Saying goodbye... good idea?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

I believe I've come to a fork in the road mentally and emotionally. I feel I now have the strength and capability to say goodbye to her and move ahead with my own life. I no longer find myself craving a recycle as much as I once did. Perhaps this is just a brief moment of lucidity that's allowing me to focus inward and ask what's best for the future. She's still in my thoughts daily but after all of this silent treatment, I'm beginning to recognize I deserve something more in my life than clinging to a hope of being invited back into the life of someone that doesn't really love me. I'm not sure I have the patience or endurance to be there for her every time her life falls apart (and it inevitably will).

I was wondering if it would be a good idea to write her a short goodbye letter, wishing her all the best and expressing that it's time to say goodbye, closing the door on any opportunity for future "friendship" or recycles. I want her to be perfectly aware that I'm not going to be around. I mourn what we once shared, the past, present and future of what might have been. I've shed too many tears over this. Too many sleepless nights, too much false hope. I'm not sure saying goodbye is what I want with all my heart... .but it seems the most viable option than sitting around waiting for a time when it's convenient for her to invite me into her life... .

I wouldn't have managed any of this half as well without all your support and sharing in your experiences. So thank you sincerely!

[LostGhost]

Hi all,

I believe I've come to a fork in the road mentally and emotionally. I feel I now have the strength and capability to say goodbye to her and move ahead with my own life. I no longer find myself craving a recycle as much as I once did. Perhaps this is just a brief moment of lucidity that's allowing me to focus inward and ask what's best for the future. She's still in my thoughts daily but after all of this silent treatment, I'm beginning to recognize I deserve something more in my life than clinging to a hope of being invited back into the life of someone that doesn't really love me. I'm not sure I have the patience or endurance to be there for her every time her life falls apart (and it inevitably will).

I was wondering if it would be a good idea to write her a short goodbye letter, wishing her all the best and expressing that it's time to say goodbye, closing the door on any opportunity for future "friendship" or recycles. I want her to be perfectly aware that I'm not going to be around. I mourn what we once shared, the past, present and future of what might have been. I've shed too many tears over this. Too many sleepless nights, too much false hope. I'm not sure saying goodbye is what I want with all my heart... .but it seems the most viable option than sitting around waiting for a time when it's convenient for her to invite me into her life... .

I wouldn't have managed any of this half as well without all your support and sharing in your experiences. So thank you sincerely!

[3 children]

I just want you to know I'm currently in the same situation.  Silent treatment and every attempt from me to reach out is met with criticism.  I feel weak right now and not sure what to do.  Like you I have had more moments now than ever of feeling like I'm done and I don't deserve this.  I asked her to talk one more time and she agreed and is actually waiting for me now.

I don't know if a goodbye Letter is a good idea or not.  I have considered the same thing and have come to realize that if I choose that, it will have to be for me to get closure.   Because I know what her response would be no matter how it was worded.  I also figure I will have to make the decision not to respond to her guaranteed retaliation attempts or manipulation attempts or the guilt trips. 

Good luck I'm sorry for the pain hope this helps

[LostGhost]

Thank you for your time 3 children and likewise, I empathize with your own suffering. Though you are feeling weak now, have faith that you are strong. To endure this type of relationship and the intolerable suffering faced in the aftermath requires incredible resiliency.

I've been told by her sister and a few mutual friends that the reason for silent treatment is that she "doesn't want to lead me on". Really? A simple happy birthday is leading me on? A good morning? How have you been? An intense relationship followed by an abrupt and cold silence is excruciating pain. There's a difference between having common courtesy or human decency and leading someone on. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in reserve, waiting to be called into action when she feels I'm needed sometime down the road or when she grows tired of her ex or whatever new plaything. There was a time I was blinded by her to an almost worshipful state of mind. Silent treatment has caused me to start letting go of that mindset now and realizing no... .it's not healthy and I deserve better.

Now as for saying goodbye... .yes I am very hesitant. It means it will be my final message to someone I was ready to spend the rest of my life with. All the memories, the hopes and dreams. What a waste. To let go of that connection and never look back is a serious decision. The advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. And yet, I contemplate this decision and will do so for a while longer. Even my heart is catching up with my brain and indicating it is the "right" thing to do.

I'm sorry for your pain too. These relationships leave tremendous scars on the mind, body and soul.

[enlighten me]

I would say that if it would give you closure then do it.

Don't do it as a revenge thing just to vent your anger and hurt them.

Let them know that you cared for them and how sorry you were that it all fell apart. Wish them the best and let them know you are now moving on with your life.

Theres nothing more you need to do than that.

As much as it seems that they don't care they do. They just hide it better or have more practice. Remember you are dealing with child like emotions so say what you need to for your sake but do it as if you were doing it to a child. Being able to show compassion means that you have really moved on.

[Frankcostello]

Lost ghost I know how you feel.  But I would say, let it go.  She knows how to reach you if she needs you.  At the moment she isn't reaching out to you, can be because she has met someone else already and he is currently fulfilling her needs.  I would let her go, I know it's hard, but in the end you'll feel a lot better about yourself because you did what she asked you to do, which was to leave her alone.  Now if she ever reaches out to you in the future it will be up to you whether you would want to allow her to be back in your life again. But don't forget how she is treating you know, because she is not showing you even the courtesy of taking your feelings into account with the silent treatment, it is harsh for her to do that.  Let her go, and let things be, in the future you'll be in a different place where you can look back and tell yourself that you left her alone when she wouldn't even give you the courtesy of talking to you, she had to have her sister and friends talk to you.  You will probably be glad you left her alone, because you'll start recovering faster.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi Lost Ghost,

Such a painful situation.  I'm sorry.  You can do what you wish, but since you asked... .  In my opinion, writing her that letter means opening up emotionally to her.  And by experience, opening up emotionally (even if to share your feelings about saying goodbye) is essentially inviting her to tear you down and hurt you more.  It also may come across as a bluff.

I would also examine your motives about it.  Why send her a letter?  If it is because you want her to understand, she won't.  She'll take what you say and use it as ammunition against you.  If it is because you want her to "hear you out" and give you some kind of validation or closure, you won't get that from her either.  That has to come from you.  You won't get the "movie-moment" breakup scene where she reads it all and calmly says, "I understand, and I'm sorry... .I see what I've done... .and I'm sorry."  Won't happen like that. 

I used to write my ex (wife at the time) all kinds of letters.  Some were to tell how I felt, some were to tell her she needs to start helping me or else she needs to leave, etc.   She did not want to read them.  She would dismiss them or become enraged.  One time I started reading one to her over the phone, rather than giving it to her, and she cut me off and told me I needed to "shut up" and let her "figure it out" on her own (in other words... .to her I was trying to kick her out and break up with her in order to manipulate her into changing, and I just needed to shut up and let the status quo remain).

My advice is to grieve and just leave her be.  Maybe you do write that letter, but you write it to get it all out, and then you don't send it to her.  You keep it.  Or you print it out and then burn it.

But if you need to do this in order to feel finalized, then do it.  But if you give it to her, just know there's probably going to be a backlash.

[Should I stay or...]

Hey lost ghost,

I’m speaking to you behind enemy lines… you know I’ve went back to my exgf after we reunited after she had run away. We have managed to survive a slightly bumpy ride over the last two months but still going one day at a time. Like anything in life, it takes effort to sustain something worthwhile but the gain has to be greater and it is…...

She told me to tell you that we are all different people as are our r/s. BPD's that we all write about on this site have some similar characteristics to those that maybe posting. Everyone’s r/s is different and the love one has shared with their SO’s is uniquely their own. Even as BPD varies in severity between one another and differs between sexes... .love shared between two is uniquely different, the love one has shared between their SO is their own.

I’ve read your story and only can advise you as a man that knows women, and a nudge from my SO that agrees to the following… leave the door open if that’s what you want, you’ll never know who will knock, maybe she will, but you’ll control if you will open or reopen the door. Don't chase be chased that's what girls want.           

[LostGhost]

Thank you all for your advice!

I've held off on the goodbye letter for the time being as new developments emerged almost immediately after I began to consider this course of action.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229014.msg12461629#msg12461629

Should I... .thanks for your insight on this and from your gf too! If you're willing to read my other post maybe you could advise me further.

I'm sort of stuck not knowing what to do or what the situation is. I don't know if the timing is right just yet to start talking to her about getting back together. And I don't know if waiting for her to make the move is right, whether she'll take that initiative or not. I do want to give it another go. I'm just afraid if I make a move too soon I'll ruin my chances. I don't know what her relationship status is at this exact moment, but she is talking to me at least.

After reading through so many stories... .I have to say that while I'm in pain over the abandonment, the abrupt end to the relationship and silent treatment that followed, as well as the confusing hot/cold treatment during... I didn't experience any of the raging/name calling/vitriol/belittling/demeaning or smear campaign that others have. I count myself as lucky for that.

In our final fight, she looked like a little girl crumpled on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Telling me she was a bad person for what she'd done and I had to let her go. The last thing she said to me after I said I must be the bad person for her to want to leave me, she said "No you're awesome, nobody has ever loved me as much as you. Of that I'm certain."

I didn't understand that at the time. I still don't understand it. Maybe just words, maybe just manipulation. What followed was two months of painful silence.

I want to be there for her. My capacity to tolerate pain can handle more should it come to that. So any advice you can offer on the present circumstances would be helpful. I won't hear from her for a few days since we're not at work. The last thing I've done is leave a small gift on her desk. Don't know if that was a good choice but there seems to be a momentum in a positive direction.

No idea how my story will turn out... .but in hoping similar to yours Should I... .you seem to be living proof of what I'd like to achieve. One day at a time.

[Should I stay or...]

Hi Lost Ghost,

My gf has been doubled over on the bathroom floor in the past as well, retching in emotional pain. Not a pain that I caused but from her past. She has told me that there’s a lot of shame that accompanies their behavior. They rather leave, hide, run rather than face the fact that they themselves are to blame for the hurt and turmoil that they impose on us. Childlike yes, survivalist yes; and that survival from their past creates turbulence in our present day relationships. It’s a vicious cycle.

Which comes first the chicken or the egg…it’s the egg, the developmental heartache of their childhood creates a flawed baby chick….unable to relate on an adult emotional level…

However, they want love and to be loved more on their terms rather than ours…terms that we don’t sometimes understand but it’s their reality... .

It’s a childlike playground in their minds. All maturation ceased, just like a drug user, all maturation ceases when their drug usage started. BPD's maturity are thwarted when they were first neglected, abandoned, sexually abused.

Patience, the understanding of her incapability to relate to you on your emotional level is the reality but with your understandings of her emotional necessities may allow her to open up to you again… like friends in the playground. Don’t push to fast, make her feel that she’s in charge, even though you have all the power. We all have the power but we sometimes fail to realize that we do…they know we do but they will react contrarily because in their reality they truly know they are powerless. Powerless to an environment they can’t control, a life that they wish they didn’t have, but a lover that they seek is within all of us.

[LostGhost]

Should I... .thanks as always my friend.

I've been trying to put your advice into practice regarding the patience and letting her feel she's in control. I think it's definitely having the right effect. She's continuing contact (strictly at work) so that's something. The conversations are still strictly light. We talk about things we saw that were funny or interesting, small talk but it's also the kind of talk that brought us together and made us decide to start a relationship. We haven't talked at all about the past or what happened. I'm doing my best to just bury my emotions and keep the communication in a forward momentum.

A few questions I had for you or your gf (or anyone else reading who can provide guidance)... .and thanks in advance for reading... .

Neither of us has initiated contact outside of work. I'm afraid to because if she's in a relationship, this might be seen as backing her into a corner at the wrong time or whatever (if she's with her boyfriend and my name pops up on her phone, I'm going to be painted black I assume). And she hasn't attempted either which does lead me to believe she's still with her ex (or someone)... .but I suppose there could be a number of reasons.

And so right now I'm feeling as though we're just friends and it's going to stay that way indefinitely. Is that even possible? Do they have any serious interest in "just friends"? She has the perfect setup here in a lot of ways. When she's away from work, she gets whatever emotional/physical supply from her current partner if there is one and I'm not interfering with that. When she's away from him and at work, she gets emotional supply from me without him knowing anything about it.

The only few key bits of information I've managed to pull from our emails is that she's living alone in the house we were buying together. She talks about hearing scary things in the night that frighten her (like a child's fears). Like I say it's all very lighthearted. There's been no invitation to meet up. I keep looking for little hints that she's trying to move in that direction but I'm not confident I've seen it yet but maybe I'm just blind.

I keep thinking... .she's talking to me and in a fun, energetic, uplifting way... .I'm clearly painted white again. But I'm also hesitant to do anything more because I do not want to push her away, frighten her or make her feel cornered. Like you say just two kids playing on the playground right now. But I fear if I wait too long, she will just attach to someone new.

I guess it's only been a week of LC so more patience is required on my part to see how this unfolds. I feel stuck in limbo my friend. I'm not ready to lose her from my life. I care too much about her. And if she didn't want me in her life at all, she wouldn't be talking to me. But I don't think I want to be friendzoned either.

[OutOfEgypt]

And if she didn't want me in her life at all, she wouldn't be talking to me.

Just be careful, my friend.  You and her mean two totally different things by "wanting the other in your life."  She does not mean the same thing you do, nor is she probably capable of it.  That is something very difficult and painful to accept.

[woodsposse]

Hi all,

I believe I've come to a fork in the road mentally and emotionally. I feel I now have the strength and capability to say goodbye to her and move ahead with my own life. I no longer find myself craving a recycle as much as I once did. Perhaps this is just a brief moment of lucidity that's allowing me to focus inward and ask what's best for the future. She's still in my thoughts daily but after all of this silent treatment, I'm beginning to recognize I deserve something more in my life than clinging to a hope of being invited back into the life of someone that doesn't really love me. I'm not sure I have the patience or endurance to be there for her every time her life falls apart (and it inevitably will).

I was wondering if it would be a good idea to write her a short goodbye letter, wishing her all the best and expressing that it's time to say goodbye, closing the door on any opportunity for future "friendship" or recycles. I want her to be perfectly aware that I'm not going to be around. I mourn what we once shared, the past, present and future of what might have been. I've shed too many tears over this. Too many sleepless nights, too much false hope. I'm not sure saying goodbye is what I want with all my heart... .but it seems the most viable option than sitting around waiting for a time when it's convenient for her to invite me into her life... .

I wouldn't have managed any of this half as well without all your support and sharing in your experiences. So thank you sincerely!

I wanted to reply before I read the other replies... .kinda shooting from the hip here.

In my humble opinon it doesn't matter if you write the letter or not.  Your future will turn out exactly the way it needs to one way or another.  Or... .said a different way... .write the letter - your future will be "x".  Don't write the letter... .your future will be "x".  It just doesn't matter.

Trust me... .I wrote that letter.  Time and time again.  And the end results were the same.

You have to take this in mind... .this is about you!  I know it seems counter intuitive, but this is really about you!  The letter... .it's for you!  The end result... .it is about you!

Remember... .your happiness starts and ends with you!

Hopefully you will wrap your brain and heart around this soon.  Until then... .we are all here for you!   

[LostGhost]

Woodposse and outofegypt, thank you both for your replies

I definitely need to tread carefully here. I'm beginning to realize I'm in over my head and out of my league so to speak. Knowledge is power but I must recognize the greater wisdom that this knowledge cannot be used to do battle with BPD and succeed. I am and always will be rendered powerless by the infinite capacity of BPD to cause anguish and suffering to all who encounter it.

After reading your reply to my original post and hence reading my own words... .wow... .look at me! I feel pitiful. July 8 I sound like I'm determined, strong, capable, ready to move forward. As soon as I started feeling that way, she moves from silent treatment NC mode into LC and suddenly all of my strength fades away to reveal an emaciated figure, desperately crawling around on hands and knees to feed on whatever scraps she's willing to throw on the floor to me. I'm a little ashamed of that 180 degree switch in my mentality. I don't present this way outwardly thankfully... .but if I turn the lens inward and search beneath the surface... .oh yes, I'm submissive to her will it would seem.

Perhaps I am not yet wounded enough to move forward in my life and so I mourn the loss and hope for renewal with her. She has driven the blade into my body and struck a grievous wound but has not yet severed my head. The profoundly disturbing part is by not possessing the necessary resolve to go NC and remain as such, I am willingly exposing my neck and saying, "Please, strike me again." I think despite all I have said, my journey to healing has not yet commenced because my journey through pain has not yet finished.

There is great shame to be found here. Don't be like me

[woodsposse]

 

You are NOT pitiful... .and there is no shame!

So stop that noise right now!   

You are human going through a human experience.  It is tough. It will be tough.  That is no lie, no exaggeration.  No illusions.  It is going to hurt.  But... .it get better.  And YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

We are here for you.  I promise... .it gets better!   

[LostGhost]

No major developments have occurred since my last post. The work emails back and forth have continued, amounting to maybe a dozen or so per day. I don't know how to quantify that - is that paltry, is it a lot? All I know is it feels better for me at this moment in time than silent treatment. I recognize that I am basically hooked up to an IV bag and the contents of that bag would be a mix of hope, reminiscence, nostalgia - a steady supply that keeps me relatively sane but also some form of daily sustenance. The longer I go without, the weaker I begin to feel.

We do not talk about the relationship or the past, nor do we talk about the future. The last few exchanges solidified the notion that she suffers from BPD. She discussed a situation occurring with one of her friends. They are clashing with each other and she said she was disappointed and hurt this friend "abandoned" her. She also provided a list of things that are currently ailing her - some not serious, some life threatening. I don't know if it's truth or a search for sympathy and validation. Either way, I chose to provide both.

There was one very small email exchange outside of work. A few back and forth spaced out over a few days. That's a first but I doubt it represents anything significant.

I am beginning to feel that I will soon be without feelings, for her, for myself, for anything. There is a hopelessness in this situation. Moving forward means saying goodbye and I mean truly saying goodbye. I would never be able to talk to her or see her or have anything to do with her again. It's just too painful. I don't think I'm capable of that. Moreover, I'm not sure I want to arrive at a day where I no longer think of her at all. Not saying goodbye leaves me in limbo though. I cling to someone who is in a relationship with her ex. I get to hear all the wonderful details through mutual friends about what great times they're having mixed in with the little comments of "Oh, too bad things didn't workout. What happened again? Nobody understands why you broke up?"  No... .and they never will understand. I vaguely understand we broke up because of this disorder and it is just the nature of it. It hasn't made it any easier to accept at the emotional level. Intellectually I get it.

I've been on autopilot for a few months now. I wake up, go to work, go to the gym, eat dinner, read a bit, go to bed. On my days off, I wake up, exercise - biking, running, yoga, weightlifting - whatever I decide for the day. I go out with a few different friends here and there. I've made new friends and have been over to their homes. I put on my face and socialize with ease. I keep up with my painting and writing. And I come here.

It's all very forced. It's not what I want or need. It's just what I do to cope and numb the pain. She's happy because she's never alone. Is anyone else experiencing this? Is this just depression? I don't really feel depressed... .but I don't feel human that's for sure. I feel like a damn robot questioning it's existence "Why am I here, what am I doing, who am I, what am I, what do I feel? Are my feelings meaningful? Am I meaningful? Do I matter or am I insignificant?" I am having an existential crisis. I know who I want to be, that ultimate goal in the back of my mind. But I feel achieving this now would have limited impact.

Every time I go out, I look at every person I come across - male or female - just to see if there's any physiological or emotional response that occurs. A slight increase to my heart rate, a rush of blood, a feeling of excitement when eyes meet. Since the breakup - I've had one such instance. It happened today and I nearly flagged the girl down to strike up a conversation. When I realized why it was happening - she looked exactly like my ex. Same eyes, same height, same hair, same lips, same mannerisms and walk. Could have been her long lost twin. There was an urgency for me to talk to her. I didn't of course because I realized how sad and pathetic it is. I'm not searching for my next romantic partner. I'm searching for my ex in my next potential partner or more likely - just searching for my ex. Longing to be reunited with my "soulmate". Sad.

I seem to be caught in an endless loop but one that follows no pattern. One day I'm optimistic, the next I'm apathetic, the next I'm euphoric, the next I'm lonely. Some days I think of her non stop. Other days I think of her once or twice. Even if I had the device from Men in Black that wipes memory... .I think if our eyes met, I would still have that immediate connection. I am wired to love her. How am I supposed to just move on and be happy. When my capacity to tolerate pain becomes overwhelmed, I'm not sure what that leaves me with. But it's getting to that point now.

If I had a time machine, I'd just keep reliving our relationship in an endless loop, never moving forward and never looking back. It's not about the idealization. Yes that felt great. But it's about the little moments. Just holding each other. The warmth of that. The small talk. The shared glances and smiles. That's what mattered and what I miss.

A pointless rant... .but there it is.

This is what it is to be "painted white", "friendzoned" and to love someone unrequited from a distance. Stuck. If I stay on this path, I presume I will be recycled which would be great. But then I'd probably be dumped and recycled and dumped endlessly until I die afraid and alone. I'm jealous of those of you in 10+ year relationships. How did you manage to extend it to that length of time? 7 months was the only taste I was allowed. If she came back, I would do everything I could to see it reach that length of time. I'm clearly not happy with trying to be happy for myself. So I should just designate my purpose in life to fulfilling her happiness even if it costs me my sanity.