Feeling really mixed up and broke no contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been feeling really angry lately and hating my exBPDh.

Today I visited some old friends and they got talking about my ex who is still in contact with them.

Anyway, long story short, he recently told them he had 'celebrated' being with the replacement for one year.  We only split up 10 months ago!

This confirmed that he had cheated on me and all my suspicions were correct.  It explains a lot of his behaviour during the last few weeks we were together.

I don't know why but I was shocked at this.  I shouldn't have been as it was obvious really and I knew he was with the replacement from about a week after he dumped me.  But he has always protested his innocence and swore he didn't cheat on me.  I suppose that I actually believed that.

Well, this revelation made me even more angry.  I texted him and said that I now knew he was a liar and a cheat and I said I was happy that things worked out well for both of us and that I thanked him for leaving.  This was, in part, sarcastic, as I know his life is basically S**t now and he has lost far more than I have.  These friends today told me the same as others have said recently - I look great and really happy and he looks really miserable and they think he is trapped in something he can't get out of for fear of violence against him and is being used for his money.

I'm sorry, I am just venting, there is nothing anyone can say really.  I know I did the wrong thing.  This will have given him validation that I am still thinking of him.  I did not get a reply and I don't expect to.  I guess I really wanted him to reply saying he knows he was wrong and he has messed up, but  I know that will never happen.

Why does he still affect me after almost a year?  Why can't I get over this?

[Popcorn71]

I have been feeling really angry lately and hating my exBPDh.

Today I visited some old friends and they got talking about my ex who is still in contact with them.

Anyway, long story short, he recently told them he had 'celebrated' being with the replacement for one year.  We only split up 10 months ago!

This confirmed that he had cheated on me and all my suspicions were correct.  It explains a lot of his behaviour during the last few weeks we were together.

I don't know why but I was shocked at this.  I shouldn't have been as it was obvious really and I knew he was with the replacement from about a week after he dumped me.  But he has always protested his innocence and swore he didn't cheat on me.  I suppose that I actually believed that.

Well, this revelation made me even more angry.  I texted him and said that I now knew he was a liar and a cheat and I said I was happy that things worked out well for both of us and that I thanked him for leaving.  This was, in part, sarcastic, as I know his life is basically S**t now and he has lost far more than I have.  These friends today told me the same as others have said recently - I look great and really happy and he looks really miserable and they think he is trapped in something he can't get out of for fear of violence against him and is being used for his money.

I'm sorry, I am just venting, there is nothing anyone can say really.  I know I did the wrong thing.  This will have given him validation that I am still thinking of him.  I did not get a reply and I don't expect to.  I guess I really wanted him to reply saying he knows he was wrong and he has messed up, but  I know that will never happen.

Why does he still affect me after almost a year?  Why can't I get over this?

[toomanytears]

I have been feeling really angry lately and hating my exBPDh.

Today I visited some old friends and they got talking about my ex who is still in contact with them.

Anyway, long story short, he recently told them he had 'celebrated' being with the replacement for one year.  We only split up 10 months ago!

This confirmed that he had cheated on me and all my suspicions were correct.  It explains a lot of his behaviour during the last few weeks we were together.

I don't know why but I was shocked at this.  I shouldn't have been as it was obvious really and I knew he was with the replacement from about a week after he dumped me.  But he has always protested his innocence and swore he didn't cheat on me.  I suppose that I actually believed that.

Well, this revelation made me even more angry.  I texted him and said that I now knew he was a liar and a cheat and I said I was happy that things worked out well for both of us and that I thanked him for leaving.  This was, in part, sarcastic, as I know his life is basically S**t now and he has lost far more than I have.  These friends today told me the same as others have said recently - I look great and really happy and he looks really miserable and they think he is trapped in something he can't get out of for fear of violence against him and is being used for his money.

I'm sorry, I am just venting, there is nothing anyone can say really.  I know I did the wrong thing.  This will have given him validation that I am still thinking of him.  I did not get a reply and I don't expect to.  I guess I really wanted him to reply saying he knows he was wrong and he has messed up, but  I know that will never happen.

Why does he still affect me after almost a year?  Why can't I get over this?

Hi there Popcorn71! I find such comfort in these boards because there is always someone going through the same thing.I know exactly how you feel. This is what I did this evening. My son is home and I snuck a look on his laptop at my BPDh's facebook site. I have been blocked for telling his gf to go away when she put 'likes' on the photos my BPDh posted of our kids. But I should have kept the NC rule. He has now moved in to a cottage in a beautiful village we used to go walking near. He is saying in posts 'We had a lovely weekend'... .blah blah... .it cuts me to the quick. Like your ex, my BPDh denied being in another relationship right at the start of our break up. After six months it began to dawn on me that this was a lie - and looking back there had likely been many lies over our 31 years marriage. I've asked him numerous times - I feel I have a right to know the truth. He's maintained his position that the allegations are false and I am abusing him... .Why can't I get this worthless SxB out of my head? It's been ten months... .Admittedly it is getting easier - the excruciating pain stabbing in the heart has gone and the surge to send silly texts is fading. As you say, they only go to prove to him what a nutcase I am. Popcorn, these lapses like my fb sneaking today are only human. They are part of the process of letting go. In the end I just won't want to be bothered. I am looking forward to that state of mind... .

[LettingGo14]

I'm sorry, I am just venting, there is nothing anyone can say really.  I know I did the wrong thing.  This will have given him validation that I am still thinking of him.  I did not get a reply and I don't expect to.  I guess I really wanted him to reply saying he knows he was wrong and he has messed up, but  I know that will never happen.

Why does he still affect me after almost a year?  Why can't I get over this?

Popcorn71 -- Please don't beat yourself up for (1) being angry, (2) contacting him, or (3) feeling stuck.  These are normal feelings & actions for many of us -- you are NOT alone.  I've been exploring the sense of "stuck" that I've had and riding various waves of emotions as well.  Here are some things I've found helpful:

(1) "Nothing ever leaves us until it teaches us what we need to know."  I like this quote by Pema Chodron because it has made me curious to explore where and how and why I might be stuck.  If I'm curious, rather than self-critical, I get less identified with my pain (and take it less personally).  I have spent time exploring family of origin issues and considering where and how my body tenses when I am in a moment of particular stickiness (for me it is anxiety in the solar plexus).  The awareness has allowed me to simply sit with the "stuff" that comes up, without judging it.   And I've had some minor epiphanies due to that non-judgmental awareness.

(2) "Feel the feelings, lose the story."  This is another Pema Chodron quote.  I used to get so wrapped up in the what, where, when, how, and why the drama unfolded like it did.  When I was stuck on the narrative of what happened, I would get so spun up in emotion that it was like being tortured over and over.   Then, slowly, I stopped re-reporting the past to myself.  I just said, "Ok, it happened."  And I started to sort through the seeming wreckage of emotions -- loneliness, sadness, anger, fear, and even love.  I realized all of these things came from within me -- none of the emotions were injected into me.  When I really FELT that, and acknowledged it, it made the emotions seem like passing storms.  In one sense, I could let the emotions rise, storm, and fall, without indulging again and again with the story.

Be kind to yourself, Popcorn71.  Keep posting.  It helps us all.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was with mine less than a year and it took a year and a half to get over her; it takes what it takes popcorn, that pathology gets its hooks in us deep.

The good news is I have grown more in the last 2 years than I did in the previous 10; that timeless saying that we really find out who we are when we're backed against the wall, butt sucking plaster, is true for a reason.  I wasn't doing very well when we got together, I looked to her to 'save' me, I then went into the stratosphere, followed by the depths of hell, and came out the other side truly happier with myself and life than I've been maybe ever.  Kinda sucks that it works that way, but at least it works.

Better to check in with your physical, emotional and spiritual health, be grateful for progress, and forget the calendar.  Take care of you!

[Tired_of_this12345]

Hey popcorn, 

I can totally relate.  The last couple months of my relationship with the exBdpgf were odd as well.  I knew something was wrong.  Well within month after we officially broke up and started NC, she was in a relationship according to her FB.  Then within 2 months she was engaged.  And I basically found out she was cheating because I went to the doctor and found out I had an STD.  Thankfully a curable one.  I have been NC for 3 months and I basically find her to be deplorable.  Everything she has done has shown the type of person she is.  I do probably think of her more than I should,  but I do see how much better I am now. 

[Changingman]

I became friends with a guy about 2-3 months out off the RS who kind of saw I was traumatised and described his exGF who had traumatised him, he described her behaviours and she seemed severely BPD/HPD/NPD/APD I see these distinctions as very labile now.

When we told each other our story he was surprised I was still giving her the benefit of the doubt on lots of stuff, like, when the cheating started, how many etc. I realised it was a pattern, once they are capable of doing this 'one off' despicable stuff, they do it from the moment they meet you, they likely did the very worst that you could imagine. It was happening before the '2 months' whatever before you broke up, it was happening years before you met them, it was happening every minute of every day before you met them and while you were with them and after they leave. It is there when they eat, when they sleep, when they cut bread, chew gum or rub their eye. It seeps into the underlay of the carpet in the house, their job, it slowly ruins families and pets, your shoes, your internal organs.

I think once you realise the seriousness of this disorder, a 'couple of months' is still not anywhere close to accepting the dark reality of BPD.

'Are they happy with the replacement' is as empty a question as can be asked. Read some of the posts by BPD sufferers, it is chilling. Try crazyboards or any of the BPD blogs.


'The black hole of BPD is that abyss in between love and hate - in between consistency and inconsistency - in between congruence and incongruence. It is that aching, seemingly endless space of borderline dark dingy determined self-destructive drudgery. It is the piercing gut-wrenching wind that puts out the flame of so much hope and so much love. It is the beginning of the end of so many relationship opportunities. It is the end of the beginning of all that is new as it begins to end yet again and again. It is the personification of abandonment. It is the darkness of distance and the loneliness of lacking love. It is disconnectedness of "I-hate-you-don't-leave-me" and the punishing push-pull of borderline "get away-closer"... .

This black hole of BPD takes all-comers. It is not discriminating. Whether you have BPD or know someone who does (non borderlines) the black hole will gladly open up for you. It will swallow your sanity if you let it. Countless non borderlines have fallen into the black whole of a loved one's Borderline Personality Disorder only to have the borderline project and transfer his or her shame and abandonment trauma onto them in ways that foster toxic relating and rupture any and all attempts to relate in ways that even remotely resemble healthy relating.'

quote... .

A J Mahari


Did he start betraying 2 months before the end of your RS or the moment he met you or... . 

We need to sort out the twisted emotions that are left in us, they are ours now, and we need to finally let them breath. We have to become a non non-borderline, then they will not be able to put their destructive hands on us ever again.

Ugh I need a shower x

[learnandgrow]

Changingman, that post rings true. When I discovered the lie towards the end of the relationship, it really made me wonder if any of my other suspicions or bad gut feelings were correct. Did she cheat on me in the past? Did she really just hang out with the people she said she was with, or was she fooling around with someone else? I'll never know... .but after everything that's happened it's probably safer to assume the worst.

[seeking balance]

Why does he still affect me after almost a year? 

Because you are still hurt, the degree of our hurt is related to the love, the dream and the hole in us at the time - be kind to yourself... .as the story continues to unravel and facts become clear it is natural to feel another round of anger/grief.

Why can't I get over this?

You are - this is what getting over it looks like.  Sometimes we peel a layer at a time, this is another one of those layers to process.

We can do the basics - therapy, reading, posting, exercise, etc - but we have no control over the time part... .I know that can be frustrating.  Do what we can and have faith in the rest of it.

Peace,

SB

[toomanytears]

LettingGo - thank you for introducing me to the work of Pema Chodron. The two quotes in themselves are very helpful and wise. I've checked out some of her teachings and they make so much sense.

Changingman - great to get a reminder about the blackness of BPD and that we need to become a non-non-borderline and not get sucked in.

Popcorn71 - thanks for your original post - we will find peace. 

[Popcorn71]

Arrrrggggghhhh!

I just took the dog for a walk and my exBPDh drove past.  He was really staring at me and I waved and smiled - a sort of 'I'll give you something to stare at' response.  He looked surprised.

About half an hour later, a mile or so away, I walked around a bend and there he was parked at the side of the road.  He was standing by the car talking to somebody we both used to be friends with.  I either had to walk past within a few inches or turn around and go a mile out of my way.

I decided to walk past and although my heart was racing and I felt really nervous, I think I appeared calm.  I said 'hello' to the friend and he looked really wary.  He probably expected a scene.  Then I turned to my ex and asked 'How are you?  Things going well?'.  He looked really shocked and said in a voice that I know was panic, 'Great thanks'.  I laughed and walked away.

I know his life is far from 'great'.  In fact it's probably the worst it has ever been for him!

I was almost shaking after this.  But I felt proud knowing that I look better than I have done for years and that my life is going better than it has done for years.  In a way I was taking the p**s.  I know, that he knows, I know how s**t his life is.  I know he will be bothered by this because he always likes people to 'admire' him and think he is 'well off' and 'living a fantastic life'.  This was an image that he could portray easily when he was with me because we actually did have a good life.  But I have realised, it was down to me not him.  Everything we achieved had me behind it.  I had to push him to get anything done.  Left to do things himself, he failed and by the looks of things, is still failing.  He knows I know this.  This feels good!

It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be.  I haven't spoken to him for 7 months.  Even his voice is unattractive to me now!

I feel a bit unnerved by this but I am not going to let myself get upset.  I am doing too well to let this bother me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good for you popcorn, seems like you pulled it off well and you ended up feeling good about it, even though it shook you a little.  My ex lives 1700 miles away, so those 'tests' are unavailable to me, and I don't know how I'd handle, but hopefully as well as you did.

You're not detached yet, complete detachment is you wouldn't have had any emotional energy behind the exchange, but after 7 months of not talking to him, have any of your beliefs or perceptions of him and the relationship changed?  My ex sent me an email about 8 months after I left her, and the veiled devaluations and manipulation attempts were obvious by then, having learned, even though they were buried under a bunch of sticky-sweet; it just didn't work anymore.  Any of that for you?

[Popcorn71]

He didn't get the chance to speak really so he wasn't able to devalue me or put me down at all. He actually looked a bit uncomfortable.

What I noticed most was his voice.  He always got squeaky when stressed and that is how he sounded today.  It used to irritate me and it did today. Remembering that was no bad thing.  I also found it pathetic how he is pretending life is so good when it is clear to everyone that it isn't.  I would actually have a bit of respect for him if he admitted the truth for once but he is not capable of that.

I really see how pathetic he is now and if I didn't hate him I might feel sorry for him.

[goldylamont]

I feel a bit unnerved by this but I am not going to let myself get upset.  I am doing too well to let this bother me.

god i loved this story Popcorn71. you have True Grit! so refreshing hearing a story of power and overcoming. I think you handle the situation perfectly. Like a Bauce! 

[fromheeltoheal]

I also found it pathetic how he is pretending life is so good when it is clear to everyone that it isn't.  I would actually have a bit of respect for him if he admitted the truth for once but he is not capable of that.

Borderlines present false selves, they have to, since they don't have a fully formed one of their own, and their opinion of themselves is so low that they fear abandonment if they were open and honest, the worst thing that can happen in that pathology.  Honestly though, I presented a false self for much of my time with her too, partly because I wasn't getting the validation, empathy and compassion I needed from her, in fact just the opposite, but also in part because I was protecting my real self, something I have a long history of.  So that's been one of the gifts of the relationship, a major slap in the face and lots of pain when I'm not open and honest, and all of my relationships, romantic and otherwise, have benefited since.  Life's too short for inauthenticity, too bad we sometimes learn the most profound lessons under duress.  Take care of you!