and wouldn't now either.  It would be just one more excuse for him to make me look the bad guy.  Like telling me again that "I don't want this relationship" even though he expects it to be a relationship!  It is only when that thing comes into the picture that he suddenly claims that he doesn't want a relationship, feels nothing for me in his heart and wants a break (conveniently he has previously asked for a break only lasting the duration of her stay and accused me of having an "over-active imagination" for thinking there was a link).

The constant back and forth is driving me insane.  I think that is probably part of what he wants.  To constantly confuse me so that I don't really have a leg to stand on.  To question my own common sense of what is right and wrong. 

Recently I have given him some reasons to worry simply by texting while in his presence (have never ever done this before) and even getting calls.  It seems to have made him worry for the first time that he could very well lose me; that someone might be waiting in the wings.  He has been more affectionate since then, more attentive.  Or perhaps I should say he has simply become better at covering his tracks so that I will feel I can trust him and not go off with someone else. 

[refusetosuccumb]

I'm so sorry.  Think of this as a gift of reality.  He's now shown you who he is.  It's all about him.  Even him being more affectionate to you isn't about you - it's about him worrying he'll lose you.

My ex was crying to me that he was so very lonely.  Then one night when I was picking up the kids from his time, I found a woman sitting at the bottom of his steps to his apartment (his is the only apartment at the top of these stairs).  She eerily looked a lot like me but about 10 yrs younger (I'm almost 40).  I asked if she was waiting for ex, she pretended to be all confused and said she was in the wrong place.  When the kids and I came back downstairs, I saw her hiding around the corner waiting for us to leave.  I waved at her, , and proceeded to leave.  I know she's one of his girlfriends.  But he won't admit that to me because he's still convinced he can "win" me back.  Whatevs.

It appears that he's using you.  You deserve better.

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace. 

[OutOfEgypt]

The constant back and forth is driving me insane.  I think that is probably part of what he wants.  To constantly confuse me so that I don't really have a leg to stand on.  To question my own common sense of what is right and wrong. 

Yup.  That is exactly right.  They throw you off balance.  They cast a haze of doubt.  And when that happens, your resolve is gone and they have you for whatever they want.

[tbddbt]

It's important to remember this and the way he has made you feel for the times when is begging, pleading, crying and making false promises. It's easy to forget and get sucked into their emotional manipulation. They are masters of it and they know all your weak points. Talk to a therapist and see if you can attach an "anchor" to get you to the emotional state you feel right now. This could finally give you the strength to withstand the emotional ploys and suicide threats and not go back to him. I'm sure you've been told this by everyone close to you, but I will reiterate it: if you go back to him he will absolutely do this again no matter what he says at that moment. You should leave him and never look back.

[Perdita]

Talk to a therapist and see if you can attach an "anchor" to get you to the emotional state you feel right now. This could finally give you the strength to withstand the emotional ploys and suicide threats and not go back to him.

I do know that he treated his ex the same for 2 years.  Same roller-coaster, yo-yo crap he is pulling on me.  She ended up going to a psychologist and left him soon after.  She is now married; happily so from what I can tell.  I have been looking around for a therapist or psychologist, but the cost involved makes it impossible for me to even consider at this time.  I think books will have to do for now.

[Perdita]

I found a woman sitting at the bottom of his steps to his apartment (his is the only apartment at the top of these stairs).  She eerily looked a lot like me but about 10 yrs younger (I'm almost 40).  I asked if she was waiting for ex, she pretended to be all confused and said she was in the wrong place.  When the kids and I came back downstairs, I saw her hiding around the corner waiting for us to leave.  I waved at her, , and proceeded to leave.  I know she's one of his girlfriends.  But he won't admit that to me because he's still convinced he can "win" me back.  Whatevs.

Sounds like she is one of his new victims.  I bet she is hurting.  He probably told her to go sit outside and pretend she isn't there to visit him. You can be sure she knows the reason is so he can try and win you back.

[refusetosuccumb]

Sounds like she is one of his new victims.  I bet she is hurting.  He probably told her to go sit outside and pretend she isn't there to visit him. You can be sure she knows the reason is so he can try and win you back.

Perhaps.  Or he's told her what an evil, scary b___ I can be and to protect herself from me .  He told one of his ex flings that.  I'm so scary.   

[Perdita]

Perhaps.  Or he's told her what an evil, scary b___ I can be and to protect herself from me .  He told one of his ex flings that.  I'm so scary.   

I wonder sometimes what mine tells people about me.  He has become real good at keeping me from his friends.  Makes me wonder what he tells them.  I've also noticed that when he is with me and on the phone, he will lie and say something like Oh I'm just sitting here on my own.    Recently I was told by his family that, after meeting several family friends at a recent function, they all had nothing but good opinions of me.  I should be happy, but inside I was scared to hear this.  It is exactly the kind of thing that will probably make him act even more bizarre towards me.  I feel damned no matter what I do.

[OutOfEgypt]

My ex would make it sound like she kept our problems private and only talked to a select few.  And even then, she was allowed to complain about me to them, but she claimed she would always defend me when they said something bad about me.  But if she ever caught wind that I talked to anybody about the hell she was putting me through, other than maybe my best friend, then I was accused of "telling everybody."  This made me feel awful and isolated me more.

I came to find out through a series of unrelated events how she would blab about me to almost complete strangers, such as parents in our children's classes that she just met, about how she had an affair but I cheated on her too (not really true).  I also caught a glimpse of what's behind the mask in a few emails I read (one of which she "accidentally" forwarded to me when replying to her lover).  In it, she talked about how stupid I am, how much smarter and more clever she is, etc. 

So, rest assured, no matter how they may try to present themselves as nice, fair, and rational people, they play by their own rules behind your back. 

I'm sure many of her friends think they know me and think they know how our relationship actually was, but they don't.  They probably would have killed themselves years ago if they endured what I lived through.

[Perdita]

I am simply trying to harden my heart until I can get through this... .

I've been working on that as well since the end of March which was the last time she came to town and everything went straight to hell again in a huge way. 

This time I am trying my very best not to react in the same way.  No angry messages, no confronting him.  It seems to only give him more ammo to use against me when I react like that. 

Instead I haven't said anything about her to him.  I've simply been ignoring him a lot more.  Been telling him to let me know by noon everyday if we are still on for the evening.  Not actually saying it, but nonetheless making it understood that I will be making other plans when he's not going to be around.  I actually do have other offers.

[Perdita]

And even then, she was allowed to complain about me to them, but she claimed she would always defend me when they said something bad about me.

OutOfEgypt, do you think that they said bad things about you as much as she wanted you to believe?  Maybe she said it at times just to make you feel even more isolated and to keep you from talking to those friends.  Maybe they were even the very ones to know that there is something wrong with her?  Could be she didn't want you to compare notes.

But if she ever caught wind that I talked to anybody about the hell she was putting me through, other than maybe my best friend, then I was accused of "telling everybody."  This made me feel awful and isolated me more.

I've been careful when it comes to talking to people about us.  I told one of his parents last year about the events that led to him having a serious accident.  After that he said he can't trust me anymore. 

So, rest assured, no matter how they may try to present themselves as nice, fair, and rational people, they play by their own rules behind your back.

This is what I think too.  Mine has some very conflicting views when it comes to what is fair. 

I'm sure many of her friends think they know me and think they know how our relationship actually was, but they don't.  They probably would have killed themselves years ago if they endured what I lived through.

I think if we got some understanding from the people around us/them, then this might all be quite a bit easier to deal with.

[Perdita]

Strange how seemingly small things only make sense afterwards.  I just realized something from earlier today.  We were in the lounge together and he had this sneaky smile on his face.  I even asked him "what's that sneaky smile about?"  I'm so stupid.  Actually thought it was amusing. 

Looking back now I realize that he had just gotten a text message a couple of minutes earlier and had replied to it.  Must have been her texting him to find out when I was leaving.  Nice to know I was the butt of their little joke yet again . . . NOT. :'(

[mywifecrazy]

Strange how seemingly small things only make sense afterwards.  I just realized something from earlier today.  We were in the lounge together and he had this sneaky smile on his face.  I even asked him "what's that sneaky smile about?"  I'm so stupid.  Actually thought it was amusing. 

Looking back now I realize that he had just gotten a text message a couple of minutes earlier and had replied to it.  Must have been her texting him to find out when I was leaving Nice to know I was the butt of their little joke yet again . . . . NOT. :'(

Hey FRIEND.

GOD I can relate to how LAME it was for your X to do that in front of your face and how STUPID it makes you feel now that you look back and have this revelation. I have SOO MANY recollections of the same thing like when I was hanging out with my neighbor friend (not!) having a beer and my wife (uBPDxw) was with us. Now that I'm out of the FOG and can see clearly looking back I can see the exchanged glances, the inside jokes at my expense and my X flirting with him. Yeah I felt very STUPID when I looked back but you know what Perdita? I don't feel stupid anymore. I was just a loving trusting husband who would never of thought my wife was capable of being so mean and cruel. There is nothing wrong with you or I giving them the benefit of the doubt!

Now I have cast ALL the guilt and shame back on her. She is the one who is screwed up for behaving in such a way. Her r/s with him is already paying the price for being so devious and underhanded. Her kids ( my sons) don't want to have anything to with this man for the way he went behind their fathers back and abused our friendship with him. They are also very resentful of their mother and her actions during their sick twisted affairs and they can't ever change that either. They got together in the worst way and the foundation of their r/s is built on lies and deception... .Very Unhealthy! I have NOTHING to be ashamed of. The shame and guilt is all hers to bare!  Just think, if she ends up marrying this man. What warm and fuzzy stories are they going to have about how they got together? Her sons were to made to feel stupid too... .What do you think is on their mind every time they see him? She can't erase the past and make it go away! although in her BPD distorted mind she will try!

When you get a little further out you will let go of feeling STUPID and realize that it is your X who was and is the one that's STUPID!

Hang in there ... .MWC

[Blimblam]

Don't BP ever feel guilt?  Do they not have a conscience?  It is bad enough dealing with their BPD, but so much worse when another party is involved.

They are just great at getting you to feel it all for them.  You get to be the one to carry it as they externalize all their inner conflicts onto you and others close to them.  You get to feel like the "bad" one, the ashamed one, the humiliated one, so that they don't.  It's like a parasitic relationship.

soo so true