How much did you relationship with a pwBPD change you?

[Springle]

Basically what the title says.

I feel like I don't even know this person anymore, like he is a complete stranger, his whole personality has just turned on it's head. He's doing things completely out of character; acting totally bizarre. He's been with this girl for almost a year and my only explanation is she is affecting him/perhaps doing things to manipulate and control him?

I know people grow and change but this seems just so so weird.

[AG]

It changed me big time. I now have mood swings that were never there before. I do not trust women enough to date them. I do know logically speaking that not every woman is out there to hurt me but emotionally speaking I want no parts of dating. My sex drive is jacked up. As a matter of fact thoughts of sex at times make me want to vomit. I get migrane headaches. I'm depressed alot of the time. I get anxiety attacks. I feel like Im literally going crazy at times. I am now overly sensitive to literally everything. No offense but my emotions feel like a woman on her period. My workouts are a struggle because I literally have to force every single one with everything I have due to always being tired and depressed. People notice at work Im irritable. Locker room style jokes cut me like a knife and I feel less masculine. Like way less masculine. Friends have even said that they noticed a change in the way that I walk. Stating I was a person with alot of confidence and now I look like the world is on my shoulders. I basically feel dead but Im alive though if that makes any sense. I could keep going and going . So yes big change and lots of attributes to conquer that were not there before.

You think shes manipulating him? If he has BPD I highly doubt that it would definitely be the other way around. They can change form at the drop of a hat depends on who they are with. That fact alone goes to show you the manipulation starts right from the very beginning. Im sorry if Im harsh but judging from what I wrote above you can probably see I am not in the sympathy mood for them at all!

[Springle]

You think shes manipulating him? If he has BPD I highly doubt that it would definitely be the other way around. They can change form at the drop of a hat depends on who they are with. That fact alone goes to show you the manipulation starts right from the very beginning. Im sorry if Im harsh but judging from what I wrote above you can probably see I am not in the sympathy mood for them at all!

No no, 'he' refers to my ex, he is a non, his new gf and an old mutual friend of ours is a pwBPD. (She gas-lighted me and did some other messed up things to me just after our BU, funny, I found out recently she had her hair styled and coloured and now it looks a LOT like my hair! Super creepy!).

Did people notice significant changes in you during the relationship also? Like you were becoming a completely different person? Doing things very out of character etc?

[antjs]

1- it opened my eye on how i have to raise my children and not neglect them so that they wont turn to be BPD or npd

2- i cant save anyone but myself

3- its ok to have parts of your life out of your control

4- i stopped numbing my feelings and unresolved issues with alcohol and avoidance

5- i know myself and what i need of my partner better

6- some friendships are dynamically edited or eliminated

7- i am more ok with sitting alone

8- i am more directed at my purpose in life and understand better what i want out of it

9- i can spot a cluster B person a mile away now and i can avoid toxic people and needless drama

10- i am ok with the fact that i am not perfect. i am human. i make mistakes and i still love myself and want to be better everyday.

11- i am never gonna go fast with a date since now

12- i watch people's doings rather than their sayings

13- my emotions are so valuable and any partner should be long enough evaluated to be granted such valuable emotions.

14- I am more comfortable with saying no

15- I am more comfortable with saying yes

16- i have better boundaries

17- I am done with the fantasy and always keep reality checks at intervals

God i can go on till forever

[purplicious]

I didn't realize the changes in myself till people around us started commenting on it... I totally became a different person. I have always been quite and laid back until I get comfortable but after 1 year with my dBPDexgf I had no voice I was there to keep the peace and make her happy. It made her so mad when people said I had changed. Of course it was my fault and I was the one who had the mental illness or as she put it she wasnt the only one. She said she found out what it was online and had this huge "talk" with me. Which is where she would point out everything I had ever done wrong in her eyes. I wasnt able to respond to her even tho she said that is what she wanted.

I'm only 4 days out of the relationship and I can see how I've changed. I wounder if I will find myself again.   

[antjs]

I didn't realize the changes in myself till people around us started commenting on it... I totally became a different person. I have always been quite and laid back until I get comfortable but after 1 year with my dBPDexgf I had no voice I was there to keep the peace and make her happy. It made her so mad when people said I had changed. Of course it was my fault and I was the one who had the mental illness or as she put it she wasnt the only one. She said she found out what it was online and had this huge "talk" with me. Which is where she would point out everything I had ever done wrong in her eyes. I wasnt able to respond to her even tho she said that is what she wanted.

I'm only 4 days out of the relationship and I can see how I've changed. I wounder if I will find myself again.   

you will not find "yourself" again. you will even find a better person than you have used to be. just let it flow. dont judge your emotions and embrace the pain. there is a lot of growth in this pain. i promise you that it will get better than ever.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

antony_james - I really like your list. Can you elaborate on what you spot in Cluster B people to identify them?  This is something that I want to make sure I learn and learn well.

THX

[foiles]

I agree totally with Antony. But this is not in the early stages. Keep working and look to yourself. I understand the need to know everything you can about BPD is natural. But focusing forever on a mental illness won't change the facts or solve the question of how to be a greater person. Or how to recognize someone with a PD. knowing yourself will allow you to do that.

Take Care

Foiles

[Aussie JJ]

WHERE IT TOOK ME



I sm so critical of myself because I was always in the wrong... .

This is something that I never had before, I hesitate on EVERY decision I make about my life wondering if it is logical, correct, moral.  I have to constantly check that I am not crazy, I doubt even after I have been through and looked at every aspect of a decision. 

I have lost virtually all of my support network.  Some of them will still talk to me but others I cut out when with her, friends I have known for 15 years I no longer talked to.  I have no social activities, I work, sleep, see my son and everything else is empty. 

I have learned to tollerate abuse, I cant explain it I can identify it when people are being abusive even subtly and I get massive anxiety and just shutdown. 

I am building up myself again peice by peice.  However it is so hard to remember what is wrong and what is acceptable or moral.  I can spot cluster B's everywhere but I label everyone as having a problem, I avoid everyone.  Myself I am the most critical of. 

LEASONS



Everyone has problems, myself included.  I am starting to judge people by a different set of priorities now, more what they do than what they say.  I am guilty of this as well at times and trying to correct it.  I am stil unable to open up with people but my 'filter' is changing for viewing the world through. 

I have a long way to go, my psycologist tells me get out their and start dating have a healthy relationship and it will bring some balance into my life.  I am scared of carrying over this toxicity into the next relationship, I know I am daamaged and just want to sort through it all without infecting someone else.  I dont want anything to do with dating and just feel empty. 

I have learnt so much about myself, my FOO and also psycology that is really usefull.  I hope in a few months/years to be a better person for this knowledge, have less faults myself and have more direction myself.  Even this is negative, I had direction and purpouse before now I am trying to find it again.  I cant maintain what I have built up so I think I am actually restarting my life to a large extent. 

I no longer give a damn about money.  This is something that I have learnt. 

[Hamakua]

It absolutely changed me.

I am a much stronger person today but I wouldn't say I am a "better" person.  Life isn't easier because I am now "stronger", it's simply more tolerable than where she put me at the time.  I can take a hell of a lot more in stride these days than most people as I have a very acutely developed sense of compartmentalization as well as rationalization, far more than one would need if they lived their entire lives dealing with normal relationships.

I even went through a normal breakup and was absolutely surprised of how little it hurt in comparison.

My temper is really really short, much shorter than it used to be but I am able to consistently reign it in about .5 seconds after it flares up.  To an outside observer I seem rational and calm, for me, I force myself to be calm.  As far as I can tell it's a side-effect of learning to deal with eggshells and irrationality for seven years, to be able to react at a moment's notice to any number of impossible to predict tracks of BS.

I am sure I suffer from some depression but week after week and month after month concentrating on the positive and keeping myself motivated on all that I have accomplished makes it easier and easier to over-write those times I feel down.  I am getting better and better at realizing I just have to power through it long enough to come out on the other side of the tunnel.  The tunnels are getting shorter and shorter too.  Anytime I feel emotionally down I've developed the habit of opening up a browser and immediately learning something new that helps my career.  The new unkown aspect of whatever new thing I am learning helps distract my mind long enough to allow the depression to pass and the accomplishment of procuring knowledge after the fact drives my sense of self worth a bit higher.  For me it is a win/win.

Every gain I have made as an individual and a human, every "positive" gain outsiders would credit me for is simply a counter-balance to all the damage under the surface that they don't see.  What I have gained back is maybe one tenth of what I lost in the process, and the running deficit will always be there (time, resources, emotional and mental health, sense of security, trust, etc. etc.).

I am sure there are a dozen other ways it changed me that I haven't either discovered or reflected on.  She was such a destructive force.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Unfortunately for me I was already struggling with anxiety and mild depression when I met my (now exBPD), plus was vulnerable from a too recent relationship then ending, (was cheated on and totally ripped off). If I hadn't been in that place, I doubt I would have been duped so easily so soon.

For me, it has only been almost 4 months since I last said Goodbye to exBPD, (and it was many recycles before that happened) after an arduous 4.5 year relationship with him. Much abuse in all it's forms, interspersed with a few days at a time where he could be wonderful.

As we all do, I remember those times when he was wonderful, and grieve for what could have been if he had been man enough to commit to counselling or seeking help, (like he always said he would eventually).

It was the violence/threats/aggression/entitlement that really did me in the end, and I knew if I kept going, it/he would likely kill me.

About a month after I said No more, he contacted me out of the blue, but it was a one way conversation (should I have been surprised?) and there was no closure, (which we expect anyway).

He ended the call by hanging up on me, because I refused to listen to his abusive style of communicating, (the usual style) and I haven't heard from him since.

This relationship has changed me deeply, in some ways good, and in others bad, but someday I hope to use this experience to really help others in the same boat, that way the cloud eventually develops a silver lining.

I won't say I am completely over exBPD yet, but each day gets better and better, and I get stronger and stronger.

The biggest challenge for us all, is not to be tempted to go back and believe it will ever be different.

Amen

[Aussie JJ]

I feel like the desperate one with her... .I have been through everything, begging her to cme back, asking why and geting silence...    

It's so overwhelming.  I feel worse for LC but wht do you do. 

[Changingman]

1- it opened my eye on how i have to raise my children and not neglect them so that they wont turn to be BPD or npd

2- i cant save anyone but myself

3- its ok to have parts of your life out of your control

4- i stopped numbing my feelings and unresolved issues with alcohol and avoidance

5- i know myself and what i need of my partner better

6- some friendships are dynamically edited or eliminated

7- i am more ok with sitting alone

8- i am more directed at my purpose in life and understand better what i want out of it

9- i can spot a cluster B person a mile away now and i can avoid toxic people and needless drama

10- i am ok with the fact that i am not perfect. i am human. i make mistakes and i still love myself and want to be better everyday.

11- i am never gonna go fast with a date since now

12- i watch people's doings rather than their sayings

13- my emotions are so valuable and any partner should be long enough evaluated to be granted such valuable emotions.

14- I am more comfortable with saying no

15- I am more comfortable with saying yes

16- i have better boundaries

17- I am done with the fantasy and always keep reality checks at intervals

God i can go on till forever

This is list is beautiful, just beautiful.

[antjs]

people you can have a better list than mine if you just let the process happen. just stay NC and acknowledge your feelings without judging it. you will get through this i promise you. processing an unknown unresolved issue did happen to me. the pain was very strong. its really the worst thing that can happen to you in your whole life. sometimes, you wake up feeling a bad mood after a nap with no reason and it does bother you. imagine that i have been living like this for 3 months with chest depression. this was after i ruminated over her after the break up and had 2 weeks of better days and then baaam ! back to a pain worse than the initial pain after the break up. struggling with some pain signs two things. you did not resolve nor did not discard an unresolved issue. be kind to yourself. take care of yourself physically during the pain. do not judge your emotions, just watch them. do it as if you are in an out of body experience i know its hard to reach so but this is the way and the only way to get there. if your ex is BPD then contacting or reasoning with her will not get you anywhere better. there are no exceptions. no soul mates. no she is really different. this experience will rewire your whole life to the better. trust it  

[purplicious]

I didn't realize the changes in myself till people around us started commenting on it... I totally became a different person. I have always been quite and laid back until I get comfortable but after 1 year with my dBPDexgf I had no voice I was there to keep the peace and make her happy. It made her so mad when people said I had changed. Of course it was my fault and I was the one who had the mental illness or as she put it she wasnt the only one. She said she found out what it was online and had this huge "talk" with me. Which is where she would point out everything I had ever done wrong in her eyes. I wasnt able to respond to her even tho she said that is what she wanted.

I'm only 4 days out of the relationship and I can see how I've changed. I wounder if I will find myself again.   

you will not find "yourself" again. you will even find a better person than you have used to be. just let it flow. dont judge your emotions and embrace the pain. there is a lot of growth in this pain. i promise you that it will get better than ever.

Thanks! Today is a hard one. I'm really missing her today.

[Tausk]

While I was in the interaction I changed.  Lost friends, hid, became much more ashamed... .My friends did not understand why I was with my ex, other than the fact that she was beautiful, sexy and 15 years younger than me    But they could see she was Disorderd.

But I changed, not because of my ex gfwBPD.  I change because the false self that I was trying to live was simply not genuine, stable or strong.  It was the false self that was mirrored, so that was easily formed into what the Disorder wanted.

Since the break up I have changed.  In many ways similar to the list that AJ wrote.  But in simple terms, I'm working on building a self that genuine and true to my core believes.  A real self with esteem, respect and acceptence.  That's I will not become lost in another pwBPD.  I know real self to well today.

[.cup.car]

This thread man, it's like y'all are me. AG hit so many nails on the head it's not even funny.

A lot of the anger and frustration over the failed relationship, I used to my advantage. Honestly, it began right when she tried to recycle me. I found myself really pissed off at the whole endeavor and how much time she'd wasted in the past, even though she wanted to "do things right this time" and promised she was in it for the long haul. But it didn't come out as anger and frustration; suddenly I was more assertive, productive, independent, confident, out-going, and social. It's like I was given some goddamn superpower the moment things crashed and burned between us. All I had to do was channel the anger I had towards my ex, and things just worked. Even the little things, like playing guitar or racing go-karts, the numbers didn't lie - I ran freakishly quick laps if I whipped out my phone and read through a couple irritating texts from her before jumping in.

Since I was painted black two years ago (and last saw her a year ago) I've moved out on my own, found a steady job, and saved up a nice chunk of change to do whatever I please with. Everything is paid off, I've distanced myself from acquaintances with destructive personalities, and gained enough confidence to sever contact with my mentally ill parents. I find myself much more friendlier and talkative at work, to the point where people openly comment how much fun they have working with me - this has never happened before. This is on top of really diving into my favorite hobbies as well as having more belief in myself than I ever had before. Some days, I feel like there's absolutely nothing the world throws at me that I can't overcome, and a couple ridiculous situations where I came out on top by my own doing have allowed me to justify this feeling. All this time I've spent being mad and irritable over a failed relationship, I've set myself up pretty well for the future and it's like "oh... .this... .this is pretty nice... ."

On the flipside, channeling this anger on a daily, almost hourly basis, has turned me into a miserable wanker on the inside.

AG's reply says it best. I've got mood swings that weren't there before, but they aren't hardcore enough to make me believe it's something like bipolarity. I have zero interest in any type of relationship, period. I too get small anxiety attacks throughout the day, and even after phasing out caffeine & trying a workout routine, they still persist and are a total nuisance. I sleep much more than I ever have in my life, sometimes crashing on my bed immediately after work and not getting up until my alarm sounds the next morning, although I never feel completely rested.

But as a positive, myself, as long as a few of my buddies, are able to now identify these kinds of girls from a mile away. They're not everywhere, but there's definitely a handful sprinkled in among us and it's nice that we know what to look for.

[Tausk]

This thread man,  I've got mood swings that weren't there before, but they aren't hardcore enough to make me believe it's something like bipolarity. I have zero interest in any type of relationship, period. I too get small anxiety attacks throughout the day, and even after phasing out caffeine & trying a workout routine, they still persist and are a total nuisance. I sleep much more than I ever have in my life, sometimes crashing on my bed immediately after work and not getting up until my alarm sounds the next morning, although I never feel completely rested.

Hey there: Welcome.  This may be where you are at now, but it does not mean that the anger and despair need to stay.  But I found that internal work must be done, otherwise, I just cycle into anger and self pity.  I blame my ex for why I'm stuck years later... .boo hoo.  And I don't even see how pathetic I am at blaming someone who is still just a traumatize three year old for destroying me.  And the saddest part is that she doesn't even really remember me anymore.  So I can stay in misery... .

Or I can look at my FOO, take responsibility, deal with my PTSD, deal with my anger... .and recover.

Many people have recovered, but I need to work at it.

My suggestions, keep posting, reading, and follow the advice of the winners on the board. Those who have a message and and intent to recover.  Follow the lead of members who seem to be getting better and living life on life's terms.

We're here.  We understand what you're going through.  It's hard.  It hurts like hell.  And it can be life crippling.  Or through understanding why we invited the Disorder into our lives, we can become the people we always wanted to be.

We're here.

[Thrace]

I had forgotten what it was like to go round with a smile on my face.  The other night I dreamt I was laughing uncontrollably at something.  I believe your dreams say many things about your state of mind and I found that quite significant! 

[Blimblam]

when I began the relationship I was in a vulnerable stage in my life and kind of depressed.  Shortly after it began I was extremely happy.  then the trauma bonding began and I was extremely worried and concerned changed my whole life around.  Then the devaluing and I was broken down systematically until the final straw and my mind snapped. I looked in the mirror and didn't even recognize myself anymore. I havn't been the same since my mind snapped.  I still clung to hope for the relationship even though I had been discarded and replaced. It was in that stage I would build up my life force energy reserves only to come back to have it sucked dry until there was nothing left and in a last ditch effort to save itself my body rebelled.  My gut told me no more and I decided not to recycle.  Then the withdrawls ate what was left of my energy reserves and now I can barely function. The PTSD symptoms  with the withdrawl was mindbending and physically painfull.

I was hours away from killing myself to make it stop. I had lost my mind.  I reached out for help and ended up on here in a really bad state. A bit over a month later and I had a big breakthrough I am not confused anymore. The breakthrough was like awakening from a nightmare I had no control over. The anxiety is much much less. Energy wise I am still running on fumes and can barely function what energy I do have I seem to need for healing it is pretty much the only energy expending action that doesn't seem to completely deplete me. I feel extremely fragile. I am past the gates of hell but I can still feel the heat.

I am a shell of who I once was fragile and can barely muster the energy to do the most basic of tasks. I lost all respect for my name my business is in shambles. Now I have to keep living with the knowledge that I didn't have a choice and to not feel shame when only people on here would be able to understand. Every where I look I get a look of disapproval for how I broke.  But I am not internalizing it I am not taking it personal.

[Springle]

Wow.

Thank you all for replying this is all really insightful.

As I said, my ex (non) has been with his new dBPDgf for almost a year and he has changed entirely from what I can see. I makes me very worried because I knew him a lot better than most people in his life; his behaviour just seems so out of character and extreme.

Did you find while in your relationship people you knew would point out how different you were? Or question your actions because it was unlike you? Did you get asked if you were 'ok' a lot? Did you shun people you used to be close with? Suddenly start worrying about things that had never bothered you? Did you lose friends and ppl close to you because your changes were so extreme?

[Hopeless777]

My BPDw eliminated all my friends. After 27 years I have none!

[Waifed]

1- it opened my eye on how i have to raise my children and not neglect them so that they wont turn to be BPD or npd

2- i cant save anyone but myself

3- its ok to have parts of your life out of your control

4- i stopped numbing my feelings and unresolved issues with alcohol and avoidance

5- i know myself and what i need of my partner better

6- some friendships are dynamically edited or eliminated

7- i am more ok with sitting alone

8- i am more directed at my purpose in life and understand better what i want out of it

9- i can spot a cluster B person a mile away now and i can avoid toxic people and needless drama

10- i am ok with the fact that i am not perfect. i am human. i make mistakes and i still love myself and want to be better everyday.

11- i am never gonna go fast with a date since now

12- i watch people's doings rather than their sayings

13- my emotions are so valuable and any partner should be long enough evaluated to be granted such valuable emotions.

14- I am more comfortable with saying no

15- I am more comfortable with saying yes

16- i have better boundaries

17- I am done with the fantasy and always keep reality checks at intervals

God i can go on till forever

This is a great list.  I can relate to most of this but it was not only the relationship with the pwBPD that changed me. The therapy that I have committed to and received has really brought out my awareness of these things and has also helped me to become aware of my actions (bad habits at times) and when to correct them to get back on track.  

I am beginning to smile again after 9 months and my sense of humor is slowly returning.  I have rebuilt relationships that I abandoned and have returned to my hobbies and added new ones.  I never had an addictive craving for anything in my life until this relationship and I still feel it acutely at times.  It is still sharp as a knife when it pops up but I have resisted any urges of returning to chaos.  I will defeat this and will continue to grow and prosper.